May 1, 2013

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Wednesday, May 1, 2013        Edition: #4975

Thanks a Sheetload for Choosing “BS”!

✳ Booker Prize-winning author Roddy Doyle has adapted his 1987 novel “The Commitments” into a West End musical 25 years after it was first published. Doyle’s best-seller, about a group of unemployed young friends in Dublin who start up a soul band, was turned into a hit film by Alan Parker in 1991. It will open as a stage musical in London this September.
✳ Movie actress Catherine Zeta-Jones (Mrs Michael Douglas) is reportedly seeking further help in her battle with bipolar disorder. Sources close to the actress say the 43-year-old checked into a treatment center on Monday and is expected to complete a 30-day program. Two years ago, she entered a medical facility in Connecticut to combat a serious bout of depression. This latest stint of treatment is said to be for ‘maintenance’.
✳ Reports say British actress Keira Knightley (“Pirates Of the Caribbean” films) is preparing to marry her fiancé James Righton in the South of France this weekend. The 29-year-old Klaxons rocker proposed to 28-year-old Knightley last year after 15 months together, and now they are reportedly set to become husband & wife in a small, private ceremony for friends and family near Nice.
– “The Sun”
✳ Increasingly weird former actress Amanda Bynes has reportedly demanded total access to her estimated $5-to-$6 million fortune and is said to be in spending free-fall. While growing up, her parents and lawyers controlled all the money she made from her Nickelodeon TV show and other projects, tucking it away in investments. But now the 27-year-old seems to be blowing through it while wandering aimlessly around NYC, doing bizarre things like shaving half her head, having her cheeks pierced, and staying up all night tweeting bizarre photos.

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – In another 2-hour performance show, the top 4 finalists take on 2 songs each: Standards and Hit Songs of 2013.
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (“The Heist”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Bo Burnham (“Bo Burnham”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Cher (documentary “Dear Mom, Love Cher” airing May 6th on Lifetime).
• “Family Tools” (ABC/CTV 2) – Debut of a new comedy about a guy forced to put his dreams on hold in order to take over the family handyman business from his father. Stars Chris Bruno, Sergio Enrique.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Alice Russell (“To Dust”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Stepkids (“Sweet Salvation”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) –  Johnny Marr (“The Messenger”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Carly Rae Jepsen (“Kiss”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – The Band Perry (“Pioneer”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Cheap Trick (“Cheap Trick at Budokan”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – More performances along “The Road To the Live Show”.
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Sheryl Crow (“Easy”).

• Aaron Lewis – Tonight he kicks off the 4th annual Jagermeister Country Music Tour at the Innsbrook Pavilion in Glen Allen, Virginia. The 24-stop tour winds up June 23rd in Evansville, Indiana.
• Amy Winehouse – A new housing development in North London is set to feature a road named after her, according to her father Mitch. One name being suggested is Winehouse Street.
• Arcade Fire – “Le Journal de Montréal” reports that frontman Win Butler & bandmate Regine Chassagne have become parents to a baby boy, their first child. No word on a name as yet. Arcade Fire has been working on the follow-up to their 2010 album “The Suburbs”.
• Beastie Boys – The surviving members have inked a deal for a memoir, to be published in 2015. The book will be a ‘multidimensional experience’ that includes an oral history as well as a strong visual component.
• Jennifer Lopez – The 43-year-old has been working out more than ever of late, which has reportedly added 5 lbs to her famous derriere. A source tells “OK!” she starts her day with an hour of cardio, then does a lot of squats and lunges to help lift and shape the bottom.
• One Direction — They have already begun work on their 3rd album, the follow-up to last year’s “Take Me Home”. Word has it they’re aiming to have the recording released by Christmas.

Facebook has lost millions of users per month in its biggest markets, independent data suggests, as alternative social networks such as Instagram and Path attract the attention of those looking for fresh online playgrounds. In the last 6 months, Facebook has lost nearly 9 million monthly visitors in the US and 2 million in the UK. Users are also switching off in Canada, Spain, France, Germany, and Japan, where Facebook has some of its biggest followings. (Is Facebook going to go the way of Myspace?)

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Feature Nail’ – A fingernail with an applied color, pattern, or shape that is different from the other nails. A new trend thanks to the ever-increasing interest in nail art. (For instance, women battling cancer might opt to have a tiny daffodil drawn on one nail.)
✓ ‘Flexivore’ – A person who combines a mostly meat diet with the occasional vegetarian meal.
Slightly different than a ‘flexitarian’, a vegetarian who occasionally eats meat. (As opposed to a ‘fleshivore’, someone who dines on so many carcasses he personally causes extinction of species.)
✓ ‘Upper-Arm Lift’ – A new type of cosmetic surgery for women brought on by the fashion for sleeveless dresses combined with admiration for strong-armed celebrities (think Michelle Obama). The surgical procedure to remove ‘bingo wings’ (excess fat from under the arm) has soared in popularity by more than 4,000% in the past decade.

You can boost your relationship with a friend, acquaintance, or even a co-worker by … swearing. Yep, researchers in New Zealand have found that letting off an explosion of expletives can help make a problem easier to handle and actually strengthen your relationship. How so? Getting so upset that you actually curse can draw you closer because it shows you’re comfortable enough with the other person to let your guard down. (That’s why we call you sheetheads … it’s cause we love ya.)
– “Woman’s World”

A new listing of the best-paying fields of study and their average starting salaries …
10. Finance: $57,400
9. Engineering Technology: $62,200
8. Management Information Systems/Business: $63,100
7. Electrical/Electronics & Communications Engineering: $63,400
6. Mechanical Engineering: $64,000
5. Aerospace/Aeronautical/Astronautical Engineering: $64,400
4. Computer Science: $64,800
3. Chemical Engineering: $67,600
2. Computer Engineering: $71,700
1. Petroleum Engineering: $93,500
(And coming in at #9,628 … Radio & TV Broadcasting.)
– “Wall Street Journal”

According to internal Apple documentation, the original iPhone, which debuted in 2007, will soon enter ‘obsolete’ status. The official switch will happen on June 11th, when the iPhone, along with several other Macs and Xserve models will officially be classified as either ‘vintage’ or ‘obsolete’ products by Apple. An obsolete product is one that was discontinued 7 or more years previously and will not be supported under any circumstance. (For most Apple addicts, the lifespan of a product is only until the next version is released.)

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 73% of women say it’s unforgivable if a guy forgets her name on a first date.
• 50% of homes have at least one houseplant.
• 31% of women would rather give up their man for a week than coffee.
• 21% of teenagers eat candy every day.
• 20% of us admit we never eat fruit.
• 11% of brides are pregnant on their wedding day.

New Informa research concludes that free messaging and chat apps have overtaken traditional SMS in terms of message volume. By the end of 2012, more messages were being sent with WhatsApp, Kik, and manufacturer-driven solutions like iMessage and BBM than through regular text messages. Texting has long been a massive source of revenue for the mobile phone industry, so this consumer push toward free-to-use replacements is a worrying development for telecommunications firms. (Yeah, the average profit is down to just 6 bazillion … a day.)
– “Financial Times”

The Northern Hemisphere is currently 1.5 C (2.7 F) warmer on average than the Southern Hemisphere. (Mention that in Darwin, Australia, where it reached 34° C or 93° F yesterday … in the shade.)


1950 [63] Dann Florek, Flat Rock MI, TV actor (‘Capt Donnie Cragen’ on “Law & Order Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1967 [46] Tim McGraw, Delhi LA, country singer (“One of Those Nights”, “Southern Voice”)/movie actor (“The Blind Side”, “Friday Night Lights”)/Mr Faith Hill since 1996

1972 [41] Julie Benz, Pittsburgh PA, TV actress (“Defiance” 2013, “A Gifted Man” 2011-12, “ No Ordinary Family” 2011, “Dexter” 2006-10)

1984 [29] Kerry Bishé, New Zealand, movie actress (“Argo”)/TV actress (“Scrubs” 2009-10)

• “Couple Appreciation Day”, a day to tell a duo how cool you think they are together. Who’s the cutest celeb couple? (William & Kate? Jay-Z & Beyoncé? Ellen & Portia?)

• “May Day”, a traditional holiday celebration since ancient times. Since 1889, it’s been officially observed in some 66 countries as a “Labor Day” holiday. The British still enjoy a “May Day” holiday, which was traditionally a Celtic festival called “Beltane”, when the beginning of Summer was greeted with great bonfires in honor of the Sun. In Hawaii, today is “Lei Day”, observed since 1928, when people give one another the gift of a kiss and a lei (it’s a long way to go for a lei). A few facts about May 1st …
– In ancient times today was celebrated by getting it on in the woods! As late as the 16th century it was still customary for couples of the ‘humbler classes’ to venture out at an early hour to gather flowers which they later brought home ‘with all possible signs of joy and merriment’.
– Dancing round a maypole wasn’t always merely skipping with ribbons, it was … ritual phallus worship! Afterward, the dancers would ‘head for the open meadows’.
– The Victorians de-sexed the maypole by giving it long ribbons, unknown before 1830, that were elaborately plaited by dancing children.
– The use of ‘May Day’ as a distress signal is thought to have developed as an anglicized version of the French word m’aidez (help me).

• “Mother Goose Day”, which actually honors many different writers. The term was first used in the title of the nursery rhyme collection “Mother Goose’s Melody” about 1765. The name caught on and nursery rhymes have been attributed to ‘Mother Goose’ ever since. What’s the most violent nursery rhyme? “Rock-a-Bye Baby”? “Jack & Jill”?

• “New Homeowner’s Day”. Congratulations, you’ll be debt-free in about 25 years! Got your repair manual yet?

• “Save the Rhino Day”, in honor of the pachyderm that’s roamed the Earth for over a million years but has recently been hunted to near extinction.

• “School Principals Day”. It’s a dirty job but some militaristic Nazi’s gotta do it!

1939 [74] “Batman” debuts as a comic strip hero in DC Comics

2003 [10] While being treated for kidney failure, Barry White suffers a stroke, paralyzing the right side of his body (never fully recovers, and dies a few months later)

1941 [72] ‘Cheerios’ breakfast cereal is introduced (sells far better than ‘Glumios’)

2003 [10] A wave of tornadoes begins across the Southern and Midwestern USA, eventually jacking the monthly total to more than 500, shattering the previous record by 100+

2005 [08] Fishermen in northern Thailand catch a 293-kilo (646-lb), 2.7-m (8.9-ft) Mekong giant catfish, the ‘Largest Freshwater Fish’ ever recorded

[Thurs] “Iron Man 3” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] 5th Revolver Golden God Awards (Los Angeles)
[Fri] Rolling Stones “50 & Counting Tour” North American leg begins (Los Angeles)
[Fri] Different Colored Shoes Day
[Fri] No Pants Day
[Sat] Kentucky Derby (Louisville KY)
[Sat] International Respect for Chickens Day
This Week Is … Teacher Appreciation Week
This Month Is … International Business Image Improvement Month


‘Slightly worn’ is so vague. How about something more specific such as …
✗ “Smells like cigarettes and includes business card of practicing metaphysician.”
✗ “Some pages may contain Nutri-Grain bar crumbs and specks of cat litter.”
✗ “Spine of book may have been moderately damaged during hypomanic episode.”
✗ “Some margins may be marked with ethnic slurs and/or Pottery Barn wish lists.”
✗ “Back cover flap appears to have been partially consumed by a goat.”
✗ “I hid a lock of hair somewhere in this one.”
✗ “Blood everywhere.”
– Thanks to Sascha Cohen

☎ What would you like attached to your body to make everyday living easier?

How old does an oak tree have to be before it has little baby acorns?
a. 5 months.
b. 5 years.
c. 50 years. [CORRECT. At least!]
– “Weird Fact Of the Day”

Warning! Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

Question: Every day there are an estimated half-million tweets on THIS topic.
Answer: The weather.

Some people believe anything if you whisper it.

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