Wednesday, May 11, 2011           Edition: #4503

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

Latest word on the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split after 24 years is that she’s no longer wearing her wedding ring and has chosen to move out of their Brentwood CA home (a retired guy hanging around the house all day is bound to cause friction) . . . Britain’s Prince William & Princess Catherine are enjoying a 10-day honeymoon on the Seychelles in the Indian Ocean at a $6,500-a-night villa (we’re guessing the islands’ helicopter rentals are now fully booked) . . . 38-year-old actress Gwyneth Paltrow tells this week’s “Closer” magazine the biggest misconception about her is that she’s ‘uptight’ and she doesn’t know why that exists (thereby confirming our impression she’s self-obsessed) . . . 51-year-old British actor Hugh Laurie says he’s set to quit his FOX-TV series “House” after the 8th season wraps shooting this Summer, one reason being he’s tired of getting up at 4 am (yeah, tell us about it) . . . Oprah Winfrey tells “Chicago Tribune” she wants to fulfill a life-long dream after her TV show ends later this month (May 25th) by appearing in a Broadway stage production in NYC (Step 1: Buy all the theaters …) . . . 37-year-old actress Penelope Cruz (“Pirates Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”) tells “Daily Mirror” she stays in shape with daily dance workouts of up to 4 hours (3 months after giving birth) . . . “Fast Five” is racking up huge numbers in movie theaters worldwide, playing at 6,979 locations in 58 countries for a worldwide gross-to-date of $324.7 million (“Fast 6” on the way?) . . . And 34-year-old actress Alicia Silverstone (“Clueless” and, more recently, “Clueless”) is upholding the time-honored tradition of saddling celeb spawn with bat-crap-crazy names, tagging her new son ‘Bear Blu’ (gee thanks, mom).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Lady Gaga mentors the 4 remaining contestants and helps pick songs from the catalogue of Jerry Leiber & Mike Stoller.
• “Cannes Film Festival” (France) – The 64th edition of the world’s top film fest reels today through May 22nd on the French Riviera. Tonight legendary Italian moviemaker Bernardo Bertolucci (“Last Tango in Paris”) is presented with an honorary Palme d’Or award for career achievement. Among the festival’s featured films this year: Madonna’s “WE”, about the early 20th century love affair between Wallis Simpson & Britain’s King Edward VIII.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Ke$ha (“I Am the Dance Commander & I Command You to Dance”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Taylor Swift performs “The Story of Us” (“Speak Now”).
• “Lady Gaga Presents The Monster Ball Tour: At Madison Square Garden” (HBO/HBO Canada) – Today’s top pop icon performs in front of an SRO crowd in NYC. (Rerun.)
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Zac Brown Band (“You Get What You Give”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Grouplove (“Grouplove”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Ex-Men at Work singer Colin Hay (“Gathering Mercury”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Jakob Dylan (“Women & Country”); Jennifer Hudson (“I Remember Me”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Ray LaMontagne (“God Willin’ & The Creek Don’t Rise”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Musiq Soulchild (“Musiqinthemagiq”)
• “South Park” (Comedy Central/Comedy Network) – An episode called “Royal Pudding” skewers Britain’s recent royal wedding with a Canadianized version (eh?) in which the ‘Princess of Canada’ gets kidnapped.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Dionne Warwick (“Only Trust Your Heart”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Steve Earle (“I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive”).

• Adele – She reveals in UK’s “The Sun” that her ex-boyfriend actually had the nerve to ask her for a percentage of royalties from her last album, “19”, claiming he inspired her to write about the heartache she suffered during their relationship.
• Aerosmith – Steven Tyler admits to that the band rejected “(It) Feels So Good” as a potential album track, so he hung onto for a couple of years until releasing it as a solo single this week.
• Cee Lo Green – He’s re-recorded his hit “Forget You” as “Thank You” for a Duracell campaign, paying tribute to volunteer firefighters. The re-done version of the song is a free download via the battery company’s Facebook page.
• Katy Perry – She’s tweeted a photo of herself bungee-jumping in New Zealand. (You’d think being married to Russell Brand would be enough of an adventure.)
• Keith Urban – According to “Women’s Wear Daily”, he’s about to join the ranks of celebrities with scents, as plans are afoot to launch his own fragrance produced by International Flavors & Fragrances. (‘Urbane’?)
• Kings of Leon – Guitarist Matthew Followill has announced the birth of his first child with wife Johanna, a boy named ‘Knox Cameron Patrick’. (He’s the Prince of Leon.)
• Lady Gaga – In preparation for her appearance on BBC Radio 1’s “Big Weekend” this Sunday she’s asked her entire team to speak in Cockney accents and is requesting traditional British food and drinks, including fish & chips, gin, and Pimms liqueur.
• Paul McCartney – His concert at the Estadio Monumental in Lima, Peru on Monday was his first-ever show in that country and his first live show of 2011. In a scene reminiscent of 1960s ‘Beatlemania’, swarms of shouting fans with homemade banners lined the streets.
• Whitney Houston – Her rep has confirmed the 47-year-old 1980s-90s diva has checked herself into an out-patient rehab program for treatment of drug & alcohol abuse.

Global warming has already harmed world food production and has driven up food prices by as much as 20% over recent decades, according to a new study published in the journal “Science”. The drop in the productivity of crop plants around the world has not been caused by changes in rainfall but because higher temperatures can create dehydration, prevent pollination, and lead to slowed photosynthesis. (But the biggest disaster is … the ice cream’s melting!).
– “The Guardian”

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Digilante’ – Someone who uses digital tools to avenge a crime. (“The movie we want to make is about a digilante who tracks down his enemies using Twitter, Facebook, and Foursquare. You’re right, there won’t be much action … but it will be in 3-D!”)
• ‘Edvertorial’ – Writing that appears to be objective journalism, but is actually a marketing piece designed to promote a specific brand. (On a related note, edvertorial is easier to type on a compact yet durable Lenova laptop due to the full-size keyboard … we’re just sayin’.)
• ‘Man Drought’ – A relative shortage of eligible bachelors in a particular area. (“There was such a man drought at the club last night, even engineers were getting lucky.”)

• Consumers cut back on spending.
• Investors grow skeptical of economic growth.
• Employers anticipate poor sales and stop hiring.
• The cost of food and other transported goods increases.
• Hitchhikers are given the finger more frequently by cash-squeezed drivers.
– Excerpted from

According to new research, the key to success on-the-job is working harder in short bursts. Try this for a day: Don’t answer every phone call; stop checking email every 2 minutes; be industrious for short periods, then give yourself a break before getting back to work. Experts promise you’ll be astounded at how much more you get done. The trick is staying focused, something most of us can only due for brief periods. (Oh look … a cloud that looks like Snoopy!)
– “Business Insider”

Concert promoter Live Nation and digital coupon dispenser Groupon have announced a joint venture to develop a new ticketing deals website called ‘GrouponLive’ which will serve as a resource for Live Nation events and for clients of its global ticketing business, Ticketmaster. The site will be a digital box office for consumers where tickets to concerts, sports, theater, and other live events can be found. The launch of the new website is planned in time for this Summer’s concert season. (If Groupon is any indication, your inbox is about to get even fuller.)

• If you’re a runner, experts recommended you use a minimum 30 SPF sunscreen; that you apply it at least every 2 hours; and that you use a waterproof product to protect against perspiration.
– “Runner’s World”
• Much of today’s music sound quality on MP3 players is miserable, worse than modest stereo systems of 30 years ago. Why? Most MP3 files simply leave out the subtler components of the music altogether, as much as 85% of what is actually recorded, in order to shrink the file size.
– “Discover Magazine”

“We have a whole new approach. There are so many categories, different ages and styles … I’m looking for not just potential.”
– Paula Abdul, telling “Hollywood Reporter” something or other about her new gig as a mentor on “The X Factor” this Fall. (Great having her back … we’ve missed her saying stupid stuff!)


1941 [70] Eric Burdon, Newcastle UK, oldies singer (& War-“Spill the Wine”, The Animals-“House Of the Rising Sun”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

1982 [29] Cory Monteith, Calgary AB [raised Victoria BC], TV actor (‘Finn Hudson’ on “Glee” since 2009 … a bit old for high school, ain’t he?)

• “Chair Day”, celebrating the invention of the common chair in 2181 BC. (Before that, no one ever ‘took a load off’.)

• “Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity Day”, the 9th annual observance on the 2nd Wednesday in May, when all working people are asked to donate the money they make this day to the charity of their choice. Donating time instead is promoted as another option.

• “Eat What You Want Day”, a day to ignore all the warnings, avoid worrying and counting calories, and thereby fight our obsession with being thin. (Okay, so if healthfulness is not in play, what do you really, really, really want?)

• “Ladies Who Don’t Swear Appreciation Day”. (Dammit! When’s the day for females who do freakin’ swear!?)

• “Receptionists Day”, in recognition of the frontline personnel in business and education, the ones responsible for a good first impression. (And besides, they’re really bitter about “Administrative Professionals Day” a couple weeks back.)

• “School Nurse Day”, celebrated annually on the Wednesday during “Nurses Week”, to honor those dedicated professionals who write handy excuse notes. (Also known as ‘Fake a Headache & Get Out of Class Day’.)

• “Third Shift Workers Day”, honoring everyone who works the night shift. Ask for calls from people with unusual all-night jobs.

1969 [42] “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” comedy troupe forms in Britain (eventually leads to a cutting-edge TV show, a series of hilarious films, and “Spamalot” on Broadway)

1981 [30] Legendary reggae musician Bob Marley dies of brain cancer in Miami, Florida at age 36 (today is “Bob Marley Day” in Jamaica)

1991 [20] “Joyride” by Roxette hits #1 on pop singles charts

2000 [11] Population of India crosses the 1 billion mark (the UN Population Division predicts world population may reach 11 billion in 2050 and just 6 countries will account for half of the growth: India, China, Pakistan, Nigeria, Bangladesh and Indonesia)

1990 [21] Cooks at the Royal Society Show in Dublin, Ireland make the ‘World’s Largest Lasagna’, measuring 5-by-50 ft (1.5-by-15 m) and weighing 3,610 lbs (1.6 tonnes)

2002 [09] ‘World’s Largest Omelette’, created by the Lung Association in Brockville ON, weighing in at 2.95 tonnes (6,510 lb)

2003 [08] Gary Duschl of Virginia Beach VA collects his 1 millionth chewing gum wrapper, adding it to a chain that stretches 8 miles (13 km) and weighs 600 lbs (272 kg)  BS FACTOID: His collection, begun in 1965 as a kid in Canada, now tops 1.5 million wrappers.

[Thurs] Limerick Day
[Fri] “Bridesmaids”; “Priest” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Sat] Chicken Dance Day
[Sat] Miranda Lambert & Blake Shelton wedding
[Sat] Miniature Golf Day
This Week Is … Historic Preservation Week
This Month Is … Brain Tumor Awareness Month


“National Children’s Book Week” has wrapped up for another year and once again these proposed publications failed to make the grade …
• “Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way”
• “Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share”
• “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
• “The Bumperstain Bears”
• “Curious George Goes to the Morgue”
• “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
• “The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy”
• “You Were an Accident”
• “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”

Finish this sentence: No matter how much the price of gasoline goes up, I’ll always splurge to drive to …?

In what country was the automobile invented?
a. England
b. France [CORRECT. Nicolas-Joseph Cugnot is widely credited with building the first self-propelled automobile. American Henry Ford later created the ‘assembly line’ method of producing cars.]
c. USA

Why don’t blondes talk during sex? It’s bad manners to talk to strangers.

Today’s Question: On average, THIS lasts 22 seconds.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Voicemail.

What the world needs are fewer rules and more good examples.

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