Monday, May 16, 2011        Edition: #4506
Can You Believe This Sheet?

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Country couple Blake Shelton (34) & Miranda Lambert (27), who have been dating since 2006, got hitched Saturday. They exchanged vows at the Don Strange Ranch near San Antonio, Texas in front of 550 friends and family members, including country stars Reba McEntire, Martina McBride, Dierks Bentley, Charles Kelly (Lady Antebellum), and Shelton’s fellow judge on reality TV show “The Voice”, Cee Lo Green. Lambert says, “I’m married to my best friend! Looking forward to a lifetime of laughter.”
– UsMagazine.com
• Two sources close to “Two-and-a-Half Men” reveal how former “That ‘70s Show” star Ashton Kutcher will be replacing Charlie Sheen. He won’t be taking over the role of ‘Charlie Harper’; show creator Chuck Lorre has apparently come up with a way to introduce Kutcher as a new character that will be seamless. The sources say Kutcher’s up for a ‘huge payday’. (For about 6 episodes, we predict.)
– “Hollywood Reporter”
• Kate Middleton, her sister Pippa, and mother Carole have filed with Britain’s Press Complaints Commission after 2 newspapers published 5-year-old pictures of them sunbathing aboard a yacht in Ibiza. The family decided to file the complaint in an attempt to ‘prevent further intrusions of their privacy’, following the wedding of Kate & Prince William last month. (So sorry, but a camera in your face 24/7 comes with the territory, your newly filthy rich highness!)
– “The Independent”
• In a rather odd case of life imitating art we hear that, in order to make sure that Wills & Kate were in fine voice for their big day, the happy couple employed the service of a speech therapist before the wedding. (Surely Hollywood isn’t paving the way for a “King’s Speech” sequel?)
– PopBitch.com
• “American Idol” host-turned-producer Ryan Seacrest is looking to launch a new fashion TV series with “Sex & The City” actress Sarah Jessica Parker. Seacrest the project as a ‘new and fresh concept’. Parker has reportedly wanted to work on a fashion show ever since she appeared on “Project Runway” in 2007. (We’ve reached Seacrest overkill, no?)
– “National Enquirer”
• At least 3 movies now in theaters feature a teaser scene for the next instalment as a reward for sitting through the end credits. “Thor” is one; “Fast Five” has a post-end-credit scene from “Fast Six”; and the Kate Hudson romantic comedy “Something Borrowed” has a teaser for another romantic hookup, based on the novel’s own sequel, “Something Blue”. (Problem is, “Something Borrowed” isn’t exactly setting the box office on fire, so the post-credit teaser may be all we ever see of a sequel.)
– QMI Agency

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Castle” (ABC/CTV) – In the season finalé, a hitman with info about the murder of ‘Beckett’s mother escapes during a court hearing.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Raphael Saadiq (“Stone Rollin’”).
• “Hawaii Five-O” (CBS/Global) – ‘Five-O’ is targeted by ‘Wo Fat’ in the season finalé.
• “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS) – ‘Ted’ acts as best man at an important wedding in the season finalé.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Rerun of Raphael Saadiq (“Stone Rollin’”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Biffy Clyro (“Only Revolutions”). The Scottish rock trio is opening a number of Foo Fighters shows this Spring.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Cee-Lo Green (“The Lady Killer”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – White Lies (“Ritual”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Fitz & The Tantrums (“Pickin’ Up The Pieces”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Collaborative performance group Tedeschi Trucks Band.
• “Too Big To Fail” (HBO) – Ed Asner stars as famed billionaire investor Warren Buffett in this new made-for-TV movie. Co-stars James Woods, William Hurt.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• AC/DC – They’ve been offered a lot of money to play in the UAE but have turned down the    invitation. Not for a moral or ethical reason, but simply because Brian Johnson ‘can’t get into the mood’ if playing to crowds of less than 60,000.
• Brad Paisley – He’ll have 2 songs on the “Cars 2” movie soundtrack out next month: the self-penned “Nobody’s Fool”, and the duet “Collision of Worlds” with British pop singer Robbie Williams.
• Britney Spears – Musician/producer Moby says she’s become a ‘broken-down shell of a human being’ but adds that that’s what makes her so ‘endearing’. He says she was already showing signs of her troubled side when he worked with her in 2003 … but he is still a fan.
• Kenny Chesney – His scheduled May 25th concert in tornado-ravaged Tuscaloosa, Alabama  will go on as planned, with proceeds going to relief efforts by local charity organizations.
• Lil Wayne – Weezy’s performing acoustic versions of select hits on an episode of MTV’s “Unplugged”, airing June 12th.
• Van Halen – They’ll apparently play their first gigs fronted by David Lee Roth since 2008 as part of Australia’s traveling “Soundwave Revolution 2011” which kicks off in Brisbane September 24th.

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 90% of women experience food cravings several times a month. (Chocolate! Gimme gimme!)
• 79% of men pay little or no attention to GPS directions. (Just like maps, only digital.)
• 62% of us fantasize at work about getting even with the boss. (So you wanna be a manager?)
• 56% of drivers admit they sometimes run red lights. (Green means ‘go’; red means ‘go fast’.)
• 33% of married women don’t trust their husbands to pay the bills. (Or clean the bathroom.)
• 20% of pet owners feed their pets ‘people food’ on a daily basis. (Does Fluffy-wuffy want some maple-flavored bacon?)
• 15% of us recycle old computers; the rest end up in landfills. (Good luck trying to sell one.)
• 11% of us go 21 days – or longer – before changing bedsheets. (Mmmmm … crusty!)

BEWARE THE END IS NEAR:
Notorious California evangelist Harold Camping, along with his “Family Radio” road show, have been cris-crossing America spreading the word that the world will end on Saturday, May 21st from a massive earthquake that will ‘shake it apart’. 60-year-old retired NYC subway worker Robert Fitzpatrick has become so convinced he’s pumped his $140,000-life savings into an ad campaign to spread the news. A word of caution before you jump on the badwagon: Camping has predicted the world would end before … on September 4, 1994. That, he admits, was a ‘misreading’. (Our prediction: Friday, May 20th … PARTY!!!!!)
– “NY Daily News”

WORLD’S MOST RIDICULOUS SPORTS TEAM NAMES:
• Wheeling WV ‘Hunkidoris’: A ‘hip’ term meaning ‘OK’ … about 150 years ago.
• Key School ‘Obezags’: An anagram of the word ‘gazebo’, which begs the question … why?
• ‘Wikki Tourists’ of Bauchi: A ‘visiting’ team in the Nigeria Premier League?
• Hamilton ‘Tiger-Cats’: So why is their fellow CFL team not the BC Lion-Cats?
• Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes: Imagine losing to a vegetable.
• UC Santa Cruz ‘Banana Slugs’: Can there be a more non-threatening animal?
• Columbia College ‘Fighting Koalas’: Yes, there can be a more non-threatening animal.
• Toronto ‘Maple Leafs’: Could willfully pluralizing ‘leaf’ incorrectly make you a perennial loser?
• Hartford ‘Wide Awakes’: Everyone gets a nap at halftime!
• Hokkaido Nippon ‘Ham Fighters’: Is this Japanese baseball team calling their opponents pigs?
• Cincinnati ‘Porkers’: Time for a team diet!
• King Faisal ‘Babies’: A seemingly not so fierce team in Ghana’s Premier Football League.
• Chattanooga Central ‘Purple Pounders’: Oh please.
– Adapted from Cracked.com

HEY, THAT’S MY KID!
Goats are able to recognize the voices of their very young kids and differentiate them from other animals’ offspring, according to a new University of London study. Scientists discovered that a mother goat is able to pick out her own baby from its voice alone by the time the kid is just 5-days-old. That surprised researchers because it was previously thought a nanny and kid rely mostly on smell to recognize one another in the first few weeks of the newborn’s life.
– BBC News

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Melbourne, Australia – A grandmother is using her life savings to pay for … facelifts for Shar Pei dogs. They’re deliberately bred to have folds of floppy flesh on their face, but because of that an estimated 80% suffer eye problems. Correcting the droopy muzzles costs circa $2,000 a pop.
– “Herald Sun”
• Leighton Buzzard, England – British cops are looking for a man who pulled into a gas station on Saturday, filled the tank of his car with $95-worth of gas, then drove away … while waving at the attendant. He’ll likely be nabbed shortly as he can be clearly seen on security footage.
– QMI Agency
• Houston, Texas – Four people have been indicted in a bank robbery after bragging about their $62,000 haul … on Facebook. One of the suspects posted, “I’m rich!” Another gloated, “Wipe my teeth with money.”
– NYPost.com
• Bochum, Germany – A man has been fined after he gunned down his neighbor’s pet frogs. He said he couldn’t sleep because of all the noise the amphibians were making. In other words, they croaked because they croaked.
– Orange.co.uk

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• A gas-powered lawn mower emits 11-and-a-half times more air pollution than the average car. (“Sorry, can’t cut the lawn today, honey … bad for the environment.”)
– EPA
• In a magazine poll, 23% of men say they think a black satin push-up bra is ‘sleazy’ but only 2% of the women agree. (To a guy, ‘sleazy’ is a good thing.)
– “Glamour”

BS CHRONOMETER 05.16.11

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1953 [58] Pierce Brosnan, Drogheda, Ireland, movie actor (“Mamma Mia!”, “Die Another Day”)

1954 [57] Dave (Dafydd) Rhys-Williams, Saskatoon SK, NASA astronaut (STS 90)

1964 [47] Boyd (‘BT’) Tinsley, Charlottesville VA, alt-rock musician (Dave Matthews Band-“Where Are You Going”, “Crash Into Me”)

1966 [45] Janet Jackson, Gary IN, pop singer (“All For You”, “Escapade”)/9th and youngest child in the dysfunctional Jackson family

1969 [42] David Boreanaz, Buffalo NY, TV actor (‘Special Agent Seeley Booth’ on “Bones” since 2005, “Angel” 1999-2004, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-99)

1973 [38] Tori Spelling, Beverly Hills CA, TV personality (“Tori & Dean: sTORIbook Weddings” 2011, “Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood” 2008-09, “Housesitter” 2007, “Tori & Dean: Inn Love” 2007, “Beverly Hills 90210” 1990-2000)/married to actor Dean McDermott (2006)

1983 [28] Kyle Wellwood, Windsor ON, NHL center (San Jose Sharks)

1986 [25] Megan Fox, Rockwood TN, movie actress (“Jennifer’s Body”, “Transformers” films)/TV actress (“Hope & Faith” 2004-06)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Biographers Day”, a day to start reading or writing a biography. What would you call yours?

• “International Sea Monkey Day”, celebrating the amazing pet that comes alive when placed in water. ‘Sea-Monkeys’ is the brand name for brine shrimp sold in hatching kits as novelty aquarium pets in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom since 1960.
NET: http://www.sea-monkeys.com

• “Wear Something Purple for Peace Day”, the first ‘intergalactic holiday’, as declared by a group called ‘The Moderns’ who contend aliens will not communicate with Earth due to our violent nature. The goal of this observance is to make the world a peaceful place and thereby encourage alien species to make contact.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1929 [82] The “Academy Awards” are inaugurated in Hollywood CA (“Wings” wins ‘Best Picture’)

2002 [09] “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones” opens in movie theaters

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1981 [30] “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes reaches #1 on pop singles chart and stays 9 weeks

2000 [11] Prince tells a press conference he will go back to using his name instead of the unpronounceable symbol he adopted to ‘free himself from undesirable contracts’

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1866 [145] 1st ‘Root Beer’ is marketed (Charles Elmer Hires)

1891 [120] ‘Spam’ is introduced by Geo A Hormel & Co (pink goo in a can)

2000 [11] Hillary Clinton is nominated to run for the US Senate, making her the 1st former First Lady to run for public office

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1991 [20] 14 Stanford University students begin leapfrogging and don’t stop for 10 days and 999.2 miles to set a Guinness World Record

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] World Hypertension Day
[Tues] World Telecommunications Day
[Tues] Full ‘Flower’ Moon
[Wed] International Museum Day
[Wed] Visit Your Relatives Day
[Wed] Employee Health & Fitness Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Bike to Work Week / Dog Bite Prevention Week / Emergency Medical Services Week / New Friends, Old Friends Week / Police Week / Transportation Week / World Trade Week

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS NAME GAME:
We give you the birth name of celebrities, you give us the name they choose to use …
• Thomas Mapother IV [Tom Cruise]
• Eric Bishop [Jamie Foxx]
• Alecia Moore [Pink]
• Eileen Regina Edwards [Shania Twain]
• Paul David Hewson [Bono]
• Carlos Irwin Estevez [Charlie Sheen]
• Curtis Jackson [50 Cent]
• Audrey Perry [Faith Hill]
• Dana Owens [Queen Latifah]
• Demetria Gene Guynes [Demi Moore]
– First published in “BS” 2006
NET: http://FreeRadioPrep.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s your least favorite household chore? (Of 25 common household chores, most respondents in an Anderson Consulting survey pick ‘vacuuming’. Hey, it sucks.)

BS RANDOM JOKE:
That was not dead air you just heard. That was me using sign language to introduce the next song for the hearing impaired.

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
What act did movie star Pierce Brosnan perform in the circus while in his teens?
a. Clown
b. Monkey Boy
c. Fire Eater. [CORRECT. A circus agent saw him busking and hired him for 3 years.]
– Wikipedia.org

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: An industry poll finds that THIS is the #1 most requested item in restaurants.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Extra napkins.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A ‘career’ is a ‘job’ that takes about 20 more hours a week.


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