May 17 2018

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Thursday, May 17, 2018 Edition: #6215

The BS Press!


There’ll be no “BS” service for Monday May 21 to observe the Canadian Victoria Day holiday. All subscribers will receive credit for the missed service day. The Bull Sheet will resume publication on Tuesday, May 22.

★ The most recent slew of “Meghan-and-Harry-are-getting-married” updates includes the fact that wedding guests were apparently recently issued a seven-page instruction guide on how to conduct themselves that day. Guests are reportedly to use the bathroom between 9 and 11 a.m. the morning of the wedding, as “there are very limited toilet facilities in St. George’s Chapel.” Less obvious is the rule about accessories, which reportedly only specifies “no swords.” Passports are a must, though, and hats are encouraged. (***See “Royal No-No’s”, below***)
(Things I don’t have to worry about, number 157…)
★ Stephen King found himself in hot water for a tweet about Melania Trump’s recent surgery that many felt was insensitive. The first lady underwent kidney surgery on Monday, and King tweeted: “Not to be snarky, but Melania can probably use a week’s rest from Blabbermouth Don. Sounds heavenly to me.” The outspoken liberal was immediately met with angry Twitter followers who felt his tweet was inappropriate considering the serious nature of Melania’s surgery.
(A half dozen late-night comics said the same thing, and everyone laughed…)
★ Expect “Roseanne” to cool it on politics and concentrate on family stories when it returns for the second season of its revival next year. The show’s return exceeded all expectations this spring, with the Roseanne character’s support for President Donald Trump attracting a fair bit of attention. As the season went on, the focus shifted from politics to family. That direction will continue next season, according to ABC Entertainment chief Channing Dungey, who spoke this week, introducing the network’s plans for next year.
★ Jennifer Love Hewitt has joined the cast of “9-1-1″ for Season 2. She steps in for Connie Britton, who is departing the at the conclusion of her one-year deal. Hewitt will play Maddie, the sister of firefighter Evan “Buck” Buckley (Stark), who is starting her life over as a 911 operator.
★ Lars Von Trier’s Cannes Film Festival comeback was marred by controversy after a screening of his new movie reportedly prompted a mass exit of 100 audience members. The Danish director debuted his latest project “The House That Jack Built” on Monday, but the bleak comic thriller starring Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman and Riley Keough, prompted audience members to leave en masse. Reports are that more than 100 people exited the screening after taking exception to the film’s graphic depiction of a serial killer’s murders and mutilation of women and children.
(Sure, that’s bad and all, but at least he didn’t tweet about Melania Trump!)
★ Tonya Harding is pretty happy to have made the “Dancing With the Stars: Athletes” finals!  After she and partner Sasha Farber made the final three, she said:  “It’s not about fame, it’s not about fortune, it’s about the journey of life and feeling like America has opened their arms to me and understands me better now.”  Harding, who was never at risk of being called ‘America’s Sweetheart’, went on to say that she is “Jjust another person. I’ve been knocked down and now I’ve been picked back up and because of America voting for us…I think that America has proven that they love me and they wanted to know what happened, and now they know.”
(Or maybe she’s just a good dancer?)

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Will Arnett, Lilly Singh, MGMT
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Tina Fey, Paul Bettany, Courtney Barnett
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Jake Tapper, Liam Payne featuring J. Balvin
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Kate McKinnon, Candice Bergen, Andre Leon Tally, Matt Byrne
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Steven Tyler, Morena Baccarin, Kacey Musgraves
• “Conan” (TBS/Comedy): Conan Without Borders: Italy ( R )
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Mary Steenburgen, Candice Bergen, Don Johnson
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Bret Baier, Alan Cumming
• “The Talk” (CBS): Candice Bergen, Chef Curtis Stone, guest co-host Carrie Ann Inaba
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Scott Foley, Yara Shahidi, Peter Gros
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Sandra Bullock, Shawn Mendes
• “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC): Season finale
• “Supernatural” (The CW): Season finale
• “Arrow” (The CW): Season finale
• “Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Tampa Bay vs. Washington

• Kanye West – has shared a teaser video on Twitter which features a work-in-progress tracklist. The video also features a song sample which could appear on the album. He wrote: “for anyone whose tried to text or call me in the past 2 weeks I got rid of that phone so I could focus on these albums.”
• Liam Payne – his debut solo album will be released in September. The One Direction star performed on “Good Morning America” for their Summer Concert Series live from New York’s Central Park on Tuesday, where he revealed the release date.
• Def Leppard – will launch their own ‘Def Leppard Pale’ beer brand on their co-headlining tour of North America with Journey, which will begin in Hartford, CT on Monday. They’ve teamed up with Seattle, WA-based Elysian Brewing, and the beer will be available at most concert venues and select restaurants, bars and pubs near the venues on their tour.
• Chris Cornell – His widow Vicky Cornell has announced plans for a special vigil at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery tomorrow, to mark the first anniversary of his death. In a message to fans, she wrote: “The children and I are so grateful to you all for being by our sides throughout all of this. Your love has created a close-knit community, more like a family, to grieve with, to provide support, and to help us heal. We could not have gotten through these last 12 months without you.” She asks that fans “Light a candle, say a prayer, say his name.”
• Foreigner – have debuted at #1 on a pair of US classical music charts with the newly-released set, “Foreigner With The 21st Century Symphony Orchestra & Chorus.” The project – which sees the group reinterpret their hits with a 58-piece orchestra and a 60-piece choir, debuts atop both the Classical Albums and Classical Crossover Albums charts.
• Mick Jagger – Sir Mick says he ”doesn’t know” how to be anything other than a rock star. Though he says he is happy with his life, he doesn’t think he has many other options: ”I’ve really done little else in my life – it’s a bit limiting. It’s a very cloistered, weird existence.”
• The Smashing Pumpkins – have launched a sweepstakes for a “1979 House Party”. The winner and a guest will receive exclusive access to an intimate show at an LA residence, a Yamaha guitar, round-trip flights and more. Enter at
• Kurt Cobain – his daughter Frances Bean has lost the battle for her late father’s guitar, after the finalization of her divorce settlement saw the instrument handed to her ex-husband Isaiah Silva. However, Frances did win big. She reportedly won’t have to pay a penny in spousal support after he originally put in a claim for $25,000 a month.
• Sam Hunt – released his new single ‘Downtown’s Dead’, yesterday. It’s his first since the February 2017 release of ‘Body Like a Back Road’, a song that sat at the top of the Billboard Hot Country Songs Chart for 25 consecutive weeks — a new record.
• Luke Bryan – has announced his ‘Crash My Playa – 5th Year Fiesta’ destination event taking place Jan. 23-26, 2019 in Riviera Maya, Mexico. The Caribbean beach vacation, which has sold out for the past four years, will include Bryan headlining two of the four nightly concerts with one of those deemed as “Luke & Friends Set.” Additional performers will be announced “soon”.
• George Strait – will appear at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo in 2019 for a special closing night concert on March 17. That show will mark his 30th RODEOHOUSTON appearance.

Everybody loves a vacation. But if you are packing your bags and getting out of town, you could be unwittingly setting yourself for a rough return home. Until now, the common wisdom has been that it is a good idea to affix an identification tag to your suitcase. That way if it gets lost, there is at least a chance that it will be returned to you. Now, some are saying this could be a big mistake. The word is that if the wrong person gets hold of your suitcase, the ID tells them: “This house is empty, please burgle — and take your time”. Alright, you don’t want to make your address visible, what should you do? Use your work address and your cell number. That way, even if your phone has a problem, your name and work address will help you and your underwear get reunited. It’s also a good idea is to take a picture of your luggage and add it to a word document with your contact details, which you can carry with you.
(I’m not worried. Whenever I go away, it seems that the entire city’s teenage population mysteriously drops in to visit my kids!)
(Great. Now I have to tell my new boss that I not only come with baggage, I also come with luggage!)

The good news: Researchers say they have taken a tantalizing step forward in the quest to beat the common cold. The bad news: A cure for the common cold is still a long way off. Roberto Solari, of the British National Heart and Lung Institute, says that according to their research, the trick is to develop drugs that interact with one of the enzymes within our cells – an approach that makes it harder for the virus to become drug-resistant. The team of white-coats have a long and complicated explanation for what they did, but we’ll skip right to the bottom line: They have developed a drug which makes it so the cold virus can’t replicate – the patient actually doesn’t make infectious particles.
But Solari said a cure for the common cold still going to be awhile: the drug will need to undergo further developments and optimization before it can be used as a medication, while tests have so far only been carried out on human cells in a dish.
(Maybe they should start with something simpler. Like curing the man-cold.)
(What I wanna know is this: If there is no cure, why are rows 4through 6 at the pharmacy filled with cold remedies?)
(Ah, well. Back to chicken soup and watching football!)

Canadian beekeepers are reporting that the nasty winter felt across much of the country is to blame for heavy losses of bees. A survey of close to 900 Ontario beekeepers shows that 70% of colonies suffered “unsustainable” losses over the winter. The president of the Ontario Beekeepers’ Association says this probably won’t affect the price of honey, but it could cause problems for farmers and others in agriculture because there will be fewer bees available to pollinate crops.
(I blame the groundhog…)
(Always the bees, never the hornets…)

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have handed royal wedding guests a seven-page document outlining rules for the big day. Here are some highlights:
✗ Guests are advised that there are very limited toilet facilities in St George’s Chapel, but these are available for guests’ use between 9-11am, at which point this facility will become restricted for the duration of the service. (Restricted to those who have to go really, really bad?)
✗ Guests will not be permitted to take their own pictures, with phones or “any device used for image capture” to be surrendered prior to the ceremony. (They know this thing is on TV, right?)
✗ No swords.
✗ Passports are a must.
✗ Hats are encouraged (Duh!)
✗ Guests are not to bring wedding gifts to the ceremony or reception. Delivery should be organized beforehand by those who have chosen to give the couple a present. However…
✗ Meghan and Harry have requested that their guests make a donation to a charity in lieu of presents, outlining seven different causes they have suggested people can make donations to.
(All this, and they never thought to ban ‘The Chicken Dance’?)
-Newsweek, Cosmopolitan


1956 [62] Bob Saget, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (“Full House” 1987-1995, “America’s Funniest Home Videos” 1989-1997)

1961 [57] Enya, Gweedore Ireland, world music singer (‘Only Time’, ‘Orinoco Flow’)

1962 [56] Craig Ferguson, Glasgow, Scotland, stand-up comedian/TV host (“The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” 2005-14)/TV actor (“Drew Carey Show” 1996-2004)

1965 [53] Trent Reznor, Mercer PA, rock singer (Nine Inch Nails-‘Every Day is Exactly the Same’)/film score composer (“The Social Network”, “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”)

1969 [49] Alan Doyle, Petty Harbour, NL, singer (‘So Let’s Go’, Great Big Sea-‘Ordinary Day’, ‘Consequence Free’)

1970 [48] Jordan Knight, Worcester MA, former boy-band pop singer (New Kids On the Block-‘Hangin’ Tough’)

1973 [45] Josh Homme, Joshua Tree CA, rock musician-songwriter (Queens Of the Stone Age-‘No One Knows’)

1985 [33] Derek Hough, Salt Lake City UT, professional dancer (6-time champ on “Dancing With the Stars” 2007-2016)

• “Pack Rat Day”, celebrating people who squirrel away all kinds of ‘stuff’. What’s the oddest thing you have that you refuse to throw away? (But I might need those old soup cans someday!)

• “World Hypertension Day”, an annual observance to highlight the fact that stroke, heart, and kidney diseases caused by high blood pressure are preventable.

• “World Telecommunications Day”, a UN observance since 1969.

• “Cherry Cobbler Day”, dedicated to the delicious tart dessert that many enjoy with ice cream.

• “Walnut Day”, to show recognition and promote awareness of the walnut.
Some Walnut Wack Facts:
• Walnuts are the oldest known tree food — they date back to 10,000 BC!
• 99% of the commercial U.S. supply and 3/4 of the world trade of walnuts now come from California.
• Walnuts have always been considered important for their medicinal properties, including curing bad breath, reducing inflammation, and healing wounds.
• More recently, the nutritional benefits of walnuts have become well-known, especially their omega-3 fatty acid content.
• The Greeks called walnuts karyon, meaning “head,” because the shell resembles a human skull and the walnut kernel itself looks like a brain!

[Fri] Endangered Species Day
[Fri] NASCAR Day
[Sat] Armed Forces Day
[Sat] Devil’s Food Cake Day

2011 [07] The final episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” is recorded in Chicago IL, with many celebrities attending (None of them were awarded a car!)

2012 [06] Donna Summer dies of lung cancer at her home in Naples, Florida, at age 63

2015 [03] Taylor Swift receives 8 awards at the Billboard Music Awards; Pharrell Williams, Meghan Trainor, One Direction, and Sam Smith are also multiple winners

1964 [54] First Tim Horton’s coffee and donut shop opens in Hamilton, Ontario, owned by NHL player Tim Horton

2004 [14] Massachusetts becomes the 1st US state to legalize same-sex marriage (today is celebrated as “Same Sex Marriage Day” in America)

2009 [09] Gonzales (former Feist collaborator) breaks Guinness World Record for ‘Longest Public Solo Performance’ by performing 300 consecutive songs over more than 27 straight hours in Paris, France

2011 [07] The oldest panda in the world, Ming Ming, dies at the age of 34 in Guangdong, China


✓ The very first microwaves, sold to commercial kitchens and restaurants, weighed over 700 pounds and cost $5,000.
✓ Kids who got slimed on Nickelodeon’s “You Can’t Do That on Television” were paid an extra $150 for their troubles.
✓ Scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks there’s a 50-50 chance that the world we’re living in is just a simulation.
✓ According to research, our love for shiny things comes from an evolutionary instinct to seek out water.
✓ The odd spines on a cat’s tongue untangle snags when passed over fur, acting as a natural comb.
✓ Chimpanzees perceive butts the same way that humans perceive faces.

• Downton Abbey: The Box Set.
• Pretty much anything from their Wal Mart gift registry
• A coupon for a free 6 pack of Royal Crown Cola
• Big ol’ bottle of Crown Royal
• An English to English dictionary, to mitigate cross-continental language confusion
• Family Jewels
• All the tea in China
• A royale with cheese
• Matching mugs that say “We’ll Never Be King and Queen”
• A Bed Bath and Beyond Gift card, of course
• Privacy

If your pet could talk, what would be the first question you would ask it?

1. 4% of people claim to never do THIS:
a. wash their car [CORRECT]
b. wash their jeans
c. wash their bedsheets
d. wash their children

2. 50% of women won’t leave home without THIS:
a. a purse
b. a phone
c. a mirror [CORRECT]
d. wine

Literally is literally the most misused word in the English language.

Question: About 15% of women say they get jealous about THIS. What?
Answer: Another woman’s weight loss success

Be the type of person who leaves a mark, not a scar.

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