Wednesday, May 2, 2012       Edition: #4740

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

HBO has just re-upped Julia Louis-Dreyfus series “Veep” and its much-maligned comedy show “Girls” for 2nd seasons (everyone can just keep complaining for another year) . . . Filmmaker Joss Whedon’s follow-up to the blockbuster “The Avengers” (opening Friday) will be an adaptation of Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing”, starring Nathan Fillion (from superheroes to super-low-budget) . . . “New Girl” star Zooey Deschanel is the new face of Pantene shampoo (apparently it does wonders for bangs) . . . Acting couple Maggie Gyllenhaal & Peter Sarsgaard are celebrating the arrival of another baby girl, this one named ‘Gloria Ray’ (in case of a future gender-switch) . . . This week 36-year-old Nadya Suleman, the infamous ‘Octomom’, has filed for bankruptcy with assets of less than $50,000 and debts between $500,000 and $1 million (not all due to 14 kids, but luxuries like a $500-a-year gym membership) . . . “Glee” regular Matthew Morrison has weighed in on Lindsay Lohan’s guest appearance on the upcoming season finalé, saying that ‘whatever happened the work got done’ (kind of a lukewarm endorsement) . . . And 19-year-old underage “Hunger Games” star Josh Hutcherson has been spotted using fake ID at a Ralph’s Grocery in California to buy a bottle of Macallan whisky which, by the way, goes for $170 (at least he’s not taking cheap shots).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The finalists perform.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Daryl Hall (“Laughing Down Crying”); Kid Cudi (“Man On the Moon II”). Rerun.
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – 1980s icon Rick Springfield (“An Affair Of the Heart: The Journey of Rick Springfield & His Devoted Fans”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Brad (“United We Stand”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bombay Bicycle Club (“Different Kind of Fix”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Norah Jones (“Little Broken Hearts”). Also performs in a “Live On Letterman” webcast at 8 pm EDT that streams live and on-demand.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Guest co-host Josh Groban (“Illuminations”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – K’Naan f/Nelly Furtado (“Is Anybody Out There?”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Lady Antebellum, capping their visit to NYC where their “Own the Night Tour 2012 World Tour” has sold out 2 shows at Radio City Music Hall.

• Backstreet Boys – After leaving in 2006, Kevin Richardson has now officially rejoined the group. This Summer they’ll be in London to record a new album.
• Beach Boys – They’ve put aside past differences and tonight kick off a 40-city 50th anniversary reunion tour in St Augustine, Florida. 71-year-old Mike Love says they’ve rehearsed more than 50 songs spanning all their albums, and are also planning to release an as-yet-untitled album of new material this Summer.
• Beyoncé – She tells “People” magazine the rumors that she secretly used a surrogate mom to have her daughter Blue Ivy in January were crazy. Quote: “It wasn’t hurtful, it was just crazy. Where did they come up with this?” (Technically not a denial, is it?)
• Chris Brown – Today in Los Angeles he’s launching a new line of collectable toys with artist Ron English. The limited-edition set of figures and sculptures is called ‘Dum English’. (Brown endorsing toys? We would have thought boxing gloves.)
• Duran Duran – They’ve been confirmed as the headliners of a concert to mark the start of the Olympic Games in London. The outdoor gig in Hyde Park July 27th will also feature Paolo Nutini, Snow Patrol, and the Stereophonics. (This is the best they can offer? Where’s Cliff Richard?)
• Jennifer Lopez – She & Enrique Iglesias will launch their co-headlining Summer tour of North America in Montréal on July 14th.
• John Mayer – A ‘source’ tells “Us Weekly” that his new song, “Shadow Days”, was written as a ‘farewell letter’ to Jennifer Aniston.
• Justin Bieber – He’s tweeted his ‘love’ for Indonesia after referring to it as ‘some random country’ in a newspaper quote. Indonesia has the world’s 3rd-largest Facebook community and the 5th-largest number of Twitter accounts. (And he has a new album coming soon so …)
• The Wanted – First they slagged Xtina, now they’re blabbing about Britney Spears. They’ve told NYC’s Fresh 102.7 that when they supported Spears during her UK tour last year, they were told to ‘face the wall’ whenever she walked by.
• Whitney Houston – Her 78-year-old mother Cissy Houston tells “NY Times” she plans to write a book, vowing to set the record straight while including both ‘the good and the bad’. Insiders say she may get a 7-figure publishing deal, depending on what she reveals about Whitney’s drug issues and marriage to Bobby Brown.
• – He’s been reprimanded by a show runner for “The X Factor” in the UK for texting during performances by contestants. Britain’s “Daily Express” says he was ordered to switch off the device and focus on being a judge. Producers reprimanded him afterward for being ‘unprofessional’.

The world’s most advanced solar-powered plane is taking off for Africa this month. The Swiss team that built the ‘Solar Impulse’ says the jumbo jet-sized prototype airplane will make the 2,500-km (1,550-mi) trip from Switzerland to Morocco. The plane has already flown to France and Belgium, and the team has plans for an around-the-world flight in 2014. (“This is the captain speaking. If you look off the left wing you’ll see that it’s clouded over and we’re quickly approaching … the ground.”)

• A Purdue University study contends that golf is, in fact, good exercise. Playing 18 holes while pulling your clubs around burns an average 1,060 calories. Believe it or not, that’s the equivalent of running 6 miles. (Even more if you’re a lousy golfer who’s scouring the woods for lost balls on every hole.)
• Research from Holland finds that beer may help prevent heart disease because beer drinkers experience up to a 30% increase of vitamin B6 in their blood plasma. But one researcher cautions that you should not drink alcohol to become healthy. (So how come so many toasts end with ‘… to your health’?)
• Managers who exercise are less likely to be abusive to employees, a new Northern Illinois University study has found. Researchers say that stressed supervisors without regular physical activity struggle to cope with time pressure and tend to vent their frustrations on subordinates. (Do yourselves a favor, take up an office collection for a gym membership.)

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Crop’ – A scrapbooking event where hobbyists get together to exchange materials and ideas while cropping photos and adding doodads to their scrapbooks. (“Busy Saturday night? Because we’re having a crop down at the church basement. Should be a real blast!”)
✓ ‘Protestival’ – A festival where people gather to protest something or to promote a cause, ie: Seattle, Washington’s annual “Hempfest” held in August, billed as the ‘world’s largest marijuana protestival’. (Few of the participants are able to actually pronounce protestival without giggling.)
✓ ‘Swoop Furniture’ – Designed to appeal to young people who flop and sprawl sideways but rarely sit up straight. These upholstered chairs have armrests only on one side and can be shoved together to form larger loungers. (For more info, see cartoon strip “Zits”.)


■ The world’s fastest spider moves about 10 mph (16 kph).
■ The odds of being killed in a 5-mile (8-k) bus trip are 1-in-500 million.
■ In terms of mass, an electron is to a watermelon what a watermelon is to the Sun.
■ The average gas-powered lawnmower emits 11-and-a-half times the air pollution of a car.
– “Sizesaurus”


✗ Ignored by Science – Many studies about how the brain works specifically prohibit lefties from participating because left-handed people’s brains are wired differently than righties.
✗ Less Money – Harvard University research has found that lefties make 10% less on average than their right-handed counterparts, particularly if they’re female.
✗ Addictive Personality – On average, lefties drink more often and in greater quantities than righties, likely the reason lefties are more likely to be alcoholics.
✗ It’s a Rightie World – Most things simply aren’t laid out for lefties. This leads to left-handed people being 5 times more likely to die in accidents than right-handed people.
✗ Fear Factor – Lefties are twice as likely to suffer posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). That may be because the right side of their brain is dominant, the side that controls fear response.


1,061 people in samurai costumes have marched through Kofu, Japan and into the “Guinness Book of World Records” as part of the annual Shingen-ko Festival, which honors a 16th-century feudal lord. This latest parade of warriors has been recognized as the ‘World’s Largest Gathering of Contemporary People Dressed as Samurai’.

• According to ancient Jewish law, a marriage may be ended due to … halitosis. Israel’s former chief rabbi says the law is still legitimate. (“And your grounds for divorce?” “Irreconcilable breath, your honor.”)
• Scientists in Brazil have reported the emergence of a species of ‘super-flea’. They are bigger than cockroaches and can jump as high as 20 feet (6 m). (Like a human high-jumper clearing a mile-high hurdle.)


1955 [57] Donatella Versace, Reggio di Calabria, Italy, fashion designer (Vice-President & Chief Designer, Versace Group)/plastic surgery victim/sister of late designer Gianni Versace

1972 [40] Dwayne Johnson (‘The Rock’), Hayward CA, movie actor (“Fast Five”, “Race to Witch Mountain”)/6’-5”, 272-lb WWE wrestler (1996-2004, 2011-12)

1975 [37] David Beckham, London UK, soccer star (LA Galaxy, ex-England nationals)/wed to Spice Girl Victoria Adams in 1999/father to Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz, and Harper Seven

1978 [34] Mike Weaver, Brampton ON, NHL defenceman (Florida Panthers)

1979 [33] Jason Chimera, Edmonton AB, NHL winger (Washington Capitals)

1980 [32] Ellie Kemper, Kansas City MO, TV actress (‘Erin Hannon’ on “The Office” since 2009)

1980 [32] Brad Richards, Murray Harbour PEI, NHL center (New York Rangers)

1985 [27] Lily Allen, London UK, pop singer (“The Fear”, “Smile”)

1987 [25] Kris Russell, Caroline AB, NHL defenceman (St Louis Blues)


• “Be Kind to Smelly People Day”. So we what … hose them down and introduce them to hygiene products?

• “Play Your Ukulele Day”, when you’re encouraged to play a ukulele, share your ukulele, and teach someone else how to play. The theme is ‘changing the world 4 strings at a time’.

• “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers & sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got ratted on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen … and get even!)

1997 [15] Mike Myers’ “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” opens in movie theaters


1972 [40] Bruce Springsteen auditions for Columbia Records A&R head John Hammond in NYC, who is so impressed he immediately arranges a set that night at the Gaslight Club for fellow execs

2007 [05] 1,876 guitarists gather in Wroclaw, Poland to set a new Guinness World Record by simultaneously performing “Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix

1670 [342] Hudson’s Bay Company is chartered by King Charles II of England (we’re pretty sure some of the same sales clerks are still there)

1986 [26] “Expo 86” opens in Vancouver (22 million visit over the next 5 months)

1967 [45] Toronto Maple Leafs beat Montréal Canadiens 4 games to 2 to win their 13th and last Stanley Cup, setting off the longest-active championship drought in the NHL … 45 years and counting

[Fri] “The Avengers” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] International Firefighters Day
[Fri] No Pants Day
[Fri] Respect for Chickens Day
[Sat] Kentucky Derby (Louisville)
[Sat] Free Comic Book Day
This Week Is … Correctional Officers Week
This Month Is … Food Drive for Homeless Animals Month


• The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
• Don’t throw a brick straight up.
• If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
• Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
• When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
• When using a Weed Whacker, don’t hold the end with the wire.


☎ Which show biz star hasn’t aged so gracefully? (Our list includes Ashley Judd, Barry Manilow, Billy Crystal, Kenny Rogers, Melanie Griffith, Mickey Rourke, and … hmm, anyone over 50.)


• According to research at the University of California at Davis, which may be as good for your heart as red wine (without the bad alcohol side-effects)?
a. Cranberry Juice.
b. Apple Juice. [CORRECT. Unsweetened, 100% apple juice is best.]
c. Grapefruit Juice.

• Which well-known woodwind instrument is also known by the odd names ‘cornemuse’, ‘ditka’, ‘gaita’, ‘piva’, ‘zampogna’, and ‘zummarch’?
a. Clarinet.
b. Saxophone.
c. Bagpipes. [CORRECT]
– “Compton’s Encyclopedia”


You can’t buy happiness … but you can lease it.


Question: The average lifespan of THIS is 3 years.
Answer: Mouse pad.

We like to give but we hate to lose.

Printer Friendly Version