Thursday, May 2, 2013       Edition: #4976

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

✳ Today Lindsay Lohan is reportedly due to enter rehab at the Seafield Center in Westhampton Beach on Long Island NY. The 26-year-old was given a few weeks to get her personal matters in order before the court-ordered 90-day treatment as punishment for lying to police over a California car crash last year. The troubled actress has been in talks with website Celebuzz about blogging all her deepest thoughts after completing rehab. (The ‘deepest’ measure an eighth-inch.)
✳ Seems the domestic diva needs dating help! Martha Stewart has set up a profile on in which she describes herself as ‘entrepreneurial’ and goes on to spell out exactly what it is she’s looking for: “Someone who’s intelligent, established, and curious; and who relishes adventure and new experiences. A lover of animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” (Best part of having Martha Stewart as your girlfriend: ‘Crafts Night’ every Saturday!)
✳ TNT has picked up “Dallas” for a 3rd season, ordering 15 more episodes that it hopes to debut in early 2014. It was unclear whether the TV network would continue with the rebooted series following the death of actor Larry Hagman (‘JR Ewing’), but an average audience of 3.8 million during its 2nd season appears to have been enough to get the greenlight. (“Dallas” without ‘JR’ is like Corn Flakes without milk, a geek without braces, a fat kid without sugar.)
– “USA Today”
✳ Show biz couple Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon headed to Disneyland this week to renew their wedding vows. Carey donned a princess-style bridal gown to say ‘I do again’ with Cannon in front of the Sleeping Beauty Castle at the California amusement park. The extravagant bash also served as a 2nd birthday party for the couple’s twins, Moroccan & Monroe, who were born on their 3rd wedding anniversary in 2011. (Renewing vows every year worked so well for Heidi Klum & Seal, didn’t it?)
✳ And a clothing line inspired by the hit Brit TV series “Downton Abbey” is set to launch. The ITV period drama has captured imaginations worldwide since its debut in 2010, and Carnival Films has now decided to capitalize on the success by making early 20th century ‘Crawley Family’ fashions available, plus an entire line of related products including beauty treatments, furniture, housewares, wallpaper, and stationary. (One can hardly wait for ‘Dowager Lingerie’.)

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Contestants face elimination; “Idol” alum David Cook performs.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Michael Bublé (“To Be Loved”).
• “Golden God Awards” (AXS/Xbox Live/Facebook) – “Revolver” magazine’s 5th annual honors for the best in hard rock and metal music, hosted by WWE star and Fozzy frontman Chris Jericho at LA’s Club Nokia. Performances by Anthrax, Dillinger Escape Plan, Five Finger Death Punch, Halestorm, and Stone Sour. Metallica is presented the ‘Ronnie James Dio Lifetime Achievement Award’; Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) is honored as ‘Riff Lord’.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Airborne Toxic Event (“Such Hot Blood”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Foals (“Holy Fire”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Icona Pop (“I Love It”); Too $hort (“No Tresspassing”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Aussie indie rockers Atlas Genius (“When It Was Now”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Natasha Bedingfield (“Strip Me”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Awolnation (“Megalithic Symphony”).

• “Big Brother Canada” (Slice)
• “Parks & Recreation” (NBC/CityTV)
• “Wife Swap” (ABC)

• Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Steven Van Zandt missed their Australian tour due to filming commitments, playing the role of a mobster in the Norwegian TV show “Lilyhammer”. That at least made him available to join the band on opening night of the tour’s European leg in Oslo. The trek visits 14 countries by the end of July.
• Fleetwood Mac – They’ve released their first new music in 10 years in the form of a 4-song EP called “Extended Play”. It’s currently available exclusively on iTunes. Their North American tour resumes tomorrow in Little Rock, Arkansas and runs through June 26th in Des Moines, Iowa.
• George Jones – Today his funeral takes place at Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry House starting at 10 am, an event that’s open to the public. The service airs live on GAC 11 am-12:30 pm. He died Friday after being hospitalized earlier in April with a fever and irregular blood pressure.
• Thompson Square – The duo of Kiefer & Shawna Thompson has their 2nd #1 country hit with “If I Didn’t Have You”. In 2010, they hit #1 with “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?”.
• Tim McGraw – Tonight he launches his 30-city “Two Lanes of Freedom 2013 Tour” in Birmingham, Alabama. The trek continues through July. Opening acts are Brantley Gilbert and Love & Theft.
• TLC – In honor of their 20th anniversary, surviving members Tionne ‘T-Boz’ Watkins and Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas have a tour in the works, plus a VH1 TV movie and new album due this Fall. The tour will feature bigscreen digital projections of late member Lisa ‘Left-Eye’ Lopes.

“Iron Man 3” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): ‘Tony Stark’ embarks on an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution when his world is torn apart by a formidable terrorist called ‘The Mandarin’ (Ben Kingsley). Stars Robert Downey Jr, Gwyneth Paltrow, Guy Pearce, Don Cheadle. Special 9 pm Thursday North American opening. The film’s already grossed close to $200 million overseas.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Annie” – “Django Unchained” star Jamie Foxx is in talks to join 9-year-old actress Quvenzhane Wallis in a new movie adaptation of the popular musical, playing a variation of the ‘Daddy Warbucks’ character. The project is being produced by Jay-Z, Will Smith, and Jada Pinkett-Smith.
• “Cinderella” – “Downton Abbey” actress Lily James (‘Lady Rose McClare’) has landed the lead in Disney’s live-action retelling of the classic fairytale that’s due in 2014. Oscar-winner Cate Blanchett co-stars as the evil stepmother and Kenneth Branagh directs. The title role had originally been offered to “Harry Potter” actress Emma Watson but negotiations broke down.
• “Guys & Dolls” – A remake of the 1955 hit musical film is in the works. The original movie adaptation, based on the 1950 Broadway musical, starred Frank Sinatra (‘Nathan Detroit’) and Marlon Brando (‘Sky Masterson’). 20th Century Fox is reportedly keen on actors Channing Tatum and Joseph Gordon-Levitt taking on those iconic roles.
• “The Secret Service” – Mark Millar, who wrote the comic book series, describes it as ‘James Bond’ meets “My Fair Lady”. Colin Firth plays ‘Uncle Jack’, a superspy working for Britain’s MI6 who becomes mentor to his slacker nephew in an attempt to usher the young man into a life of espionage. Directed by filmmaker Matthew Vaughn (“X-Men: First Class”, “Kick-Ass”).
• Untitled Woody Allen Comedy – Colin Firth & Emma Stone will star in Woody Allen’s latest movie, set to shoot in the south of France this Summer. It will mark Allen’s 8th movie set in Europe and his 2nd French film, following 2011’s “Midnight in Paris”. The plot of the move is still under wraps.

Whether it’s an a cappella group or the church chorale, new research shows that singing in a choir could do a lot for your state of mind. The finding, discovered by researchers at Turkey’s Abant Izzet Baysai University and published in the journal “Psychology of Music”, show that singing in a choir can be associated with decreased levels of anxiety. (Leonard Cohen: “Like a drunk in a midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free.”)

Freck your eyes over these ludibrious definitions, and you’ll be kenching in no time …
✓ Freck – To move swiftly or nimbly.
✓ Kench – To laugh loudly.
✓ Deliciate – To revel; to enjoy oneself.
✓ Brabble – To squabble; to quarrel about trifles.
✓ Ludibrious – Apt to be a subject of jest or mockery.
✓ Jollux – A fat person.
✓ Jargogle – To confuse or jumble up.
Can you use them all in a sentence?
– Condensed from

Japan’s Fujitsu corporation has unveiled a smartphone that can take a person’s pulse by looking at their face. Pointing the phone’s camera at a person’s face for around 5 seconds will lead to an accurate reading. The technology could be available within a year and might also have security applications. At airports, for instance, the technology could be used to identify people who are acting suspiciously. (Or at least who are in heat.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

The creators of the new Wool & Prince shirt claim you can wear their button-down creations for 100 days or more without them wrinkling, showing dirt, or smelling. It’s said they look as if they’re fresh from the dry cleaner all the time. The secret is in the hi-tech material, woven from fine wool thread using special thread dynamics. The shirts are $98 each, which might be worth it if there’s really no maintenance. (But there’s gotta be something unhygienic about wearing a shirt dozens of times without washing it, right?)

The first letter of each continent’s name is the same as its last. (AmericA, AntarcticA, EuropE, etc)
– “Fun Facts”


1955 [58] Donatella Versace, Reggio di Calabria, Italy, fashion designer (Vice-President & Chief Designer, Versace Group)/scary plastic surgery victim/sister of late designer Gianni Versace

1972 [41] Dwayne Johnson (‘The Rock’), Hayward CA, movie actor (“Fast Five”, “Race to Witch Mountain”)/6’-5”, 272-lb WWE wrestler (1996-2004, 2011-13)

1975 [38] David Beckham, London UK, soccer star (ex-LA Galaxy, ex-England nationals)/wed to Spice Girl Victoria Adams in 1999/father to Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz, and Harper Seven

1978 [35] Mike Weaver, Brampton ON, NHL hockey defenceman (Florida Panthers)

1979 [34] Jason Chimera, Edmonton AB, NHL hockey forward (Washington Capitals)

1980 [33] Ellie Kemper, Kansas City MO, TV actress (‘Erin Hannon’ on “The Office” 2009-13)

1980 [33] Brad Richards, Murray Harbour PEI, NHL hockey center (New York Rangers)

1985 [28] Lily Rose Cooper (Lily Allen), London UK, pop singer (“The Fear”, “Smile”)

1987 [26] Kris Russell, Caroline AB, NHL hockey defenceman (St Louis Blues)

• “Be Kind to Smelly People Day”. So we what … hose them down and introduce them to hygiene products?

• “Play Your Ukulele Day”, when you’re encouraged to play a ukulele, share your ukulele, and teach someone else how to play. The theme is ‘changing the world 4 strings at a time’.

• “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers & sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got ratted on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen … and get even!)

2008 [05] “Iron Man”, the latest big-budget action film based on a Marvel Comics character, debuts in some 4,100 theaters in the US and Canada, raking in $32.5 million on opening day

2011 [02] Osama bin Laden is killed by the US Naval Special Warfare Development Group’s SEAL Team 6 in Abbottabad, Pakistan (inspires the Oscar-nominated film “Zero Dark Thirty)

2007 [06] 1,876 guitarists gather in Wroclaw, Poland to set a new Guinness World Record by simultaneously performing “Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix

1933 [80] “Inverness Courier” reports that a couple claims to have seen “an enormous animal rolling and plunging on the surface” of a local lake, which the newspaper dubs the ‘Loch Ness Monster’

2011 [02] The Conservative Party of Canada is elected to its 1st majority government

2012 [01] A pastel version of “The Scream” by Norwegian painter Edvard Munch sells for $120 million in a NYC auction, setting a new world record for an auctioned work of art

[Fri] Rolling Stones “50 & Counting Tour” North American leg begins (Los Angeles)
[Fri] Beale Street Music Festival begins (Memphis TN)
[Fri] Hug Your Cat Day
[Sat] Free Comic Book Day
[Sat] International Firefighters Day
[Sun] Cinco de Mayo (Mexico)
This Week Is … Correctional Officers Week
This Month Is … Food Drive for Homeless Animals Month


• You’ve broken 7 nails trying to get the lid off the stupid Valium bottle.
• Every time a waiter puts your glass down from the wrong side you fire a warning shot … into his groin.
• The vein in your forehead throbs so violently, it knocks out the lady ahead of you in the supermarket line-up.
• You’ve been kicked off the debating team after one too many ‘F—off’ rebuttals.
• You were shocked to learn that the folks on DIY shows use ‘tools’ to make holes in walls.
• You once cold-cocked Grandma when she burned your French toast.

• May is “National Moving Month”. So how often does the average person change addresses?
a. Every 3rd year.
b. Every 7 years. [CORRECT, according to Allied Van Lines.]
c. 3 times in a lifetime.
d. Every time the rent is due.

• Which animal is most often used for scientific and medical experiments?
a. Mouse [CORRECT, followed by the rat, chick, rabbit, and guinea pig.]
b. Rat
c. Monkey
d. Guinea Pig
– “Fascinating Facts”

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.

Question: 9-out-of-10 women over age 30 never do THIS.
Answer: Exercise outdoors.

Money is like a promise, easier made than kept.

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