Friday, May 2, 2014           Edition: #5215

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

“The Bull Sheet” is on vacation next week (May 5-9). All subscribers are receiving account credits for missed service days. Next “BS” issue is for Monday, May 12th.

★ It’s now confirmed that 52-year-old movie star, eligible bachelor, and commitment-phobe George Clooney is engaged. So just who is this Amal Alamuddin? She’s a 36-year-old Lebanese-British human rights lawyer who speaks French, Arabic, and very posh English, thanks to an Oxford University education. She received her law degree from NYU. Alamuddin was named ‘Hottest Barrister in London’ in 2013. As a human rights lawyer, she served as an advisor to former UN chief Kofi Annan on Syria. Her clients have included WikiLeaks publisher Julian Assange. (People are asking how she ever landed him. Should be other way round.)
★ Jennifer Lawrence tops the ‘2014 Sexiest Women’ list in men’s magazine “FHM”, beating out British beauty Michelle Keegan on the newly-released top 100. Ashton Kutcher’s pregnant fiancée Mila Kunis, who was #1 last year, falls to 6th place, while Rihanna, Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” video co-star Emily Ratajkowski, and “The Big Bang Theory” star Kaley Cuoco complete this year’s top 5. This week on “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC), J-Law revealed she was so drunk at Madonna’s after-Oscars party, she puked on the stairs and Miley Cyrus walked by and told her to “Get it together, girl!” (Embarrassing or endearing for the Teflon star?)
★ And word has it Victoria Beckham, who only deals with the A-list (including royals), has reportedly rejected a request to design Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress. A source says Kim was desperate to wear a VB dress for her  impending nuptials to Kanye West and approached the 40-year-old fashion designer earlier this year. But Beckham is said to have asked her team to inform the reality TV star she’s ‘too busy’, though insiders say she refused because she was concerned about ‘devaluing’ her brand. (Meow.)
– “Daily Star”

• “Arsenio Hall” (syndicated) – Tonight Hit-Boy (“All I Ever Dreamed Of”).
• Beale Street Music Festival (Memphis TN) – Beginning tonight the eclectic lineup for this year’s 3-day fest at Tom Lee Park includes Alabama Shakes, Avenged Sevenfold, Fitz & The Tantrums, Foster the People, Kid Rock, Motorhead, Third Eye Blind and others.
• Carolina Rebellion Festival (Concord NC) – Saturday-Sunday Monster Energy’s 2-day event returns to Charlotte Motor Speedway with Avenged Sevenfold, Five Finger Death Punch, Kid Rock, Rob Zombie, Seether, Staind and more.
• GLAAD Media Awards (NYC) – Saturday at the 25th annual edition Kacey Musgraves becomes the 1st country artist to ever perform, singing “Follow Your Arrow” from her debut album. She’ll be introduced by openly gay country singer Chely Wright.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Cut Copy (“Free Your Mind”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Jason Derulo (“Talk Dirty”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni1) – Tonight The Ghost Of a Saber Tooth Tiger (“Midnight Sun”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Idina Menzel (“Frozen”).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Andrew Garfield (“The Amazing Spider-Man 2”); musical guest Coldplay (“Ghost Stories”, out May 19th).

• Backstreet Boys – Saturday the 2014 leg of their “In a World Like This Tour” gets underway in
Moncton, New Brunswick. After a string of Canadian shows, the trek returns to the US for 23 shows beginning May 22nd in Seattle, Washington.
• Beyoncé – Queen B took home a cool $212 million from her year-long  “Mrs Carter Show” world tour, according to the latest figures from “Billboard” magazine. The tour sold a total of 1.8 million tickets across 126 dates.
• “Frozen” – Once again, the soundtrack to Disney’s hit movie is the top-selling album of the week, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Its total sales now stand at 2.5 million copies.
• Gwen Stefani – She’s now confirmed the poorly-kept secret that she will join “The Voice” (NBC), taking over the judge’s chair from Christina Aguilera for the next season. Stefani appears on the show Monday, performing her hit “Hollaback Girl”.
• Kanye West – His 5-city “Yeezus” tour of Australia was originally scheduled to begin tonight in Perth, but has been postponed until September 5th because he’s ‘busy finishing his next studio album’. (BS translation: He’s getting hitched this month).
• Lady Gaga – Sunday in Ft Lauderdale, Florida she’s getting back on the road with “artRave: The ARTPOP Ball” after it was derailed due to hip surgery earlier this year. The rebooted tour visits cities where dates were postponed plus some new stops through July 21st in LA.
• Mariah Carey – She has announced her new ‘personal’ album will be called “Me. I Am Mariah … The Elusive Chanteuse”. Her 14th studio album with the pretentious title will be released next month.
• New Kids On the Block – The upcoming 8-episode reality show “Rock This Boat: NKOTB” (TV Guide Channel) features the former boy-band (now old-man-band) partying on a cruise ship. It will be preceded by a casting special searching for the band’s biggest fans to bring on the boat.
• Pharrell Williams – He’s revealed that his mega-hit single “Happy” was, at least at one point, intended for Cee Lo Green, who apparently did a pretty good job on it. But Green’s people decided he should stay focused on his own new album.
• Rihanna – Those infamous topless pics for French magazine “Lui” have now been banned from Instagram for breaching nudity rules.

• “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” ( PG-13 Adventure Fantasy ): This 2nd chapter of the rebooted franchise has ‘Peter Parker’ facing off against a slew of super-villains pitted against him by the mysterious company ‘Oscorp’. Co-stars Emma Stone, Jamie Foxx, Paul Giamatti. Sony Pictures has already given the greenlight to 2 additional sequels and a couple spin-off films.
• Opening in limited release: “Belle” (Drama); “ Ida” (Drama); “The Protector 2” (Action); and “Walk of Shame” (Comedy).

✓ Skip the zoom and get closer. The digital zoom on smartphones compromises resolution.
✓ Set resolution to ‘high’. If you have adjustable quality settings, make sure to use the highest.
✓ Turn on the ‘HDR’ mode. It will take 3 shots and produce a blended final image to help you get good highlights, shadows, and midtones.
✓ Use rapid-fire. You don’t want to miss a moment and you can delete the out-takes later.
✓ Be sneaky! Be the silent observer your kids don’t notice and capture unexpected candids.
✓ Get mobile. Explore unusual angles and vantage points to see how they affect your image.
✓ Clean the glass. A smartphone camera lens is a high-traffic area for finger smudges.
✓ Check the background. Take a moment to make sure it isn’t cluttered or chaotic.
✓ Play with apps. Don’t be afraid to experiment with the different effects that photo apps offer.
– Condensed from “Your Child in Pictures: The Parents’ Guide to Photographing Your Toddler and Child from Age 1 to 10”

ADIDAS – From it’s founder, Adolf (Adi) Dassler.
BMW – Bavarian Motor Works.
Canola – Canadian Oil, Low Acid.
IMAX – Image Maximum.
GEICO – Government Employees Insurance Company.
H&M – Hennes (‘hers’ in Swedish) & Mauritz (a hunting apparel retailer the company bought out).
NABISCO – National Biscuit Company.
Q-Tips – The Q stands for quality.
RADAR – Radio Detection And Ranging.
SMART Car – Swatch & Mercedes Art Car.
TASER – Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle.
3M – Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing.
WD-40 – Water Displacement (40th version).
WI-FI – Wireless Fidelity.

Actors Harrison Ford (“Star Wars: Episode VII”) and Tom Hardy (“The Dark Knight Rises”) have helped launch a world record attempt by the elite British military unit the Royal Marines for … ‘World’s Longest Drum Roll’. The marines Corps of Drums are attempting to maintain a continuous beat for 4 days at the famous Tower of London, with each drummer banging away for 15 minutes at a time. If all goes well, they’ll finish up Saturday morning with a new mark to celebrate the 350th anniversary of the respected regiment. (Pass the earplugs, please.)

In 1518 a month-long plague hit Strasbourg, France in which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no apparent reason. Several of them danced themselves to death. The odd phenomenon was known as ‘The Dance Fever’.
– Sourced from


1955 [59] Donatella Versace, Reggio di Calabria, Italy, fashion designer (Vice-President & Chief Designer, Versace Group)/scary plastic surgery victim/sister of late designer Gianni Versace

1972 [42] Dwayne Johnson (‘The Rock’), Hayward CA, movie actor (“Fast & Furious 6”, “Race to Witch Mountain”)/6’-5”, 272-lb WWE wrestler (1996-2004, 2011-13)

1975 [39] David Beckham, London UK, retired soccer star (Paris Saint-Germain, LA Galaxy, Real Madrid, Manchester United)/wed to ex-Spice Girl Victoria Adams in 1999/father to Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz, and Harper Seven

1980 [34] Ellie Kemper, Kansas City MO, TV actress (‘Erin Hannon’ on “The Office” 2009-13)  COMING UP: Stars in the Tina Fey comedy “Tooken”, debuting this Fall.

1985 [29] Lily Allen (Lily Rose Cooper), London UK, pop singer (“Somewhere Only We Know”, “Smile”)  BS FACTOID: Her latest album, out today, is cheesily titled “Sheezus”.

1985 [29] Kyle Busch, Las Vegas NV, NASCAR driver (most wins in all 3 of NASCAR’s national touring series combined with 128)/younger brother of NASCAR driver Kurt Busch

TV sportscaster Greg Gumbel (“The NFL on CBS”) is 68; Country musician John Driskell Hopkins (Zac Brown Band) is 43; TV actress Christina Hendricks (“Mad Men”) is 39; Country singer Eric Church (“Give Me Back My Hometown”) is 37; Dancer Cheryl Burke (“Dancing With the Stars”) is 30.

Rock guitarist Mick Mars (Motley Crue) is 63; Soul-funk singer Sharon Jones (Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings) is 58; Country singer Randy Travis (“Forever & Ever Amen”) is 55; TV actor Will Arnett (“The Millers”) is 44; Rock bassist Mike Dirnt (Green Day) is 42; Ex-pop singer Lance Bass (*NSYNC) is 35; Pop-rock drummer Nate Novarro (Cobra Starship) is 28.

• “Great American Lobster Race”, the 30th running of the world’s only ‘thoroughbred lobster’ derby, in Aiken, South Carolina. The Kentucky Derby spoof-race features live Maine lobsters.
• “International Tuba Day”, observed annually on the 1st Friday of May to celebrate the musical instrument that seems to get no respect, and to recognize tubists around-the-world who struggle with the ‘weight and size of their instrument’.
• “No Pants Day”, a participatory holiday on the 1st Friday in May, when we’re encouraged to leave our pants behind. Usually this means wearing boxers, bloomers, slips, or briefs. (Not to be confused with the annual “No Pants Subway Ride” in January.)
• “Play Your Ukulele Day”, when you’re encouraged to play a ukulele, share your ukulele, and teach someone else how to play. The theme is ‘changing the world 4 strings at a time’.
• “Sibling Appreciation Day”, a day to let brothers & sisters know you care. (Or maybe to add up all the times you got ratted on, your hair pulled, your dessert stolen … and get even!)
• “Wordsmith Day, just one more excuse for miscellaneous merriment. How scintillating yet somehow egregious.

• “Different Colored Shoes Day”, ie: one brown and one black. It’s a day to take a risk and step outside your daily routine. Why not go for the socks, too? Pink and chartreuse?
• “Free Comic Book Day”, the 1st Saturday in May each year, when participating comic book shops around-the-world give away comic books absolutely free to anyone who comes in.
• “Homebrew Day”, saluting the intrepid amateur brewers who make booze in their basement.
• “Kentucky Derby”, the 140th ‘Run For the Roses’ in Louisville, Kentucky. It’s the first jewel in the ‘Triple Crown’ of thoroughbred horseracing in America. Also an excuse for a huge party.
• “Paranormal Day”, a day for all paranormal enthusiasts to get together and share their unique experiences with each other. Seminars and readings are scheduled worldwide.

• “International Firefighters’ Day”, to recognize the efforts of those brave hearts who risk their lives to keep us safe. And who women consistently pick in polls as ‘Sexiest Profession’.
• “Respect For Chickens Day”, promoting compassionate and respectful treatment of domestic fowl. Advocacy group United Poultry Concerns argues that we should celebrate the beauty and dignity of chickens and protest the bleakness of their lives in farming operations.
• “Star Wars Day” … May the 4th be with you!
• “World Laughter Day”, initiated on the 1st Sunday of May by practitioners of ‘laughter yoga’. The movement begun by Indian physician Madan Kataria in 1995 now has over 6,000 clubs in 65 countries. The idea is that 20 minutes of laughter per day promotes overall wellness.

2004 [10] On the cover of “TV Guide”: “So Long, Friends 1994-2004” (the entire cast of the long-running sitcom is featured inside)

2009 [05] Bob Dylan takes a day off from his European tour and, along with 13 other tourists, takes a bus trip to visit John Lennon’s childhood home in Liverpool UK (he is not recognized)

2008 [06] “Iron Man”, the latest big-budget action film based on a Marvel Comics character, debuts in some 4,100 theaters in the US and Canada, raking in $32.5 million on opening day

2012 [02] A pastel version of “The Scream” by Norwegian painter Edvard Munch sells for $120 million in a NYC auction, setting a new world record for an auctioned work of art

[Mon] Cartoonists Day
[Mon] Cinco de Mayo
[Mon] International Midwives Day
[Mon] Melanoma Monday
[Mon] Ferret Day
This Week Is … Correctional Officers Week
This Month Is … Food Drive for Homeless Animals Month


✓ “Batman” movies.
✓ China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre.
✓ The Cranberries.
✓ GPS.
✓ Lexus cars.
✓ Microsoft ‘Office’.
✓ Sega Genesis and Nintendo Game Boy videogames.
✓ Text Messaging.
✓ TV shows “Baywatch”, “Family Matters”, “Saved By the Bell”, “Seinfeld”, “The Simpsons”.
✓ The World Wide Web.
– Google Newsstand

And here’s today’s grammar humor: A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

☎ What have you tried just one time before giving it up forever? (#1 answer in a related poll is rollerblading, followed by golf.)

What if you were applying for a job only to find it had no vacations, required constant crisis management, unlimited hours, and a background in finance, medicine, and culinary arts? And the salary was $0? Watch each of these applicants grapple with the insanity of the demands of this hypothetical job. And then watch them ‘get it’ – the job is ‘mother’ (perhaps they should have read backwards?).

Question: 25 million bottles of THIS were sold annually from the 1960s until the 1990s, but nowadays you rarely ever see the stuff.
Answer: Correction fluid, aka ‘liquid paper’.

We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions.

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