Friday, May 20, 2011        Edition: #4510
Another Sheetload of Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Actor Ashton Kutcher is said to be getting $700,000 per episode plus incentives to take over for Charlie Sheen on CBS-TV’s “Two-and-a-Half Men” (less than half of what Sheen was getting but his best payday ever) . . . Warren Easton Charter High School, the New Orleans LA school that actress Sandra Bullock ‘adopted’ after it was devastated by Hurricane Katrina now boasts a 100% graduation rate (seems the hundreds-of-thousands she’s pumped in have paid off – she should run for school board!) . . . Actor Jeff Daniels is set to star in a new Aaron Sorkin drama series for HBO tentatively titled “More As the Story Develops”, which revolves around the co-anchors of a cable news show (Olivia Munn has a role as the ‘sexy financial analyst’) . . . Records show that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria and Patty Baena, the mother of his love child, were both pregnant with his children at the same time, both giving birth to boys who are now 13-years-old (this is known as parallel construction) . . . Movie actor Michael Sheen (“Frost/Nixon”) has confirmed he’s been dating actress Rachel McAdams (“Sherlock Holmes”) since they met on the set of Woody Allen’s “Midnight in Paris” last Summer, revealing they bonded while enjoying the sights of Paris after filming wrapped (Quote: “She’s the most wonderful person I know”) . . . Actress Penelope Cruz (“Pirates Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”) says she wants to ‘slap’ women who worry about getting old (easy to say when you’re 37 and gorgeous) . . . And the woman who recently appeared on “Good Morning America” (ABC) claiming she’d injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox now swears under oath that it was all made up by British tabloid “The Sun”, which paid her a couple-hundred bucks and provided her with the story, instructions, and even a script to follow (it would seem to be the truth as child welfare officials have now returned her daughter after she was examined at the UCLA Medical Center).

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Billboard Music Awards” (ABC) – Sunday actor Ken Jeong (“Community”) hosts live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas as music artists are honored for sales, airplay, touring, and social networking. Performers include Black Eyed Peas, Cee Lo Green, Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban, Ke$ha, Lady Antebellum, Pitbull, and Rihanna. Beyoncé receives the ‘Millennium Award’  for musical influence; Neil Diamond wins the ‘2011 Billboard Icon Award’ for career achievement.
NET: http://www.billboard.com/features/billboard-1005122862.story
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Bruce Cockburn (“Small Source of Comfort”); Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings (“I Learned the Hard Way”).
• Hangout Music Festival (Gulf Shores AL) – Tonight-Sunday performers include the Black Keys, Cee-Lo Green, Foo Fighters, My Morning Jacket, Paul Simon, Widespread Panic and more.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Fleet Foxes (“Helplessness Blues”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Tonight Airborne Toxic Event (“All at Once”).
• Rock On the Range (Columbus OH) – Saturday-Sunday A Perfect Circle, Avenged Sevenfold, Disturbed, KoRn, and Staind headline the 5th annual mega-concert.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Justin Timberlake (“Bad Teacher”, out June 24th) hosts the season finalé; musical guest Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Tonight Moby (“Destroyed”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Italian boy-band Il Volo.

TV SEASON FINALÉS:
TONIGHT –
• “Kitchen Nightmares” (FOX)
• “Supernatural” (CW)
SUNDAY –
• “American Dad” (FOX)
• “Celebrity Apprentice” (NBC)
• “Family Guy” (FOX)
• “The Simpsons” (FOX)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – In his new memoir, “Does the Noise in My Head Bother You?”, Steven Tyler reveals that, in addition to 2 ex-wives and hundreds of groupies, he once had a same-sex fling … but didn’t enjoy it.
• Dierks Bentley – Saturday he performs a pre-race concert for the 2011 NASCAR Sprint All-Star Race at Charlotte Motor Speedway in Concord NC. Sunday he takes his “Miles & Music for Kids” charity motorcycle ride to Columbus OH. The post-ride concert also features Joe Nichols, Josh Thompson, Miss Willie Brown, and Uncle Kracker.
• Kelly Clarkson – In a posting on Facebook, she promises fans that her new single will be coming in July. It’s from a new album that will follow later in the year.
• Panic! At the Disco – Sunday they kick off a North American tour at the House of Blues in Boston MA.
• REM – Frontman Michael Stipe tells “NY Post” that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain was a really close friend but they never slept together as has been rumored. Quote: “Kurt was a really sweet man, and we never had sex. All right? There’s your exclusive.”
• Stone Temple Pilots – In his new memoir “Not Dead & Not for Sale”, Scott Weiland reveals he was raped by a high school senior when was just 12-years-old. He says he suppressed the memory until a few years ago when he was in rehab therapy.
• Taylor Swift – Saturday she uses her final dress rehearsal for the North American leg of her “2011 Speak Now Tour” to raise funds for tornado relief in the US South. The performance, titled “Speak Now … Help Now!”, takes place at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville TN.
• Toby Keith – Today & tomorrow he’s hosting the 8th annual “Toby Keith & Friends Golf Classic” in Norman OK. Proceeds benefit families of children with life-threatening illnesses.
• The Who – Pete Townshend will finally publish his memoir which he’s been working on since the 1990s in 2012. According to “Rolling Stone”, the book will be titled “Who He?”.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Midnight in Paris” (Limited Release PG-13 Fantasy Comedy ): In director Woody Allen’s latest, Owen Wilson plays a blocked writer who is drawn into a mysterious adventure in Paris after leaving his fiancée (Rachel McAdams). Heavyweight supporting cast includes Oscar-winners Marion Cotillard, Adrien Brody, and Kathy Bates, plus France’s first lady Carla Bruni.
NET: http://www.sonyclassics.com/midnightinparis/
• “Pirates Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” ( PG-13 Adventure ): Setting sail for the first time since 2007’s “At World’s End”, Johnny Depp & crew (including newcomer Penelope Cruz as an old flame) are looking to add to the $2.68-billion booty taken in by the trilogy. Orlando Bloom & Keira Knightley have walked the plank, so ‘Captain Jack’ has new friends and foes.
NET: http://disney.go.com/pirates/

ANCIENT SPORTS THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK:
• ‘Fisherman’s Joust’ – A big draw in old Egypt in which 8 guys would hop into fishing boats, row out into the Nile, and then use their oars to beat the ever-loving crap out of each other. If you died, you lost. As a bonus, the profusion of blood was sure to attract famished crocodiles.
• ‘Naumachia’ – Ancient Romans played a life-size version of ‘Battleship’ by filling an amphitheater with water, throwing in actual ships, and watching them re-enact famous naval battles. Participants numbered into the thousands, nearly as large as the real battles.
• ‘Pankration’ – A brutal sport favored by ancient Greeks which was basically the first mixed-martial arts competition. The idea was to get as close as you could to killing an opponent without actually killing him, using an arsenal of strikes, takedowns, grapples, chokeholds, etc.
• ‘Pitz’ – An ancient Mayan game a lot like volleyball, except the ball involved was 9 lbs of solid rubber. Either team could score an instant win by getting the ball through an impossibly-high sideways-basketball-hoop. For the winners, a post-game party; for the losers … beheadings.
• ‘Skin-Pulling’ –  A version of tug-of-war played by Vikings over a fiery pit for the spoils of the town they had just ransacked, which included exclusive rights to all the women. The winners got the plunder … the losers got burned to death.
• ‘Venatio’ – This favorite pastime of the Romans pitted one sorry slave vs 20 elephants suffering from extreme separation anxiety. The Romans, fueled by their hatred of Hannibal, played this game so frequently that they drove the North African elephant to extinction.
– Condensed from Cracked.com

MOST POWERFUL CELEBS 2011:
The cream of the crop from the just-released annual ‘Celebrity 100’ ranking, based on earnings, media coverage, and overall influence …
5. Elton John – Grossed $204 million performing 102 live shows in the past 12 months, yet still had time for family.
4. U2 – “360 Tour” has sold $700 million-worth of tickets and played to over 7 million people.
3. Justin Bieber – $53 million from concerts, music sales, and a 3-D documentary; 500 million views on YouTube.
2. Oprah Winfrey – $290 million in earnings last year; a new focus on her OWN TV network.
1. Lady Gaga – $90-million “Monster” tour; 32 million Facebook fans; 9.5 million Twitter followers.
– Forbes.com

SEND OUT THE CLOWNS:
Yesterday at the McDonald’s Corporation annual meeting, a group called Corporate Accountability International asked that ‘Ronald McDonald’ be retired after 48 years as the face of the chain. Why? They say the world’s most famous clown encourages kids to eat junk food. Aside from that, it may just be time for the fast-food giant to look at a new option as ad tracking firm Ace Metrix reports the spokes-clown has fallen flat in new ads. Asked to give their impressions of ‘Ronald’ in a recent survey, many respondents describe him as … ‘creepy’.
– Associated Press

DID YOU KNOW?
• Overall viewership of “Conan” has dipped below TBS expectations. On the other hand, the median age of Conan O’Brien’s viewers is 32, 16 years younger than his late night rivals.
– Jam! Showbiz
• The annual gross of the beauty pageant industry in the US is $5 billion. Most pageants are created by for-profit organizations that make their own rules on local, state, and national levels.
– TTP

BS CHRONOMETER 05.20.11

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [67] Joe Cocker, Sheffield UK, oldies singer (“You Are So Beautiful”, “With a Little Help From My Friends”)/movie actor (“Across the Universe”)

1946 [65] Cher (Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPierre), El Centro CA, Las Vegas attraction (“Cher At the Colosseum”)/pop singer (“Believe”, Sonny & Cher-“I Got You Babe”)/movie actress (“Burlesque”, Oscar-“Moonstruck”)

1949 [62] Dave Thomas, St Catharines ON, TV actor (“Bob & Doug” 2009, “SCTV” 1976-82)/movie actor (“Rat Race”, “Strange Brew”)

1972 [39] Busta Rhymes (Trevor Smith Jr), Brooklyn NY, rapper (“Touch It”, Pussycat Dolls f/Busta Rhymes–“Don’t Cha”)

SATURDAY –
TV actress Lisa Edelstein (“House MD”) is 45; Rock singer/guitarist Adam Gontier (Three Days Grace) is 33.

SUNDAY –
Songwriter Bernie Taupin (Elton John) is 61; Alt-rock singer Morrissey (“All You Need Is Me”) is 52; Country musician Dana Williams (Diamond Rio) is 50; TV actor Mark Christopher Lawrence (“Chuck”) is 47; Fashion model Naomi Campbell is 41; TV actress Anna Belknap (“CSI: NY”) is 39.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Be A Millionaire Day”, a celebration of the joys of achieving millionaire status. Here’s how you go about it: First, get a whole bunch of money …
• “Bike-to-Work Day”, the 17th annual observed on the 3rd Friday of May as a highlight of “National Bike Month”. It’s promoted as a solution to several of today’s problems, including obesity, traffic congestion, and air pollution. Surveys suggest the biggest reason commuters refuse to try biking is fear of … body odor.
• “Eliza Doolittle Day”, a day named in honor of the lead character in the famous musical “My Fair Lady”. The occasion is inspired by a couplet from the song “Just You Wait”: ‘Next week on the 20th of May/I proclaim Eliza Doolittle Day’. Participants are encouraged to mark the day by making proper use of language.
• “Endangered Species Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Friday of May to encourage us to learn about the importance of protecting animals that are on the edge of extinction.
NET: http://www.stopextinction.org/esd.html
• “NASCAR Day”, a one-day annual celebration of the NASCAR spirit and its fans on the 3rd Friday of May, on which a variety of events are staged to raise funds for NASCAR Foundation charitable initiatives.
• “Weights & Measures Day”, in celebration of the 1875 treaty that established the International Bureau of Weights & Measures, thereby standardizing values. That means you’re just as fat in Pago Pago as you are here at home.

SATURDAY –
• “Preakness Stakes” at Pimlico Race Course in Baltimore MD, the 136th running of the 2nd jewel in the Triple Crown of thoroughbred horse racing.
NET: http://www.preakness.com
• “US Armed Forces Day”, celebrated since 1949 on the 3rd Saturday of May to salute Americans serving in the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard.
• “Wait Staff Day”, set aside for restaurant managers and patrons to show appreciation for the efforts of servers. What we wanna know is how restaurant owners get away with paying minimal wages and then expect customers to supplement servers’ incomes.

SUNDAY –
• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. But respect your neighbors … don’t make it drums!
• “Maritime Day”, an annual observance to recognize the maritime industry. (Har, hoist that bilge, matey!)

MONDAY –
• “Victoria Day”, a uniquely Canadian holiday commemorating the birth of Britain’s longest-reigning monarch, Queen Victoria on May 24, 1819. The holiday originated in 1901 after her death, as a memorial day for her role in Confederation & other national milestones. Along with “Canada Day”, it’s the only Canadian holiday that’s not celebrated elsewhere.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1986 [25] “Daily Variety” reports that Ted Turner is planning to ‘colorize’ MGM’s inventory of black & white movies

1993 [18] To celebrate the 274th and final episode of TV’s “Cheers”, Jay Leno does the “Tonight Show” live from the Bull & Finch bar (ironically, most of the cast seems to be drunk)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [13] Rocker Tommy Lee is sentenced to 6 months in prison after pleading no contest to abusing then-wife Pamela Anderson

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874 [137] Levi Strauss & Co 1st markets ‘Blue Jeans with Copper Rivets’ ($13.50 per dozen)

1990 [21] Hubble telescope sends back its 1st photos from Space

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] Victoria Day (Canada)
[Mon] Lady Gaga releases “Born This Way” album
[Mon] Brad Paisley releases “This Is Country Music” album
[Tues] “Glee” Season 2 finalé (FOX)
[Tues] “American Idol” final performance show (FOX)
[Wed] Oprah Winfrey’s show finalé (syndicated)
[Wed] “American Idol” season finalé (FOX)
This Week Is … International Reggae Music Week
This Month Is … Osteoporosis Prevention Month

BULL’S BITS

BS THINGS RARELY OVERHEARD DURING A MARATHON:
• “You mean this isn’t the Running Of the Bulls?”
• “Don’t look now but runner #32582 just stepped in it.”
• “These wooden shoes were funny for the first half-mile.”
• “Crap … no one move … lost a contact!”
• “Taxi, finish line … and step on it!”
• “14,728 steps. 14,729 steps. 14,730 steps …
• “Um … why is there traffic coming towards us?”
• “Are we there yet?”
• “I run 26 freakin’ miles and all I get is a lousy T-shirt?”

BS PHONE STARTER:
Who’s the best husband-wife music couple of all-time? Acting couple?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
• The difference between the US Senate and the Canadian Senate is in the US, you have to win an election to get in. In Canada, you have to lose one.
• Does ‘MP’ stand for ‘Magnificent Pension’?
• You know the lake water is dirty when you see a turtle riding a duck.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you’re average, you’ll spend about 2 weeks of your lifetime doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Kissing. [15 days to be exact.]

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing looks as good close-up as it does from far away.


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