Wednesday, May 22, 2013        Edition: #4990

Accept No Substitutes, Ask For 100% Pure BS!

✳ Last week aging Brit pop star George Michael was airlifted to hospital with cuts and bruises after a road accident north of London. Police have launched a probe into the incident but details of how he came to be injured have not been revealed. But now an eyewitness has come forward to suggest the 49-year-old fell from the open door of a vehicle as it sped along the M-1 motorway at 70 mph (112 km/hr). That’s done more to add mystery to the incident than clarify it. (Did someone say “Time to hit the road”?)
– “The Sun”
✳ Actor Zach Galifianakis’ date for this week’s premiere of “The Hangover III” (opening tomorrow), was 87-year-old Mimi Haist. This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, as the movie star first met the former homeless woman at a laundromat in 1994. For 20 years now, the pair have been friends. During that time Galifianakis has been paying the rent on her 1-bedroom apartment and he’s taken her to many glitzy events. (He just became a whole lot more likeable.)
– “New York Daily News”
✳ NBC-TV has now confirmed that both Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo Green will return to “The Voice” for its upcoming 5th season in the Fall. Aguilera and Cee-Lo will swap out once again with Shakira and Usher for the 6th cycle of the singing show in early 2014. Adam Levine and Blake Shelton remain onboard throughout both seasons. (Presumably they got the BIG bucks.)
✳ Lindsay Lohan, currently in rehab, filed a $1.1-million suit against fashion house DNAM Apparel in March, claiming she was cheated out of profits when a 2009 business deal fell apart. But now DNAM has hit back, alleging Lohan’s ‘drug-addled image’ and legal problems made it impossible for them to sell her ‘6126 Collection’. In a countersuit, they’re demanding at least $5 million in damages. (Might as well make it a billion … because you’re never going to see it.)
✳ And a gruff-looking Rob Pattinson has been spotted packing his belongings, including his dogs ‘Bear’ and ‘Bernie’, and leaving the home of sometime girlfriend Kristen Stewart. So it seems the on-off couple have apparently split again after 4 years of (sorta) being together. Suitcases, a bike, and several trash bags full of his stuff were spotted in the back of the pickup. An insider says: “He looked like a man who had just been kicked out.” (Perhaps even she became sick of hearing about them?)

• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – The National (“Trouble Will Find Me”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – 30 Seconds to Mars (“Love Lust Faith + Dreams”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Ludacris (“Fast & Furious 6”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Darius Rucker (“True Believers”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Coup (“Sorry to Bother You”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Bobby McFerrin (“spirityouall”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – John Fogerty w/Dawes (“Wrote a Song For Everyone”, out May 28th).
• “Masterchef” (FOX) – Home cooks present dishes to the judges in the 4th season debut.
• Primavera Music Festival (Barcelona, Spain) – This major 5-day event gets underway today, with a lineup that includes Blur, Grizzly Bear, Hot Chip, Phoenix, The Postal Service, and many more. The festival is slated to run through Sunday.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – The Lone Bellow (“The Lone Bellow”).
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Bret Michaels (“Custom Built”).

• “Criminal Minds” (CBS/CTV).
• “Law & Order: SVU” (NBC).
• “The Middle” (ABC/CityTV).
• “Modern Family” (ABC/CityTV).
• “Nashville” (ABC/CTV2).

• The Doors – This week keyboard player and founding member Ray Manzarek has died of cancer at age 74 at the RoMed Clinic in Rosenheim, Germany.
• Ed Sheeran – The British singer-songwriter tells “Billboard” that his sophomore album is essentially done and will be out in early 2014.
• Kendrick Lamar – Tonight his “Good Kid, MAAD City World Tour” kicks off in Las Vegas. The trek spans 16 North American dates, 30 festivals, and more than a dozen European countries plus Japan. It wraps August 23rd in Paris.
• Madonna – She’s joined the line-up for “The Sound Of Change Live”, the Gucci-backed concert spectacular that will hit London’s Twickenham Stadium June 1st. She will not perform but will be a co-host. Performers include Beyoncé, Florence + The Machine, Jennifer Lopez.
• Steve Martin & The Steep Canyon Rangers f/Edie Brickell – Their North American tour in support of the new album “Love Has Come For You” starts tonight in Fort Myers, Florida.
• Toby Keith – He’s voiced support for his hometown of Moore, Oklahoma, which was hit by a monster tornado Monday afternoon, killing at least 50 people. Katy Perry, Pitbull, and Kristen Bell are among other stars who have urged fans to dig deep for victims of the tragedy.

Imagine a time when every kitchen has a 3-D printer, and Earth’s 12 billion people feed themselves customized, nutritionally-appropriate meals, synthesized one layer at a time from cartridges of powder and oils they buy at the corner grocery store. 3D printed food … that’s what many futurists see as the most-likely-to-succeed plan to end world hunger. (Our food is already fake anyways.)
– “Quartz”

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 20% of moms admit they have regrets about the name they chose for their child.
• 20% of single men haven’t cooked a meal for an entire year.
• 20% of guys have kissed the boss’ butt when what they really wanted to do was kick it.
• 20% of North American homes do not have a washing machine
• 20% of office employees say the temperature in their workplace makes it hard to do their job.

Transit officials in Prague say the Czech capital’s trains will soon offer cars geared exclusively to … singles seeking someone special. Ropid Transit reps says details are still being worked out, but the idea is for singles to meet without having to sacrifice the time demanded by their jobs. Polls are now being conducted to determine interested age groups and best times to operate the service. A spokesperson says: “In the metro you can already read and learn, so why not find a partner?” (Will there be dancing?)

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Facebook Facelift’ – Cosmetic surgery designed to improve how a person looks in photos posted to social networking sites. Cosmetic surgeons say an increasing number of young people are asking for cosmetic surgery so that their profile pictures look perfect.
✓ ‘Word-of-Post’ – A new marketing term for something spread via online posts, the modern version of ‘word-of-mouth’. (For example, thanks to W.O.P., the term ‘Grey’ is now more closely associated with “Fifty Shades of Grey” than Grey Goose or Heather Grey Sweaters.)
✓ ‘Techno-Fundamentalism’ – The unquestioning embracing of technology, believing that it holds the answers to all of life’s problems. (“Sure I’ll help you move your furniture. Let me look up an app.”)

What’s the acceptable amount of physical contact on a first date? Highlights of a new survey of singles on that topic …
• 86% say it’s OK to hold hands on a first date.
• 73% believe it’s alright to kiss.
• 66% approve of cuddling on the first date.
• Just 22% think it’s appropriate to have sex.
(Slightly more than approve of divorce.)

Tesla Motors’ Model S electric car is currently a hot item, selling well and being lavished with critical praise. “Motor Trend” and “Automobile” magazines have named it ‘Car Of the Year’ and “Consumer Reports” calls it the best car they’ve ever tested. As well as being a ‘green’ alternative vehicle, the Tesla is different in other ways …
– Tesla Motors sells its cars to independent distributors who, in turn, sell them to the public.
– Tesla showrooms, owned by the company, are mostly in shopping malls with only enough cars for display and test drives.
– There’s no haggling. Every Tesla car sells at full sticker price.
– Service on the cars is performed at separate garages, also owned by Tesla Motors.
(Needless to say, traditional car dealers are ticked!)
– CNN Money

The ‘Internet of Things’ is shaping up to be the buzz phrase of the year as more and more of our machines are becoming ‘smart’ via hi-tech. It’s said to be the next evolutionary step in our connected world – the promise that every machine in your environment will be talking to one other and acting intelligently without much in the way of human intervention. But as history has shown, a smarter gadget doesn’t necessarily mean an easier life. It’s already debatable whether smartphones and other electronic gadgetry are providing less stress and more leisure time. (In the future you may romanticize the simpler days … before your toaster became besties with your electric toothbrush.)

Doris Long of Hayling Island, England holds the world record for ‘Oldest Person to Rappel’. Since completing her 1st rappel at age 85, she has performed a total of 8 descents to raise funds for a local hospice. Last week, the great-great-grandmother, also known as ‘Daring Doris’, rappeled down Portsmouth University’s 35-meter-high (115-ft) Mercantile House to celebrate … her 99th birthday.
– BBC News

• Two types of fish, grouper and coral trout, have been shown to use gestures, or sign language, to help one another hunt. (“Follow my fin … that shiny thing’s a lure!”)
• BBC has found that, on average, 2012-13 Premier League champion Manchester United gets an extra 79 seconds ‘stoppage time’ when they are losing at home than when they are winning. (Refs on their payroll?)


1950 [63] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford UK, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-“Candle In the Wind”, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”)

1959 [54] (Steven) Morrissey, Manchester UK, alt-rock singer (“All You Need Is Me”, ex-The Smiths-“This Charming Man”) whose 2013 tour was cancelled due to health issues

1961 [52] Dana Williams, Dayton OH, country singer-musician (Diamond Rio-“Beautiful Mess”, “I Believe”)

1970 [43] Naomi Campbell, London UK, fashion model/ex-con involved in numerous attacks on her personal staff

1978 [35] Ginnifer Goodwin, Memphis TN, TV actress (‘Mary Margaret Blanchard/Snow White’ on “Once Upon a Time” since 2011)

• “Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day”. But respect your neighbors … don’t make it drums!

• “Canadian Immigrants Day”, to celebrate and recognize the contributions made by immigrants to Canada and to discuss Canadian immigration policy and multiculturalism. If you go back far enough, we’re all immigrants.

• “Find Your Soul-Mate Day”, You never know where you might find your soul-mate but it definitely won’t be sitting around in house or apartment. So join a singles group, explore an online dating service, or join a club where you might find someone with common interests.

• “International Day for Biological Diversity”, created by the UN to increase understanding and awareness of biodiversity issues.

• “Maritime Day”, an annual observance to recognize the maritime industry. Har, hoist that bilge, matey!

2008 [05] “Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull” opens in movie theaters

1893 [120] Montréal Amateur Athletic Association (AAAs) becomes the 1st hockey team presented with the ‘Stanley Cup’, a silver bowl donated by Lord Stanley of Preston

2003 [10] Golfer Annika Sorenstam becomes 1st woman to play in a PGA men’s tour event in 58 years (Fort Worth, Texas)

2012 [01] Japan’s Tokyo Skytree is opened to the public, the tallest tower in the world (634 m/2,080 ft) and the 2nd-tallest structure after the Burj Khalifa (829.8 m/2,722 ft)

[Thurs] Taffy Day
[Thurs] World Turtle Day
[Sat] Full ‘Flower’ Moon
[Sun] Indy 500 (Indianapolis)
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
This Week Is … Safe Boating Week
This Month Is … Physical Fitness & Sports Month


Hey kids, now’s the time you should be lining up employment for this Summer. But when looking for ways to earn some cash, try to avoid these …
• Assistant in Charge of Applying Sunblock to Zach Galifianakis.
• Life Coach for Lindsay Lohan.
• Lollapalooza Portable Toilet Cleaner.
• Comb-over Detangler for Donald Trump.
• Department of Highways Roadkill Taster.
• Satellite Dish Sales Rep, Amish Country.
• Fact Checker.
• Sidewalk Santa.
• Lifeguard, Nude Seniors’ Beach.
• Intern … anywhere.

☎ Some call beans the ‘musical fruit’. Which food do you think makes a person the gassiest?

121 years ago today (1892), which container was invented that was initially filled with a wide variety of flavors, including peanut butter, iced tea, and whisky?
a. Steel drum.
b. Tin can.
c. Toothpaste tube. [CORRECT]

Crime does NOT pay … as well as politics. Ask any Senator.

Question: The average 45-year-old has owned about 1,300 of THESE.
Answer: Pairs of socks.

There’s no point in burying the hatchet if you’re going to put a marker on the site.

Printer Friendly Version