Thursday, May 23, 2013        Edition: #4991

Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

✳ Hollywood power couple Ellen Degeneres & Portia De Rossi, who wed in 2008, have just purchased a $26.5-million, 13-acre California property in Montecito. The 6-bedroom, 6-bath mansion is said to have one of the best vistas in the state, boasting a pool with an ocean view. The estate is the latest addition to talk-show host Ellen’s property portfolio, which includes several other homes around Los Angeles. (She’s quietly becoming an Oprah-sized mogul.)
✳ In a new interview,  35-year-old “Mad Men” actress January Jones (‘Betty Draper’) confirms she ate her placenta after her son Xander’s birth to stave off postpartum depression. Quote: “It was like taking a vitamin blended into a smoothie.” As to who the lad’s father is, Jones is still refusing to comment. “That’s my son’s business,” she says. “It’s not the public’s business.” (She might be even scarier off-screen than on the show.)
– “New York Times”
✳ After nearly 6 decades in the biz, 80-year-old comedian/actress Carol Burnett will become the 16th honoree of the Kennedy Center’s ‘Mark Twain Prize for American Humor’. After a long and diverse career in comedy, most notably starring in the variety program “The Carol Burnett Show”, she is the first woman to win both a Kennedy Center Honor (in 2003) and the Mark Twain award. She’ll be honored at a gala October 20th. (Does her comedy still stand up or does it just seem corny?)
– “Washington Post”
✳ Covergirl has announced a unique deal to release a makeup line inspired by the upcoming film “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”. The cosmetics brand’s new range will be called the ‘Capitol Collection’. It’s not yet known exactly what beauty products the line will include, but residents of the fictitious ‘Capitol’ in the sci-fi series are known for their bright, bold, and eccentric makeup. (The sequel film, starring Jennifer Lawrence, is due November 22nd.)
✳ And in a new interview for the June/July issue of “Esquire”, Brad Pitt admits that he damaged himself with drugs and lived a drifter life until about a decade ago, when he found true happiness with Angelina Jolie and their close-knit family. Quote: “I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity.” (We’re guessing some are going to translate that as referring to his marriage to Jennifer Aniston.)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – The Mowgli’s (“Love’s Not Dead”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Michael Bolton (“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Men (“New Moon”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Boz Scaggs (“Memphis”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Jake Bugg (“Jake Bugg”). Rerun.
• “Michael Jackson ONE” (Las Vegas) – Opening of a new Cirque du Soleil show at the Mandalay Bay resort that’s inspired by Jackson’s music. The family cashes in again!
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Shout Out Louds (“Optica”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) –  John Fogerty (“Wrote a Song For Everyone”, out May 28th).

• Amy Winehouse – The Amy Winehouse Foundation has raised nearly £1.9 million ($2.8 million) in just 1 year, thanks to her father Mitch Winehouse’s book about her and her posthumous album “Lioness: Hidden Treasures”. The charity benefits homeless young people and those with substance abuse issues.
• Blake Shelton – The Oklahoma native is organizing a benefit concert for victims of the tornado that ravaged his home state. He tells, “We’ll know more about it in the next 24 hours. I’m hoping it will raise a lot of money. Obviously it will be televised and will happen really quickly.”
• Bon Jovi – Commenting in London’s “Evening Standard” about Justin Bieber’s recent tardiness in showing up for performances, Jon Bon Jovi says: “It’s really not cool. You’re an a–hole. Go to f—in’ work!”
• Jay Z – Roc Nation Sports, his new athlete management company, has surprised its first client, women’s basketball star Skylar Diggins, with a white Mercedes decorated with a red bow. Diggins just graduated from the University of Notre Dame with a business degree.
• Ke$ha – She’s facing a backlash from the Parents Television Council after footage of her drinking her own urine was shown on the MTV special “Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life” that aired Tuesday. The PTC is fuming over the ‘disgusting, vile’ stunt. (The forgot ‘dumb’.)
• One Direction – A book about them is set to hit shelves later this year. It will be titled “Where We Are: Our Band, Our Story” and will focus on their meteoric rise to fame across the globe over the past 18 months.
• Prince – He’s signed a new record deal that will allow Kobalt Music Group to market and distribute his future work without him losing control of the rights. He’ll also have the opportunity to provide artist development and recording services for Kobalt’s newly-signed artists.

“The Hangover Part III” ( R-Rated Comedy ): Stars Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis are all back for one last outing by ‘The Wolfpack’. This time, there’s no wedding; no bachelor party. In the aftermath of the death of his father, the guys decide to take ‘Alan’ to get treated for his mental issues. What could possibly go wrong?

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Colour” – Peter Webber (“The Girl With the Pearl Earring”) will direct this adaptation of English author Rose Tremain’s epic novel. Set during the New Zealand gold rush of the 1860s, the story charts the ups and downs of newly married immigrants who set out to make their fortune. The film shoots on New Zealand’s South Island in 2014. No casting announced as yet.
• “Endless Love” – In this romantic drama remake, Alex Pettyfer (“Magic Mike”) & Gabrielle Wilde (“The Three Musketeers”) take on the roles made famous by Martin Hewett & Brooke Shields in the 1981 Franco Zeffierlli-directed original. The story follows a couple whose intense relationship becomes dangerous. The film will be released in time for Valentines Day 2014.
• “Narc” – Zac Efron is attached to star in this true-life crime thriller that centers on a successful college student who’s busted for cocaine. The police offer him a deal in which he avoids arrest if he becomes an undercover informant. The student ends up living a secret double life, wearing wiretaps and eventually putting away big-time criminals.
• “Summer Crossing” – Scarlett Johansson will finally start production on her directorial debut next year when she turns this early Truman Capote novel into a movie. The actress signed on to direct the project in 2011, and promptly began working with a screenwriter to adapt the story for the bigscreen.
• “Travis McGee” – Leonardo DiCaprio is developing this adaptation of the 1964 John D MacDonald book “The Deep Blue Good-by”. The mystery novel was the first of a 21-book series focusing on the ‘Travis McGee’ character , a self-described ‘salvage consultant’ who recovers property for its rightful owners. It’s as yet unconfirmed if DiCaprio will star in the film.

Want to do something different for Summer vacation? How about CIA school? At Covert Ops Camp, you’ll learn things like self-defense and how to shoot a gun from a moving car. Held at a secret location in Florida, it culminates with a mock hostage rescue. (Actually, they just throw you out on the mean streets of Miami during a typical night.)

Scientists scanning the human brain can now tell who a person is thinking about. It’s the first time they’ve been able to identify what people are imagining using imaging technology. Efforts to visualize human thought are becoming increasingly successful. Recently, scientists used brain scans to decode imagery such as what number a person has just seen or what personal memory they are recalling. (This is going to lead to big trouble in relationships!)
– “Scientific American”

Things your shouldn’t blurt out to someone who’s just broken up, according to NYC-based author Julie Klausner …
✗ “I never liked him [her] anyway.”
✗ “Ultimately, this is going to be a good thing for you.”
✗ “Now you can concentrate on your career.”
✗ “What you need is a girls’ [guy’s] night out!”
✗ “You can do so much better!”
✗ “Now’s the time to learn a new language!”
✗ “What the heck did you do?”
What to say? How about “Breakups are the worst thing in the world. I’m sending you a care package of cool, distracting stuff and I’m on standby for whenever you want to hang out.” (Perf!)

We’ve seen everything from headvertising to assvertising, thighvertising, dogvertising to having our homes painted in the name of advertising. So why not sell your beard? ‘The Beardboard’ (patent pending) clips on to your epic hipster beard, and makes you 5 bucks-a-day while you wear it. The brainchild of Cornett-IMS, the wacky idea maybe most effective in selling the ad agency more than anything else. (Now you can advertise A&W Root Beer while drinking it, both with a Beardboard and all that foam dribbling down your whiskers. Mmm!)

A new joint study entitled “Teens, Social Media, and Privacy” by the Pew Research Center and the Berkman Center for Internet & Society confirms what anecdotal evidence has suggested for some time now: Facebook is falling out of favor with teenagers. A few reasons why …
✗ They dislike the increasing number of adults on the site.
✗ They get annoyed when their Facebook friends share inane details.
✗ Facebook so closely mirrors their offline world that they no longer feel ‘free’ on the site.
✗ They are drained by the ‘drama’ they describe as happening frequently on Facebook and the stress of needing to manage their reputation.
Overall, it seems that Facebook has simply become another exhausting extension of teens’ everyday lives. (What did you do with all your time before Facebook?)

The 76-year-old meat product originally known as Hormel Spiced Ham changed its name to SPAM in 1937 on the suggestion a Hormel executive’s brother. Because the canned protein actually contains little ham, the company intimated the letters stood for ‘Shoulder of Pork and Ham’. Then, over the years, pop culture suggested it might stand for ‘Special Processed American Meat’ or even ‘Some Parts Are Meat’. Not so; it’s simply a contraction of the original name … ‘Spiced Ham’. (Some claim the use of ‘spam’ to mean junk email came about in early chatrooms when obnoxious users would dump in the lyrics to the “Monty Python Spam Song”.)

Ants switch jobs as they age, transitioning from caretakers to cleaners and then to foragers. Swiss researchers made that discovery by putting bar codes on ants and using a hi-res infrared camera to take an image every 2 seconds. The most dangerous job is foraging, since it requires leaving the nest and encountering the outside world. That’s a job reserved for the oldest ants in a colony. (Sacrifice the geezers!)
– “New York Times”


1958 [55] Drew Carey, Cleveland OH, comedian/TV host (“The Price is Right” since 2007)/TV producer (“Whose Line Is It Anyway?” 1998-2006)/TV actor (“The Drew Carey Show” 1995-2004)

1967 [46] Phil Selway, Abingdon UK, alt-rock drummer (Radiohead-“There There”, “Creep”)

1970 [43] Matt Flynn, LA CA, pop drummer (Maroon 5-“Moves Like Jagger”, “She Will Be Loved”)

1974 [39] Jewel (Kilcher), Payson UT, country/folk/pop singer (“Intuition”, “Standing Still”)

• “Taffy Day”, celebrating the ooey-gooey soft candy that sticks to your dental fillings. Salt water taffy was originally produced in Atlantic City NJ back in 1883.

• “World Turtle Day”, initiated in 2000 by American Tortoise Rescue, a turtle & tortoise conservation organization founded in 1990 in Malibu CA. The observance highlights ways each of us can help protect these gentle but jeopardized animals. A few dos & don’ts listed here …

2005 [08] Tom Cruise infamously leaps on the couch & pumps his fist in the air to express his love for Katie Holmes during an appearance on “Oprah”

2007 [06] The US Library of Congress hands out its 1st ‘Gershwin Award’ to singer-songwriter Paul Simon

1988 [25] 1st ‘Underwater Wedding’, using divers’ hand signals for vows (was the guy saying ‘yes’ when he gave the panicked thumbs-up sign, or was his air just running out?)

1982 [31] Colin Wilson rides a surfboard a record 294 miles (473 km)

[Fri] “Epic”; “Fast & Furious 6” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Soul Beach Music Festival begins (Aruba)
[Fri] Sasquatch! Music Festival begins (Quincy WA)
[Fri] Rocklahoma begins (Pryor OK)
[Sat] Geek Pride Day
[Sun] Indy 500 (Indianapolis)
This Week Is … Safe Boating Week
This Month Is … Motorcycle Safety Month


• They all enter and exit through the cat door.
• Frequently seen walking on their clothesline.
• You overhear the guy complimenting his wife by saying, “The beard looks nice today.”
• Every Saturday night ‘Monkey Boy’ passes out on your lawn.
• They’re always swallowing your rake.
• Everywhere you look … sawdust.
• Literally, freaks on the porch.

What does a ‘herpetologist’ study?
a. Snakes & other reptiles. [CORRECT]
b. Herbs & other spices.
c. Herpes & other sexually-transmitted diseases.
– “Amazing Animal Facts”

☎ A lot of people give their vehicles a nickname. What’s yours? (A new AAA poll finds the most common name given to cars is … ‘The Batmobile’.)

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and overeating, and I lost 2 weeks.

Question: The average woman will do THIS more than 6,000 times in her lifetime.
Answer: Step on a scale.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

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