Tuesday, May 3, 2011        Edition: #4497
Sheet For Brains!

Unemployed actor Charlie Sheen is a single man again after his divorce from Brooke Mueller was finalized on Monday (good for him, now he can loosen up and party!) . . . TV actress Dreama Walker (‘Becca’ on “The Good Wife”) is being sued for allegedly driving her car straight into another vehicle back in March (should someone named ‘Dreama’ even be allowed a driver’s license?) . . . This week Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer will reportedly enter a ‘no contest’ plea to put an end to her criminal case involving that allegedly stolen necklace (one less thing to worry about in the slammer) . . . 17-year-old Tallulah Willis, youngest daughter of Demi Moore & her ex, Bruce Willis, has been cited for underage drinking in Hollywood (you’d be acting up too if your parents tagged you ‘Tallulah’) . . . “Jersey Shore” star Angelina Pivarnick (who just announced her pregnancy) has been dumped by her fiancé after he found some other guy’s underwear in her car (unfortunately, no cameras were rolling at the time) . . . The $83.6-million weekend box office for “Fast Five” was the biggest movie opening so far this year (you know what this means – a gazillion more souped-up Honda Civics racing down the freeway) . . . TMZ reports Will Smith’s spawn Jaden Smith collected a 7-figure salary for his role in “The Karate Kid”, and he was only 10 at the time! (he’s still the poorest member of the family) . . . “Harry Potter” actress Emma Watson has posted a message on her website denying reports she was ‘bullied’ out of Brown University (she could have put an end to that with a little hocus-pocus) . . . And a spokesperson for January Jones has confirmed to “Us Magazine” that the 33-year-old “Mad Men” actress is pregnant but has not revealed who the father is (spin the stud wheel: movie actor Adrien Brody, “Entourage” actor Jeremy Piven, singer Josh Groban, TV chef Bobby Flay, “SNL” comic Jason Sudeikis, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, the Los Angeles Dodgers …).

• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – Another couple is eliminated.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Steve Martin & The Steep Canyon Rangers (“Rare Bird Alert”).
• “Play On, Nashville!” (Nashville TN) – A special show at the Grand Ole Opry marks the 1st anniversary of the flood that devastated much of the area. Performers include Brad Paisley, Charlie Daniels Band, Dierks Bentley, and Luke Bryan. Proceeds go to local charities.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (“Beat the Devil’s Tattoo”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – OK Go (“Of the Blue Colour Of the Sky”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – 2AM Club (“What Did You Think Was Going to Happen”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/A Channel) – kd lang (“Sing It Loud”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Ricky Martin (“Musica + Alma + Sexo”).
• “The Voice” (NBC) – Vocalists perform for the judges. (With 10 million viewers, last week’s episode out-rated “Glee”.)

• Aerosmith – Steven Tyler has revealed in “Rolling Stone” that the band’s attempt to make an album in 2008 collapsed because he and guitarist Joe Perry started taking drugs again.
• Alison Krauss – She has more Grammy Awards than any female in all genres of music. 26, to be exact.
• Beastie Boys – Their album “Hot Sauce Committee Part 2” is released today.
• Jennifer Lopez – Her new album “Love?” is out today in several versions including a ‘Deluxe Edition’ (4 bonus tracks) and ‘The Glitterati Edition’ (at circa $47).
• Kenny Chesney – He’s landed his 20th #1 single on the “Billboard” Country Songs chart with “Live a Little”.
• Rod Stewart – He says he’s looking forward to becoming a grandfather. The news that his daughter Kimberly is expecting a baby via actor Benicio Del Toro (even though they are not a couple) came just weeks after Rod became a father for the 8th time in February.
• Shania Twain – Today Atria Books releases her autobiography, “From This Moment On”.
• Village People – Victor Willis (the cop), who left the group in 1979, is suing for $1.5 million in royalties, claiming he’s owed a larger slice of the pie because he helped write the hits “YMCA”, “Macho Man”, and “In the Navy”.

• “The Dilemma” ( PG-13 Comedy ): Vince Vaughn plays a guy struggling to decide whether to tell his best friend (Kevin James) that his wife (Winona Ryder) is having an affair. Directed by Ron Howard. Co-stars Channing Tatum, Jennifer Connelly, Queen Latifah. Shot in Chicago.
• “The Green Hornet” ( PG-13 Crime Thriller ): Seth Rogen as a superhero? Yep, he plays a newspaper publisher by day and masked crime-fighter by night who is assisted by his martial arts expert sidekick ‘Kato’ (Jay Chou). Co-stars Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz.
• “From Prada to Nada” ( Romantic Comedy ): Camilla Belle & Alexa Vega star as spoiled sisters living with their father in a luxurious Beverly Hills mansion. When he dies suddenly, they discover they’re left penniless and are forced to move in with their aunt in down-market East LA.
• Also released today: “According to Jim: The Complete 3rd Season” (TV); “Being Human: Season 3” (TV);  “Boy Meets World: The Complete 5th Season” (TV); “Drop Dead Diva: Season 2” (TV); “Julian Assange: A Modern Day Hero? Inside the World of WikiLeaks” (Documentary); “Mao’s Last Dancer” (Biography); and “The PJs: Season 1 (Animation).

The editors of a new academic publication in Britain called the “Journal of Animal Ethics” say we should stop calling our household critters ‘pets’ because the term is insulting. Instead, they should be called ‘companion animals’ and pet owners should be referred to as ‘human carers’. The group also recommends the term ‘wildlife’ be changed to ‘free-living animals’, and contends that animal-related similes such as ‘sly as a fox’, ‘eat like a pig’, and ‘drunk as a skunk’ are unfair. (These people are obviously crazy as a loon; maybe as nutty as a sack full of ferrets.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

More than 50% of pets (er … companion animals) in America are overweight, according to recent research. The reasons are the same as their owners: overeating and a lack of exercise. Even fish can be fat, the report says. Giving them exercise is as simple as getting them a larger tank with more room to swim around. (Much simpler than trying to get your guppy on a leash.)
– “Chicago Tribune”

A magazine poll of some 600 married readers finds that 90% actually love their mother-in-laws. In fact, 9% say their relationship with their mother-in-law is closer than that with their own mother. (Typical quote: “Yeah, the ol’ battle ax is OK.”)
– “Chatelaine”

A few of the gross things parents do for kids that no one thinks to warn you about …
• Changing the sheets after an ‘accident’.
• Diaper-changing after a bout of constipation.
• Unclogging drains.
• Booger scraping.
• Bathtub sanitation after ‘floaties’.
• Flossing your child’s braces.
• Taking candy from a baby. (Whoever said it was easy was clearly not a parent. It’s sticky and gooey and there’s a lot of screaming as you rip it cruelly out of their wee fingers.)
– Condensed from “Redbook”

A Columbia University study of 13,000 people who regularly travel as part of their job has found that health risks increase according to the amount of time spent traveling. Extensive travelers are 260% more likely than light travelers to rate their health as fair-to-poor. Obesity is 92% more common in extensive travelers and they also tend to have higher cholesterol and blood pressure. Researchers think poor sleep patterns, unhealthy diets, and long periods of inactivity all contribute. Workers who hit the road are encouraged to monitor their health more closely, and book hotels that have gyms and offer heart-healthy foods. (George Clooney made all this seem so cool in “Up In the Air”.)
– “Los Angeles Times”

According to a recent study, women who postpone having children until later in life earn at least 6% more income than women who interrupt their careers to have children early. The reasons are simple: women who delay having kids can work more hours, accommodate business travel, get more training, and take promotions. Women with children can’t be as flexible. (Yeah, but who wants to go to their kid’s kindergarten ‘Show & Tell’ as a retiree?)
– “Globe & Mail”

• 5-to-20% of hotel towels, blankets, robes, etc are stolen each month. Theft costs the average hotel about $15,000 a month. But beware, they’ve started putting tracking chips in them!
– TIME.com
• Every child aged 6 or over in Armenia learns to play chess. Authorities believe compulsory lessons foster schoolchildren’s intellectual abilities. Small wonder chess is a national obsession.
– BBC News


1946 [65] Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, CBS-TV sportscaster (“The NFL on CBS”, NCAA basketball)

1971 [40] John Driskell Hopkins, Atlanta GA, country bass guitarist/vocalist (Zac Brown Band-“Colder Weather”, “Chicken Fried”)

1975 [36] Dulé Hill, Orange NJ, TV actor (“Psych” since 2006, “The West Wing” 1999-2006)

1975 [36] Christina Hendricks, Knoxville TN, TV actress (‘Joan Holloway’ on “Mad Men” since 2007, “Firefly” 2002-03)/“Esquire” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Woman In the World’ (2010)

1978 [33] Paul Banks, Clacton-on-Sea UK, rock vocalist (Interpol-“The Heinrich Maneuver”, “Slow Hands”)

1984 [27] Cheryl Burke, San Francisco CA, professional dancer (first 2-time champion on “Dancing With the Stars”)

• “Different Colored Shoes Day”, ie: one brown and one black. It’s a day to take a risk and step outside your daily routine. Why not go for the socks, too? Pink and chartreuse?

• “Disabled Pets Day”, begun in 2006 to educate the public about caring for disabled pets and find homes for orphaned, specially-abled pets.
NET: http://www.disabledpetsday.com

• “Garden Meditation Day”, day to let go of concerns and center full attention on a garden even if it’s just for a few minutes. (You can meditate on when you’re going to get around to weeding.)

• “Paranormal Day”, a day for all paranormal enthusiasts to get together and share their unique experiences with each other. Seminars and readings are scheduled worldwide.
NET: http://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/paranormal-day

• “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. (Meaning, the male half will forget.)

• “Teacher Day”, observed annually on the Tuesday of the first full week of May to pay tribute to educators everywhere.

• “Wordsmith Day”. Wow, how scintillating yet somehow egregious!

• “World Asthma Day”, an annual event on the first Tuesday of May organized by the Global Initiative for Asthma to improve asthma awareness and care around-the-world.
NET: http://www.ginasthma.com/WADIndex.asp

• “World Press Freedom Day”, as declared by the UN to recognize the value of freedom of expression, and the sacrifices journalist have made to attain this freedom. (And the right to get into sports events with a free pass.)

1991 [20] Primetime soap opera “Dallas” ends its 13-season run on CBS-TV with the 356th episode

2002 [09] “Spider-Man” opens in movie theaters

1986 [25] “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer hits #1 on pop charts

1986 [25] Dolly Partons “Dollywood” amusement park opens near Gatlinburg, Tennessee

1934 [77] 1st-ever ‘Comic Book’ is published, “Famous Funnies” from Dell Books

[Wed] Grump Out
[Wed] Respect for Chickens Day
[Wed] Star Wars Day
[Thurs] Cartoonists Day
[Thurs] Cinco de Mayo
This Week Is … Be Kind to Animals Week
This Month Is … Barbeque Month


• “What pill?”
• “Do you think she’s hotter than me?”
• “There’s something I’ve never told you that you need to hear.”
• “Hello, I’m from the tax department …”
• “Can I see you in the conference room?”
• “You mean you actually ATE it?”
• “How strange … you kiss just like your Dad!”
• “We’re not planning layoffs, but there will be some restructuring.”
• “This is your doctor calling … remember that test you did?”
• “Mind getting on top? My nose is running.”

My mother always taught me to make little things count. So now I teach math to dwarves.

• According to University of California research, which may be as good for your heart as red wine but without the alcohol side effects?
a. Cranberry juice.
b. Apple juice. [CORRECT, because of its antioxidants. Unsweetened, 100% juice is best.]
c. Grapefruit juice.

• According to a Georgia State University study, in which setting are you likely to eat less?
a. Dining alone. [CORRECT. The larger the group, the more you’re likely to eat.]
b. Dining with 1 other person.
c. Dining with 2 or more other people.
– Halife.com

What nicknames do you use when talking to your kids about private parts?

Today’s Question: The average person does THIS 11 times in a lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Moves. (“Details Magazine”)

He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.

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