Thursday, May 3, 2012        Edition: #4741

Sheet For Brains!

Today AMC Theaters are screening a marathon of 5 Marvel superhero movies – “Captain America”, “The Incredible Hulk”, “Iron Man 1 & 2”, and “Thor” – leading up to a midnight premiere of “The Avengers” (feeling the need to call in sick?) . . . Pop singer-turned-fashion maven Jessica Simpson & fiancé Eric Johnson have decided to name their new baby ‘Maxwell Drew Johnson’, which would be très normal except – it’s a girl (this is the new Hollywood penchant – gender-blurring) . . . Actress Mila Kunis (“Black Swan”) may have denied she & Ashton Kutcher are dating but “Life & Style” reports they’ve been spotted dining out together again (she did recently admit she had the ‘biggest crush on him’ when they co-starred on “That 70s Show”) . . . Kutcher may or may not be scoring with his former castmate but he’s certainly scoring on-the-job, a new report suggesting CBS-TV is prepared to pay him $700,000-per-episode to remain on “Two-And-a-Half Men” next season (ratings are down 20% and he’s getting a raise?) . . . The 60-acre Atlanta studio complex owned by $130-million-a-year producer Tyler Perry has been damaged by a massive fire (the good news is, no more ‘Madea’ films for awhile) . . . This week a NYC rap gig at Hammerstein Ballroom featuring Fabolous and Wale was thrown into chaos when – you guessed it – the stage collapsed (ok, what’s the deal with stages these days?) . . . “Glee” star Amber Riley (‘Mercedes Jones’), who collapsed on the red carpet at a Hollywood event Tuesday night, has now tweeted that she’s fine and the incident was due to getting ‘dizzy from all the camera flashes’ (for which she’ll be attending rehab) . . . Fright-film director Eli Roth (“Hostel” films) tells he’s building a huge multi-story haunted house attraction in Las Vegas called ‘Goretorium’ that will open this September (quote: “Horror fans know that with my name on it, it won’t be for little kids”) . . . “The Hunger Games” and “Bridesmaids” have both received a leading 8 nominations for the upcoming “MTV Movie Awards” (June 3rd) . . . The $70-million snakebit production “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” has received just 2 minor nominations for the 66th annual “Tony Awards” (June 10th) . . . And a NYC judge has dismissed a lawsuit against the Recording Academy over the shrinking number of categories for the “Grammy Awards” (January 27th), which have been reduced from 109 to 78 for the 2013 edition (uh guys, get it down to 10 and you might have something).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Performances by Carrie Underwood (“Blown Away”) and Coldplay (“Mylo Xyloto”); a finalist is eliminated.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Switchfoot (“Vice Verses”). Rerun.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Norah Jones (“Little Broken Hearts”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Roger Daltrey (The Who).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Father John Misty (“Fear Fun”); Rachael Yamagata (“Elephants … Teeth Sinking Into Heart”).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Guest co-host Josh Groban (“Illuminations”).


• Beyoncé – She tells “People” magazine that she prepared for the birth of baby Blue Ivy in January with a fresh eyebrow wax, as well as having her fingernails, feet, and hair done. (Does this sound like any pregnancy you’ve experienced/heard of?)
• Eric Church – Tonight his “Blood, Sweat & Beers Tour” is scheduled to resume in Springfield, Missouri. His Sunday show in Bloomington, Indiana had to be cancelled because he lost his voice. (See Celebirthdays below.)
• Iron Maiden – Frontman Bruce Dickinson, who has a commercial pilot’s license, is opening Cardiff Aviation in Wales, a company offering aviation support services like training and aircraft maintenance. It’s expected to bring 1,000 new jobs to the area within 18 months. (This is the kind of thing you can do if you’ve sold 85 million records.)
• Lil Wayne – Cash Money Records boss Birdman claims that Weezy has the biggest deal in urban music history to stay with the company which he originally signed with at age 11. Rumor has it he’s getting paid as much as $150 million.
• Lionel Ritchie – He’s dropped out of ABC-TV’s singing competition “Duets” (debuting May 24th) due to ‘personal scheduling conflicts’ (BS translation: I’ve got a hit album now and don’t need you). John Legend will replace him alongside Jennifer Nettles, Kelly Clarkson, and Robin Thicke.
• Rascal Flatts – They’ve just notched their 14th #1 country hit with “Banjo”, the lead single off their latest album, “Changed”. The video for the song has won them a 2012 “CMT Music Award” nomination for ‘Group Of the Year’.
• Rihanna – In a new interview with “Extra”, she discusses her acting debut in the action film “Battleship” (opening May 18th). Quote: “That’s so, so weird to hear ‘actress’ next to my name.” (Exactly.)


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Bridget Jones Baby” – Hugh Grant admits he isn’t averse to reprising his role as ‘Daniel Cleaver’ in the 3rd film in the franchise, but he’s waiting for the right script before committing. The “Full Monty” director Peter Cattaneo is directing the movie, in which Renée Zellweger will return as the famously frumpy Brit. Colin Firth is also likely to return.
• “Parker” – Jason Statham says co-star Jennifer Lopez is a ‘tremendous actress’ and ‘a lot of fun’ on the set during the filming of this upcoming crime-thriller. The story, based on the book series by Donald Westlake, revolves around a thief who is forced to become a killer. We’ll find out just how much ‘fun’ the movie is when it opens in January 2013.
• “Rambo: Last Stand” – 65-year-old Sylvester Stallone says he’s writing a draft for one final instalment for his classic character to give him a fitting send-off. He says the Vietnam war veteran will ‘go out in a blaze of glory in a heroic fashion’. The action series began with “First Blood” in 1982, and has spawned 3 sequels since.
• “Star Trek 2” – JJ Abrams’ as-yet-untitled sequel to his 2009 reboot of the sci-fi series will hit cinemas in 2013. Latest buzz has it that the original TV ‘Spock’, 81-year-old Leonard Nimoy, is set to come out of retirement to play an older version of the character now portrayed by Zachary Quinto. Nimoy will only confirm: “We’re talking. We’re talking.”
• “Van Helsing” – Tom Cruise is slated to co-produce and star in a re-imagining of the 2004 vampire movie that featured Hugh Jackman & Kate Beckinsale. The story follows a notorious monster hunter who is sent to Transylvania to stop a sinister plot by ‘Count Dracula’. We’ll have to wait awhile to see the results as the film isn’t expected to be released until 2016.


Perplexing mysteries about the female from a guy’s perspective …
• Carrying Flats Around – Wearing heels out for the night is sexy, but what’s up with needing a spare pair that you can actually walk in? Why not just wear comfortable shoes in the first place?
• That Massive Purse – Okay, you really only need your wallet and maybe some lip balm. Unless that thing is secretly full of money, guys don’t get it.
• The Thong Thing – You wear a rope so we won’t notice the barely-noticeable lines that reveal you’re wearing underwear. But we like thinking about you in your underwear.
• Frenemies – When you complain about a friend one day and then hang out with her the next, it’s confusing. Guys have frenemies too … except we call them ‘former friends’.
• Hating the Rain – We know it’s because it makes your hair frizzy. But we wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t brought it up … 17 times.
• 24/7 Makeup – We will never understand why women need to put on lipstick and mascara to run to the store.
• Changing Again – Swapping your clothes a million times before you go out confuses the hell out of us. You look great in any outfit.
• Plucking Your Brows – We appreciate that you make sure you don’t have a crazy unibrow, but how can one woman withstand so much pain on a regular basis?


According to new Oxford University research, ‘Tetris’ – the ubiquitous, tile-stacking videogame – can help prevent PTSD–related flashbacks. Those harrowing moments of recall are among the most devastating symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder, which is thought to affect at least 25% of soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. Researchers say ‘Tetris’ serves as a ‘cognitive vaccine’ that seems to ‘inoculate’ against flashbacks. Why? It’s thought the game places demands on the brain that interfere with ability to form and retain traumatic memories. (So now we have people playing videogames in training for war and then other games to get over it.)

A new study suggests the additional medical spending due to the epidemic of obesity is double previous estimates and exceeds even those related to smoking. Just a few of the repercussions: America’s Federal Transit Administration wants buses to be tested for the impact of heavier riders on steering and braking. Cars are burning nearly a billion gallons of gasoline more a year than if passengers weighed what they did in 1960. And many hospitals are ripping out wall-mounted toilets and replacing them with floor models, to better handle the extra weight. (Notice the office elevator is now only rated for 2 people at a time?)


No BS, these titles are actually out there … really out there.
• “Feng Shui For You & Your Cat”, by Alison Daniels (2000).
• “How to Massage Your Cat”, by Jane Buckle (1996).
• “Crafting With Cat Hair”, by Kaori Tsutaya (2011).
• “Catflexing: A Cat Owner’s Guide Weight Training, Aerobics & Stretching”, by Stephanie Jackson (1997).
• “Dancing With Cats”, by Burton Silver & Heather Busch (1999).
• “Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs”, by Julie Jackson (2009).


Infamous ‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman has admitted that her recent financial struggles owing to trying to raise 14 kids could mean she’ll consider … an adult movie. In typical confusing fashion, she insists she’d only perform if she didn’t have to kiss or touch somebody. Suleman, now 36, apparently has a new offer from Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch. He’s now promising $100,000 for 3 hardcore scenes. Interestingly, he offered her $1 million back in 2009 at the height of her fame. (Is there anyone you have less sympathy for?)


The distance between an alligator’s eyes in inches is directly proportional to the length of that same ‘gator in feet.


1946 [66] Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, CBS-TV sportscaster (“The NFL on CBS”, NCAA basketball)

1971 [41] John Driskell Hopkins, Atlanta GA, country bass guitarist-vocalist (Zac Brown Band-“Colder Weather”, “Chicken Fried”)

1975 [37] Christina Hendricks, Knoxville TN, TV actress (‘Joan Holloway’ on “Mad Men” since 2007, “Firefly” 2002-03)/”Esquire” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Woman In the World’ (2010)

1977 [35] Eric Church, Granite Falls NC, country singer (“Springsteen”, “Drink In My Hand”)

1978 [34] Paul Banks, Clacton-on-Sea UK, rock vocalist (Interpol-“The Heinrich Maneuver”, “Slow Hands”)

1984 [28] Cheryl Burke, San Francisco CA, professional dancer (first 2-time champion on “Dancing With the Stars”)  BS FACTOID: In the currently running Season 14, she’s partnered with actor William Levy.


• “Different Colored Shoes Day”, ie: one brown and one black. It’s a day to take a risk and step outside your daily routine. Why not go for the socks, too? Pink and chartreuse?

• “Garden Meditation Day”, day to let go of concerns and center full attention on a garden even if it’s just for a few minutes. (You can meditate about when you’re going to get around to weeding.)

• “Paranormal Day”, a day for all paranormal enthusiasts to get together and share their unique experiences with each other. Seminars and readings are scheduled worldwide.

• “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. (Meaning, the male half will forget.)

• “Specially-Abled Pets Day”, begun in 2006 to educate the public about caring for disabled pets and to find homes for orphaned and physically-challenged animals.

• “Wordsmith Day, just one more excuse for miscellaneous merriment. How scintillating yet somehow egregious.

• “World Press Freedom Day”, created by the UN to recognize the value of freedom of expression and the sacrifices journalists have made to attain this freedom. (Especially recently in Syria.)


2002 [10] “Spider-Man” opens in movie theaters (ensuring Tobey Maguire never has to work again)


1986 [26] Dolly Partons “Dollywood” amusement park opens near Gatlinburg, Tennessee


1934 [78] 1st-ever ‘Comic Book’ is published, “Famous Funnies” from Dell Books


1986 [26] 54-year-old Willie Shoemaker, aboard 18-to-1 longshot Ferdinand, becomes the oldest jockey ever to win the Kentucky Derby


[Fri] International Firefighters Day
[Fri] Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
[Fri] No Pants Day
[Sat] Cinco de Mayo
[Sat] International Midwives Day
[Sat] Free Comic Book Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Animals Week
This Month Is … Barbeque Month


• Actually drives cab in the area marked ‘street’.
• Turns the meter off and says, “How can I care about money when I’m drivin’ a big yellow car?  Whee!”
• You have to take turns driving so he can get some shut-eye.
• When stuck in traffic, he explains, “I would use the horn but it is only for emergencies.”
• He stops at red lights.
• Miraculously, he has change for a 20.


I’ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.


☎ What is the worst food combination you can think of?

Question: Restaurant servers who do THIS average 30% more in tips than those who don’t.
Answer: Introduce themselves by name.


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

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