Friday, May 3, 2013        Edition: #4977

Sheet For Brains!

✳ Fashion model Naomi Campbell & her Russian billionaire boyfriend Vladislav Doronin have been together about 5 years but are now said to be on a ‘break’. The pair were last seen together in Miami Beach FL in March. Since then, he’s been spotted in the company of an unidentified blonde. An inside source confirms: “Naomi & Vlad have broken up, and he’s been out partying in New York.” (Oops! She’s getting a bit ripe for modeling, turning 43 on May 22nd, and now she’s lost her only other revenue source.)
✳ Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux have reportedly moved their wedding date because they don’t want their big day to clash with her ex-husband’s nuptials. They had been planning to tie the knot in May but after learning that Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie were scheduled to do the deed the same month, J&J pushed their wedding date to August to ensure it isn’t overshadowed. (C’mon, who’d be so shallow as to reschedule a wedding to get best coverage? Oh yeah, Jen.)
✳ Actor Bradley Cooper has become the latest to drop out of Natalie Portman’s upcoming Western “Jane Got a Gun”. The project hit headlines in March when Michael Fassbender quit. Then actor Jude Law quit. Then producers were forced to hunt for a new director when Lynne Ramsay failed to show up on the first day of production. The reason for Cooper’s departure is not known but Jake Gyllenhaal, Tobey Maguire, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Tom Hiddleston are among those rumored to be in talks for the male lead. (They should re-title this “Snakebit!”)
✳ Nowadays landing a major ad campaign is a rite of passage for actresses. So when Givenchy asked Amanda Seyfried to be the new face of its Very Irresistible fragrance, replacing longtime muse Liv Tyler, she says her response was: “F— yeah!’. She’s seemingly been angling for the gig for a while, attending Givenchy’s Paris fashion show in March and wearing its designs on several red carpets, including the Golden Globe Awards and the “Vanity Fair” Oscars party. (Apparently Givenchy is going for a more bug-eyed look.)
✳ And an online show biz site has put together “A Practical Guide to Not Hating Gwyneth Paltrow in Iron Man 3”. A few highlights …
5. Pretend it’s May 2008 when the original “Iron Man” opened. Before anyone had written a single post about how Gwyneth is the worst person on Earth.
4. Watch Gwyneth impersonate Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyoncé, and even her husband Chris Martin on YouTube.
3. Consider the importance of chemistry. Without ‘Pepper’, ‘Tony Stark’ is just another egomaniac in a suit.
2. Repeat the words ‘Pepper Potts is a pretend person who picked a pot of pickled peppers.’
1. Unsubscribe from GOOP, her lame website/newsletter that makes her seem such a self-important poseur.
– Adapted from

• Beale Street Music Festival (Memphis TN) – Part of the “Memphis in May International Festival”, the line-up for this year’s 3-day event includes Alice in Chains, Black Keys, Flaming Lips, Gary Clark Jr, Phoenix, Sheryl Crow, Smashing Pumpkins, ZZ Top and many more.
• Carolina Rebellion Festival – Saturday & Sunday at Charlotte Motor Speedway in Concord NC, featuring Alice In Chains, Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, Rise Against, Soundgarden, Three Days Grace and others.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight New Order (“Lost Sirens”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight A Silent Film (“Sand & Snow”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Eve (“Lip Lock”, out May 14th).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Kacey Musgraves (“Same Trailer Different Park”).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Double header: Rerun with host Jennifer Lawrence (“Silver Linings Playbook”); musical guest The Lumineers (“Ho Hey”). Then host Zach Galifianakis (“The Hangover Part III”, out May 24th); musical guest Of Monsters & Men (“My Head Is an Animal”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Various Cruelties (“Various Cruelties”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today guest co-host Lance Bass (ex-*NSYNC).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – Saturday the season’s best moments; the top 16’s journey; unseen footage of coaches. Sunday the contestants perform in hope of making the next round.
• Yahoo! On the Road – Tonight the world’s first ‘mobile entertainment & innovation festival’ begins in NYC with John Legend, Ryan Leslie, and Salomé Chamber Orchestra. Performances during the multi-weekend traveling event are being streamed live.

• Saturday – “Cops” (FOX).
• Sunday – “The Amazing Race” (CBS/CTV); “The Mentalist” (CBS/CTV); “Red Widow” (ABC/CTV 2).

• Ke$ha – She tells Conan O’Brien she has started composing songs by … letting her boobs pick out notes while dangling over her piano keyboard. She insists her bizarre new way of working is actually quite successful. (“[Your station ID], the breast hit music!”)
• Lil Wayne – He’s been hospitalized (again) after suffering a seizure (again). A report says his bodyguards took him to LA’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where he was treated by doctors and discharged. He recently claimed his medical crises are due to epilepsy. (More likely due to his addiction to the cough-syrup mixture variously called ‘sizzurp’, ‘purple drank’, and ‘lean’.)
• Metallica – Tonight they team up with the San Francisco Giants for the first ever ‘Metallica Night’ at AT&T Park as the Giants host the LA Dodgers. The band kicks off the MLB game with both the anthem and ceremonial first pitch. (Only Jimi Hendrix could rock the anthem better.)
• Michael Bublé – He’s atop the new ‘Billboard 200’ album chart with his April release “To Be Loved”.
• Paul McCartney – His “Out There! World Tour” begins with shows Saturday, next Monday and Thursday in Brazil. McCartney has been working with producer Mark Ronson on new music.
• Rolling Stones – Tonight their “50 & Counting Tour” North American leg begins at Staples Center in Los Angeles, pushed back a day because of the NBA playoff schedule. Their North American run is set to wrap in Philadelphia PA on June 21st.
• Soundgarden – Tonight they begin a 2013 Summer tour in Atlantic City NJ, with dates announced up to May 28th in Broomfield CO.

A new study shows that facial hair says a lot about a man, and that attractiveness peaks at the ‘heavy stubble’ phase. Researchers photographed 10 men at 4 stages of beard growth: clean-shaven, 5-day ‘light stubble’, 10-day ‘heavy stubble’, and fully bearded. When ranking photos of each face for attractiveness, masculinity, health, and parenting ability, most women picked heavily stubbled faces as best. (How do you do ‘heavy stubble’ on days 1-to-9?)
– Excerpted from “Washington Post”

An advertising system which is able to track your eye movements while you shop has been created by researchers at Lancaster University in Britain. The ‘Sideways Project’ uses software to locate faces and then zero in on the eye movements of shoppers captured on camera. It could be used to change video screen ads depending on what customers look at. The team hopes the technology will be in stores within 5 years. (Are there going to BE stores in 5 years?)
– Sourced from BBC News

• The world’s fastest spider moves about 10 mph (16 km/hr).
• The odds of being killed in a 5-mile (8-km) bus trip are 1-in-500 million.
• In terms of mass, an electron is to a watermelon as a watermelon is to the Sun.
– “Sizesaurus”


1946 [67] Greg Gumbel, New Orleans LA, CBS-TV sportscaster (“The NFL on CBS”, NCAA basketball)

1971 [42] John Driskell Hopkins, Atlanta GA, country bass guitarist-vocalist (Zac Brown Band-“Colder Weather”, “Chicken Fried”)

1975 [38] Christina Hendricks, Knoxville TN, TV actress (‘Joan Holloway’ on “Mad Men” since 2007, “Firefly” 2002-03)/”Esquire” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Woman In the World’ (2010)

1977 [36] Eric Church, Granite Falls NC, country singer (“Springsteen”, “Drink In My Hand”)

1978 [35] Paul Banks, Clacton-on-Sea UK, rock vocalist (Interpol-“The Heinrich Maneuver”, “Slow Hands”)

1984 [29] Cheryl Burke, San Francisco CA, professional dancer (first 2-time champion on “Dancing With the Stars”)

Rock guitarist Mick Mars (Mötley Crüe) is 62; Soul-funk singer Sharon Jones (Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings) is 57; Country singer Randy Travis (“Forever & Ever Amen”) is 54; TV actor Will Arnett (“Arrested Development”) is 43; Rock bassist Mike Dirnt (Green Day) is 41; Ex-pop singer Lance Bass (*NSYNC) is 34; Pop-rock drummer Nate Novarro (Cobra Starship) is 27.

Rock musician Bill Ward (ex-Black Sabbath) is 65; TV anchor Brian Williams (“NBC Nightly News”) is 54; Pop singer-songwriter Adele (“Rolling In the Deep”) is 25; R&B singer Chris Brown (“Look At Me Now”) is 24.

• “Canadian Tulip Festival”, the 60th annual through May 20th in Canada’s Capital Region of Ottawa-Gatineau. The world’s largest tulip festival is thanks to a gift of 100,000 tulip bulbs from Dutch Princess (later Queen) Juliana in 1945 as thanks for providing her a home during WW2.
• “Different Colored Shoes Day”, ie: one brown and one black. It’s a day to take a risk and step outside your daily routine. Why not go for the socks, too? Pink and chartreuse?
• “Garden Meditation Day”, a day to let go of concerns and center full attention on a garden even if it’s just for a few minutes. Meditate about when you’re going to get around to weeding.
• “Great American Lobster Race”, the 29th running of the world’s only ‘thoroughbred lobster’ derby, in Aiken, South Carolina. The Kentucky Derby spoof-race features live Maine lobsters.
• “International Tuba Day”, observed annually on the 1st Friday of May to celebrate the musical instrument that seems to get no respect, and to recognize tubists around-the-world who struggle with the ‘weight and size of their instrument’.
• “No Pants Day”, a participatory holiday on the 1st Friday in May, when we’re encouraged to leave our pants behind. Usually this means wearing boxers, bloomers, slips, or briefs. (Not to be confused with the annual “No Pants Subway Ride” in January.)
• “Paranormal Day”, a day for all paranormal enthusiasts to get together and share their unique experiences with each other. Seminars and readings are scheduled worldwide.
• “Specially-Abled Pets Day”, begun in 2006 to educate the public about caring for disabled pets and to find homes for orphaned and physically-challenged animals.
• “Wordsmith Day, just one more excuse for miscellaneous merriment. How scintillating yet somehow egregious.
• “World Press Freedom Day”, created by the UN to recognize the value of freedom of expression and the sacrifices journalists have made to attain this freedom.

• “Free Comic Book Day”, the 1st Saturday in May each year, when participating comic book shops around-the-world give away comic books absolutely free to anyone who comes in.
• “Homebrew Day”, saluting the intrepid amateur brewers who make booze in their basement.
• “International Firefighters’ Day”, to recognize the efforts of those brave hearts who risk their lives to keep us safe. And who women consistently pick in polls as ‘Sexiest Profession’.
• “Kentucky Derby”, the 139th ‘Run For the Roses’ in Louisville, Kentucky. It’s the first jewel in the ‘Triple Crown’ of thoroughbred horseracing in America. Also an excuse for a huge party.
• “Respect For Chickens Day”, promoting compassionate and respectful treatment of domestic fowl. Advocacy group United Poultry Concerns argues that we should celebrate the beauty and dignity of chickens and protest the bleakness of their lives in farming operations.
• “Scrapbook Day”, celebrated annually on the 1st Saturday of May. These days your scrapbook is most likely to be online at Pinterest.
• “Significant Other Day”, sort of an anniversary celebration for unwed couples. Meaning, the male half will likely forget.
• “Star Wars Day” … May the 4th be with you!

• “Cartoonists Day”, kicking off “Cartoon Art Appreciation Week”, to create greater public awareness of and appreciation for the cartoon.
• “Cinco de Mayo”, a Mexican holiday commemorating the 1862 victory over French troops at the Battle of Puebla. Mexicans everywhere celebrate with parades and fiestas. That’s likely the reason today is also called “Totally Chipotle Day”, a celebration of the smoked jalapeño pepper.
• “International Midwives Day”, observed since 1991 in over 50 nations worldwide to recognize and honor these healthcare professionals who are experts in women’s reproductive health.
• “Motorcycle Mass & Blessing Of the Bikes”, an annual ritual on the 1st Sunday of May at the Cathedral of St John the Baptist in Paterson NJ since 1969. The hope is it brings safety to riders during the coming season. The idea has since spread to other locales on various dates.
• “World Laughter Day”, initiated on the 1st Sunday of May by practitioners of ‘laughter yoga’. The movement begun by Indian physician Madan Kataria in 1995 now has over 6,000 clubs in 65 countries. The idea is that 20 minutes of laughter per day promotes overall wellness.

2012 [01] On its opening weekend, “The Avengers” earns $200.3 million in domestic box office, overtaking “Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 2” for biggest film opening of all-time

1986 [27] Dolly Partons “Dollywood” amusement park opens near Gatlinburg, Tennessee

1934 [79] 1st-ever ‘Comic Book’ is published, “Famous Funnies” from Dell Books

1986 [27] 54-year-old Willie Shoemaker, aboard 18-to-1 longshot Ferdinand, becomes the oldest jockey ever to win the Kentucky Derby

[Mon] “Rihanna 777” airs (FOX)
[Mon] Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala (NYC)
[Mon] Melanoma Monday
[Mon] No Diet Day
[Mon] No Homework Day
[Tues] World Asthma Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Animals Week
This Month Is … Barbeque Month


• Would helium make opera sound less stuffy?
• If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
• When cars are solar-powered, how will car chases end in the movies?
• Do bald people ever have ‘bad head’ days’?
• Do mimes make even less sense when you can’t see them?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free … you either married it or gave birth to it.

Where can cops, who have notoriously poor records when it comes to relationships, go to find someone new? Here …

What are the odds of you actually making a living as a gambler?
a. 1-in-5
b. 1-in-50
c. 1-in-5,000 [CORRECT. That’s the estimated likelihood of you regularly turning a profit.]
– “What Are the Chances?”

Question: About three-quarters of us prefer THIS to be homemade, rather than professionally made.
Answer: Pie.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

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