Wednesday, May 31, 2017 – Edition: #5986

The BS Press!

★ As you know, Tiger Woods was arrested in Jupiter, Florida Monday morning on suspicion of driving under the influence.
Woods was asleep in his Mercedes-Benz when police came upon him in the early hours of Memorial Day, and said that he had been coming back from playing golf in Los Angeles.  That’s the start of the police reports detailing multiple officers’ interactions with Woods in the traffic stop that resulted in his arrest on suspicion of driving under the influence and for illegally parking.  When officers came upon Woods, with his vehicle pointed in the opposite direction of his house at approximately 3 a.m., he was asleep in his car, which was parked on the side of the road. The right blinker was on, and Woods’ foot was on the brake. The officer had to awaken Woods, who spoke at a slow pace with slurred words. Woods told the officer he was coming back from the West Coast and did not know where he was, later changing his story. Woods asked the officer how far he was from his home. He also admitted he was taking several prescription medications, including Vicodin, a powerful painkiller.  He failed all of the field tests, including reciting the alphabet backward. On that particular test, Woods said he understood what was being asked of him before saying, “Yes, recite the entire national anthem backwards.”   A second officer’s report confirmed Woods did blow a 0.000 on a breathalyzer test and complied with a requested urine test.
✓ Best headline:  New York Post:  “DUI OF THE TIGER”
Tiger has released a statement, blaming an “unexpected reaction” to prescription medicine for his arrest that landed him in a Florida jail  for nearly four hours. He went on to say that he didn’t realize the mix of medications had affected him as strongly as they did, and he takes full responsibility.  Woods apologized to his family, friends and fans and said, “I expect more from myself, too.”
– Was this a first offense?  During his infamous fight with then-wife Elin Nordegren in November 2009, Woods drove while reportedly under the influence of Ambien and struck a fire hydrant and a tree.   Woods was not arrested for DUI at the time.
Meanwhile, Cori Rist, one of Tiger Woods’ ex-mistresses has emerged, saying she feels sorry for the golfer. “I only feel compassion for the guy. I think he’s a good person, and it’s kind of sad”.
(Hey Tiger!  Drivers aren’t just for golf!)
(Of course, Tiger’s lawyers are very, very good…), TMZ, Yahoo Sports
★ A whopping 22 years after ‘Clueless’ rocked the world with its bright colors, quotable dialogue and head-bopping soundtrack, Alicia Silverstone, who played the film’s central role of Cher Horowitz, appeared at the Hollywood Forever cemetery in Los Angeles to make a surprise cameo at a special screening of the film.  The 40-year-old actress also treated the crew of fans to a mini reunion with her co-star, Breckin Meyer, who famously played Travis Birkenstock in the movie. (A screening at a cemetery?)
★ Orlando Bloom says his intense workout regimen almost cost him his life….twice.  Bloom told James Corden that he works out with one of the world’s most famous big wave surfers, Laird Hamilton.  One routine involves doing weights underwater.  He explained that if you deoxygenate your blood by holding your breath, it’s a much more intense workout.  But the risk it that you might pass out.  Quote: “Once wasn’t enough. I had to [pass out] twice to realize I should never do that again.”
★ Emmy Rossum has wed ‘Mr Robot’ creator Sam Esmail in an intimate ceremony in New York City. Stars who turned out for the ceremony included Robert Downey Jr., William H. Macy and Hilary Swank.
★ The Fate Of The Furious has become only the sixth film in Hollywood history to speed past the $1 billion mark at the international box office. The ‘Fate’ joins 2015’s ‘Furious 7′ in the billion dollar club, which also features Avatar, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Titanic, and Jurassic World, while The Fate of the Furious is currently the 11th highest-grossing film in global box office history, thanks to a worldwide haul of just over $1.2 billion.

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Jim Carrey, Rachel Lindsay, Bush ( R )
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Dr. Phil McGraw, Leslie Jones, Rick Ross featuring Young Thug and Wale ( R )
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Amy Schumer, Gabourey Sidibe ( R )
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV):Kyle Chandler, Michaela Watkins, a performance by the Broadway cast of “Come From Away”, Matt Frazier ( R )
• “Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Abigail Spencer, Ben Platt, Tim Minchin, Take That ( R )
• “Last Call with Carson Daly” (NBC/CTV):Tyrese Gibson, Strand of Oaks, Jodie Comer ( R )
• “The Daily Show with Trevor Noah” (Comedy): Logan Browning
• “@Midnight with Chris Hardwick” (Comedy): Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz, Tawny Newsome
• “Conan” (TBS/Comedy): David Oyelowo, Louie Anderson, Angel Olsen ( R )
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Ramona Singer, Alex McCord ( R )
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Chelsea Clinton
• “The Talk” (CBS): Sam Elliott, Connie Nielsen
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Vanessa Williams, Louie Anderson
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Noah Ritter presents Ellen’s best moments with kids from Season 14, featuring Macey Hensley, “Young” Dylan Gilmer, Brielle Milla
• “Wendy Williams” (FOX): Roland Martin
• “Harry” (NBC/CTV): Holly Robinson Peete, Cesar & Andre Milan ( R )
• “The Real” (FOX): Simone Missick, guest co-host Monica ( R )

• Paul McCartney – has revealed the inspiration behind the landmark album “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”.   Sir Paul reports that he was on a plane with a roadie, who asked for Paul to pass the salt and pepper with his mouth full.  McCartney misheard him, thinking he said ‘Sergeant Pepper’ and began thinking about using that name for a song. McCartney says “I thought it would be a very interesting idea for us to assume alter egos for this album we were about to make”.
• Katy Perry – her new album “Witness” is set to be released next month and official details surrounding the tracklist and collaborations are slim, but a YouTube video containing audio snippets of Witness songs surfaced (it has since been removed).
• Linkin Park – locked up their sixth Number One album as the band’s newest LP ‘One More Light’ debuted atop the Billboard 200. That ties Bon Jovi, Dave Matthews Band, Metallica and the Eagles. Only the Beatles (19), the Rolling Stones (nine) Led Zeppelin and U2 (seven) have more.
• Oasis – Ex-frontman Liam Gallagher says he will ‘always’ poke fun at brother Noel because ‘it’s funny’.  There has been bad blood between the two siblings for some time, with Liam recently comparing Noel to Hitler and calling him a ‘little toad’.  Liam has also said that Noel is the one thing preventing an Oasis reunion from happening.
• New Order – were offered $100,000 to do a version of “Blue Monday” for a Sunkist commercial.  Proposed lyrics: “How does it feel, When a new day has begun, When you’re drinking in the sun, Sunkist is the one”.  They said no.
• Neil Young – ‘Hitchhiker’, a long-lost Neil Young album originally recorded in 1976, is reportedly coming out this summer.
• Kelsea Ballerini – and Billy Ray Cyrus can add ‘talking monster-truck animal’ to their résumés thanks to an upcoming gig on Nickelodeon’s ‘Blaze and the Monster Machines’. While Kelsea has made several music videos, her only acting credit is portraying herself on the ‘Nashville’ series. For Billy Ray, acting is a full-blown second career.

Most of us use the consumer products every day without being aware of the fact that they will not last forever and that they should be replaced after some period of time.
• Pillows: 2-3 years.  Natural wear and tear will make the pillow to lose its shape and because of lack of support, you will experience neck pain. Moreover, your pillow will become a home for dust mites. (Maybe if my kids would stop using it to pummel each other….)
• Bathroom towel: 1-3 years.  Most of us hang our towels on a hook to air dry without knowing that these damp towels are a fantastic environment for bacterial growth.  Washing towels after they ferment in their wet state will not solve the problem.  (I’ve been using the same one for 14 years and it hasn’t hurt me…said the sour-smelling single guy…)
• Perfume: 1-3 years.  Perfumes that contain essential oils can last for 3 years when they are stored closed and 2 years if they are stored opened.
• Child car seats: 6-10 years.  The foam and plastic deteriorate over time, causing the seat to lose its shape and rendering it unable to protect the child. (But I got such a good deal on it at the yard sale!)
(That’s why we stopped after 3 kids!)
• Bra: 1-2 years.  Once a bra begins to lose its shape, loses its elasticity, or becomes uncomfortable, trash it and buy a new one.  (Or just trash it!)
• Running shoes: 1 year.  Once they hit 250-300 miles, their cushioning starts to break down and causes stress to your joints. (Solution: Walk, don’t run.)
• Spices: 1-3 years.  Spices lose their taste and smell over time. Ground spices, especially, should not be kept more than 6 months.  (I just checked all the labels, and we have no ‘ground’.  Phew!)
• Disinfectants: 3 months.  They can lose their effectiveness after 3 months of use.  (How do you know, right?)
• Hairbrush: 1 year.  It is recommended you clean your brushes thoroughly once a week and replace them yearly. If the hairbrush you use is with natural boar bristle, buy a new one every 7-10 months.  (In a year, I may have no hair left to brush!)

Guys.  We try our best.  Sometimes it works out.  Sometimes we just don’t get it.  Jamarcus Guillory of Houston just doesn’t get it.  He thought he was getting his girlfriend a great make-up gift, but instead of flowers, it turned out he bought her purple kale.  Jamarcus was trying to purchase a nice romantic gift for his girlfriend to apologize after an argument…and what works better than flowers, right?  Well, um….kale does!  The 20 year-old not only got his girl back, he sent the internet into a swoon-fest.  It turns out that Guillory didn’t get his 19-year-old girlfriend Jailyn Hernandez tulips or roses — that’d be too cliche. He got her purple kale, a.k.a. lettuce, a.k.a. a vegetable. But it wasn’t on purpose. When his girl noticed, she Tweeted out a photo captioned: “My boyfriend brought me this thinking it was a flower but it’s lettuce”.  It has  now been retweeted over 40,000 times.  And instead of beating up on him, the internet loves him, with responses like “he’s so innocent and pure keep him as long as you can” and “I wish my man would come home /w some lettuce like that”.  Goes to show you.  Always get the pretty produce.  And if you screw up, ask for a second opinion.
(He must buy flowers at the supermarket, same as me…)
(And he thought he had a found a beautiful bouquet for like $8.)

Cutting-edge vocab…
• ‘Avocado hand’ –  A serious hand injury caused by improperly using a knife to cut, slice, or remove the pit of an avocado.
• ‘Chumbox’ – A web page grid featuring ads disguised as content links that use titillation, shock, or vanity to entice the reader to click an ad.
• ‘Technology doping’ – The use of technology to improve sports equipment in a way that gives an athlete an unfair or illegal competitive advantage.
• ‘Mom as a service’ – Software and online tools that provide services similar to the tasks performed by a mother.  Example: the three startups competing to deliver organic baby food.

The sun is not a gigantic ball of fire.  The sun has no oxygen, therefore there can be no fire as was originally believed to be true. Scientists believe it is actually a very large ball of hydrogen plasma, which produces energy by fusing light nuclei into heavier nuclei.
(That was my second guess…)


1930 [87] Clint Eastwood, San Francisco CA, movie director (Oscars-”Million Dollar Baby”, “Unforgiven”)/movie actor (“Dirty Harry”, “The Bridges of Madison County”)
1961 [56] Lea Thompson, Rochester, NY, movie actress (“Back To The Future”, “Caroline In The City” 1995-2000)
1965 [52] Brooke Shields, NYC, model/movie actress (“The Blue Lagoon”)/author (“Down Came the Rain”)/former TV actress (“Lipstick Jungle” 2008-09, “Suddenly Susan” 1996-2000)
1967 [50] Phil Keoghan, Lincoln, New Zealand, TV personality (“The Amazing Race” since 2001)
1976 [41] Colin Farrell, Dublin, Ireland, movie actor (“Total Recall”, “In Bruges”)
1980 [37] Andy Hurley, Menomonee Falls WI, rock drummer (Fall Out Boy–”Thnks fr th Mmrs”, “I Don’t Care”)
1991 [26] Farrah Abraham, Omaha, NE, reality star (“16 & Pregnant” , “Teen Mom”)
1996 [21] Normani Hamilton, Atlanta GA, pop singer (Fifth Harmony-“Work from Home”, Dancing With The Stars-Season 24)

• “Macaroon Day”, honoring those ooey-gooey coconut cookies that stick to your fillings.
• “Save Your Hearing Day”, something older people often advise younger people to do. But most don’t listen until they reach the point when they can’t.
• “Speak in Complete Sentences Day”, a good excuse to bring up our pet peeve about newscasters who write sentences without active verbs, ie: “Police searching for suspects in a kidnapping today.” NOT a complete sentence (ha!)
• “World No-Tobacco Day”, as declared by the UN’s World Health Organization to encourage people to kick their butts.

[Thurs] Flip A Coin Day
[Thurs] Go Barefoot Day
[Thurs] Moonshine Day
[Fri] Love My Dentist Day
[Fri] Leave The Office Early Day
[Fri] Doughnut/Donut Day

2000 [17] “Survivor” TV reality series debuts as a 3-month Summer show on CBS-TV (Richard, Rudy, Susan, Sean, Colleen, Kelly, Greg, and Gervase quickly become household names) Still going. (Strong?)

2014 [03] A Maserati car and an unspecified amount of jewelry are taken in a burglary at Miley Cyrus’ home in the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles

1976 [41] Guinness Record ‘Loudest Concert’ as The Who put out a total of 76,000 watts of power at 120 decibels (no wonder it’s “Save Your Hearing Day”. Pete Townshend should be poster boy!)


A few bon mots to help you get along with co-workers …
✓ “Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”
✓ “I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.”
✓ “What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?”
✓ “I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.”
✓ “Oh pardon me. I was distracted by visualizing duct tape over your mouth.”
✓ “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
✓ “No, I can’t help you with that. My powers can only be used for good.”
✓ “You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.”
✓ “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.”
✓ “How about never?  Is never good for you?”
– Adapted from

☎ What is the best or funniest personalized license plate that you have seen?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Question: Ancient Romans are thought to have been the first to develop this wedding custom.  What?
Answer: Wearing a wedding ring.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands.  One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

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