BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Famous felon Lindsay Lohan is about to visit familiar territory as LAPD is sending a flimsy case involving an alleged hit-and-run to the LA County DA’s office after the manager of the Hookah Lounge on Hollywood Blvd claimed Lindsay’s car struck him back in March and then left the scene of the accident (observers say the case has about as much merit as her acting career) . . . FOX-TV is set to debut a new show called “The Choice”, a celebrity dating game whose format spoofs NBC-TV’s singing competition “The Voice” (ouch, someone’s looking for payback for the “American Idol” wounding!) . . . 20-year-old “Twilight Saga” star Taylor Lautner has reportedly rekindled his romance with 19-year-old ex-girlfriend Sara Hicks, who’s a Los Angeles Clippers cheerleader (“Give us an ‘S’!”) . . . According to leaked legal documents, 19-year-old Frances Bean Cobain has taken control of the rights to her late father Kurt Cobain’s name, likeness, and appearance from Courtney Love, at least until mommy pays back a 2-year-old loan from Frances’ trust fund (brilliant, she sold off most of the music and now she’s fumbled the rest of her gravy train) . . . And Ashton Kutcher may have made another dumb decision, portraying a Bollywood producer in a much-maligned new potato chip ad by donning ‘brown face’ and an over-the-top accent (harmless spoof or racist ethnic stereo-typing?).

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Beale Street Music Festival – Today-through-Sunday this 36th annual “Memphis in May” event in Memphis TN features Florence & The Machine, Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, Jane’s Addiction, Lupe Fiasco, My Morning Jacket, Wiz Khalifa, and many others.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight The Hives (“Lex Hives”, out June 5th). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Portugal. The Man (“In the Mountain In the Cloud”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Kathleen Edwards (“Voyageur”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Electric Guest (“Mondo”).
• “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction 2012” (HBO) – Saturday an edited version of the 27th annual ceremony recorded April 14th in Cleveland OH, featuring performances by The Faces, Guns ‘N Roses, and Red Hot Chili Peppers; and no-shows by Adam Yauch, Axl Rose, and Rod Stewart.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host NFL star Eli Manning (NY Giants); musical guest Rihanna (“Talk That Talk”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight James Morrison (“The Awakening”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today guest co-host Carnie Wilson (Wilson Phillips).

TV SEASON FINALÉS:
✓ “The Amazing Race” (CBS) – Sunday.
✓ “GCB” (ABC) – Sunday.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alanis Morissette – She’s releasing her first album in 4 years, “Havoc & Bright Lights”, on August 28th.
• Jack White – His solo debut, “Blunderbuss”, has become his 1st-ever #1 album as it has debuted atop the Nielsen SoundScan sales chart this week. That’s something he never accomplished with his bands The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, or The Dead Weather.
• Kings of Leon – Bassist Jared Followill just got engaged to his model-girlfriend Martha Patterson … with a giant 4-carat ring! (Good news, they’ll need to be making more music soon.)
• Lady Gaga – She’s reportedly broken up with Taylor Kinney, the hot guy on “The Vampire Diaries”, because she doesn’t have time for a relationship. (Mistake, girl. When fame is over, no one will be interested.)
• Van Halen – Today they’re offering the bonus 7-inch vinyl single “She’s A Woman” with all copies of their album “A Different Kind Of Truth” sold in independent record stores. (Wouldn’t this have made more sense on “Record Store Day”?)
• Whitney Houston – In his first interview since her death in February, her ex-husband Bobby Brown has told NBC-TV’s “Today” he was not responsible for her drug addiction, claiming he’d never touched narcotics until he met her. (Pants on fire!)

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Avengers” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Adventure ): Joss Whedon’s superhero call-to-arms is already a blockbuster outside North America (where it’s titled “Avengers Assemble”and has raked in $260 million+). This onscreen Marvel Comics convention includes Chris Evans (‘Captain America’), Chris Hemsworth (‘Thor’), Jeremy Renner (‘Hawkeye’), Mark Ruffalo (‘The Hulk’), Robert Downey Jr (‘Iron Man’), Scarlett Johansson (‘Black Widow’). Opened at midnight in select theaters.
NET: http://marvel.com/avengers_movie
• “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” ( PG-13 Dramedy ): British retirees travel to India to take up residence in what they believe is a newly-restored hotel. It’s far less luxurious than advertised, but nevertheless slowly begins to charm in unexpected ways. Stars Bill Nighy, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson. Sort of a date movie for prime-timers.
NET: http://www.thebestexoticmarigoldhotel.co.uk
• “LOL” ( PG-13 Limited Release Romantic Comedy ): Miley Cyrus stars in a story that’s perhaps less dramatic than her real-life growing pains. Writer-director Lisa Azuelos has remade her French film about a broken-hearted schoolgirl who is surprised when her best friend reveals his feelings for her. Co-stars Ashley Greene, Demi Moore, Douglas Booth.
NET: http://www.lol-themovie.com

HOW LOUD IS TOO LOUD?
The American Speech-Language Hearing Association offers these guidelines …
• It’s too loud if you must raise your voice to be heard.
• It’s too loud if you have difficulty understanding someone who’s an arm’s length away.
• It’s too loud if you have pain, ringing, or buzzing in your ears after exposure to it.
• It’s too loud if speech seems muffled or dull after noise exposure.
(It’s too loud if it’s a concert by any band that begins with ‘The …’.)
– “Dallas Morning News”

OSAMA BIN FOUND:
California treasure-hunter Bill Warren claims he’s located the body of Osama Bin Laden, which was buried at sea by the US Navy to prevent creation of a martyr’s shrine. Warren claims the cadaver is in the Arabian Sea, 200 miles west of the Indian city of Surat. It’s remained at the same location deep underwater, he claims, because his body bag was weighted down. He’s now aiming to rent Russian deep-diving equipment and begin a recovery mission on June 1st. One small hangup .. he needs $200,000 to finance the operation. (He must be dreaming if he thinks Washington’s going to allow this to happen.)
– Gizmodo.com

WHERE EVIL LURKS:
In its latest ‘Internet Security Threat Report’, anti-virus vendor Symantec says that religious websites are riskier than adult websites when it comes to online viruses. So-called ‘drive-by attacks’, in which hackers booby-trap legitimate websites with malicious code, are found to be 3 times more common on websites with religious or ideological themes. Adult sites are ranked only 10th when it comes to overall threats. That may be because owners of those sites are making a ton of money and have a vested interest in keeping their sites malware-free. (Yeah, these are people known for their integrity.)
– Agence France-Presse

BS AMAZING FACT:
According to a new Harris Interactive poll, people who subscribe to digital services now spend an average of $166-a-month for cable or satellite TV, home Internet access, mobile phone service, and digital subscriptions. That’s the equivalent of 17% of their monthly rent or mortgage payment. ($1,992 … a luxury cruise vacation … 200 bottles of decent wine … a used Kia.)
– “Business Wire”

BS CHRONOMETER 05.04.12

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [61] Mick Mars (Robert Deal), Huntington IN, rock guitarist (Motley Crue-“If I Die Tomorrow”, “Dr Feelgood”)

1959 [53] Randy Travis (Traywick), Marshville NC, country singer (“I Told You So”, “Forever & Ever Amen”)

1970 [42] Will Arnett, Toronto ON, TV actor (“Up All Night” since 2011, “Arrested Development” 2003-06)/movie actor (“Semi-Pro”, “Blades of Glory”)

1972 [40] Mike Dirnt (Pritchard), Rodeo CA, rock bassist (Green Day-“Know Your Enemy”, “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams”)

1979 [33] Lance Bass, Laurel MS, former boy-band star (*NSYNC-“It’s Gonna Be Me”)  BS FACTOID: TMZ is reporting that he’s dropped 20-large on a 4-day birthday bash in the Caribbean for himself, his partner, and 10 pals.

1986 [26] Nate Novarro, Newnan GA, pop-rock drummer (Cobra Starship f/Sabi-“You Make Me Feel…”, f/Leighton Meester-“Good Girls Go Bad”)

SATURDAY –
Rock musician Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 64; TV anchor Brian Williams (“NBC Nightly News”) is 53; Pop singer-songwriter Adele (“Rolling In the Deep”) is 24; R&B singer Chris Brown (“Look At Me Now”) is 23.

SUNDAY –
Classic rocker Bob Seger (“Against the Wind”) is 67; TV host Tom Bergeron (“Dancing With the Stars”) is 57; Movie star George Clooney (“The Descendants”) is 51; Rock guitarist Chris Shiflett (Foo Fighters) is 41; Movie actress Gabourey Sidibe (“Precious”) is 29.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Aiken Lobster Race”, the 28th running of the world’s only ‘thoroughbred lobster’ derby, scuttles in Aiken, South Carolina. The Kentucky Derby spoof-race features live Maine lobsters.
NET: http://bit.ly/HtKpTm
• “Canadian Tulip Festival” through May 21 in Canada’s Capital Region of Ottawa-Gatineau. The world’s largest tulip festival is a direct result of the gift of 100,000 tulip bulbs from Holland’s Princess (later Queen) Juliana in 1945 as thanks for providing her a home during WWII.
NET: http://www.tulipfestival.ca
• “International Firefighters’ Day”, to recognize the efforts of those brave hearts who risk their lives to keep us safe. (And what women consistently pick in polls as ‘Sexiest Profession’.)
NET: http://www.firefightersday.org
• “International Tuba Day”, observed annually on the 1st Friday of May to celebrate the musical instrument that seems to get no respect, and to recognize tubists around-the-world who struggle with the ‘weight and size of their instrument’.
• “No Pants Day”, a participatory holiday on the 1st Friday in May, when everyone, be they students, business people, or community leaders, are encouraged to leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, and briefs work as well. (Not to be confused with the annual “No Pants Subway Ride” in January.)
• “Relationship Renewal Day”, a day to forget the old problems and celebrate the relationship making it through yet another year. Couples are encouraged to congratulate one another … and each other.
• “Respect For Chickens Day”, promoting compassionate and respectful treatment of domestic fowl. Advocacy group United Poultry Concerns argues that we should celebrate the beauty and dignity of chickens and protest the bleakness of their lives in farming operations.
NET: http://www.upc-online.org

SATURDAY –
• “Cinco de Mayo”, a Mexican holiday commemorating the 1862 victory over French troops at the Battle of Puebla. Mexicans everywhere celebrate with parades and fiestas. That’s likely the reason today is also called “Totally Chipotle Day”, a celebration of the smoked jalapeno pepper.
• “Free Comic Book Day”, the first Saturday in May each year, when participating comic book shops around-the-world give away comic books absolutely free to anyone who comes in.
NET: http://www.freecomicbookday.com
• “Homebrew Day”, honoring all the intrepid amateur brewers who make their own booze in the basement.
NET: http://bit.ly/IF4kw8
• “Kentucky Derby”, the 138th ‘Run For the Roses’ in Louisville, Kentucky. It’s the first jewel in the ‘Triple Crown’ of thoroughbred horseracing in America.
NET: http://www.kentuckyderby.com
• “International Midwives Day”, observed since 1991 in over 50 nations worldwide to recognize and honor these healthcare professionals who are experts in women’s reproductive health.
NET: http://mana.org/IntMidDay.html

SUNDAY –
• “Flower Moon”, the Full Moon of May, so-named for the abundant flowers during this time. Other names include the ‘Corn Planting Moon’, and the ‘Milk Moon’.
• “International No Diet Day”, created in 1992 by Mary Evans Young, director of the British group ‘Diet Breakers’. After personally experiencing anorexia, she began working to help people appreciate the body they have.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/c4kwbx
• “Nurses Week” begins, celebrated each year May 6-to-12 surrounding the birth date of Florence Nightingale. The US observes “National Nurses Day” today while “International Nurses Day” is May 12th.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1927 [85] The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences is founded in Hollywood (the Oscar people)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1990 [22] In an interview, David Bowie’s ex-wife, Angie (namesake of the Rolling Stones song), claims she once walked in on her ex and Stones frontman Mick Jagger having sex

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1968 [44] 1st McDonald’s ‘Big Mac’ is served (2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Accountants Day
[Mon] Melanoma Monday
[Tues] No Socks Day
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Receptionists Day
[Wed] School Nurse Day
This Week Is … Be Kind to Animals Week
This Month Is … Good Car Keeping Month

BULL’S BITS

BS BEEMER BUFFOONS:
People who drive BMWs are a breed (entire species?) apart. Some of the annoying things they do …
• Never slow down to let you merge; always speed up so you can’t pass.
• When parking on the street, laboriously take time to put a cover on their car.
• Incapable of giving either the “I’m sorry” wave or the “thank-you” nod.
• Park on an angle to take up 2 spaces in a parking spot because their paint-job is more important than your convenience.
• Speed up in the right lane to tailgate a semi, then cut over into the left lane nearly causing an accident.
• Never ever just say ‘my car’, always must qualify their ride as ‘my BMW’.
• Inexplicable desire to blast stereo and sing along with the Dave Matthews Band.
– Adapted from TheToiletPaper.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
It’s always darkest just before … you step on the cat.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: Whenever you see or hear THIS number, you should always add 9 to it.
Answer: A woman’s weight. (Most are 9 lbs heavier on average that what they admit.)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
In the race for quality, there is no finish line.