Monday, May 9, 2011        Edition: #4501
Get Your BS Here, Hot ‘n Fresh!

• Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino’s reps have confirmed he’s finished the script for his 8th film, “Django Unchained”, a ‘spaghetti Western’ that may feature Will Smith in the lead role as a freed slave trained to become an assassin. The film pays homage to Italian director Sergio Corbucci’s original “Django” and Japanese filmmaker Takashi Miike’s “Sukiyaki Western Django”. Tarantino has promised it will be released before “Kill Bill: Vol 3”, which is due in 2014. (Wouldn’t you rather see a “Pulp Fiction” sequel?)
• Show biz impresario Simon Cowell is apparently never returning to the UK version of “The X Factor” according to his friend, actress/singer Sinitta. She says he’s informed Britain’s ITV he will not sit on the judging/mentoring panel for the new season of the singing contest as he’s too busy launching a new version in the US and he’ll be staying in America indefinitely. (Brits cheer!)
– “Daily Star Sunday”
• Actor Johnny Depp reveals that he injured his back doing a stunt on the set of “Pirates Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” and ended up with ‘a bad sciatic situation’. He spent more than 3 weeks in agony but kept on shooting even though he was limping around. After its premiere at the “Cannes Film Festival”, the film opens wide May 20th. (You know you’re getting to be an old pirate when you’re limping and don’t even have a peg leg.)
– “Hollywood Reporter”
• Eva Longoria, Nicole Richie, and Selma Blair were among celebs who gathered Saturday at a baby shower for Spice Girl-turned-fashion designer Victoria Beckham. Hollywood’s Butterfly Bar was decorated with pink tablecloths and pink blossoms for the English garden-themed party. Attendees say Beckham wanted everything pink because she’s so excited about finally having a baby girl. (She previously hatched 3 boys in-a-row.)
• Meantime, prolific pop David Beckham & his son Brooklyn were involved in a car accident on the 405 freeway near Torrence, California on Friday. Beckham was driving his Cadillac Escalade when it rear-ended a stalled Mitsubishi in the car-pool lane. Neither he nor his 12-year-old son were injured but the other driver was taken to hospital, complaining of neck pain. (“That was David Beckham that hit me? Oh, my neck!”)
• And “The Family Corleone”, a prequel to the late Mario Puzo’s best-selling novel “The Godfather”, is scheduled to be published in 2012, written by author Ed Falco but based on an unproduced screenplay by Puzo himself. (The book goes back to the early days, when the head was still on the horse.)
– QMI Agency

• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Lupe Fiasco (“Lasers”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Amos Lee (“Mission Bell”).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The remaining contestants perform.
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Shania Twain (“From This Moment On”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Wiz Khalifa (Rolling Papers”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Soundtrack of Our Lives (“Origin Vol 2”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Ziggy Marley (this week the show celebrates the music of Bob Marley on the 30th anniversary of the reggae icon’s death).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Jonny Lang (“Live At the Ryman”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/A Channel) – Shania Twain (“Why Not? With Shania Twain”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Jennifer Lopez (“Love?”); BC Jean (“Just a Guy”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Vegas entertainers Donny & Marie Osmond.

• Beyoncé – She’s released a cover of “God Bless the USA”, with proceeds going to the New York Police & Fire Widows’ & Children’s Benefit Fund.
• Chris Brown – He celebrated his 22nd birthday twice: Friday night at Club Play in Miami Beach with Lil Wayne; and Saturday night in Las Vegas.
• Lady Gaga – She says her “Judas” video is not meant to be an attack on religion, and the only controversial thing about it is she’s wearing Christian Lacroix and Chanel in the same frame.
• Paul McCartney – His rep has confirmed he’s engaged to his 17-years-younger American girlfriend Nancy Shevell. No wedding date has been announced. The pair began dating 4 years ago.
• Taylor Swift – She’s selling tickets to the final rehearsal for the North American leg of her “2011 Speak Now Tour” May 21st in Nashville TN. Proceeds will go to tornado relief efforts in the US Southeast. (You know you’re hot when people will pay to watch a rehearsal.)
• Tim McGraw – Tonight he & wife Faith Hill are among celebs participating in a reading of the comedy “The Merry Wives of Windsor” to celebrate the 25th anniversary of UCLA’s Shakespeare Center in Los Angeles. Top ticket is $175. (Can you picture Tim in tights?)
• Toby Keith – During his recently concluded 9th USO tour he traveled 20,000 miles to 11 different bases to perform for 18,000 service members. He also signed about 6,000 photos.

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … the best time to apply antiperspirant is at bedtime, when it has time to be better absorbed. (These people have never been in the dressing room at the Y.)
– “Fitness Magazine”
• Scientists say … chimps playing a videogame can apparently recognize which characters they control, a feature of self-awareness that could shed light on the evolution of humans. (How embarrassing to lose at Halo 3 to a monkey!)
• Scientists say … people who believe in a loving, compassionate God are more likely to cheat than those who believe in an angry, punitive God. (Seems hell is a helluva deterrent.)
– “Los Angeles Times”
• Scientists say … using a chainsaw for 1 hour creates more air pollution than driving a new car for 63 hours. (“Fast Five” was more environmentally friendly than “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.)

An analysis of 15,000 Harlequin books has found that the following are the most popular professions for heroes in romance novels …
5. Rancher
4. Prince
3. Boss
2. Cowboy
1. Doctor

Over the past month, 3 mega-events at the Empire Polo Grounds in Indio, California raked in  a combined gross of more than $38 million and an aggregate attendance over 380,000, according to promoter Goldenvoice. A peak at the final numbers …
• “Coachella Music Festival”, April 17-19 … $23 million; 75,000 attendees each day.
• “Big 4 Festival” (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, Anthrax), April 23 …  $5.5 million; 49,400 fans.
• “Stagecoach Country Music Festival”, April 30-May 1 … $10 million; 55,000 paid per day.

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 90% of us have window curtains. (So 10% are flashers?)
• 78% of us say we would NEVER serve fruitcake at a wedding. (Or invite one.)
• 60% of women say they are more likely to fall for a guy who uses light hearted one-liners. (Jay Leno must be one lucky guy.)
• 55% of male Facebook users do NOT remove a girlfriend from their friend list after a breakup. (Having a ‘list’ of one is too embarrassing.)
• 20% of women say they’ll never toss their wedding dress. (In case they need it again?)
• 15% of guys wish their girlfriend would play more videogames & watch TV sports on weekends. (Why not just date another guy?)

• 88% of all laundry in family households is done by moms. On average, this totals 330 loads of laundry and 5,300 articles of clothing each year.
• NYC taxis used to be red & green but in 1907 they were all repainted yellow in order to be visible from a distance.
– “Daily Telegraph”

“The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.”
– Abraham Lincoln


1946 [65] Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills CA, TV actress (“Boston Legal” 2005-08, 4 Emmy Awards-“Murphy Brown” 1988-98)/movie actress (“Bride Wars”, “Miss Congeniality”)

1949 [62] Billy Joel, Bronx NY, oldies singer (“Just the Way You Are”, “My Life”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1999)/rehab veteran

1962 [49] David Gahan, North Weald UK, electronica singer/songwriter (Depeche Mode-“Wrong”, “Enjoy the Silence”)

1965 [46] Steve Yzerman, Cranbrook BC, NHL General Manager (Tampa Bay Lightning)/Team Canada exec (2010 Winter Olympics, 2008 World Hockey Championship)/former NHL star (3 Stanley Cup Championships-Detroit Red Wings)

1971 [40] Mike Myerson, Huntsville AL, country musician (Heartland-“I Loved Her First”)

1979 [32] Pierre Bouvier, Montréal QC, rock singer (Simple Plan-“How Could This Happen to Me?”, “Welcome to My Life”)

1979 [32] Rosario Dawson, NYC, movie actress (“Unstoppable”, “Sin City”)

1985 [26] Audrina Patridge, Placentia CA, reality TV personality (“Audrina” 2011, “Dancing With the Stars” 2010, “The Hills” 2006-10)/B-film actress (“Sorority Row”, “Into the Blue 2”)

• “Accounting Day”, an annual observance to promote the profession and provide an opportunity for networking among accountants in public practice, industry, and government.

• “Lost Sock Memorial Day”, a day to remember those singular hose that went into the washing machine or dryer never to return. (Play “Taps” for them?)

• “Small Business Day”. A small business is defined as one with fewer than 100 employees. (Many of today’s small businesses used to be big businesses.)

1987 [24] Actor Tom Cruise marries actress Mimi Rogers (wife #1 lasts just 3 years, apparently inspiring little couch-jumping)

1960 [51] 1st public sale of ‘Contraceptive Pills’ (immediately leading to the obligatory dating question, “Are you on the pill?”)

1997 [14] 1st graduate from 1st university operating entirely online (you can bet that ‘Virtual Diploma’ from International University is now truly beyond worth!)

1984 [27] Chicago White Sox & Milwaukee Brewers finally finish an 8 hour, 6 minute game; longest-ever MLB game in elapsed time (Chicago wins 7-6 in 25th inning … on the 2nd day)

[Tues] Lupus Day
[Wed] Eat What You Want Day
[Wed] Donate a Day’s Wages to Charity
[Wed] School Nurse Day
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Receptionists Day
[Wed] Cannes Film Festival begins

Etiquette Week / Hospital Week / Nurses Week / Nursing Home Week / Reading is Fun Week / Salute to Moms 35+ Week / Stuttering Awareness Week / Tourism Week / Universal Family Week / Women’s Health Week


A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• All members of alien species wear the same outfits?
• Pedestrians are never hit when cars drive down a sidewalk in a chase scene?
• When someone knocks out someone else and steals their clothes, they’re always a flawless fit?
• Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower?
• Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners?
• Whenever someone looks through binoculars, you see 2 joined circles instead of 1?
• Women always fight other women by pulling hair, then fall to the ground together and roll over twice?
– First published in “BS” 2001

When you fill out a form asking for age or weight, do you lie? (According to a “Men’s Health” poll, 73% of men & 85% of women will tell you they weigh less than they actually do.)

• Childhood – The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
• Jeans – Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being zits.
• Lottery – The equivalent of betting that the next Pope will be from Mars, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
• Orgasm – The punchline women just don’t get, mostly because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
• Shallowness – The root cause of high school popularity, appearance on best-seller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news shows.

More men mow than vacuum because they think it’s cool to cut stuff down but don’t see the point of picking stuff up.

One of the following statements is total BS, which one?
1. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
2. Catfish have no taste buds. [BS]
3. Starfish don’t have brains.

What is the name of that groove on your top lip that lies just beneath your nose?
a. Phalanx.
b. Philtrum [CORRECT]
c. Rut.
– “Magazine Monitor”

Today’s Question: According to automobile association stats, THIS has increased 18% since the beginning of March.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Drivers running out of gas. (AAA)

Thrift is a wonderful virtue, especially in our ancestors.

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