Tuesday, November 29, 2005        Edition: #3169
Get Your BS Here, Hot ‘N Fresh!

TONIGHT former Russian president Mikhail Gorbachev (!!!) hosts the 2nd annual “Women’s World Awards” in Leipzig, Germany which are presented to ‘extraordinary women for their admirable achievements’, including French actress Catherine Deneuve for ‘Lifetime Achievement in the Arts’, and also (???) “Desperate Housewives” star Teri Hatcher (for returning to the limelight from obscurity … or something) . . . TONIGHT Barbara Walters hosts her 12th annual “10 Most Fascinating People” special on ABC-TV, a list that includes Tom Cruise, Lance Armstrong, Kanye West and – oh oh, here she is again – Teri Hatcher . . . All lathered up over “American Idol 5″ (debuting JANUARY 17th), judge Paula Abdul says she’s ‘excited about the male talent’ (which has probably caused at least one FOX-TV exec to have a stroke) . . . Soon-to-be-single Nick Lachey is developing a sitcom for the WB in which he’d play a famous baseball player trying to handle – a new marriage (they could call it “Newlyweds”) . . . If that’s not a dumb enough premise for you, NBC-TV  weatherman Al Roker is developing a sitcom called “Meet the Rokers”, about a father of 2 who works as – a TV weatherman (they could call it “The Today Show”) . . . Movie star Nicole Kidman & country singer boyfriend Keith Urban may not have officially stepped out as a couple, but they are rumored to be getting married early NEXT YEAR (can they beat Renée & Kenny’s 4-month record?) . . . “Newsweek” movie critic Devin Gordon, who has scored the first sneak peek at “King Kong” (opening DECEMBER 14th) and an exclusive interview with its director Peter Jackson, says the $207-million blockbuster is a ‘surprisingly tender, even heartbreaking, film’ (is that what he promised in order to score the exclusive?) . . . And 79-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner says he’s thinned his ‘herd’ of girlfriends down to just 3 (32-year-old Bridget, 25-year-old Holly, and 20-year-old Kendra) because previously there were ‘rivalries & petty jealousies’ (after all, what girl wouldn’t want to sleep with a wrinkled, old Viagra addict in a dumpy red bathrobe?).

• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she does the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Dave Matthews Band – TODAY their CD/DVD package “Weekend On The Rocks” is released, featuring highlights from their 4-show stand at Colorado’s Red Rocks Amphitheater in SEPTEMBER.
• INXS – TODAY their new album “Switch” is released, with “Rock Star: INXS” winner JD Fortune as lead singer. It features the single “Pretty Vegas”.
• Madonna – She’s matched Elvis Presley’s record of 36 Top 10 hits as her new single, “Hung Up”, has already reached #7 on the “Billboard” ‘Hot 100′ chart.
• Paul McCartney – After viewing video of dogs and cats being killed for their fur, he says he’ll never to return to China. He had been planning to attend the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.
• Reba McEntire – TODAY she guests on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.    
• Rod Stewart – After years of negotiations, his divorce from model Rachel Hunter has at last been finalized, just in time for his expected new baby with girlfriend Penny Lancaster, due in DECEMBER. They plan to wed NEXT YEAR. Rod has 6 children from previous relationships.

• “Mr & Mrs Smith” (Action Comedy – DVD): Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie play a bored married couple who discover that they are both undercover assassins but working for competing organizations. Things get complicated when they’re hired to knock off each other. Earned over $400 million in worldwide box office. Interesting that Nicole Kidman was originally cast as ‘Mrs Smith’. Had that happened,  Pitt & Jolie might never have hooked up, sparing us from a gazillion paparazzi photos and tabloid stories.
• “March of the Penguins” (Documentary – DVD): Chronicles the amazing annual journey of Emperor Penguins as they march, single file, to their traditional breeding ground. An awe-inspiring, all-age, nature tale touched with humor and thrills. The French production has become the 2nd-highest grossing theatrical documentary, after “Fahrenheit 9/11″.
• “Sky High” (Disney Family – DVD): The story of a secret school in the clouds for kids with super-human powers going through crime-fighting puberty. The student body is divided into ‘Heroes’ and ‘Sidekicks’ instead of jocks and geeks. Stars Kurt Russell, Kelly Preston, and former TV “Wonder Woman” Lynda Carter.
• “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” (Comedy – DVD): Rob Schneider returns in this lame sequel about prosti-dudes, going ‘undercover’ overseas when his former pimp (Eddie Griffin) is implicated in the murders of some of Europe’s greatest gigolos. Dumbest movie ever made?
• “Rocked: Sum 41 In Congo” (Music Documentary – DVD): Details the rock band’s harrowing experiences in Africa.

A German beermaker has devised a new way of tapping into the female market by producing a beer called ‘Karla’, which according to its claims, does everything from calming the mind to preventing cancer. The brewer says the beer is good for you thanks to its mix of hops and herbs, and other health-boosting ingredients like folic acid, lecithin soya extract and vitamins. So why is it targeted at women? Perhaps due to its low alcohol content – just 1%. (Slightly less than cough syrup.)
– “The Telegraph”

A man’s sex drive is lowered whenever his favorite sports team loses.

The next time you complain about your kids not eating their greens, think back to whether you had the right kind of food during pregnancy. Researchers have now found that flavors experienced in the womb and later in mothers’ milk may have a significant influence on what children are willing to eat. A study by nutritionist Dr Julie Mennella from the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia shows that the experience of food eaten by pregnant women and new mothers is directly transmitted to their fetuses and infants. (If this were true, every kid would be craving ice cream … with pickles.)
– WebMD

Brit pop star Robbie Williams has set a new “Guinness World Record” by selling more than 1.6 million tickets for his 2006 world tour … in a single day. The previous record of 1 million was held by *NSYNC.

• Angelica Mazua, a statuesque Angolan facing international drug smuggling charges, has been voted ‘Miss Penitentiary 2005′ in a contest pitting 40 female inmates from 10 prisons around Sao Paulo, Brazil’s largest city. (First prize is being assaulted by the inmate of your choice.)
• Be prepared for flight delays if you’re flying over Scandinavia in DECEMBER. Norwegian airspace in particular will be clogged as some 600,000 passengers on 250 regularly-scheduled charter flights make the annual pilgrimage to – ‘Santa’s Village’. Most of the tourists to the attraction on the Arctic Circle in Finland come from Britain. As many as 30 extra flights per hour cause problems for regular airlines. (Santa is Finnish? No wonder he has herring breath.)
• A 15-year-old girl in Jonquière, Québec is believed to have died as a result of – her boyfriend’s kiss. The teen suffered from anaphylaxis, a severe allergy to peanuts, and it’s since been discovered that before the fatal kiss her boyfriend had eaten – peanut butter. (How long before this storyline hits “CSI”?)
• In Greece, 4 police patrol cars took more than an hour to catch a gang of teenage thieves who had escaped on a – donkey cart. Cops from the town of Patras say they were unable to keep up with the donkey, because the boys steered it down the ancient town’s winding streets and narrow alleys. (Wasn’t this in a ‘James Bond’ movie?)

A new Australian survey of over 130,00 people finds that the majority of women spend about 20 minutes per day fixing their hair, as compared to the majority of men who spend less than 5 minutes. Only 2% of women say they’ve NEVER had a bad hair day, compared to 16% of men. (Coincidentally, about 16% of men are bald as a bowling ball.)
– “Social Studies”

 “It can take up to 100 chinchillas to make one coat and Jennifer Lopez has one made of 80 of them, all killed by electrocution or having their necks snapped.”
– Pop singer Natalie Imbruglia, telling “Cosmopolitan” magazine what a ‘furderer’ Jennifer Lopez is.

A team of researchers from the US & Australia is being funded to the tune of $750,000 to try and discover how – rumors spread. University of Wyoming associate professor Martin Bourgeois says we already know that anxious people are more prone to spread a rumor, and that negative rumors get passed more quickly than positive ones. But, so far, no one can predict the transfer of rumors at the group level, often called ‘urban legends’. That info, he says, would be beneficial to large corporations and government agencies. (As REALLY cheap advertising.)
– “NY Daily News”

Among the top innovations of the year 2005, “Time” magazine has selected a  bicycle with a hydrogen-powered fuel-cell engine, a one-time-use video camcorder, and a robotic cat that recognizes speech commands. But the overall top ‘invention’ is said to be ‘Snuppy’, the first cloned dog. The hi-tech pooch was derived from a single cell taken from the ear of an adult Afghan at Seoul National University in Korea. (Then eaten for lunch.)
– “Time”


1932 [73] Jacques Chirac, Paris, France, President of France since 1995

1940 [65] Denny Doherty, Halifax NS, oldies singer (The Mamas & the Papas-“California Dreamin’”)

1954 [51] Joel Coen, Minneapolis MN, movie director/screenwriter (Coen Bros-“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, “Fargo”)/brother of film-making partner Ethan Coen/married to actress Frances McDormand since 1984

1955 [50] Howie Mandel, Toronto ON, TV game show host (“Deal or No Deal”, debuting DECMBER 19th)/stand-up comedian/sometime movie & TV actor

1961 [44] Tom Sizemore, Detroit MI, movie actor (“Black Hawk Down”) who, even though he failed a court-ordered drug test & was ordered into rehab a 2nd time, managed to make 7 films in 2005

1964 [41] Don Cheadle, Kansas City MO, movie actor (“Hotel Rwanda”, “Ocean’s Eleven”)

1981 [24] Ringo Garza, San Angelo TX, pop drummer (Los Lonely Boys-“Heaven”, winner of 2005 Grammy Award for ‘Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Duo or Group’)

• “Canadian Urban Music Awards” at the Kool Haus in Toronto features performances by Jully Black, Divine Brown, and Ginuwine. Being taped for TV to air DECEMBER 21st.
NET: http://www.umac.ca/cuma.html

• “Electronic Greetings Day”. Another excuse to junk up other people’s e-mail, page messaging, voicemail, etc with useless chaff you’d never think of writing down on a piece of paper and buying a stamp to send.

• “Square Dance Day”. So swing your partner ‘round and ‘round, pick ‘er on up and throw ‘er on the ground. Yee haw!

2001 [04] George Harrison of The Beatles dies of cancer in LA at age 58

1775 [230] 1st ‘Invisible Ink’ invented by Sir James Jay (but how can we be sure?)

1924 [81] 1st NHL game at the old Montréal Forum (Canadiens 7, Leafs 1)

1934 [71] 1st traditional ‘Thanksgiving Day NFL Game’ in Detroit (and the tradition of losing begins as Chicago Bears beat Lions 19-16)

1936 [69] An Iowa father and son marry sisters, making the son his father’s brother-in-law; he also becomes brother-in-law and step-son to his father’s wife; his father’s wife becomes both her sister’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law; his own wife is his step-mother’s sister, sister-in-law, and daughter-in-law

[Wed] International Computer Security Day
[Wed] St Andrew’s Day (Scotland)
[Wed] Stay Home Because You Are Well Day
[Thurs] World AIDS Day
[Thurs] Day Without Art
[Sat] 2005 Vanier Cup (Hamilton)
This Week Is … Travelers with Disabilities Week
This Month Is … Stamp Collecting Month


• “Flask Concealment 101″
• “Placing Finger BESIDE Nose as Opposed to IN It”
• “How to Get Rid of Pee on the Knee”
• “Things Santa Never Says” (“Touch my beard and I’ll put the hurt on you!”, “Off my lap, tubby!”, “Dream on, peewee!”, or perhaps “You’ve been bad and now you’re going down, punk!”)
• “Snowy White Beard? Yes. Snowy White Nose Hair? No.”
• “How to Fill Out a Bank Loan for Xbox 360”

• Call in if you have the same name as a famous person. How has it affected your life? (Check the phone book for famous names and pre-record some primers.)
• What would you do with a slave for a day? Get a pedicure? Massage? Have your toilet cleaned? Pick a winner and have your intern perform the chores the next day.

• My mind works like lightning … one brilliant flash and it’s gone.
• I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was really relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.

• Feed me and I live, give me a drink and I die. What am I? [Fire]
• Walk on them living and they don’t even mumble, but walk on them dead and they mutter and grumble. What are they? [Leaves]
• There are 10 flies are on the table. With one swat, you kill 3. How many are left on the table? [The 3 squished ones. The rest would fly away immediately.]

Today’s Question: The proper length for THIS is even with the inside of the wrist.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A walking cane, measured from the floor up.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

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