Thursday, November 17, 2005              Edition: #3161
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT HBO’s inaugural “Comedy Festival” launches in Las Vegas, with over 50 comics showcased over 3 days, including Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Dennis Miller, George Carlin & George Lopez . . . 42-year-old Matthew Houbrick, a producer on FOX-TV’s hit series “Prison Break” has been found dead in a Chicago hotel room, with a lot of white powder scattered about (Boy George was visiting?) . . . “Survivor” is being watched by fewer people than last season but the show has actually become more dominant in its time slot, now with more than double the audience of competing shows (isn’t it about time to put “Joey” out of its misery?) . . . Canadian filmmaker David Cronenberg (“The Fly”) will receive the lifetime achievement ‘Bronze Horse Award’ at Sweden’s “Stockholm International Film Festival” which kicks off TONIGHT (at 7.3 kg or 16 lbs, it’s touted as the world’s heaviest award) . . . Meantime, Cronenberg has agreed to make a miniseries for HBO based on his thriller “Dead Ringers”, the 1998 film that starred Jeremy Irons as identical twin doctors . . . Actress Halle Berry is replacing Madonna as the new face of Versace (maybe they’re tired of touching up the photos?) . . . Actress Jennifer Aniston has been named ‘Woman of the Year’ in “GQ” magazine’s annual ‘Man of the Year’ issue, almost as dumb as “Time” magazine’s nomination of ‘Mother Nature’ as ‘Person of the Year’ (remind us what Aniston did to earn this besides getting dumped?) . . . Actress Angelina Jolie’s estranged father, actor Jon Voight (“National Treasure”), is reportedly dating soul diva Diana Ross after they were introduced by Motown founder Berry Gordy Jr (just don’t let her drive, Jon!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Guitarist Joe Perry says the band will start work on a new studio recording in the Spring.
• Carrie Underwood – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
•  Christina Aguilera – Rumor has it she & Jordan Bratman will wed THIS WEEKEND. Her dress is reportedly by Christian Lacroix and bridesmaids will be wearing designs by Kai Milla, wife of Stevie Wonder.
• Pharrell Williams – TONIGHT he does “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Pink Floyd – TONIGHT Roger Waters’ opera about the French Revolution, “Ca Ira” [pronounced ‘sah-EAR-uh’], which means “There Is Hope”, debuts in Rome, Italy. The work is in English and French.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Canadians will see a different ending to “Pride & Prejudice” (now in limited release, opening wide NOVEMBER 23rd) than audiences in the UK, as Keira Knightley’s ‘Elizabeth Bennet’ & Matthew MacFadyen’s ‘Mr Darcy’ get hot ‘n heavy for an extra 8 minutes at the end of the story, an exhibition of uncharacteristic Victorian passion that British test audiences hated . . . “Schooled”, another comedy about high school is in the works, but this one’s a bit different – it’s from the teachers’ point-of-view . . . DreamWorks’ upcoming animated feature “Kung Fu Panda” will feature the voices of Jackie Chan, Dustin Hoffman & Jack Black . . . In “Moscow Zero”, Val Kilmer will play the leader of a band of homeless people living in the catacombs underneath Moscow; a psychological thriller co-starring Alicia Silverstone & Vincent Gallo . . . Dennis Haysbert (“24”) will co-star with Chris Cooper & Ryan Phillippe in the upcoming FBI thriller called “Breach” . . . Robert DeNiro is returning to familiar mob territory in “The Winter of Frankie Machine”, playing a mobster-turned-bait shop owner who decides to get back into the biz when he finds out he’s targeted for a hit . . . And Scarlett Johansson is in negotiations to star in an adaptation of the best-selling novel, “The Nanny Diaries”, the behind-the-scenes story of a nanny employed by a wealthy NYC family.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Katrina Cough’ – A new medical condition showing up among Gulf Coast residents, that’s believed to be linked to the mold and dust circulating in the air after Hurricane Katrina.
• ‘Swirling’ – Completing a higher education degree by taking classes at multiple institutions. Nearly half of today’s US college seniors ‘swirled’ their way toward a bachelor’s degree.

NEW WAY TO SHELL THE ENEMY:
A Russian scientist claims he can develop remote-control – turtles. Biologist Alexei Burikov of Rostov-on-Don State Pedagogical University says turtles can be trained to change direction by activating a vibrating device attached to their shells. What the heck for? Fitted with tiny cameras, turtles could be used to observe other wildlife in a way no human ever could. They could also be used for military reconnaissance, or to infiltrate an enemy and place bombs or recording devices. (“Any word from agent T-145?” “Not yet General, we expect it’ll be another 3 or 4 days before he crawls to the other side of the enemy supply road.”)
– “Globe & Mail”

TOP TOURISM DESTINATIONS:
The most-visited countries (and number of visitors annually) …
5. Italy (37,100,000)
4. China (41,800,000)
3. United States (46,100,000)
2. Spain (53,600,000)
1. France (75,100,000)
– World Tourism Organization (accumulated stats as of OCTOBER 2005)

DID YOU KNOW?
The world’s population is, on average, less than 65% happy.

SOCIAL STUDIES:
• A new study by a team of researchers in 6 countries has found that spanking and other forms of physical discipline are more likely to cause a child to become anxious and aggressive. (Like the old adage says, ‘Raise the rod and ruin the runt!’)
• A recent social experiment has come to the blindingly obvious conclusion that men give more money to charities when the person asking for money is a beautiful woman. (From the always amusing ‘Tell Us Something We Don’t Already Know’ wing of scientific research.)
• Studies show that if you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. But if you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck – and die. And, if you keep your eyes open by force during a sneeze, they can pop out! (So for the good of your health … let ‘er rip!)

SHE SAID IT:
“No woman likes her butt, and I don’t like mine.”      
– Stupormodel Gisele Bundchen. (Will someone please slap her?)

ROAMING CHARGES NOT INCLUDED:
The world’s most expensive cellphone is being made in Austria. Designed by luxury accessories maker Peter Aloisson, it will feature solid gold parts and an exterior covered with 2,950 natural blue diamonds, some of the rarest jewels on Earth. The one-of-a-kind special order for a German manufacturer is to be used for marketing purposes, but will eventually be sold off.
Estimated price tag – a shade over $850,000. (Plus a cheesy activation fee, of course.)
– Ananova
 
THE BULL SHEET 11.17.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [67] Gordon Lightfoot, Orillia ON, Canadian icon/pop/folk singer (“Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald”)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1986)/Canada’s Walk Of Fame (1998)/CCMA Hall Of Fame (2001)/Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame (2003)/Companion of the Order of Canada (2003)

1942 [63] Martin Scorsese, Queens NY, movie director (“The Aviator”, “GoodFellas”)  FACTOID: TOMORROW at the “Marrakech International Film Festival” in Morocco, he’s being honored with a retrospective of his work.

1944 [61] Danny DeVito, Asbury Park NJ, 5′-1″ movie actor (“Get Shorty”)/movie producer (“Erin Brockovich”)

1944 [61] Lorne Michaels (Lipowitz), Toronto ON, TV producer (“Saturday Night Live” since 1975, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” since 1993, “The Kids in the Hall”)/movie producer (“Mean Girls”)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)

1963 [42] Dylan Walsh, LA CA, TV actor (‘Sean McNamara’ on “Nip/Tuck” since 2003)

1977 [28] Aaron Lines, Fort McMurray AB, country singer (“Living Out Loud”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Great American Smokeout”, sponsored annually by the American Cancer Society to encourage smokers to quit for at least one day, in hopes they’ll quit for good.
NET: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PED/ped_10_4.asp
NET: http://www.quitsmoking.com/kopykit/reports/smokeout.htm

• “Homemade Bread Day”, when we’re all encouraged to bake a loaf from scratch. These days that means emptying an envelope into your automatic breadmaker and pushing the little red button. It’s a good day to get a bun in the oven!
• “National Farm Joke Day”, a day to have a chuckle about the rural lifestyle.
NET: http://www.cljones.com/jfarm.html
NET: http://www.basicjokes.com/dtitles.php?cid=77
• “Take A Hike Day”, which is either a day to enjoy the outdoors or to get out of someone’s face.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2000 [05] Actor Michael Douglas marries 24-years-younger actress Catherine Zeta-Jones in NYC

2002 [03] Michael Jackson briefly dangles his baby son Prince Michael II over a Berlin, Germany hotel balcony for fans waiting outside

2003 [02] Arnold Schwarzenegger is sworn in as the 38th Governor of California

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1958 [47] 13-year-old Brenda Lee releases “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, which goes on to become a holiday season classic

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1940 [65] 1st NFL team to travel by airplane (Green Bay Packers)

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] Married To A Scorpio Support Day
[Fri] “Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Video Game Awards (LA)
[Sat] 20th Gemini Awards Gala
[Sat] World Toilet Day
[Sun] Name Your PC Day
[Sun] National Child Day in Canada
[Mon] World Hello Day
This Week Is . . . Farm-City Week
This Month Is . . . Healthy Skin Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
ACTUAL BS TABLOID HEADLINES:

• “Evil Life-forms Ooze From Video Arcade as Demonic Electro-plasm Slime Terrorizes Town!”
• “Tornado Helps Family Move!”
• “Man Poses as CPR Dummy for Women’s Training Class!”
• “Alien Gas Causing Ozone Holes!”
• “Monsters Under Your Child’s Bed Are Real!”
• “New Supernatural Menace … Werepoodles!”
• “Dromedary of the Deep – Undersea Camels Discovered!”

FIND THE FAKE FLICK:
Just one of the following was not a real feature film …
1. “Werewolves on Wheels”
2. “King Kong Karate” [FAKE]
3. “Three Nuts in Search of a Bolt”

BS U-PICK TRIVIA
• What country is expected to be the world’s top tourist destination within 15 years?
a. Same as now … France.
b. China [CORRECT]
c. Iraq
(World Tourism Organization estimates China will be attracting 130 million annual visitors.)

• When is the best time to shave your legs?
a. When you’re sober.
b. After you’ve been out of bed at least 20 minutes. [CORRECT]
c. As soon as people start calling you by the nickname ‘Thatch’.
(“First” magazine says lying down causes water retention in your legs which prevents a close shave.)

• In Turkey, it is customary for a house guest to be met at the front door & given this to put on …
a. Clean underwear.
b. Cologne. [CORRECT]
c. A guest fez.
– “Disney Adventures”

BS BLATANT JOKE:
She didn’t want to marry him for his money … but she didn’t know how else to get it.

BS WEB GOODIES:
• Movie actress Elisha Cuthbert (“House of Wax”) is showing her Canadian roots, tossing up a blog about hockey on behalf of the NHL.
NET: http://www.nhl.com/blogcentral/cuthbert_blog.html
• Want to know how long you’re going to live? Try the online ‘Lifeline Calculator’ …
NET: http://channels.netscape.com/atplay/sergames.jsp?id=atplay_lifelinecalc

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is the world’s most translated author.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The late L Ron Hubbard, creator of Scientology. His works have been translated into 65 languages as of OCTOBER 2005. (AskMen.com)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Friends come and go, but relatives never leave.


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