Wednesday, November 2, 2005       Edition #3150
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT FOX-TV’s “That ’70s Show” returns for an 8th-season in a 1-hour premiere, the final season for Ashton Kutcher (Topher Grace has already left the show) . . . TONIGHT Catherine Zeta-Jones, Melissa Etheridge, Goldie Hawn & Venus Williams are among those being honored at the “Glamour Women of the Year” awards, celebrating inspiring women (honorees will also appear in the DECEMBER issue of “Glamour” magazine) . . . Martha Stewart is putting ‘Turkey Hill’, the Westport CT home she’s owned for over 30 years, up for sale – at a hefty $10 million . . . ABC-TV’s medical drama “Grey’s Anatomy” has been given the coveted time slot after “Super Bowl XL” on FEBRUARY 5th, normally the most-watched event of the TV season . . . Actors Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams, who met on the set of the upcoming movie “Brokeback Mountain”, have become first-time parents, with a new daughter dubbed ‘Matilda Rose’ (by Hollywood standards, that’s a dull name) . . . When NBC-TV’s gross-out show “Fear Factor” returns in DECEMBER, it will move to TUESDAY nights and include a multi-episode series of stunts by teams of reality TV ‘stars’ (here comes ‘Johnny Fairplay‘ yet again) . . . Actress Jennifer Aniston says she’ll never talk about her divorce from Brad Pitt again, because even she’s had enough of her ‘pity parties’ (what can we say but – hurray!) . . . Actors John Travolta & Tom Cruise were guests of honor as 7,000 guests showed up for the Church of Scientology’s annual gala at its World HQ in East Sussex UK (Cruise was presented the ‘Diamond Meritorious Award’ for donating some $3.6 million to the cult … er … church) . . . And according to an article  in the upcoming issue of “Playboy” magazine, movie legend Marilyn Monroe was planning to re-marry baseball great Joe DiMaggio, with the rings & wedding gown already picked out, but the planned wedding date instead turned out to be – the day of her funeral.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alicia Keys – TONIGHT she’s on “Late Show With David Letterman” on CBS-TV.
• Arcade Fire – TONIGHT they top the list of nominees for the 2nd-annual “mtvU Woodie Awards”, honoring artists favored by college audiences, which are being handed out at NYC’s Roseland Ballroom.
• David Gray – TONIGHT he guests on “Last Call With Carson Daly” on NBC-TV.
• Dwight Yoakam – TONIGHT he appears on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Kenny Chesney – A giant billboard measuring 46-ft-tall & 21-ft-wide is being erected over NYC’s Times Square to promote next TUESDAY’s release of his new album “The Road & the Radio”. For the first, time Kenny will be standing tall! He’s just 5-ft, 6-inches in real life.
• Neil Young – TONIGHT he’s on NBC-TV’s “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Terri Clark – TODAY she does ABC-TV’s daytime gabfest “The View”.

SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES:
New international climate data show that 2005 is on track to be the ‘Hottest Year on Record’. Climatologists at NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Studies calculated the record-breaking global average, which now surpasses 1998′s record by a fraction of a degree, from readings taken at 7,200 weather stations around-the-world.
– “Buffalo News”

DID YOU KNOW?
• Men are more likely than women to take time off work when suffering colds and flu. A survey of some 600 employees finds that 1 in 3 men take ‘sickies’, compared to just 1 in 5 women.
• New stats from tax returns show that Canadians donated a record $6.9 billion to charities LAST YEAR.
• The search for uninterrupted, refreshing sleep has become an American obsession, reports “Philadelphia Inquirer”. In just 10 years, the number of ‘Certified Sleep Clinics’ in the USA has nearly tripled to 883 THIS YEAR, with many more on the way.

UNDERGROUND CITY FOR SALE:
What’s been nicknamed ‘Cold War City’, a massive subterranean complex in Wiltshire UK, built in the 1950s to house Britain’s cabinet and 4,000 civil servants in the event of a Soviet nuclear attack, is being listed for sale. It covers 240 acres, has 60 miles of roads, its own railway station, and even a pub called the ‘Rose & Crown’ – 120ft underground! It’s also the most underpopulated town in the UK, inhabited only by 4 maintenance personnel. Estimated value – circa $9 million. (What would you do with it? World’s largest wine cellar?)
– “Times of London”

BEST IN SHOWS:
“Total Film” magazine’s new poll of 15,000 movie fans, picks the following as the best of 2005 …
• Best Movie – “Batman Begins”.
• Best Actor – Mickey Rourke, “Sin City”.
• Best Child Actor – Dakota Fanning, “War of the Worlds”.
• Villain of the Year – Ian McDiarmid, ‘Supreme Chancellor Palpatine’ in “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”.
• Best Movie Animals – The nut-eating squirrels in “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory”.
– “eTalk Daily”

WHAT WOMEN WANT:
Single women out-spend single men on new cars (by double), sugary junk food, fats and oils, and, not surprisingly, clothes, shoes, dry cleaning and jewelry. (You can’t REALLY understand how  women outspend men – until you marry one.)
– “Demographics” magazine

ANATOMY OF A BULLY:
A recent study finds that juvenile delinquents have heartbeats that are slower by an average of 9 beats a minute, and ‘sweat rates’ 3 times slower than non-delinquents. (That’s why the school bully could kick your ass without even breaking a sweat.)
– “American Journal of Psychiatry”

SIMPLER IS BETTER:
A new study published in the recent issue of “Applied Cognitive Psychology” has found that writers who use long words needlessly and choose complicated font styles are seen as less intelligent than those who stick with basic vocabulary and plain text. According to Princeton University researchers, efforts to impress readers by using florid font styles and searching through a thesaurus may actually have the opposite effect. (To which we say: indubitably.)
– ANI Health & Science

WEDDED BLISS:
According to recent polling, seniors who are married are far more likely to eat breakfast, wear seatbelts and not smoke, leading to longer, healthier lives. (Also more likely to say things like, “47 years! 47 years I put up with you!”)
– “Social Studies”

2005′s TOP-EARNING DEAD CELEBS:
5. Kids’ author Theodor ‘Dr Seuss’ Geisel – $10 million.
4. Avant garde artist Andy Warhol – $16 million.
3. Singer/songwriter/former Beatle John Lennon – $22 million.
2. “Peanuts” cartoonist Charles Schulz – $35 million.
1. Legendary singer Elvis Presley – $45 million.
– “Forbes” magazine

GUT REACTION:
According to new University of Texas research, liars can be caught by monitoring – their stomachs. Current polygraph tests mostly monitor heart activity, which can be affected by nervousness and many other factors, such as hormones. The gut, on the other hand, has its own nervous system that acts independently. A newly-developed test measures stomach ‘beats’ which, in testing so far, always speed up when people lie but never when they tell the truth, no matter how nervous they may be. (But what if you just ate at Taco Bell?)
– “New Scientist”

JOB JITTERS:
A Robert Half International survey asked employees of 1,000 large companies what causes them the most stress on-the-job. Fear of losing the job was #1, cited by 41%. (The rest were honest and said ‘showing up’.)
– “Focus” magazine

BS REASONS TO QUIT:
Here are the top 5 things that surveyed employees say would make them want to ditch a job …
5. Inadequate Benefits (17%)
4. Boredom (20%)
3. Insufficient Recognition or Appreciation (34%)
2. Inadequate Opportunities for Career Advancement (37%)
1. Inadequate Compensation (57%)
– Salary.com

THE BULL SHEET 11.02.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [48] Carter Beauford, Charlottesville VA, rock drummer (Dave Matthews Band-“American Baby”)  FACTOID: NOVEMBER 29th Dave Matthews Band releases “Weekend on the Rocks”, an extensive CD/DVD package of highlights from their 4-show gig at Colorado’s Red Rocks Amphitheater in SEPTEMBER.

1961 [44] kd (Katherine Dawn) lang, Consort AB, pop singer (“Constant Craving”)

1966 [39] David Schwimmer, Astoria NY, movie actor (“Madagascar”)/ex-TV actor (“Friends” 1994-2004)

1969 [36] Reginald ‘Fieldy’ Arvizu, Bakersfield CA, rock bassist (Korn-“Did My Time”)

1969 [36] Cookie Monster, Sesame Street NY, cookie fanatic/fuzzy TV personality who styles his hair with a blue-rinse/movie actor (“The Muppets Take Manhattan”)  FACTOID: It’s his birthday according to vintage “Sesame Street” calendars.
NET: http://www.sesame-encyclopedia.com/Alphabet/SesameC/CookieMonster.html

1974 [31] Nelly (Cornell Haynes Jr), Austin TX, rapper (“Hot In Herre”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY some 400,000 Grade 9 students across Canada will participate in the 12th “Take Our Kids to Work Day” in 75,000+ workplaces. The idea is for kids to see what it’s really like on-the-job with a parent or volunteer host. (What would be the worst job for a kid to shadow? Undertaker? Proctologist? Teacher?)
NET: http://www.takeourkidstowork.ca

TODAY is “All Souls’ Day”, the excuse for an annual tradition in Santiago, Guatemala – the “Kite Festival”, when natives send massive, extremely colorful kites up to the heavens in an effort to communicate with the dead. Hello, anybody home?

TODAY is “Plan Your Epitaph Day”, dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone
is a fate worse than death. A few actual epitaphs …
• “Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake who stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”
• “She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.”
• “Harry Smith, died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.”
• “I made an ash of myself.”
• “Here lies an atheist. All dressed up, and no place to go.”
• “Here lies Sir John Strange, an honest lawyer, and that IS Strange.”
• “Here lies the father of 29, he would have had more but he didn’t have time.“
• “I told you I was sick!”

TODAY is “National Deviled Egg Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Watch Dad Evacuate an Entire Department Store in 10 Seconds Day’.)

THIS MONTH is the 14th annual “International Drum Month” when you’re encouraged to ‘discover your inner drummer’. So to honor percussionists everywhere …
• How can you tell a drummer’s at the door? [The knocking speeds up.]
• How can you tell a drummer’s at the door? [He doesn't know when to come in.]
• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? [Homeless.]
• What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? [“Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?”]

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1936 [69] ‘Canadian Broadcasting Act’ creates the CBC

1920 [85] KDKA Pittsburgh signs on as USA’s 1st ‘Commercial Radio Station’ (known as 8XK)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1999 [06] 1st sports league to create its own 24-hour TV network (NBA.com TV)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1878 [127] World record 55-foot-long squid captured off Newfoundland

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Men Make Dinner Day
[Thurs] Housewives’ Day
[Thurs] Cliché Day
[Thurs] Sandwich Day
[Thurs] 6th Latin Grammy Awards (LA)
[Thurs] MTV Europe Music Awards
[Fri] Eid-Al-Fitr, celebrating end of Ramadan (Islam)
[Sat] Governor-General’s Performing Arts Awards (Ottawa)
[Sun] NYC Marathon
[Sun] Saxophone Day
[Sun] Halfway Point of Autumn
This Week Is . . . Homeless Week
This Month Is . . . Fun With Fondue Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WOMEN’S GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY:

• Do not say what you mean. Ever.
• Cry. Cry often. Tell them it’s their fault.
• Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago.
• Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
• Be late for everything. Yell if they’re late.
• Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they’re wrong.
• Plan little relationship anniversaries, like the monthly anniversary of the first time you saw each other in the library for 5 minutes.
• Constantly claim you’re fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
• Whenever there is silence ask them, “What are you thinking?”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Not to say I’m technically inept, but I regularly slit my throat on the cutting edge of technology.
• To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A surgeon with THIS hobby makes fewer mistakes and finishes more quickly.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Video gaming. (Associated Press)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Do unto others as though you were the other.


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