Wednesday, November 17, 2004        Edition: #2911
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!

Rampant rumors that Tom Hanks would get the plum role of ‘Robert Langdon‘ in Ron Howard’s upcoming movie version of the mega-selling thriller “The Da Vinci Code” seem to be true – “Newsweek” magazine is saying it’s a done deal . . . Brit soccer star David Beckham, on the other hand, has reportedly turned down a role in the upcoming “Pink Panther” remake starring Steve Martin & Beyoncé, saying he wants to concentrate on his game (translation: he flunked the screen test) . . . First there was “Extreme Makeover” on ABC-TV, then the spinoff “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, and soon “Extreme Makeover: Wedding Edition” will air, first as a 1-hour special to see if it flies (why not just call it – ‘Extreme Overkill’?) . . . How badly does $20-million-per-film movie star Denzel Washington wanna hit the boards as ‘Brutus’ in a production of “Julius Caesar” on Broadway? He‘ll reportedly take the gig for a measly $1,200 per week beginning in APRIL . . . “Zorro” actress Catherine Zeta Jones has been killing time on the set knitting 35 ponchos for friends & family for Christmas – so far finishing up 15 of them, one of which will appear on the cover of the DECEMBER edition of “Harper’s Bazaar” (well, so much for THAT surprise gift!) . . . A ‘friend’ reveals that Ol’ Dirty Bastard had been up for 2 days using cocaine before he kicked on the weekend, not too smart considering the family history of – heart trouble (well surprise, surprise!) . . . And the so-called ‘Gotti hotties’, Carmine & John, famous from the A&E show “Growing Up Gotti”, got their butts whipped by the 17-year-old brother of a 15-year-old girl they were abusing in a Long Island mall (thanks to ‘Beating Up Gottis’, the hero brother’s funeral will likely be in the next week or two).

• Alicia Keys – TODAY she does TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show
• Ashlee Simpson – A group calling itself ‘Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment’ (HOPE) is encouraging people to trade in copies of her album at NYC club the Knitting Factory for ‘a CD of a higher entertainment quality’, including Elvis Costello, The Ramones, Ray Charles, and Aretha Franklin. (Now there’s a radio station bar promotion in the making!)
• Switchfoot – TONIGHT they appear on CBS-TV’s “Late Late Show”.
• Britney Spears – Word has it she’s purchased a restaurant in Venice CA for her father Jamie, who’s currently in LA allegedly undergoing therapy for alcohol and drug addiction. (Maybe he could run it with Lindsay Lohan’s loser dad.)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• Hobeau – A boyfriend who could practise better hygiene. (“I’m crushing on Gavin ‘cause he’s hot … but he sure is a hobeau.”)
• ‘Going for a Prayer Break’ – Club jargon for going to the washroom to take cocaine. Derived from Destiny’s Child’s insistence on taking ‘prayer breaks’ during their current promo tour.
• ‘G-HaG’ (Girl-Hating Girl) – One who’s only friends are guys. (“There goes that skanky G-hag Amanda into the pool hall just so she can hang out wit da boys.”)
• ‘Nontourage’ – A less-than-impressive group of hangers-on. (“Usher has a loser to carry around each trophy after awards shows. What a sorry-looking nontourage they are.”)

New technology is currently being installed by the airline Virgin Blue which will allow passengers to use self-service kiosks to check themselves in for their flight, choose their own seat and print their own boarding pass … in under ONE MINUTE! (Trouble is, you still can’t X-ray your baggage and maul your own underwear.)
– “The Age”

Muslim clerics in India are considering whether to recognize a divorce delivered by – e-mail. Rahat Iqbal left for the US in 1998, promising to return for his Indian wife in a few weeks, but instead waited 6 years before sending her an e-mail with the Arabic words for “I divorce thee” written 3 times. The e-mail has sparked a debate between clerics who believe the e-mail divorce is perfectly legal and those who think slightly more effort needs to be made. One cleric claims the divorce must be handwritten and the wife should recognize the handwriting. Another says the husband should have at least telephoned. (Now, in keeping with the spirit of technology, he can transfer alimony … online.)
– “Hindustan Times”

A psychological profile of Adolf Hitler recently declassified by the CIA reveals that during WW2,  the agency believed the ‘Seig Heil’ Nazi salute was a direct copy of the technique used by football cheerleaders in America. The report claims Hitler adored football marching bands and college songs. The profile also analyzed his sexuality, stating he had a fondness for circuses, whips, and women who perform dangerous feats. (In the end, the Allies taught him another cheer – “Push ‘em back, push ‘em back, waaaay back!”)
– “The Guardian”

In order to help rejuvenate the stagnant birthrate in Japan, a team of sociologists and psychiatrists has come up with the ‘best pickup line in the Japanese language’. The line translates literally as “This time next year, let’s be laughing together!” (wow, kinda catchy, ain’t it?). The experts claim it works because saying ‘this time next year’ indicates the man is looking beyond a one-night stand, while ‘together’ and ‘laughing’ make the pickup line ‘soft, romantic, and fresh’. (Similar to the line so often used by men in the Western world … “Of course I love you, honey.”)
– Ananova

• A Santa Rosa CA man has been charged with stealing a fire engine. When the apparently drunk 36-year-old driver got stuck in mud, he cleverly used the vehicle’s radio to call for a tow truck. The cops arrived instead.
• A Indianapolis IN man trying to stop his boozed-up buddy from driving home drunk shot out 2 tires on his car. But the move backfired when the incensed driver pulled a knife and attacked his friend. The driver’s been charged with battery. Next time, just take away the keys!
• St George’s Episcopal Church in Laguna Hills CA has run a newspaper ad featuring its ‘Top 10 Reasons for Visiting an Episcopal Church’. Among them … no snake handling, free wine on Sunday, you don’t have to know how to swim to get baptized, and – no matter what you believe, there’s bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

[DISCRETION] Canada’s 30-year authority on all matters sexual, Sue Johansen of “The Sunday Night Sex Show” on the W Network, is creating a new line of marital aids to be marketed by California Exotic Novelties. Johansen says she’ll focus on designing them to be less rigid, easier to clean, and safer than toys currently on the market. It seems one of the main problems with current sex toys is – they can get stuck. (Just ask anyone who works in a hospital ER.)
– Canada Newswire

According to scientists in Australia, giant squid have now overtaken humans in terms of total ‘biomass’. That means they take up more space on the planet than we do. It’s apparently due to over-fishing of other species and climate change. (OK, when’s the horror movie getting made?)
– “Australasian Science”

“Heath almost broke my nose in a scene.”
– Actor Jake Gyllenhaal telling the DECEMBER issue of “Elle” magazine about rough-sex scenes with actor Heath Ledger in the upcoming movie “Brokeback Mountain”. It’s about a pair of cowboys who fall in love.


1938 [66] Gordon Lightfoot, Orillia ON, Canadian icon/pop/folk singer (“Sundown”, “Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald”)/Canadian Walk Of Fame (1998)/CCMA Hall Of Fame (2001)/Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame (2003)

1942 [62] Martin Scorsese, Queens NY, movie director (“Gangs of New York”,  “GoodFellas”)   UP NEXT: The Howard Hughes bio-pic, “The Aviator”, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, Kate Beckinsale & Gwen Stefani, opening DECEMBER 17th.

1944 [60] Danny DeVito, Asbury Park NJ, 5′-1″ movie actor (“Big Fish”, “Get Shorty”)/movie producer (“Erin Brockovich”, “Out of Sight”)  UP NEXT: Produces & appears in the “Get Shorty” sequel, “Be Cool”, opening MARCH 4th.

1944 [60] Lorne Michaels (Lipowitz), Toronto ON, TV producer (“Saturday Night Live” since 1975, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” since 1993, “The Kids in the Hall”)/movie producer (“Wayne’s World”)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)

1963 [41] Dylan Walsh, LA CA, TV actor (plastic surgeon ‘Sean McNamara’ on “Nip/Tuck” since 2003)

1977 [27] Aaron Lines, Fort McMurray AB, country singer (“I Can Read Your Heart”, “Living Out Loud”)/2003 CCMA ‘Male Artist of the Year’ and ‘Rising Star Award’

TODAY-Sunday “Grey Cup Week” whoops it up in Ottawa. More than 40 different events are on tap during the ‘Kickin’ It in the Capital Grey Cup Festival’ including a ‘Down East Kitchen Party’, ‘The CFL Player Awards & Cocktail Party’, ‘The X Battle of the Mascots’, ‘Rockin’ In the Capital Parties’ and something called ‘Rendezvous Saskatchewan’ (if you’re Roughriders kicker Paul McCallum, that involves coming home to a load of BS dumped on your lawn).

TODAY is “Homemade Bread Day”, when we’re all encouraged to bake a loaf from scratch. These days that means emptying an envelope into your automatic breadmaker and pushing the little red button. (A good day to get a bun in the oven!)

TODAY is “Take A Hike Day”, which is either a day to enjoy the outdoors or to get out of someone’s face.

TODAY is “National Farm Joke Day”, a day to have a chuckle about the rural lifestyle. There’s actually a Website devoted solely to farm humor.
NET: (Click on ‘Farm Jokes Silo’)

FRIDAY the 2-month-long, 22nd annual “Winter Festival of Lights” in Niagara Falls ON begins, featuring over 100 animated light exhibits, many created by Disney. As usual, over a million visitors are expected.
PHONER: 800-563-2557

1999 [05] 1st-ever simultaneous primetime TV/Internet Webcast as “The Drew Carey Show” attracts 2-million Web surfers to watch what’s happening in Drew”s house while he’s at work

2000 [04] Actor Michael Douglas marries actress Catherine Zeta-Jones in NYC

2002 [02] Michael Jackson briefly dangles his baby son over a Berlin hotel balcony for fans waiting outside

1958 [46] 13-year-old Brenda Lee releases “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, which goes on to become a holiday season classic

1940 [64] 1st NFL team to travel by airplane (Green Bay Packers)

[Thurs] Married to a Scorpio Support Day
[Thurs] Beaujolais Nouveau Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Fri] Have a Bad Day Day
[Fri ] World Toilet Day
[Sat] Name Your PC Day
[Sat] Universal Children’s Day
[Sat] Absurdity Day
[Sat] National Child Day in Canada
[Sun] 92nd Grey Cup (BC vs Toronto @ Ottawa)
[Sun] 100th annual Toronto Santa Claus Parade
[Sun] World Hello Day
[Mon] Start Your Own Country Day
[Mon] Stop the Violence Day
This Week Is . . . Farm-City Week
This Month Is . . . Healthy Skin Month


THIS WEEK’s at the “SOCAN Awards” (Society of Composers, Authors & Music Publishers of Canada), these oldies were honored for reaching the mark of 100,000 airplays …
• Alannah Myles – “Black Velvet”, “Lover of Mine”
• Amanda Marshall – “Birmingham”
• Bryan Adams – “Run To You”, “Somebody”
• Glass Tiger – “My Song”
• Heart – “What About Love”

The advocacy group ‘National Coalition for the Homeless’ has ranked the meanest US cities based on how they treat the homeless who live within their city limits. Here’s the top 5 …
1. Little Rock, Arkansas
2. Atlanta, Georgia
3. Cincinnati, Ohio
4. Las Vegas, Nevada
5. Gainesville, Florida
– AP

Ask a phone contestant (kids are great) or studio guest to finish these famous movie quotes …
• “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she … [walks into mine.”]
– Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca”.
• “Well, it’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the … [life in your men.”]
– Mae West in “I’m No Angel”.
• “Would you be shocked if I put on something … [more comfortable?”]
– Jean Harlow in “Hell’s Angels”.
• “My Mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know … [what you’re gonna get.’”]
– Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump”
• “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give … [a damn!”]
– Clark Gable in “Gone With the Wind”.
Get the actual sound clips here …

Looks like Liz Hurley is about to marry her mega-rich boyfriend Arun Nayer. She doesn’t want to marry him for his money … but she doesn’t know how else to get it.

Today’s Question: The average person does THIS 90 times a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Checks the time.

The older I get, the better I was.

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