Monday, November 1, 2004        Edition: #2899
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

• “Star” magazine and “National Enquirer” both claim Nick Lachey cheated on wife Jessica Simpson with porn star Jessica Jaymes during  a stag party for his sound engineer friend Sean Sullivan. Jaymes admits Lachey watched her perform in a ‘girl-on-girl show’ but denies anything else happened. Quote: “Everyone had a really good time. That’s really all I’m allowed to say.”
• The Osbourne’s former housekeeper Juana Zavala will stand trial NEXT MONTH, charged with grand theft after allegedly stealing a variety of items from their Beverly Hills mansion, including a Tiffany diamond ring and … Kelly Osbourne’s underwear.
– “Female First”
• Mrs Arnold Schwarzenegger and California first lady Maria Shriver evidently was so excited over the Boston Red Sox World Series victory that she leapt off her sofa and accidentally broke her foot.
– “NY Daily News”
•  Justin Timberlake is reportedly in talks to play a recurring role in the 2nd season of hit TV show “The OC” (premiering THURSDAY). However, word has it the series’ star Adam Brody is uncomfortable about JT getting a role, because real-life girlfriend and co-star Rachel Bilson has a crush on him.
– “OK!” magazine.
• The collection of music stars re-recording the charity song “Do They Know It’s Christmas” will be known as ‘Band Aid 20′ in honor of the 20th anniversary of the original. All proceeds from the new single will help African famine victims.
– UK’s “Sun”
• 63-year-old actor James Caan has been hospitalized after collapsing during shooting on the NBC-TV drama “Las Vegas”. Seems he tried to ignore a hernia he suffered while roping cattle on his ranch, but doubled over in pain on the set 2 days later. He was taken to LA’s Cedars-Sinai Hospital where doctors performed an emergency hernia operation.
– World Entertainment News
• The bigscreen version of “The Producers” has been put on hold. It was set to shoot in NYC but after Richard Dreyfuss was fired from the London stage version of the musical, Nathan Lane – slated to star in the movie with Matthew Broderick – had to fly across the pond to replace him. The loss of Lane has put the picture on the shelf for now.
– “Page Six”

• “World’s Fattest Bank Robbers Steal to Support $1,200-a-day Junk-Food Habit!”
• “The Eiffel Tower Is a Portal to Hell!”
• “Giant Sinkhole to Suck up South Dakota!”
• “Alien Caught in Hot Tub with Laura Bush & Teresa Heinz Kerry!”
• “Role-Playing During Sex Determines Your Kid’s Future!”
• “NASA Launching Stripper Into Space!”
• “Working With Idiots Will Kill You!”

• R Kelly – Saw this one coming … SATURDAY he was booted off the “Best of Both Worlds” tour with Jay-Z, a day after he walked offstage during a performance and allegedly was blasted with pepper spray by a member of Jay-Z’s entourage.
• Snoop Dogg – His new album “R&G (Rhythm and Gangsta): The Masterpiece” will feature collaborations with Pharrell Williams, Justin Timberlake, 50 Cent & Nelly. It’s out NOVEMBER 23rd.
• Gwen Stefani – The things one does with too much money … she & hubby Gavin Rossdale have had stairs built up to their bed so their beloved dog ‘Winston’ doesn’t need to jump up.
• Missy Elliott – Her new reality show “The Road to Fame with Missy Elliott” will premiere on UPN JANUARY 5th. The 10-episode series will feature 13 contestants vying for $100,000 in a series of auditions during her concert tour.
• Shania Twain – She’s denying rumors that she is expecting her 2nd child with record producer husband Mutt Lange. She says she’d welcome another child but they’re not planning on it.
• The Darkness – Thousands of fans have snapped up the Brit band’s $18-thongs on the Internet, which feature their name across the front in silver writing. So many have been sold the band claims they can make their 2nd album on thong proceeds alone.

“The Karl Lagerfeld Diet” is about to invade North America. Powerhouse Books has just inked a deal for the North American rights to the book by the formerly fat fashion designer, which has already sold nearly 200,000 copies abroad. Lagerfeld reveals how he lost 80 lbs in 1 year, a crash diet he embarked upon after deciding he wanted to wear Hedi Slimane’s slim-fit suits. The book provides 120 gourmet recipes by noted French nutrition doctor Jean-Claude Houdret, as well as Lagerfeld’s tips on skin care, cosmetic surgery, sleep and exercise.
– “NY Post”

Above anything else, let this serve as a warning: Michael Buffer, the ring announcer famous for kicking off fights with the phrase “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!” has not only trademarked the phrase but is offering a cash reward to snitches who report any unauthorized use of it. Buffer Enterprises Inc threatens to sue anyone using the phrase or trademarked variations such as “Get Ready to Rumble” or “Ready to Rumble” or any paraphrasing of the sayings including “Get Ready to Crumble”, “Are Your Ready to Rumble?”, “Let’s Get Ready to Gamble” (OR in the Buffalo Bills’ case: “Let’s Get Ready to Fumble!”). And don’t even think about using a recording of Michael Buffer saying anything.

Japan mobile phone technology is years ahead of North America and Europe. Phones play MP3s, access the Internet, send e-mails and even act as a credit card. Their built-in cameras are as good as high-end digital cameras. So good, in fact, that there is now an industry regulation for each handset to make a noise over a certain level of decibels when the camera takes a photo, due to a problem of perverted Japanese men secretly taking upskirt photos.
– PopBitch

A Constanta, Romania man is demanding a divorce after finding out – he married the twin sister of the woman he fell in love with. It seems Vladut met the love of his life, Elena, a few years ago during a trip to France. They were supposed to meet up again back in Romania but the woman decided not to stay in touch. Later Vladut met his lover’s twin sister, Monica, at a seaside resort and thought it was the girl of his dreams. She accepted his marriage proposal – not telling him that she was a twin. Now the couple, who are both dentists, have agreed to divorce after 3 years together so the poor guy can take another shot at the right sister.
– Ananova

• Beginning in JANUARY, University of Victoria English professor Doug Beardsley will begin offering Canada’s – and likely the world’s – only college course on hockey literature. Classes for the 2nd-year English course “Hockey Literature & the Canadian Psyche” run for 3 hours, divided into 3 ‘periods’. You can tell there’s a lot of fans missing their favorite sport during the lock-out – the class’ 40 seats have long been a ‘sell-out’. (Should have called it ‘Puckhead 101′.)
– ABC News
PHONER: 250.721.7236 (University of Victoria English Department)
• The homestate university of “American Idol” stars Fantasia Barrino and Clay Aikin is offering fans of the TV talent show the chance to study it. The University of North Carolina at Charlotte is offering the academic course, “Examining American Idol”, beginning in JANUARY.
– “Daily Dish”
PHONER: 704.687.2000 (UNC Charlotte)

Recent research from British shows that each day we are bombarded by about 4,000 instructions, ads and rules. Just on the way to work we face some 150 new messages, from road signs to ads on public transit. A trip to the mall involves some 1,600 instructions. The researchers conclude that consumers now have to weed out the info they want — and ignore the rest. (Sort of like teens with their parents.)
– “Social Studies”

For the 2nd year in-a-row, residents of Nanaimo BC have failed to break the Guinness World Record for ‘Most People Wearing Groucho Marx Glasses at the Same Location’. THIS YEAR’s attempt attracted 876 participants, who each paid $5 for their noses and glasses, thereby raising about $3,000 for the local United Way. But the official record stands at 937, so another 62 were needed to break it. (Hey, nice try. It was close but no … um … cigar.)

According to candy manufacturers, Halloween candy that’s individually wrapped will maintain freshness for up to TWO YEARS from the time of purchase.

“I’ve found that most women like to be drunk.”
– Nelly


1942 [62] Larry Flynt, Salyersville KY, sleazy magazine publisher (“Hustler”)

1962 [42] Anthony Kiedis, Grand Rapids MI, rock singer (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“The Zephyr Song”, Under the Bridge”)

1963 [41] ‘Big’ Kenny (Alphin), Culpeper VA, country singer (Big & Rich-“Save a Horse [Ride a Cowboy]”, “Wild West Show”)

1963 [41] Rick Allen (Richard Cyril), Sheffield UK, one-armed rock drummer (Def Leppard-“Photograph”, “Hysteria”)

1969 [35] Tie Domi, Windsor ON, NHL tough-guy winger (Toronto Maple Leafs)

1972 [32] Jenny McCarthy, Chicago IL, sometime actress (“Scary Movie 3″, “Scream 3″)/1994 “Playboy” ‘Playmate of the Year’

[USA] National Authors Day (1929)
[USA] National Family Literacy Day

TODAY is “All Hallows” or “All Saints’ Day” (begun in 835 AD), a Roman Catholic ‘Holy Day of Obligation’ (aren’t they all?). It’s a national holiday in the Philippines when families gather to honor the dead, sometimes getting out of control. Filipino police have recently been cracking down on drunkenness, gambling and kidnapping in graveyards.

TODAY is “Dia de los Muertos” (“Day of the Dead”) in Mexico. Actually the observance covers 2 days – TODAY, “All Saints Day”, is set aside for remembrance of deceased infants and children (‘angelitos’). TOMORROW, “All Soul’s Day”, is for those who died as adults. For a memorial observance it’s pretty festive, with colorful adornments, lively reunions at family burial plots, fireworks, and special foods. Departed souls are remembered with ‘Dead Men’s Bread’ which is decorated with sugar skulls. (“Please Mom, can I have the eye socket?”)

TODAY is “Vegan World Day”, an international focal point for celebrating veganism, a term invented by Donald Watson in 1944. This is the 60th birthday of ‘The Vegan Society’, which is attempting to double the number of vegans worldwide by the end of the year. ‘Vegans’ do not eat meat, fish, dairy products, eggs, or any other animal product; they are sometimes called ‘strict vegetarians’. In fact, true vegans do not use ANY products derived from animals, such as fur or leather. (Hey, nice paper shoes, dude!)

1939 [65] The poem (and later song) “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” 1st appears in a promotional pamphlet for Chicago’s Montgomery Ward department store

1924 [80] 1st US-based NHL franchise founded (Boston Bruins)

1946 [58] 1st ‘Basketball Association of America’ (later changed to NBA) game as NY Knickerbockers defeat Toronto Huskies 68-66 (seats go for 75 cents – a tad less than what the Raptors now charge)

1952 [52] 1st English TV play-by-play of NHL (Foster Hewitt-Boston at Toronto)

1959 [45] 1st NHL goaltender to wear ‘goalie mask’ (Jacques Plante-Montréal Canadiens)

1913 [91] 1st ‘forward pass’ in football (Knute Rochne’s Notre Dame Fighting Irish use it to beat Army 35-13)

1914 [90] 1st modern ‘bra’ invented by Mary Jacob of NYC

1966 [38] NFL awards New Orleans Saints a franchise on “All Saints Day”

[Tues] US Election Day
[Tues] Shania Twain Day (Timmins ON)
[Wed] Take Our Kids to Work Day
[Wed] National Sandwich Day
[Fri]  Governor-General’s Performing Arts Awards (Ottawa)
[Sat] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Sat] National Men Make Dinner Day

National Fig Week
National Homeless Week
World Communication Week


• Do vegans eat animal crackers?
• Is there another word for ‘synonym’?
• Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
• If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, couldn’t you just move 10 miles away?
• Can you have just one ‘phernalia’ or does it only come in pairs?
• Why do they lock gas station washrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Why do women open their mouths to apply mascara?

1. Robert DeNiro
2. Al Pacino
3. Jack Nicholson
– “Empire” magazine.

Where’s the absolute best place to hide Halloween candy so siblings (and parents) can’t find it?

My kid got the most candy last night at the dentist’s house down the block … the one displaying a jack-o-lantern with braces.

Today’s Question: In an average year, 10 Australians choke to death while doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Drinking a beer while driving.

Men are like Canada Savings Bonds. They take SO LONG to mature.

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