Monday, November 24, 2003 Edition: #2672
If You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “TV Times” reports “The Mike Bullard Show” premieres TONIGHT on the Global TV network and will air weeknights at midnight. His “Open Mike” show on CTV/Comedy Network was Canada’s first successful home-grown late-night talk show, beginning in 1998. The new show will be taped in front of a studio audience at the new Global Theatre on the Esplanade in Toronto.
• Seems getting involved in legal action against a superstar can be stressful. “National Enquirer” claims Kobe Bryant’s accuser has entered a rehab facility after going on a wild binge. The tab’s ‘exclusive investigation’ has also uncovered a photo of the 19-year-old coed smoking a bong at a frat party just days before she checked into an Arizona rehab center. (Kobe’s lawyers are happy to provide photocopies for anyone needing them.)
• According to “Globe”, Nicolas Cage has bought the late Johnny Cash’s home in Henderson TN for $3.2 million. The 50 acre estate has its own lake and recording studio. (And soon, an Elvis memorabilia room featuring … Lisa Marie.)
• “Hulk” director Ang Lee’s next movie will reportedly be … a gay Western. “Hollywood Reporter” says he’ll helm the bigscreen version of “Brokeback Mountain”, author E Annie Proulx’s story about a 1960s ranch hand and a rodeo cowboy who unexpectedly fall in love. (For the bigscreen it will be renamed “Hissy Fit at the OK Corral”.)
• “NY Post” reveals that 36-year-old actress Lara Flynn Boyle (ex-“The Practice”, “Men In Black II”) has had a tattoo of boyfriend Jay Penske’s name inked on her back, only to find out that the 24-year-old auto parts heir has had enough of her weirdness. Seems her decision to have a permanent reminder of her beau etched onto her body after just a few weeks of dating was a tad premature. (Maybe she can find another guy with that name?)
• “Daily Mirror” reports that “Master & Commander” star Russell Crowe will skip the 2004 “Academy Awards” … even if he gets a nomination. Another of his famous snits? Uh uh … he’d just rather stay home and change diapers. Wife Danielle is due to give birth to their son within the next 8 weeks and the proud pop-to-be reveals they haven’t decided on a name yet but he’d like to call him ‘Lord’, or perhaps ‘Doc’, because he thinks it would be funny. (Until the kid turns 18 and comes after you with a shotgun.)
• “People News” reports that 79-year-old acting legend Marlon Brando not only has a will but copious funeral instructions recorded on tape. Among them – Jack Nicholson should preside over the memorial service, Michael Jackson should speak a few words (wow, good choice there), after which the big guy’s ashes should be scattered over his private Tahitian island. (That much ash dropping from the sky will look like nuclear fallout.)
• And “E! Online” reports that “Friends” will debut on China’s national network, China Central Television, NEXT YEAR, giving hundreds of millions of new viewers the opportunity to see the sitcom. The Chinese version will appropriately be retitled … “Old Friends’ Story”. (In 2005, they’re getting “The Brady Bunch”!)
WACKY “WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Lost City of Atlantis Found … Underneath Sahara Desert!”
• “Bush to Enforce Mandatory Square Dancing Law!”
• “Desperate Diners Attack Trapped Fat Lady with Plastic Forks!”
• “Osama Joins Chinese Space Program!”
• “No Cure for Cellphone Ear!”
• “980-Pound Bride Webs 94-Pound Man!”
WHAT’S FASTER THAN SUPERSONIC?
The answer is ‘hypersonic’, and European aerospace giant EADS is considering cooperating with the Japanese aerospace industry to build a hypersonic passenger aircraft as a successor to the Concorde. If and when it’s built, it would be capable of flying 2,500 mph, twice the speed of the supersonic jet, would fly 7,000 miles non-stop and carry 300 passengers, twice the Concorde’s capacity. (Also doubling up on the Concorde, a ticket will cost $4 gazillion … one-way. But you’ll get where you’re going yesterday!)
PRIME OF YOUR LIFE:
More than half of post-menopausal women are happier and more fulfilled than when they were in their younger years, according to the North American Menopause Society (NAMS). 51% of those surveyed say their lives are improved, including personal fulfilment, spousal relationships and friendships. (They also say it’s easier to keep warm.)
THE FATHER FACTOR:
Papas who play with their toddlers tend to form closer relationships with their kids when they reach age 16. “Wall Street Journal” reports that researchers found that fathers who are sensitive and supportive toward their children at a very early age create a powerful development tool for their children’s growth later in life. The study also shows that kids who are less attached to their dads are less confident and have a greater tendency to withdraw from society. (So pops, what’s on top of your ‘to do’ list today?)
EARLY MORNING Zs:
A new Stanford University study on the science of sleep deprivation suggests that early-morning sleep is more restful than sleep in the middle-of-the-night. Researchers think that may be because most of us are programmed to be ‘night owls’ rather than early-rising ‘morning larks’. The study shows early-morning sleepers fall asleep more easily, spend more of their sleep time actually asleep, and score higher on wakefulness tests. (This study goes a long way to explaining this program.)
JUST SIT TO WIN!
23-year-old Katri Manni of Finland has won a brand new Suzuki car after sitting in it for 52 days and 15 hours. She was the final survivor of 4 finalists in a sit-in marathon at a Helsinki shopping mall. The 4 qualified from 21 competitors in 6 cities across Finland. They were allowed a 10-minute break outside the vehicle every 2 hours, plus a 30-minute daily session for morning ablutions. (Great idea for car dealership tie-in.)
SEEING THE LIGHT:
Retail researchers claim that introducing more sunlight into stores appears to improve retail sales. A study of more than 100 stores found that those with skylights had 40% higher profits. (This works especially well in Vancouver, where shoppers are instantly perked up by the melodic tap, tap, tapping of raindrops on the glass.)
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• A team of scientists from Britain and the Netherlands have developed an artificial voicebox called the ‘Newvoice Valve’ which uses rubber vocal cords to produce sounds. Worldwide, about 30,000 throat cancer victims undergo laryngectomies each year, leaving them unable to speak naturally. The new device is expected to dramatically improve their lives by making it easier to communicate. (Mechanical voice SFX: “Hey, can I bum a smoke?”)
• The solar-powered, talking trash container has been unveiled in Germany. It says “Thank you!” or “Mm, tasty!” when you throw in garbage. (This could have far-reaching adaptations. Toilets? Condoms?)
• Researchers at NTT Labs in Japan have demonstrated a wireless computer network that doesn’t use Ethernet cables or routers but – human bodies. The so-called ‘ElectAura-Net’ uses a combination of the electrical field that emanates from humans and a similar field emanating from special tiles built into the floor. (“Oooo, I just felt a tingle. Must be new e-mail!”)
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to a new report by Yahoo! Search, ‘deep fried turkey’ is the most popular turkey recipe being searched on the Internet, followed by ‘smoked’, ‘roasted’ and ‘grilled’.
THE BULL SHEET 11.24.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940  Paul Tagliabue, Jersey City NJ, attorney who has served as NFL commissioner since 1989 (initiated salary cap, expansion teams)
1964  Brad Sherwood, Chicago IL, TV improv comedian (“Whose Line is it Anyway?”)
1970  Chad Taylor, York PA, rock guitarist (Live-“Lightning Crashes”, “Selling The Drama”)
1977  Colin Hanks, Sacramento CA, Tom Hanks’ son/movie actor (“Orange County”)/TV actor (“Band of Brothers”, “Roswell” 1999-2001)/”People Magazine 25 Hottest Bachelors” (2003)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY the major Islamic holiday “Eid al-Fitr” (pronounced Eed-ul-FIT-tur) begins at sunset, the end of the Ramadan month of fasting. For the first time, Hallmark has produced Islamic greeting cards for the occasion. Among the messages: “Celebrating Eid … a day of joy and thanks!” and “May Allah bless the world with His peace and love.”
THIS WEEK is the 9th annual “National Game & Puzzle Week”. Game company Patch Products is offering stations interviews with experts who’ll relate the history of popular games and talk about how board games reflect current events. They’re also offering free games for giveaways. Ask listeners for the best board game they’ve discovered that other people don’t know about.
PHONER: 800-524-4263/608-362-6896 (Jeff Softley, Promotions Department)
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1991  The charismatic lead singer of the rock group Queen, Freddie Mercury, dies in his sleep at age 45, just one day after publicly announcing he was suffering from AIDS
1993  Hit movie “Mrs Doubtfire” premieres, starring Robin Williams in drag
1998  Cher’s career is revived as mega-hit single “Believe” is released
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1871  National Rifle Association (NRA) 1st incorporated (Charlton Heston’s 1st term as President)
1874  1st ‘barbed wire’ patented by Joseph Glidden of DeKalb IL (collecting various kinds of barbed wire is now a serious hobby for many)
1954  1st US presidential plane is christened “Air Force One”
1963  1st ‘live murder’ on TV as Jack Ruby shoots JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald (gets great ratings … why not a series?)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Shopping Reminder Day
[Tues] International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women
[Thurs] US Thanksgiving Day
[Fri] Buy Nothing Day
[Sat] AIDS Awareness Concert (Capetown SA)
[Sun] International Computer Security Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
National Farm/City Week
Home Care Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS THANKSGIVING TRIVIA:
Q: Why is it an insult to call someone a ‘turkey’?
A: It can be taken as an offence in several ways …
1. Turkeys are really stupid. You’ve likely heard about them drowning in a rainstorm from looking up & holding open their beaks.
2. Turkeys are also mean when they are in a flock, known to attack even the family dog.
3. Turkeys smell bad, especially when they’re wet.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “People who are old enough will always remember what they were doing 40 years ago when they heard JFK was assassinated. What days will you always remember? The day Princess Diana died, 9/11, Michael Jackson’s imprisonment?”
• “How do you get rid of guests that just won’t leave when the party’s over?” (Party411.com recommends bringing out a slide projector or asking them to check your kid’s throat because she might have strep.)
BS BRAIN BUSTER:
Q: What was the first African song to top North American pop charts?
A: It was “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” 42 years ago TODAY (1961). The American version was recorded by the Tokens, a translation of a South African folk song known variously as “Mbube” or “Wimoweh”.
BODY FACT OR FICTION?
Two of these are facts, the other is total BS. But which?
1. A boy’s voice breaks during puberty because his vocal cords are lengthening. Up until that point, girls’ and boys’ vocal cords are the same length.
2. The strongest bone in the body, the thigh bone, is hollow. Ounce for ounce, it has a greater pressure tolerance and bearing strength than a rod of equivalent size in cast steel.
3. The average human eyelash lasts about 15 days. (BS. 150 days)
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One’s made of plastic and harmful to children. The other’s to put your groceries in.
• When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house? When the big hand is on the little hand.
• My mother was a ventriloquist and was always throwing her voice. For 10 years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
• When I told my dentist I couldn’t afford an operation to remove my wisdom teeth, he offered to touch-up my X-rays … I hope it works.
• Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 6 people in my family, but I can’t figure out which one it is.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 1 in 300 people have THIS in common.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They were born in a car.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain … and most fools do.
BS samplers this week include Mark Joss @ CFQX Winnipeg MB, Larry Dittenger @ WQWX State College PA (go Nittany Lions!), Zach Kuncaitis @ WOMC Detroit MI (go Lions on Thanksgiving!), Katie Fitzpatrick @ WXCV Homosassa FL, Micky Lee @ MIX 97.3 Sioux Falls SD, Mattias Pettersson @ Radio 7 Stockholm, Sweden, Keith Wade @ WZZY Troy OH, Rich Ryder @ WBTN Bennington VT, and Amy Hart @ KCLQ Lebanon MO. Welcome all!