Friday, November 21, 2003        Edition: #2671
Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!

TODAY’S edition of “People” magazine picks Johnny Depp as its “Sexiest Man Alive 2003” (others on the list, in order – Brad Pitt, Ashton Kutcher, George Clooney, Lenny Kravitz, Justin Timberlake, Hugh Grant, Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman, Denzel Washington & Colin Farrell) . . . THIS WEEKEND sometime actress Carmen Electra & sometime rock guitarist Dave Navarro will wed in an undisclosed location, all of it taped for the MTV series “Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave”, which will air in JANUARY . . . ABC-TV was planning the first-ever “Reality Awards Show” for SUNDAY but it had to be scrapped due to lack of cooperation from other networks (suggested award categories? ‘Best Stab in the Back from Another Contest’?) . . . Having made it to the bigscreen (briefly) in “The Cat in the Hat”, word is Paris Hilton is now looking to record an album (hey, she already has the #1 video) . . . Paris tells “Us Weekly” she’s so embarrassed about that sex video she’s considering quitting her partying ways, and she’s hired Jennifer Lopez’s publicist Dan Klores to help clean up her image (or at least get a better cameraman) . . . Buzz has it actor Billy Crudup (“Almost Famous”) has walked out on his 7-year girlfriend, 7-and-half-months-pregnant actress Mary Louise Parker (“The West Wing”), because he’s fallen in love with longtime pal Claire Danes (“Terminator 3”) . . . Monica Lewinsky tells “GQ” magazine that she dates occasionally but her relationships are brief because men are intimidated by her past (wow, that really sucks … oh sorry, Monica!) . . . “Hustler” honcho Larry Flynt says he won’t, but some British tabloids apparently will publish those topless photos of former Iraqi POW Jessica Lynch if they secure the rights . . . And now that Jay-Z has announced his retirement from rap, word is he’s looking into buying the NBA’s New Jersey Nets (he may have to hold up a bank – the top bid so far is $275 million!).

• “Dr Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat” (Family Comedy): Mike Myers stars as the beloved pussycat
in a stovepipe hat (because Tim Allen bailed out on the role). Producers are said to be so confident with the flick that the cat will be back for at least one more pic.
• “Gothika“ (Horror Thriller): Halle Berry plays a psychiatrist who wakes up to find herself incarcerated in her own mental institution for apparently killing her husband. Is she really nuts or is there some sinister secret? There’s already buzz about a steamy shower scene involving female inmates, but Berry says she & co-star Penelope Cruz ‘wimped out’ and insisted on keeping their underwear on. (As opposed to “Swordfish” and “Vanilla Sky”.)
• “The Barbarian Invasions” (Limited Release Drama): Quebec filmmaker Denys Arcand’s much-lauded sequel to his acclaimed 1986 indie pic “The Decline of the American Empire” features the same cast portraying the same characters later in life. (‘Best Canadian Feature‘-2003 Toronto International Film Festival, ‘Best Screenplay Award’-2003 Cannes Film Festival.)

Australian recording artist Vic Davies thinks kids should be encouraged to sing imaginative songs about anatomy and bodily functions rather than dinosaurs and pirates. His first album of children’s songs, “Naughty Songs For Naughty Kids”, will be released NEXT WEEK. It includes the future classics “Nose Picking Boogie”, “Creeping Up Slowly (The Wedgie Song)”, and “Grandma’s Boobies”. (Will it also include “The Wind Beneath My Wings”?)

There’s a new twist on the dating scene. Some singles are now carrying a legal consent form with them so they can get things in writing before they get intimate. The form lists what they will and will not do behind closed doors, and asks for the signature of both parties. However, legal experts say they aren’t sure it will stand up in court. (Hey Paris, maybe you should get a ream of these to hand out.)

A Romanian man whose wife gave birth to a daughter tried to bribe maternity nurses to swap her for a boy. The man says he always wanted a boy and besides – girls are more expensive.  Obviously, the hospital staff refused his request. (Are girls really more expensive? Ever buy car insurance for a teenage boy?)

Is it cruel to cut puppy dogs tails? THIS WEEK NYC dog owner John Hammer appeared before the New York Court of Appeals in an attempt to reinstate his suit against the American Kennel Club and the American Brittany Club. His beef? He’s trying to overturn a 1926 breed standard for judging spaniels that takes points off for dogs with tails longer than 4 inches (10 cm). Hammer contends the ‘docked-tail’ rule violates state laws against intentionally injuring an animal.

The Reflexology Association of Japan has launched a new $4,000 course for people who want to become – dog therapists. The program includes instruction in dog massage, canine anatomy, behavioral science and dog psychology. The association is planning to open relaxation salons for dogs early NEXT YEAR. (Wouldn’t that  be confusing for them after years of being told to get the hell off the couch? Ever notice you can say any stupid thing to a dog and it will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”)

A man in the Netherlands who bought an unusual ‘toilet paper holder’ for $2.50 took it to a Dutch version of “The Antique Road Show” to see if it was valuable. Turns out it was actually a 15th-century candlestick holder worth – $10,000! It’s missing 2 of its arms or it would be worth over $16,000. (Well, $16,001 if you include the TP.)

Singapore’s Stratech Systems has developed a hi-tech parking lot surveillance system that locates both vacant parking spots and specific vehicles. Drivers can key in their license plate number at a kiosk to find exactly where their car is parked on an electronic map. A display panel at the parking lot entrance gives directions to the nearest vacant spot. (Wouldn’t that be handy at the mall during holiday shopping season!)

San Francisco’s Steinhart Aquarium has thrown a big birthday party for an Australian lungfish named ‘Methuselah’ who arrived in 1938 as a fully grown adult, making him more than 65-years-old – the oldest fish in captivity.

1-in-4 family get-togethers degenerates into disputes, according to new research. Brothers are the biggest instigators of arguments, followed by mothers.


1945 [58] Goldie Hawn (Btudlendgehawn), Washington DC, movie actress (“The Banger Sisters”, “First Wives Club”, Oscar-“Cactus Flower”)/Kurt Russell’s longtime partner/Kate Hudson’s mom

1962 [41] Steven Curtis Chapman, Paducah KY, Christian singer with 40 #1 hits (“How Do I Love Her”)/2003 American Music Award for ‘Favorite Artist Contemporary Inspirational Music’

1965 [38] Bjork (Gudmundsdottir), Reykjavik ICE, weird rock singer (“Selmasongs”)/weirder film actress (“Dancer in the Dark”)

1966 [37] Troy Aikman, West Covina CA, FOX-TV NFL game analyst (with Chris Collinsworth & play-by-play announcer Joe Buck)/retired NFL QB (Dallas Cowboys)

1974 [29] Kelsi Osborn, Magna UT, country singer (SHeDAISY-“This Woman Needs”, “Little Good-byes”)/group’s name is Native American word meaning ‘my sisters’

1921 [82] Rodney Dangerfield (Jacob Cohen), Babylon NY, ‘no respect’ standup comedian/movie actor (“Little Nicky”, “Caddyshack”)  QUOTE: “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

1958 [45] Jamie Lee Curtis, LA CA, movie actress (“Freaky Friday”, “Halloween: Resurrection, “True Lies”)

1961 [42] Mariel Hemingway, Mill Valley CA, movie actress (“First Daughter”, “Deconstructing Harry”)/Ernest Hemingway’s granddaughter

TODAY is the 31st “World Hello Day”, observed in some 180 countries. Participants are asked to spread goodwill by saying ‘hello’ to at least 10 people. Try conferencing 10 different people to say ‘hello’ to one eager-beaver listener, or having your listeners call in to say ‘hello’ in another language.
Here’s a Website telling you how to say ‘hello’ in more than 700 languages.

TOMORROW is the 39th annual “Vanier Cup”, the Canadian university football championship, at Skydome in Toronto. This year the Laval Rouge et Or play the defending champion Saint Mary’s Huskies in a rematch of the 1999 Vanier Cup.

SUNDAY through Thursday, “High Times” magazine sponsors the annual “Cannabis Cup” in Amsterdam, Netherlands, where blowing a stick is legal. Judges rate the top weed from around-the-world while participants attend seminars and ‘sample’ product. There’s also an amateur (stoned) talent contest called ‘The Bong Show’. (They should try a Spelling Bee!)

1783 [220] 1st ‘human flight’ (Jean Francois Pilatre de Rozier & the Marquis Francois Laurant d’Arlandes make 1st flight in a balloon, about 6 miles around Paris FRA)

1871 [132] 1st ‘human cannonball’ (Emilio Onra, afterward known as ‘Flathead’)

1977 [26] 5 ski patrol members set a record in British Columbia by giving mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation for 60 hours to a mannequin (“C’mon Chad, lighten up on the tongue.”)

1937 [66] Thomas Morris skips rope 22,806 times in 2 hours in Sydney, Australia – more than
3 skips per second!

1975 [28] Bob Atheney bowls for 265 hours over 11 days in 1,976 games (St Petersburg FL)

1976 [27] Vernon Bass of Sarasota FL becomes ‘world champion oyster-eater’ by inhaling 684 in 20 minutes

1991 [12] Frenchman Gerard d’Aboville completes 4-month solo Pacific crossing – in a rowboat

[Sat] Stop the Violence Day
[Sat] 40th Anniversary of JFK Assassination
[Sun] Solar Eclipse (Australia/NZ)
[Mon] Eid al-Fitr begins at sunset (Islam)
[Tues] Shopping Reminder Day
[Thurs] Thanksgiving Day (USA)
This Week Is . . . National Culinary Week
This Month Is . . . Run Away Prevention Month


Your favorite snack reveals your personality and what you should do for a living …
• Potato Chips – People who crave potato chips have high expectations not only for themselves but also those around them. Competitive, they usually come out on top in business, sports and social situations. Professions: lawyer, tennis pro, police officer or CEO.
• Pretzels – Lively and energetic, those who prefer pretzels seek novelty and easily become bored by routine. These people are excited by any challenge, whether it’s at work, in sports or at home. They make decisions based on intuition and emotion, especially in romantic relationships. Professions: firefighter, journalist, flight attendant, veterinarian or pediatrician.
• Tortilla Chips – Their perfectionism extends beyond their own actions to the community at large. They are humanitarians who are often distressed by the inequities and injustices of society. Sticklers for punctuality, you will rarely catch a tortilla chip eater late for an appointment. Professions: farmer, travel agent, chef, clergy or news anchor.
• Cheese Curls (Cheesies) – Formal, always proper, conscientious and principled, people who crave cheese curls have a highly developed sense of integrity and maintain the moral high ground with their family, co-workers and romantic partners. They plan ahead for any possible catastrophe. The cheese curl lover’s house is always stocked and ready. Professions: real estate agent, psychiatrist or producer.
• Popcorn – Self-assured and confident, best described as ‘take charge’ people. Will not hesitate to assume extra work on the job or take on extra duties at social gatherings. They are self-confident but also modest and humble, and would never be considered showoffs. Professions: teacher, artist, truck driver, nurse, judge or neurosurgeon.
• Nuts –  Tend to be easygoing, empathic and understanding. When confronted with an emotionally charged situation, they can be counted on to keep calm. While they may not always be leaders, they are well-suited for dealing with the public during emergency situations. Professions: plumber, architect, sanitation worker, cardiologist or politician.
• Snack Crackers – Tend to be contemplative and thoughtful and base their decisions on solid reasoning instead of emotions. They value their private time and are most creative when allowed to be alone, free from daily responsibilities and interruptions. Professions: stockbroker or race car driver.
• Meat Snacks (pepperettes, pork rinds, jerky, etc) – The life of the party, gregarious and social, meat snack lovers are at their best in the company of others. They are loyal and true friends who can always be trusted, and will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to please others. Professions: dentist or bartender.
Source: Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation

• “Which would you pick – 15 minutes of ‘wonderful’ or a lifetime of ‘nothing special’?”
• “TOMORROW is ‘Start Your Own Country Day’. What 3 things would be different if you ran your own nation?”

What do you think the description says on Michael Jackson’s arrest warrant? ‘A white and/or black male and/or female with a partially attached false nose, wearing a single glove’? He’s the only guy who actually looks like one of those composite photos.

Today’s Question: 34% of single women say they have been ‘appalled’ by THIS during a date.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their partner’s CD collection.

Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning.

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