Wednesday, November 19, 2003        Edition: #2668
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TONIGHT CBS-TV airs the 2003 edition of the sweeps month staple, “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”, featuring  performances by Sting & Mary J Blige plus glam models like Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum & Gisele Bundchen prancing around in their underwear (soft porn that’s allowed by your TV’s wife filter) . . . Pamela Anderson is coming out with her own fragrance (‘Bimbo in a Bottle’ – “Oooh, I smell stupid!”) . . . CBC-TV is producing a bio-film on the life of Shania Twain (because it’s CBC, she’ll be played by Gordon Pinsent) . . . Meat Loaf has been forced to cancel concerts after collapsing on stage in London and being rushed to hospital, reportedly suffering from ‘exhaustion due to a prolonged viral infection’ (translation: all-you-can-eat buffet) . . . While visiting Shanghai, China, Mariah Carey used 8 vehicles, 4 of them just to transport her 60 pieces of luggage – and 350 pairs of shoes (the other 4 carried her ego around) . . . Producers of the show “Celebrity Justice” claim to have unearthed another Paris Hilton sex video, this one also featuring former “Playboy” playmate Nicole Lens and “Scary Movie 3” actor Simon Rex, who appears to be the cameraman (mommy & daddy Hilton must be so proud) . . . Evanescence lead singer Amy Lee & guitarist Ben Moody have officially split as a couple, perhaps explaining why he mysteriously quit the band’s European tour earlier THIS MONTH . . . Gossips are saying that Courtney Love’s lips have now eclipsed Meg Ryan’s as Hollywood’s ‘most puffed-up pucker’ of the year . . . Seems actor Christopher Lee’s whining has worked – over 10,000 angry “Lord of the Rings” fans have signed a petition because they’re upset his ‘Saruman’ character has been cut from the upcoming “Return of the King” . . . And the increasingly feisty Britney Spears is dissing the new doll based on her, because she doesn’t think it looks like her (I mean like … it’s fully clothed!).

• The Thai Culture Ministry is concerned over the increasing use of ‘nipple stickers’ in fashion shows. They’re used by models to prevent ‘too much exposure’ when showing off duds with plunging necklines. The ministry says the stickers are becoming popular with teen girls who wear them instead of bras under transparent tops. (Apparently ‘underage sex tours’ are okay with this government, just not band aids.)
• Police in France say that, for the 4th time in less than a year, an elderly man has robbed a local drugstore of its entire stock of Viagra. (Well, he shouldn’t be too tough to pick out in a line up!)
• A small town in northern China has held a ‘Dromedary Beauty Contest’ as part of its first “International Camel Festival”. Judges rated nearly 100 dressed-up camels based on ‘shiny hair’, ‘upright humps’, and their ability to show off ‘beautiful halters and saddles’. (Can you picture the swimsuit competition?)
• Malaysian surgeons treating a 30-year-old man for an eye infection were surprised to find part of a chopstick embedded between his eyes, the result of an assault 5 years ago. They say he’s lucky to be alive because the chopstick was nudging his brain. (It’s the first recorded ‘chopstickectomy‘.)

A compendium of recent BS ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … that it’s now possible for a human to conceive and give birth to a child in outer space. (Any jokes about attempting re-entry will not be done by this program.)
• Scientists say … that university grads lead healthier lives than high school dropouts. (Yeah right, ever been to a frat party?)
• Scientists say … that doctors are better at diagnosing illness when they’re in a good mood. (“Oops, did I say cancer? Sorry, I was kinda down … I meant flu.”)
• Scientists say … that bright lights and bright colors make you want to eat more. (And you thought Burger King was just tacky!)

According to “Men’s Health,” about 1 out of every 13 of us consider making beds more important than making love first thing in the morning. Other morning activities rated more essential than sex include – breakfast, coffee, watching TV, and listening to the radio. (It’s official … your show is better than sex!)

• Kids 14 and under select AT LEAST one item in 73% of grocery shopping trips says Simmons Marketing Research. (Hey, who else would want to eat Cocoa Puffs?)
• 89% of drivers surveyed say they feel safer with a cell phone in their car, according to a Motorola poll. (It’s everyone around them that’s scared to death.)
• According to “Harper’s Index”, 49% of women believe their car is more reliable than most men they know. (It lasts longer.)

‘Sex-Toy Parties’ are becoming the Tupperware parties of the new millennium, as groups of 20-something women gather to check out the newest gadgets. The parties feature games reminiscent of wedding or baby showers. One involves women passing dildos from one to another only using the knees.

In just the 3rd quarter of this year, nearly 20 billion pop-up ads were served up online, according to Nielsen/Net Ratings. That’s up from 8 billion in the same period last year. But help may be on the way! Microsoft is promising a pop-up-blocker upgrade for Windows XP in the new year. Web search utility Google already has one available on its tool bar.

The poor people of Paris are becoming exasperated with a new ad campaign for Sony Corp’s Aiwa brand throughout the city’s Metro subway system. Some 150 billboards burst into song whenever a commuter passes close by. The hidden voices sing out in country, boy-band and rap styles. A spokesman says the ads are meant to ‘surprise’ people.

As chosen by over 270 musicians, critics, fans and music historians …
1. The Beatles – “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”
2. The Beach Boys – “Pet Sounds”
3. The Beatles – “Revolver”
4. Bob Dylan – “Highway 61 Revisited”
5. The Beatles – “Rubber Soul”
(Apparently nothing any good has been recorded in the past 35 years.)
Source: “Rolling Stone” magazine’s ‘500 Greatest Rock Records’.

• Japan’s super-fast Maglev (Magnetically Levitated) train has set a new speed record, reaching 560 km/hr (347 mph) during unmanned testing, breaking the previous record set in 1999. The Central Japan Railway Company says it will attempt to break the 580 km/hr (360 mph) barrier when tests resume TODAY. The train’s been around since 1996, but is yet to carry a single passenger. (Or find a willing one.)
• A 26-year-old man in India has shattered the record by wolfing down 200 four-inch earthworms in just 20 seconds. The new champ, C Manoharan of Chennai, brags, “I have not only improved the timing but also the number of worms.” (Nice form too, buddy.)

About 25% of fathers are now in charge of preparing ALL meals for their family.
Source: “Parade” magazine.

“Get neutered, it didn’t hurt Clay Aiken.” – New ad from PETA, which has him threatening to sue.


1933 [70] Larry King (Lawrence Henry Zieger), Brooklyn NY, TV talk show host (“Larry King Live”-CNN) who’s been married 7 times to 6 different women/46 years in broadcasting

1938 [65] Ted Turner, Cincinnati OH, TV mogul (founder of CNN, TBS, TNT and other
media properties)/Time Warner exec)/sports mogul (Atlanta Braves)/ex-Mr Jane Fonda

1942 [61] Calvin Klein, Bronx NY, fashion designer (CK jeans)  FACTOID: 23 years ago TODAY (1980) CBS-TV banned his jeans ad featuring Brooke Shields and the slogan ”Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins!”

1960 [43] Allison Janney, Dayton OH, 6-ft TV actress (3 Emmy Awards as CJ Cregg-“The West Wing”)  QUOTE: (on her height) “Years ago, one casting agent told me that the only roles I could play were lesbians and aliens.”

1961 [42] Meg Ryan (Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra), Fairfield CT, cutesy movie actress with new fat-filled lips (“In the Cut”, “Sleepless in Seattle”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/ex-Mrs Dennis Quaid/ex-Russell Crowe toy

1962 [41] Jodie Foster, LA CA, movie actress (“The Panic Room”) with a pair of Academy Awards (“The Accused”, “Silence of the Lambs”) and a pair of sons from unnamed fathers

Normally there’s just one “Leonid Meteor Shower” each year, but this year has 2 – one November 13th and another expected TONIGHT. It’s a barrage of shooting stars produced when Earth passes close to the debris trail of a comet and tiny particles of dusty debris burn up in Earth’s atmosphere. The meteors enter the atmosphere at about 158,000 mph, frequently leaving glowing trails for seconds or even minutes after they are vaporized. Leonids have been reported as far back as 902 AD, when Chinese astronomers reported ‘stars fell like rain’ and Egyptians declared it ‘the year of the stars’.

TODAY is “Have A Bad Day Day”, for all the grouches who can’t stand being told constantly to
have a nice day.

TODAY is “World Toilet Day”, to encourage toilet hygiene. The Singapore-based World Toilet Organization promotes better design, ventilation and sanitation for the device that is still a luxury in many parts of the developing world. This year’s theme is ‘Latrine Etiquette’. Singapore seems a tad fixated on the subject – there are strict laws against littering in restrooms and all public toilets are stamped with a happy face sticker after they are cleaned. (Aw, put a lid on it!)

1993 [10] Oscar-winning “The Piano” opens in movie theaters

1996 [07] Pamela Anderson Lee files for divorce after 21 months of wedded hell with Tommy Lee

1895 [108] 1st ‘modern pencil’ (Frederick Blaisdell of Philadelphia patents a paper-wrapped pencil with a string, similar to present-day china markers)

1965 [38] ‘Pop Tart’ is invented (now one of the primary morning food groups)

1997 [06] Iowa’s Bobbi McCaughey gives birth to world’s only known set of living ‘septuplets’, 4 boys and 3 girls

[Thurs] Name Your PC Day
[Thurs] National Child Day in Canada
[Thurs] Universal Children’s Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Fri] World Hello Day
[Fri] False Confessions Day
[Sat] Start Your Own Country Day
[Sat] Vanier Cup (Toronto)
[Sun] Solar Eclipse (Australia/NZ)
[Mon] Eid al-Fitr begins at sunset (Islam)
This Week Is . . . National Culinary Week
This Month Is . . . British Appreciation Month

It’s “National Children’s Book Week”, a good time to review …
• “The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away”
• “Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland”
• “Alice in Wonder Bra Land”
• “Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
• “The Legend of Three-Card Monte”
• “Crying for Dummies”
• “SpongeBob’s Bleeding and Nobody Can Help!”

• “What do you do to pass the time while marooned in rush-hour traffic?” (A Pennzoil poll finds the vast majority say they talk to themselves or others – like that %#**! jerk in the tailgating Bimmer!)
• “Reports say more men are taking their wife’s surname when they get married these days. Do you know any guys who’ve done that?”

THIS WEEK is “Geography Awareness Week”, the perfect excuse for a …
• What is the largest island in Canada?
a. Vancouver Island
b. Baffin Island [CORRECT]
c. Prince Edward Island

• What is the only mountain in Canada that is the highest point in 2 provinces or territories?
a. Mt Caubvick/Mt d’Iberville, NL/QC [CORRECT]
b. Mt Columbia, AB/BC
c. Mt Wilson, YT/NWT

• About what percentage of Canada has never been permanently settled?
a. 5%
c. 89% [CORRECT]

• What is the largest land animal native to Canada?
a. Moose
b. Bison [CORRECT]
c. Beaver
Source: National Atlas on SchoolNet

• Bread that has to be sliced with an axe is bread that is just TOO nourishing.
• I was an ugly child. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• My vanity plate says ‘PMS’. Nobody cuts me off!
• My psychiatrist says I’m paranoid but I want a second opinion because I think he’s out to get me.
• They say that dog is man’s best friend. C’mon, how many of your friends have you neutered?

Today’s Question: At least 17 people die every year from touching THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hair dryer.

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

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