Wednesday, November 12, 2003 Edition: #2664
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY & Friday Mariah Carey is set to perform in Shanghai, China as part of the city’s International Arts Festival (when people hate you, go somewhere where they don’t know you) . . . Bravo TV is planning a one-off parody of its popular makeover show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, an hour-long special called “Straight Eye for the Queer Guy” in which 5 hetero men instruct a gay guy on macho subjects like power tools & sports (this was a “BS” idea weeks ago!) . . . Meantime, Comedy Central’s upcoming “Straight Plan for the Gay Man” special will feature straight comedians teaching gay guys to behave like blue-collar workers, smooth-talking womanizers, and amateur hoopsters . . . Christina Aguilera is getting flack for dumping out on the last 2 dates of her UK tour ‘due to bronchitis’, critics noting she still seems to have the strength to party till dawn . . . Pamela Anderson was ‘only joking’ when she declared hepatitis C would kill her in 5 to 10 years, according to ex-husband Tommy Lee (who’s hoping to inherit her money before then) . . . Picture this – confessed movie star wannabe Justin Timberlake has reportedly been approached about the long-delayed new “Superman” film (what, they need someone to provide the voice for ‘Lois Lane’?) . . . “Hustler” magazine publisher Larry Flynt claims he has pics of 20-year-old Iraq War POW Jessica Lynch frolicking topless with male soldiers which he says proves, “She’s not Joan of Arc” (as TV magazine shows have been portraying her) . . . And the Broadway production “Bobbi Boland”, starring former “Charlie’s Angels” icon Farrah Fawcett, has closed – before it even opened – surviving just 7 preview performances (yep, she still hasn’t got it).
New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Cellphone Macarena’ – The goofy looking dance that breaks out whenever a cellphone rings in public. Everyone reaches for their coat pocket, front pants pocket, back pants pocket, etc.
• ‘Belly Buttons’ – Health insurance lingo for people. One belly button equals one person. (“Our family dental plan covers up to 5 belly buttons.”)
10 people in the UK have volunteered to become the first in the world to undergo a face transplant. Surgeons on both sides of the Atlantic are now confident they have the skills to attempt entire face transplants from corpses to living people, but it’s likely the procedure will only be available for patients with severe facial disfigurement, NOT as a cosmetic vanity treatment. (Until some money-grubbing Hollywood doc gets an offer he can’t refuse.)
WAITER, THERE’S A MAN IN MY SOUP!
4 women are suing an Irvine CA restaurant for ‘negligence and intentional infliction of emotional distress’ after one of them found a condom in her clam chowder. (There’s no word on whether she spit or swallowed. Was the soup ribbed for her pleasure?)
GUYS & DATES:
A new poll on dating by “Men’s Health” magazine finds …
99% believe a man should pay the bill on the first date.
89% would never date a sibling’s ex-girlfriend.
73% go on vacation to meet potential partners.
71% refuse to date a buddy’s ex-girlfriend.
66% think a guy’s chances of having sex increase according to his salary.
45% have had a one-night-stand while on vacation.
41% believe it’s acceptable for a woman to ask a man how much money he makes.
31% think most men want women with power jobs.
• A Turkish woman who locked her husband in the bathroom for 3 years – naked – claims HE was mentally disturbed. The woman, who says it’s obvious her husband is loony because he takes 3 showers a day, is seeking a divorce after 15 years of wedded bliss. (Doesn’t that somehow make you feel you can work out that little tiff you had with your spouse this morning?)
• A trapeze artist in San Vicente, Chile survived a dramatic plunge after he landed on – a fat lady in the front row. The performer was hospitalized for injuries to his lower body, then sent home to rest. The unlucky front-row spectator received only minor bruises. (You don’t usually hear the good side of obesity.)
• In Japan, dead carp in a fishing pond near Tokyo have tested positive for the herpes virus in preliminary tests, adding to a spreading epidemic. If confirmed in final tests, the region will be the 8th in which carp have tested positive for herpes. (We didn’t know Christina Aguilera had toured Japan recently.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
Men are more likely to die of cardiac arrest during sex, while women are more likely to suffer a brain hemorrhage.
THE BULL SHEET 11.12.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944  Al Michaels, Brooklyn NY, TV sportscaster with 3 Emmy Awards and a bad toupee (“ABC Monday Night Football” since 1986)/National Sportscasters & Sportswriters Association Hall of Fame (1998)
1945  Neil Young, Toronto ON [raised Winnipeg], classic rock singer (“Heart of Gold”, Crosby Stills Nash &Young-“Woodstock”) FACTOID His new project “Greendale” is a multimedia package that includes a CD, DVD and narrative booklet.
1958  Megan Mullally, Oklahoma City OK, TV actress (Karen Walker-“Will & Grace” since 1998)
1966  David Schwimmer, Astoria NY, TV actor (Ross Geller-“Friends” since 1994) UP NEXT: The “Friends” spin-off sitcom “Joey”, in which ‘Joey Tribbiani’ moves to Los Angeles to pursue his acting career, coming in 2004.
1968  Sammy Sosa, San Pedro de Macoris DR, MLB slugger (Chicago Cubs) who was ejected & penalized after umpires found cork in his bat in June 2003/joined Mark McGwire in breaking Roger Maris’s former record of 61 home runs in a single season with 66 in 1998 (also hit 63 in 1999, 64 in 2001)
1978  Ashley Williams, Westchester NY, TV sitcom actress (‘Dylan Messinger’-“Good Morning, Miami”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day”. The word ‘pizza’ comes from the Latin word ‘picea’ which the Romans used to describe the blackening of bread in an oven. The world’s first true pizzeria, Antica Pizzeria Port’Alba, opened in 1830 and is still in business today in Naples, Italy. An Italian immigrant named Gennaro Lombardi opened the first American pizzeria in 1895 in NYC. Pizza is now consumed all over the world – with or without anchovies!
TODAY is “World Kindness Day” and THIS WEEK is the 9th annual “Random Acts of Kindness Week”, sponsored by the non-profit Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. It involves tens of thousands of volunteers and school kids taking part in local ‘kindness’ events in more than 5,000 communities and 35 countries.
TODAY is “Chicken Soup for the Soul Day”, honoring the sappy series of feel-good books whose mantra is ‘changing the world one story at a time’. (Or is it ‘making a fortune by paying starving writers squat to fill up our books’? … we can’t remember.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1745  1st ‘Happy Hour’, in a pub in Ireland (2-for-1 drinks and all the potatoes you can eat)
1859  1st-ever ‘flying trapeze’ act (Frenchman Jules Leotard, namesake of those cute little outfits)
1910  1st ‘movie stunt’ (a jump into Hudson River from a burning balloon)
1931  Maple Leaf Gardens opens in Toronto as the new home of the NHL’s Maple Leafs (vacated when the Air Canada Centre opened, it’s now being developed as a Loblaws supermarket to open by 2005)
1933  1st known photograph of the ‘Loch Ness monster’, by one Hugh Gray
1951  ‘National Ballet of Canada’, founded by Celia Franca, gives 1st performance (Toronto)
1973  1st ‘ATM’ installed, at a Chemical Bank in NYC (only function is to dispense cash from credit cards)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1955  Washington State and San Jose State play a college football game in front of the lowest paid attendance on record – one person
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Operating Room Nurse Day
[Fri] “Master & Commander: Far Side of the World” opens
[Fri] Pack Your Mom’s Lunch Day
[Sat] Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Sat] America Recycles Day
[Sun] 91st Grey Cup (Regina)
[Sun] 31st American Music Awards
This Week Is . . . Key Club International Week / Chemistry Week
This Month Is . . . Peanut Butter Lover’s Month / Model Railroad Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
If today is your birthday, here’s your reading in the stars … You’re in luck! What you thought was severe nausea will turn out to only be a mild case of salmonella poisoning. Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong … you haven’t been that flexible in years. Today you will also sprain an ankle, chip a tooth, drop a priceless heirloom, and lose your toothbrush. But be happy … it’s your best day of the year! Loser.
The week’s most searched terms on the Web …
1. Paris Hilton (anyone find a copy of her steamy video yet?)
2. NFL (how much did you lose betting on the Bucs this week?)
3. Britney Spears (her new album is out TUESDAY)
BS TABLOID TEASERS:
2 of the following are actual headlines from tabloids. One’s a total BS fake. But which?
GAME #1 –
• “9-Foot Guinea Pig Attacks Joggers!”
• “Just Say No to Aardvark Meat!”
• “3-Legged Man Makes Perfect Still Photos!” [FAKE]
GAME #2 –
• “Chimp Arrested For Reckless Driving!”
• “Lose 50 Pounds on the Air Diet!” [FAKE]
• “Special Forces Target Saddam’s Favorite Camel!”
GAME #3 –
• “12-Year-Old College Grad Opens Dental Office for Seniors!” [FAKE]
• “Fat-Eating Worms Suck the Blubber Right Out of You!”
• “Alien Sitcoms Are Worse than Ours!“
BS WORKING WOMEN QUIZ:
We give you TV characters, you give us their onscreen occupation –
GAME #1 –
• ‘Catherine Willows’ (Marg Helgenberger) on “CSI”. [Crime Scene Investigator]
• ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ (Sarah Jessica Parker) on “Sex & the City”. [Newspaper Columnist]
• ‘Cate Hennessy’ (Katey Sagal) on “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter”. [Nurse]
GAME #2 –
• ‘Phoebe Buffay’ (Lisa Kudrow) on “Friends”. [Masseuse]
• ‘Elizabeth Corday’ (Alex Kingston) on “ER”. [Surgeon]
• ‘Amy Gray’ (Amy Brenneman) on “Judging Amy”. [Family Court Judge]
GAME #3 –
• ‘Carrie Heffernan’ (Leah Remini) on “The King of Queens”. [Legal Secretary]
• ‘Sarah MacKenzie’ (Catherine Bell) on “JAG”. [Lawyer]
• ‘Grace Adler’ (Debra Messing) on “Will & Grace”. [Interior Decorator]
BS WEB GOODIE:
At the Mandarin Tools Website, you can follow simple instructions to get your Chinese name and what it means.
Brad Sucks is a one-man-band from Ottawa who’s put together a compilation of songs by various artists inspired by – e-mail spam. “Outside the Inbox” includes catchy little numbers called “Do You Measure Up?”, “Erik, Someone Wants To Date You”, “Urgent Business Confidential” and “Look And Feel Years Younger”. All that for just 5 bucks. Wow!
E-mail to set up interview: firstname.lastname@example.org
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most people say they buy THIS based on the shape of the package.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A box of chocolates.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.