Tuesday, November 11, 2003        Edition: #2663
A Bull in Hand Is A Sheetload of Fun!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in music stores – “The Essential Bruce Springsteen” 3-CD set that includes songs from
every Springsteen album plus previously unreleased tracks, and “American Idol” winner Ruben Studdard’s debut album, “Soulful” . . . TODAY the book, “I Am a Soldier Too”, is released by 20-year-old American soldier Private Jessica Lynch, who reportedly slams the US government for exaggerating the account of her ‘rescue’ from Iraqi captors . . . Actress Cate Blanchett says she only discovered she was pregnant with her 2nd child when she passed out on the set of her new movie, “The Life Aquatic”, ironically while she was being fitted with a prosthetic belly – to play a pregnant mother! . . . For a new British documentary, 7 former girlfriends of Rod Stewart promise to reveal the truth about the wrinkle rocker (juicy tidbits like his penchant for wearing women’s undies), but former girlfriends Kelly LeBrock & Rachel Hunter had the class to decline comment . . . Nissan Altima is planting actors in some movie theaters to perform live commercials before the start of showings of “The Matrix Revolutions”, timed to synchronize with an ad the audience sees on-screen (next there’ll be dancing hot dogs before the feature presentation).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines” (Sci-Fi – DVD/VHS): ‘John Connor’ is now in his 20s and a female terminator is after him (‘Terminatrix’ or ‘T-X’, played by Kristanna Loken). This lame sequel may be the reason Arnold Schwarzenegger began looking for work elsewhere.
• “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd” (Comedy – DVD/VHS): In this prequel to 1994′s “Dumb & Dumber”, ‘Lloyd’ (Eric Christian Olsen) meets ‘Harry’ (Derek Richardson) for the first time on the first day of high school. How bad must a sequel be when the original stars (Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels) turn it down?
• “The Music Man” (Musical – DVD/VHS): An updated TV movie version of the classic musical, starring Matthew Broderick as ‘Harold Hill’ and including some of the best-loved songs in musical history.
• “No Good Deed” (Thriller – DVD): Heist flick starring Samuel L Jackson as a vacationing police detective who does a friend a favor by searching for his runaway daughter. He uncovers a bizarre band of international bond thieves about to pull off a bank robbery.
• There are also new DVD editions of “JFK (2-Disc Special Edition)”, “Pumping Iron: 25th Anniversary Edition“, “King of the Hill: Season 2″, and the “Little Hunter” video from Detroit filmmaker Wayne Meech, designed to introduce toddlers to the joys of hunting. No real-life Bambi-killing is shown but puppets are used to illustrate how various prey, such as deer or grouse, move about in the wild (skinning and trophy mounting will be dealt with in Volume 2).

YOUR MOVE, INEPT HUMAN:
TODAY at the ESPN Zone in NYC, world champion chess player Garry Kasparov will don 3-D glasses and use voice commands to control his pieces as he begins a week-long match against X3D Technologies’ “Fritz”, the world’s most powerful 3-D computer chess program. It’s never been beaten since its creation in 1991, so no one knows how the program terminates if a human beats it. In 1997, Kasparov was beaten by IBM’s “Deep Blue” computer. In January of THIS YEAR he tied a match with another computer program called “Deep Junior”.

PLS LVE MY FON ALONE:
Beware! Spam is about to come at you from another angle – text-message ads. It’s common in Japan and Europe but elsewhere most mobile phone users don’t yet receive ads on their screens. However, an advertising conference in San Diego has heard that’s about to change. Marketing boosters predict that plenty of mobile phone users will be willing to opt in to receive and even pay for tips about promotions and special events on their phone screens. One advertising keener claims customers appreciate good, targeted messages.

A COLLEGE OFFERING A ‘BS’:
Hey dude, looking to get your Bachelor of Surfing? Australia’s Southern Cross University (SCU) is now offering a diploma in ‘Sports Management: Surfing Studies’ at its Tweed Gold Coast campus, just minutes down the highway from the tourist hot spot Surfers Paradise. The university stresses the course is aimed at those who want to work in ‘surfing management’ or elsewhere in the surfing industry. Surfing itself is not on the curriculum.

BEDS ARE BIGGER:
The 60-by-80-inch ‘Queen Size’ mattress is now the largest-selling size, according to the International Sleep Products Association, but the 72-by-84-inch ‘King Size’ is gaining. And one mattress company, Select Comfort, has now introduced the ‘Grand King’ mattress – 80-by-98 inches. (That’s no mattress, it’s a flippin’ trampoline!)

HITLER FAILS TO MAKE LIST:
Millions of German TV viewers have picked the ‘Father of Communism’ Karl Marx, scientist Albert Einstein, religious reformer Martin Luther, classical composer Johann Sebastian Bach, and former chancellors Konrad Adenauer, Willy Brandt, and Otto von Bismarck among the ‘Best Germans’ of all-time in a national call-in vote. A winner will be selected from the top 10 in 3 weeks. (Try a greatest Canadian list? Tommy Hunter?)

CHUBBY CHICKENS:
We’ve all heard how humans are getting obese. Well so are chickens! Studies show that chickens are bigger than ever before, about 20% heavier than 50 years ago. Why? To keep pace with demand, the poultry industry has developed breeding and raising techniques that give the average chicken a thicker breast, fatter wings and chubbier drumsticks. It’s estimated these altered birds are growing at about 4 times the rate of a normal chicken. Critics say they’re very unhealthy. (Fans say they’re tasty.)

LUDICROUS LAWS:
• In Singapore prostitution is legal but oral sex is not, even between consenting adults. A local court has just sentenced a 27-year-old police sergeant to 2 years in jail for the offence. He was lucky – the maximum punishment is life imprisonment!
• Egypt has just banned non-Egyptians from making a living as – professional belly dancers.
• Moscow city authorities are considering levying fines for public displays of affection as part of an effort to ‘improve morals’. Kissing in subways and other public places would be prohibited under penalty of fines up to $17.
• A 13-year-old Richland Hills, Texas schoolboy is facing a fine of nearly $300 for – giving a girl in his class a hickey.

SINGLE WOMAN SURVEY:
“FHM” magazine polled 100 women and found …
73% make the first move.
64% have gone to a wedding alone.
55% have gone to the movies by themselves.
48% have juggled boyfriends.
37% plan to take their future husband’s last name.
22% prefer being single.
20% have purchased a sex toy.
19% own a cat.
11% hate sharing their bed.
9% prefer one-night stands.
7% wouldn’t mind supporting their husband financially.
6% would consider proposing to a man.
3% have made a life decision based on their horoscope.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• According to research company NPD Group, over 1.7 million households deleted music files in AUGUST after the RIAA started suing P2P users for downloading files.
• The average dolphin has the intelligence of a 7-year-old child. (Or 3 Jessica Simpsons.)

THE BULL SHEET 11.11.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [78] Jonathan Winters, Dayton OH, improv comic who influenced many of today’s comedians

1962 [41] Demi (Demetria) Moore, Roswell NM, movie actress (“Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”, “Ghost”, “Indecent Proposal”)/Ashton Kutcher’s mommy figure/ex-Mrs Bruce Willis

1964 [39] Calista Flockhart, Freeport IL, former TV actress (“Ally McBeal”)/Harrison Ford’s companion (and soon-to-be-wife?)

1974 [29] Leonardo DiCaprio, Hollywood CA, movie actor (“The Gangs of New York”, “Titanic”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Remembrance Day”, commemorating the end of WWI at 11 am on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. It’s observed in Canada, Britain, the USA (renamed Veterans Day in 1954), Belgium & France (Armistice Day).
• French Army clerk Henri Deledicq finished typing the peace treaty that would end WWI at 5 am 11/11/18. Apparently tired, he put the carbon paper in backwards and later in a railroad car in France, military leaders signed copies of an armistice that were completely unreadable.
• The Remembrance Day poppy program run by the Canadian Legion raises over $5 million each year for veterans’ causes.
• The original tradition is to observe TWO minutes silence at 11am.

TODAY is the 84th annual observance of “Veterans’ Day”. Originally called Armistice Day, then renamed in 1954, it commemorates the end of WWI at 11 am on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. The day now honors all military veterans.
• Observed as Remembrance Day in Canada & Britain, Armistice Day in Belgium & France.
• French Army clerk Henri Deledicq finished typing the peace treaty that would end WW I at 5 am 11/11/18. Apparently tired, he put the carbon paper in backwards and later in a railroad car in France, military leaders signed copies of an armistice that were completely unreadable.
• President Warren G Harding dedicated the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier” at Arlington National Cemetery 82 years ago today (1921).
• Kate Smith sang the Irving Berlin song “God Bless America” in public for the first time during an Armistice Day radio broadcast 64 years ago today (1939).
• America’s participation in the Vietnam War officially ended 31 years ago today (1972).
• President Ronald Reagan dedicated the US Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington 19 years ago today (1984).

TODAY is the Christian observance “Martinmas”, when they’ll stage the annual “Martinmas Goose Celebration” in front of the town hall of Sursee, Switzerland. Blindfolded participants try to cut down a suspended goose with a single sword stroke. The warm weather that often occurs around this time is called ‘St Martin’s Summer’ in Europe, ‘Indian Summer’ in North America.

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 500th edition of “ABC’s Monday Night Football” (Oakland QB Rich Gannon completes NFL record 21 consecutive passes & WR Jerry Rice becomes 1st to score 200 career TDs as Raiders dump Denver Broncos 34-10)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790 [213] ‘Chrysanthemums’ 1st introduced from China (spelling bee judges are thrilled)

1940 [63] 1st ‘Jeep’ is made by the Willys Company, the name coming from the initials ‘G-P’ for ‘General Purpose Vehicle’ (made for military use, NOT for going shopping at the mall)

1959 [44] 1st episode of “Rocky & His Friends” on TV, featuring ‘Bullwinkle the Moose’ (Where did they live? Frostbite Falls.)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [15] ‘Loudest measured scream’ by a human – 128 decibels (some guy in a ‘zipper accident’?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Operating Room Nurse Day
[Fri] “Master & Commander: Far Side of the World” opens
[Fri] Pack Your Mom’s Lunch Day
[Sat] Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Sat] America Recycles Day
[Sun] 91st Grey Cup (Regina)
[Sun] 31st American Music Awards
This Week Is . . . Random Acts of Kindness Week
This Month Is . . . Family Caregivers Month / Healthy Skin Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
CREATE YOUR OWN INTOLERANCE:

Religions need some new stereotypes. The old ones are getting, well, old. Here’s a few suggestions. Feel free to add your own.
• Catholics have secret weddings.
• Buddhists insatiably crave ginseng.
• Jews can fly.
• Mormons can’t resist blondes.
• Methodists are faith-bound to consume the container of whatever food they are eating.
• Jehovah’s Witnesses own the majority of telemarketing companies.
• Baptists regularly patrol lakes, sinking or burning heathen ships.
• Atheists like to wear green hoods and burn large wooden question marks.

BS PHONE STARTER:
• “Homeopathy is a load of crap. Do you agree or are you treating your flu with aromatic oils and a slug?”
• “What was your most outrageous pregnancy craving?”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• OK, I’m weird. But I’m saving up to become eccentric.
• Smith & Wesson has introduced a new ‘hunting revolver’, the .500 Magnum, 3 times as powerful as a .44 Magnum. For really big deer we presume. Go ahead, make my century.
• Quit worrying about your health. It’ll go away.
• Here’s the forecast. Weather conditions will persist throughout the day, with widespread temperatures and a 60% chance of incorrect statistics.
• My doctor told me jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Almost half of all women never do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Engage in vigorous exercise.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you don’t know where you’re going, you will probably end up somewhere else.


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