Friday, November 7, 2003 Edition: #2661
Thanks For Being a Bull Market!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY filmmaker Norman Jewison, musician Ian Tyson and ex-“Royal Canadian Air Farce” comedian Dave Broadfoot are among the 6 honorees at the12th annual Governor General’s Performing Arts Awards at Rideau Hall in Ottawa, each receiving $15,000 and a commemorative medallion (after the agony of officiating, Adrienne Clarkson will need another million-dollar vacation) . . . TODAY & Sunday the Rolling Stones are scheduled to play at Hong Kong’s “Harborfest”, although the SARS-relief concert series has thus far been so messed up, there could be last minute changes . . . Discussions are under way to bring NBC’s “Late Night With Conan O’Brien to Toronto for a week in FEBRUARY . . . Word is when Barbra Streisand recently appeared on “Oprah”, she insisted that the black microphone be spray-painted beige – to match her outfit . . . “Lord of the Rings” star Elijah Wood is setting up his own record label and recently moved from LA to NYC to seek out ‘emerging bands’ . . . Hip-hop group Arrested Development is suing FOX-TV for trademark infringement over the use of their name as the title of the new Ron Howard-produced TV series starring Jason Bateman & Portia de Rossi . . . “Finding Nemo” is the fastest-selling DVD and video – ever . . . Word is 22-year-old Justin Timberlake & 31-year-old Cameron Diaz are planning to get married on Valentine’s Day, a ‘fact’ confirmed by a fortune teller who read her palm at a party (oh well, etch it in stone then) . . . Dixie Chick Martie Maguire is expecting twins (a pair of chicklets) . . . Christina Aguilera recently caused a commotion when she passed through airport security because metal detectors were set off by her – intimate piercings . . . And “Rolling Stone” has named “Newlyweds” star Jessica Simpson the ‘Housewife of the Year’, and the ditzy blonde reveals in the mag’s interview that she hates her size D boobs and she’s $3 million in debt.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Elf” (Seasonal Family Comedy): Will Ferrell plays a human who, as a baby, crawled into Santa’s bag and was accidentally carried to the North Pole where he was raised as an elf. As an adult, he returns to the human world to search for his dad (James Caan), a high-powered scrooge who lives in NYC.
• “Love Actually” (Limited Release Romantic Comedy): In this series of interwoven romantic love stories set in modern-day London, Hugh Grant plays the newly-elected British prime minister, a bachelor who falls for a young girl on his first day in office; Emma Thompson plays a happily married woman who fears that her husband may leave; and Liam Neeson plays a widowed father left to care for his only son.
THE CRITICS SAY:
Only 38% of critics recommend “The Matrix Revolutions”, according to Rotten Tomatoes, a Website that compiles movie reviews. A sampling …
• “The new Matrix flick sucks so bad it could pull the moon out of its orbit.”
• “So disappointing they may as well have bussed in ‘Ewoks’ to save ‘Zion’.”
• “Please someone, get me the blue pill. I want to forget that this ambitious and noteworthy series is ending so weakly.”
• “After all is said and done, I wish they would have left the trilogy to one.”
BLACK HOLE MOON:
TOMORROW sky watchers in North & South America as well as much of Europe and Africa get the 2nd chance this year to see a total Lunar Eclipse, as the Moon will disappear completely within Earth’s shadow. The eclipse occurs SATURDAY night over the Americas and early SUNDAY morning in Europe. 2003’s first eclipse on MAY 15th was blocked by cloud cover over much of eastern North America. Clear skies should provide a great view – there’s a Full Moon phase SUNDAY, the November version known as the ‘Beaver Moon’.
• THIS WEEK in Tokyo, Triumph International unveiled new lingerie for women who are trying to quit smoking. How could clingy underthings help you stop puffing? Fragrance capsules imbedded in the bra are designed to calm cravings, and the underwear is also treated with liquefied titanium oxide to break down smells from second-hand smoke. (“Excuse me ma’am, I feel the urge to light up. Can you help?”)
• According to new stats from the underwear making Hanes Co, the most popular panty cut for women is the ‘hi-cut brief’, followed by the ‘bikini cut’. Contrary to what you might think, ‘thong’ undies come in a distant 3rd. (Further proof that few people like to floss.)
WACK NEW PRODUCTS:
• Japanese telecommunications giant NTT DoCoMo is developing a wristwatch phone called the ‘Finger Whisper’. Calls are started or ended by the user touching the forefinger to the thumb. There is no keypad – voice recognition technology is used to dial numbers. To speak, the user speaks into a microphone on the wristband. And here’s the really strange part – the wristband converts digital signals into vibrations that are transmitted into the bones of the hand. Then – no BS – the user simply puts his finger into his ear to listen. (When you tell someone to ‘stick it in your ear’ … they actually have to!)
• Swaying Willow Chardonnay from Australia is billing itself as ‘The First Diet Wine’ with only one-third of the usual calories in a glass of wine. But does it taste any good? Well, it purportedly has the ‘creamy, peachy character you’d expect from a chardonnay, with a hint of oak on the palette’. (Translation: Tastes like Diet Coke.)
TOMORROW in Los Angeles, Bonhams & Butterfields auction house is holding a motorcycle memorabilia auction that includes a Harley once owned by Keanu Reeves, expected to fetch upwards of $15,000. There are also previously owned hogs from Billy Joel and several ridden by basketball great Karl Malone. Among the accessories up for grabs – a rare Harley-Davidson pinball machine, and motorcycle gas tanks autographed by the likes of Madonna and Christina Aguilera.
AND WE QUOTE:
“The Hilton family is greatly saddened at how low human beings will stoop to exploit their daughter Paris, who is sweet-natured, for their own self-promotion as well as profit motives. Paris is working very hard on her career. The release of a private tape between a younger girl and her older boyfriend is more than upsetting.” – Statement released by the Hilton family. (Just what is her ‘career’ anyway?)
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to Weber Grills, a total of 51 million Americans will attend a tailgate party sometime during the current football season.
THE BULL SHEET 11.07.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1918  (William Franklin) Billy Graham, Charlotte NC, evangelist who’s preached to more people in live audiences than anyone else in history – over 210 million in more than 185 countries & territories
1943  Joni Mitchell (Roberta Anderson), Fort McLeod AB, pop/folk singer/songwriter (“Big Yellow Taxi”, “Both Sides Now”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1997)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2000)
1965  Pillsbury Doughboy (aka Poppin’ Fresh), pops out of his 1st can of Pillsbury refrigerated dough in a commercial for crescent rolls and within 3 years, 87% of the population recognizes his name & likeness
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931  Morley Safer, Toronto ON, TV journalist (11 Emmy Awards for work on “60 Minutes” since 1970)
19?? [she won’t say] Luba Goy, of Ukrainian descent, born on a train traveling through Germany, CBC-TV/radio comedian (“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1949  Bonnie Raitt, Burbank CA, rock/blues singer/songwriter (Grammy Award-“Nick of
Time”, “Something to Talk About”)
1950  Mary Hart, Madison SD, TV host (“Entertainment Tonight” since 1982)/former high school English teacher in Sioux Falls SD and ’Miss South Dakota’ 1970
1967  Courtney Thorne-Smith, San Francisco CA, TV actress (Cheryl-“According to Jim” since 2001, “Ally McBeal” 1997-2000)
1975  Tara Reid, Wyckoff NJ, movie actress (“Van Wilder”, “American Pie 1 & 2″)
1985  Jack Osbourne, London UK, TV ‘personality’ (“The Osbournes”)/rehab grad/son of Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne/brother of Kelly & Aimee
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] National Notary Public Day
TODAY is “PMS Stress Day”, founded in 1995. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. If not, get the hell out of the way!
TODAY-November 16th is the 81st annual “Royal Winter Fair” at Toronto’s Exhibition Place, the ‘largest combined indoor agricultural, horticultural, canine & equestrian exhibition in the world’ (uh, is there another one?). TODAY & tomorrow the RCMP Musical Ride is featured.
PHONER: 416.263.3400 (Fair Office)/416.217.0700 x302 (Emily McInerney-PR)
SATURDAY in Seattle WA, the “Beautiful Oyster Contest” marks the return of Pacific oyster season. Mollusk farmers display their most beauteous shellfish atop glass pedestals draped with black velvet. Judges rank oysters on the shape, size & color of both the shell and meat. The farmer with the winning oyster gets $500. And what’s the winning oyster get? Usually it just gets tossed in the garbage because its been handled by so many people. Aw shucks!
TOMORROW is “Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day”, a day to offset the coming chills of winter. What’s the most pungent thing you can cook? In other words, what stinks up the kitchen the most – cabbage rolls? fish? lamb? garlic? onions?
TOMORROW is “National Return It! Day”, a day to take back all the stuff you’ve borrowed from others. According to a survey, 65% of us have borrowed something from a neighbor. Top loaners for men – tools, borrowed by 37%. Most borrowed item by women – sugar, which 25% say they’ve trotted next door for.
THIS MONTH is “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Month”. Why? According to researchers, NOVEMBER is the month when the most hair falls out.
3 YEARS AGO . . .
2000 US VP Al Gore wins the popular vote but loses the US presidency to George W Bush by
electoral votes (it takes over a month before Supreme Court gives Bush the win)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1999  Tiger Woods becomes 1st golfer to win 4 consecutive tournaments since Ben Hogan in 1953
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1943  Last time a ‘scoreless tie’ is recorded in the NFL (Detroit Lions-0, NY-Giants 0, Fans-ZZ)
1975  John Anderson of Los Angeles plays guitar non-stop for record 114 hours, 17 minutes
1982  1st pro QB to pass for 5,000 yds in a single football season (Warren Moon-Edmonton Eskimos)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Dunce Day
[Sat] Parents As Teachers Day
[Mon] Johnny Cash Tribute Concert (Nashville)
[Tues] Remembrance Day
[Tues] Veterans’ Day (USA)
This Week Is . . . Canadian Children’s Book Week / Split Pea Soup Week
This Month Is . . . Child Safety & Protection Month / Epilepsy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PARIS HILTON FASHION TIPS:
Wanna be attractive to the male species? Any average-looking woman can achieve artificial Hilton hotness by following this 4-step guide …
1. Bleach your hair.
2. Become ridiculously skinny.
3. Wear 8 lbs of makeup.
4. Wear slutty clothes.
WORST MOVIES OF ALL-TIME:
2. “AI: Artificial Intelligence”
3. “Pearl Harbor”
4. “Vanilla Sky”
5. “The Blair Witch Project”
Source: New BBC “Film 2003″ poll.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“If you were reincarnated, would you want to be the opposite sex?” (In a recent poll, 60% of men said they wanted to return as a female, but only 19% of women wanted to swap sex.)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
• How can I get up so early every day? I usually take a half-hour afternoon nap from 1 to 4.
• Viagra has reached a promotional deal with the PGA. The theme will be something about scoring with fewer strokes … and more FOREplay!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 1 in 4 married guys say they’d rather stay up late doing THIS than go to bed with their wives.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Play with their electronic gadgets.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Art is anything you can get away with.