Wednesday, November 5, 2003        Edition: #2659
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

The new woman in 5-time Tour de France champ Lance Armstrong’s life right now is not Sandra Bullock, as has been reported, but Sheryl Crow, although he apparently did give Bullock a charm bracelet inscribed “You keep my heart racing” (with all these babes and an ugly divorce in the works – this guy’s got a lot of balls in the air!) . . . Actress Shirley MacLaine is making the rounds to promote her new book, “Out on a Leash”, which she says she ‘co-wrote’ with her dog ‘Terry’, whom she claims was a princess in a past life (turns out her dog’s the better writer) . . . Each ‘queer eye’ is now worth 5,000 bucks more per episode as the Fab Five makeover team from “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” has received a salary bump to $8,000 per show (and it has to be paid in those pretty new peachy 20s) . . . ABC-TV plans to remake “Little House on the Prairie” as a 6-hour miniseries for NEXT SEASON (we like Jack Black as ‘Pa Ingalls’) . . . Shania Twain has bought a 200-acre farm near Lake Wakatipu on New Zealand’s South Island, where the wild scenery reportedly reminds her of where she grew up in Canada (are there a lot of sheep in Timmins?) . . . Retired NBA superstar Magic Johnson has signed a $1-a-year deal with the Harlem Globetrotters to suit up as number ‘32′ with the team anytime he wants . . . Britney Spears has been looking at a 4-bedroom London townhouse owned by her pal Madonna’s hubby Guy Ritchie, who’s willing to part with it for a paltry $4.8 million . . . Self-involved singer Mariah Carey has received a pair of $48,000 diamond earrings for her birthday from Prince Haji Al-Muhtadee Billah, the son of the Sultan of Brunei, who has a personal fortune of $48 billion (oh in that case … cheap bastard!).

TODAY “The Matrix Revolutions” opens at the exact same moment worldwide, the first-ever simultaneous global movie release. ‘Zero hour’ showtime is 6am in Vancouver, 9am in Toronto, 2pm in London, 5pm in Moscow, 11pm in Tokyo and at corresponding times in over 60 other countries, including 130 screens in China. “The Matrix Revolutions: The IMAX Experience” also debuts at select giant-screen IMAX theaters.

• Vince Gill hosts the “Country Music Association Awards” TONIGHT on CBS-TV, live from the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville.
• Toby Keith leads nominations with 7, including ‘Entertainer of the Year’. The late Johnny Cash and Brad Paisley follow with 4 nominations apiece.
• Performers include Shania Twain, Toby Keith, Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett, Martina McBride, George Strait, and a duet by Dolly Parton with – huh? – Norah Jones.
• Singer Carl Smith (“Don’t Just Stand There”) & late pianist Floyd Cramer (“Last Date”) will be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.

New jargon to make you sound cool …
• ‘Work Spasm’ – The initial spurt of energy you pour into work after returning from vacation or a particularly relaxing weekend. It’s generally long gone by Wednesday.
• ‘PFE’ – Stands for ‘Purpose For Existing’. (“Cooking meals and cleaning up after the family seems to be my entire PFE.”)
• ‘Buck-Rake’ – To hold a political fund-raiser. (“She’s not in the office at the moment, she’s attending a buck-rake luncheon for her campaign.”)

Nearly 50% of mobile service users (84% of whom are male) say they take their Personal Digital Assistants on dates or to dinner. And there’s worse news for their partners who may feel a little bit ignored. Roughly 11% say they’d have a harder time parting with their cellphones or PDAs than they would with their dates. The survey was conducted by AvantGo. (Would it be against the law to go around grabbing these things out of people’s hands and throwing them as far away as you can? Oh. Too bad!)

Just because you’re overweight doesn’t mean you’re out of shape or unfit. Several studies have shown that you only have to lose a few pounds in order to see immediate, positive results in your cholesterol, blood pressure and insulin levels. At UCLA, researchers put 11 obese men on a low-fat, high-fiber diet, with daily 45-to-60-minute walks on treadmills. After just 3 weeks, the men only lost a few pounds but their cholesterol levels plummeted 19% and their insulin levels dropped by nearly 50%. Several who entered the study with high blood pressure left with normal readings. The upshot – you don’t have to lose a lot of weight or be really thin in order to get major reductions in health risks. (So go ahead, Porky – have another Boston Cream doughnut.)

Researchers at Penn State University say that all types of music seems to improve moods. In an experiment students were asked to keep diaries of their listening habits for 2 weeks, noting the time spent listening to music, the type of music, their activities while listening, and how they felt before and after. The results – when students were already feeling positive, music listening increased the intensity of these feelings. When they were pessimistic or angry, the negative mood decreased during music listening. The outcomes were consistent no matter what type of music was preferred, whether it be classical, country, pop, or even heavy metal. (Well, except for smooth jazz, which seemed to cause a lot of speaker damage from ax attacks.)

• Two Japanese men who suffered from depression after their employer left them nothing to do have qualified to receive – worker’s compensation. It’s the first time remuneration has been doled out because management stripped employees of all duties.
• A supermarket in southern China has ordered its workers to each kill at least 5 flies every day, forbidding them to go home until the quota is met. The rule has been introduced to – improve hygiene.
• An Austrian school has replaced the school bell with music after psychologists said the sound of the bell was ‘too stressful’ for students. Mattersburg High School is believed to be the first in the world to mark the end of each class with – soft music.

Raphaela Le Gouvello of France has arrived in Papeete, Tahiti after successfully windsurfing 5,000 miles across the Pacific Ocean from Lima, Peru in 89 days. She averaged 7 hours of sailing per day on a custom-made board that allowed her to sleep without capsizing.

Over 56% of applicants fail their driving test on the first try in Britain. Incredibly bad drivers? Nope, just a really tough test! It calls for complicated maneuvers such as backing around a corner, or backing up a street along the curb. Touch the curb once with a wheel and you fail!


1941 [62] Art Garfunkel, Forest Hills NY, folk/pop singer (Simon & Garfunkel-“Bridge Over Troubled Water”, “I Am a Rock”) currently touring with ‘60s singing partner Paul Simon (TONIGHT in San Jose CA)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1990)

1943 [60] Sam Shepard (Rogers), Ft Sheridan IL, movie actor (“Black Hawk Down”, “The Pelican Brief”)/playwright/Mr Jessica Lange

1959 [44] Bryan Adams, Kingston ON, pop singer (Grammy Award-“[Everything I Do] I Do It For You”, “Cuts Like a Knife”)

1965 [38] Famke Janssen, Amsterdam NETH, movie actress (“X-Men 1 & 2”, “GoldenEye”)

1971 [32] Jon Greenwood, Oxford ENG, rock musician (Radiohead-“Knives Out”, “Creep”)

1974 [29] Ryan Adams, Jacksonville NC, alt-rock singer (“To Be Young [Is To Be Sad, Is To Be High]”, “Whiskeytown”)

[Canada] Take Our Kids to Work Day
[Edmonton] Canadian Finals Rodeo begins
[Saskatchewan] Election Day

TODAY is “Guy Fawkes Day” in England, a traditional celebration since 1752. It commemorates the 1605 ‘Gunpowder Plot’ when Fawkes-led Catholics attempted to blow up the Parliament Buildings. One of the day’s traditions gives it its nickname – ‘Bonfire Night’.

TOMORROW is “National Men Make Dinner Day”, a day designated for the man of the house to make all dinner preparations from food shopping to the post-meal cleanup. Pizza deliveries, leftovers from the prior night, and barbecued entrees are not allowed! (Is this not sexual stereotyping? There are lots of households where the male handles the cooking every day … aren’t there?)

THIS MONTH is “Family Stories Month”, a good excuse to ask an older person to tell you a fascinating story about his or her youth. (If you’ve got several hours to burn.)

THIS MONTH is “National Drum Month”, a good excuse to make fun of the least-respected of all musicians by opening up the lines for listeners to call in ‘drummer jokes’.

1988 [15] Beach Boys hit #1 with the single “Kokomo”, the longest gap between #1 hits by an artist (21 years, 10 months since “Good Vibrations”)

1923 [80] 1st ‘electric shaver’ patented (and 1st guy suffers severe pain when nose hair gets caught)

1933 [70] 1st ‘stereo broadcast’ on FM (Edwin Howard Armstrong)

1935 [68] Board game ‘Monopoly’ launched by Parker Bros

1937 [66] World’s ‘oldest cat’ dies at age 34

1971 [32] LA Lakers begin ‘longest winning streak’ in pro sports history by winning first of 33 consecutive basketball games

1994 [09] 45-year-old George Foreman becomes ‘oldest heavyweight boxing champion’ by KO-ing Michael Moorer (who will never live it down)

[Thurs] Saxophone Day
[Thurs] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Fri] Governor General’s Performing Arts Awards (Ottawa)
[Sat] Lunar Eclipse
[Sat] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
[Sun] Beaver Moon (Full Moon in November)
[Mon] Johnny Cash Tribute Concert (Nashville)
This Week Is . . . French Conversation Week
This Month Is . . . National Impotency Month


If today is your birthday, here’s your reading in the stars … You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers and by carrying a blowgun you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. But then, when you come down to it, who really needs astrology? The wise man gets by on fortune cookies!

• Why do we close our eyes when we sneeze?
a. It’s a built-in reflex to keep them from bugging out. [CORRECT]
b. To protect them from the germs that are discharged.
c. Originally it was just to avoid seeing what comes out.

• What’s the purpose of the ball on top of a flagpole?
a. It was added during WW2 to protect paratroopers.
b. Its round shape lowers wind resistance.
c. None. Just looks good. [CORRECT]

• Why is there more static electricity in buildings in winter than in summer?
a. The air is cooler.
b. The air is drier. [CORRECT]
c. The air is charged with electricity from solar storms.

The week’s most requested music files online …
1. 50 Cent – “PIMP”
2. OutKast – “Hey Ya”
3. Beyonce Knowles – “Baby Boy”
4. OutKast – “The Way You Move”
5. Ludacris – “Stand Up”
FACTOID: SoundScan reports that music fans have legally downloaded more than 7.7 million digital songs since the end of JUNE, compared to just 4 million CD singles sales.

I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

Today’s Question: According to French scientists, THIS is the quickest way to wake up a penguin.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Touch its feet.

I think, therefore I am … overqualified!

Printer Friendly Version