Tuesday, November 4, 2003        Edition: #2658
Know Your Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY on “Oprah” – Dolly Parton, Shania Twain, Alison Krauss & Melissa Etheridge, promoting the new Parton tribute album, “Just Because I’m A Woman” (the show’s reportedly a 3-hankie event) . . . TODAY the new exhibit, “Bravehearts: Men in Skirts”, opens at NYC’s Metropolitan Museum of Art, including skirts and kilts worn by Kurt Cobain, Boy George, Sean Connery, Mel Gibson & David Bowie, along with the dress/coat worn by Keanu Reeves in the “Matrix” movies . . . TODAY “The Matrix Revolutions” soundtrack hits music stores (a day before the movie’s unprecedented simultaneous global release), along with “The Very Best of Sheryl Crow”, her greatest hits package . . . TONIGHT, the first Tuesday of the NOVEMBER sweeps rating period, NBC-TV is running a 90-minute “Fear Factor” special to replace its lame sitcoms “Whoopi”, “Happy Family” & “Good Morning, Miami” (after this, Madagascar hissing cockroaches will be an endangered species!) . . .  Justin Timberlake will write the theme music for ABC-TV’s NBA coverage and will star in the network’s NBA promotional campaign, “Can’t Get Enough” . . . Cher’s farewell tour was the biggest-ever for a female artist – grossing $145 million (that oughta buy a lot of plastic!) . . . Hollywood attorney Anthony Brooklier is attacking Enrique Iglesias’ new video, “Addicted”, because it includes a sexy, semi-naked scene involving a minor – 17-year-old actress Mischa Barton . . . 6 men who were contestants on the Brit TV reality show, “There’s Something About Miriam”, are threatening to sue to stop the show from airing because the beautiful ‘Miriam’ whom they were attempting to seduce turned out to be – a guy (hmm, it’s the girl with something extra) . . . Loser California gubernatorial candidate, porn actress Mary Carey, is now shooting “Run Mary Run”, an X-rated film with 2 male actors playing the roles of ‘Ernie Gropenegger’ and ‘Spooge Cruztamante’.
 
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:

• “Finding Nemo” (Family Adventure – DVD/VHS): Disney’s highest-grossing animated film of all time ($326 million) is an underwater father-son story about ‘Nemo’, a boy clownfish, who’s stolen from his Great Barrier Reef home, causing his pop to search the ocean to find him. Features the voices of Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres, Willem Dafoe, Brad Garrett, Allison Janney & oodles more. (Get ready for another round of fish flushing as kids ‘free’ their home versions of Nemo.)
• “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde” (Comedy – DVD/VHS): Reese Witherspoon returns as ‘Elle Woods’, the fashion-conscious lawyer in pink, who’s now in Washington DC on the staff of a congresswoman (Sally Field), and working to pass a bill that bans animal testing.
• There’s also Avril Lavigne’s 1st concert DVD, “My World”, recorded in Buffalo NY earlier THIS YEAR, “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights”, an animated Chanukah musical comedy fable, and a compilation DVD of “The Anna Nicole Show: Season One”.

BETWEEN THE COVERS:
• 40-year-old drifter Kirk Jones of Canton MI, the idiot who went over Niagara Falls OCTOBER 20th and lived, is co-writing a book about it with his brother Keith. They say it will be a ‘lighthearted’ look at the stunt with the tentative title, “You’re Kidding Me: A Knucklehead’s Guide To Surviving Niagara Falls”. Jones now says part of the reason he went over the Canadian Horseshoe Falls was – he was loaded on vodka & Coke. (Yuck! That explains it – even one vodka and Coca-Cola cocktail would make you want to kill yourself!)
• These are the symptoms – intestinal gas, vomiting, bloody nose, bloody gums, excess saliva and hairy patches on the face. What’s the condition? Pregnancy, according to the new book “Pregnancy Sucks” by Joanne Kimes, which offers tips on how to survive the ordeal. (Is this really a self-help book or some twisted form of birth control?)

DRAC’ IS BACK ON TRACK:
Plans for a ‘Dracula Park’ in Romania that include a giant roller-coaster, catacombs and a house of horrors are back in the works after being long-delayed. The idea was resurrected when it was agreed that publicity for the theme park will make it clear that the legendary Vlad the Impaler was actually a brave defender of Christianity and nothing like Bram Stoker’s fictional “Dracula”. The revived plan calls for the park to be built in Snagov, just outside the Romanian capital, Bucharest. When completed, it’s expected to draw a million visitors a year. (Wow, what a boost for the plastic fang industry!)

AMERICA’S BEST FOR WOMEN:
“Self” magazine has ranked the USA’s 200 largest cities based on women’s health issues. Burlington VT tops the list, thanks to the highest rate of ob/gyns per capita, low crime, and a prevalence of health clubs and organic food stores. On the other end of the scale, St Louis MO ranks last, thanks to poor air quality, high stress levels and high rates of smoking and the gift that keeps on giving – STDs.

CRASH TEST:
A new study ranks who’s most likely to get into a vehicle accident based on occupation. The stats are used to help insurance companies rate driver risk (and presumably set premium rates). Here’s the top and bottom 5 …
MOST ACCIDENT-PRONE:
1. Students
2. Doctors
3. Lawyers
4. Architects
5. Real Estate Agents
LEAST ACCIDENT-PRONE:
1. Farmers
2. Firefighters
3. Pilots
4. Politicians
5. Homemakers
Source: Quality Planning Corporation

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … women with breast implants are 4 times more likely to be hospitalized than those without. A new study by researchers with the British Columbia Centre of Excellence for Women’s Health finds that over half of women with implants require at least one additional implant-related surgery, and nearly a third have 3 or more surgeries. Perhaps that’s why 40% decide to have their implants permanently removed. (Requiring ANOTHER operation.)
• Scientists say … experiences are a better life investment than possessions. A report in “Psychology Today” suggests that’s because experiences get better with time as you continue to retell them. Thus they continue to be a part of who you are, whereas something you bought 10 years ago may not be. (So if you’re deciding between a new car or a trip to Europe …)
• Scientists say … long work days do NOT cause stress. A new University of Arkansas study finds that stress and stress-related illnesses are more likely a result of other workplace factors such as lack of independence, few learning opportunities, unsupportive supervisors and inflexible schedules. Total hours worked seems to have little to do with overall well-being. (That’s why I never complain about these grueling 4 hours I put in each morning.)

AND WE QUOTE:
“Paul McCartney is a father! You know what bothers me with all these old guys having babies?  I’m one of them.” – David Letterman

THE BULL SHEET 11.04.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1916 [87] Walter Cronkite, St Joseph MO, retired TV news anchor (“CBS Evening News” 1962-81) who was often voted ‘The Most Trusted Man in America’

1925-30 [78-73] Doris Roberts, St Louis MO, TV actress (3 Emmy Awards as ‘Marie Barone’ on “Everybody Loves Raymond” since 1996)  NOTE: There are several different years listed for her birthday – she obviously lies about her age!

1946 [57] Laura (Welch) Bush, Midland TX, US First Lady/Mrs George W Bush/mother of twin daughters Jenna & Barbara

1969 [34] Matthew McConaughey, Uvalde TX, movie actor (“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, “Contact”, “A Time to Kill”)  UP NEXT: Stars in the bigscreen adaptation of Clive Cussler’s adventure novel “Sahara”.

1969 [34] P Diddy (Sean Combs), Harlem NY, hip-hop artist (w/Nelly & Murphy Lee-“Shake Ya Tailfeather”, “I’ll Be Missing You”)/recording producer (Bad Boy Records)/clothing designer (Sean John)/sometime actor (“Monster’s Ball”) who raised $2 million for children’s charities by completing the NYC Marathon SUNDAY in a time of 4:14:54  FACTOID: He was nicknamed ‘Puffy’ as a child because he would ‘huff and puff’ when upset.

1975 [28] Heather Tom, Hinsdale IL, TV soap actress (2 Emmy Awards as ‘Victoria Newman’ on “The Young & The Restless” since 1991)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] Election Day

TODAY is “National Children’s Goal-Setting Day”, to encourage parents to foster goal-setting habits in their children’s lives. (Children need goals, ’cause they’re spending altogether too much time goofin’ around – acting like kids.)

TOMORROW some 400,000 young Canadians will participate in the 10th annual “Take Our Kids to Work Day” in 100,000+ workplaces. Grade 9 students are encouraged to learn what it’s like on-the-job with a parent or volunteer host. This is an especially fun day if your parent is a teacher. Are you bringing your kids into the studio?
PHONER: 800.790.9113 (The Learning Partnership, Toronto)
NET: http://www.takeourkidstowork.ca

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [06] Shania Twain releases smash album “Come On Over” (on this date in 1998, the album was certified 6-times Platinum)

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 Jean Chrétien sworn in as Canada’s 20th PM (national day of mourning?)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2001 [02] Arizona Diamondbacks beat NY Yankees in Game 7 to become ‘quickest expansion team to win the World Series’, after just 4 MLB seasons

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1980 [23] Ronald Reagan defeats Jimmy Carter by a landslide to become 1st divorcé, 1st actor & oldest US President

1991 [12] 1st gathering of 5 US Presidents as Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford & Nixon attend opening ceremonies of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library & Museum in Simi Valley CA

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1973 [30] Chicago Bears set NFL record by holding Green Bay Packers to -12 yards passing

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Remembrance Day
[Wed] 37th Country Music Association Awards
[Wed] Saskatchewan election
[Thurs] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Fri] Governor General’s Performing Arts Awards (Ottawa)
[Sat] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
This Week Is . . . Canadian Career Week / Canadian Poppy Week
This Month Is . . . Runaway Prevention Month / Vegan Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
SIGNS YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S A DICTATOR:

10. She makes your decisions.
9. She chooses your friends.
8. She mingles too much with your family.
7. She schedules your time.
6. She manages the house.
5. She always has to be right.
4. She makes your budget.
3. She plans your career.
2. She calls you all the time.
1. She holds the remote control.
Source: AskMen.com

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• What’s the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman? A Rolling Stone says “Hey you! Get offa my cloud!” and a Scotsman says “Hey McLeod! Get offa my ewe!”.
• I got my IQ test results today. They were negative.
• There’s a traffic tie-up at [local intersection]. Just look for the sign that says “Danger: Slow Men At Work”.
• I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

BS ‘MUSICAL CONVERSATIONS’:
Try having an entire conversation using song lyrics, song titles, and/or artists’ names. You’ll need to practise and maybe even make notes first. Particularly a fun bit with guests who are recording artists.

BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Ask a phone contestant (kids are great) or studio guest to finish these famous quotations about football –
• “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the … [size of the fight in the dog.”]
• “In life, as in football, you won’t go far unless … [you know where the goal posts are.”]
• “Let’s win one for the … [Gipper.”]
• “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the … [only thing.”]
• “Football features two of the worst aspects of American life … [violence and committee meetings.”]
• “Some people think football is a matter of life and death but I can assure them it is … [much
more serious than that.”]
• “The beauty of the game of football is that so often you are called upon to do something beyond your capabilities, and … [you do it.”]

BS ‘OUT OF SORTS’:
Put the following in order of when they were invented – the ‘cash register’, the ‘air-conditioned car’, the ‘artificial leg’. [All of them were patented on this date – the ‘artificial leg’ in 1846, the ‘cash register’ in 1880, and the ‘air-conditioned car’ in 1939 ... a Packard.]

BS PHONE STARTER:
“If you could afford to buy a racehorse, what would you call it?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: On average, THESE have become 1-and-a-half times longer than they used to be.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wedding engagements.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.


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