Wednesday, November 27, 2002        Edition: #2430
Sheet Happens, Dude!

In its annual poll, the independent film Website ‘Film Threat’ has selected Russell Crowe as the ‘Coldest Person In Hollywood’ for being “a wild boor whose bad-boy big mouth and Redwood-sized chip-on-the-shoulder easily cost him an Oscar for ‘A Beautiful Mind’” (Winona Ryder was runner-up, followed by Cuba Gooding Jr, Robert De Niro & Woody Allen) . . . As creditors are knocking on the door for unpaid services, Britney Spears’ struggling Cajun-themed NYC restaurant Nyla is switching to Italian cuisine . . . There are at least 36 mistakes in “Die Another Day” according to, including the scene in which ‘Bond’ wakes up with a blonde who was a brunette when they went to bed . . . And Bedford MA entrepreneur JR Kelnhofer is marketing a new line of goods emblazoned with the letters
‘WWTSD’, standing for ‘What Would Tony Soprano Do?’, a tongue-in-cheek poke at the sanctimonious ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ movement (NET:

• “Treasure Planet”, a Disney animated version of “Treasure Island” set in outer space and featuring the voices of David Hyde Pierce, Martin Short & Emma Thompson. Some 40 IMAX theaters will be showing a LARGE-screen version.
• “Solaris”, starring George Clooney & Natascha McElhone. A sci-fi thriller about strange events aboard a space station (and one sizzling sex scene). Director Steven Soderbergh describes it as “2001: A Space Odyssey” meets “The Last Tango in Paris”.
• “Eight Crazy Nights”, an animated musical comedy featuring Adam Sandler voicing all 3 lead characters. It’s the story of a party animal who has to spend the holidays performing community service as an assistant referee for a youth basketball league. (Hijinks ensue.)
• “Extreme Ops”, a no-name action thriller about extreme sports enthusiasts who end up being chased through the Austrian Alps by a Serbian war criminal and attempt to escape using skis, snowboards, parachutes, whitewater rafts, helicopters and motorcycles. (‘James Bond’ –  for dudes.)
• “Wes Craven Presents: They”, a limited-release horror thriller about a graduate student (Laura Regan) who gradually comes to the realization that everything that scared her as a child could be real. And what’s worse – it might be coming back to get her!

• ‘S’more-tini’ – A new cocktail for fans of that campfire staple s’mores – chocolate and marshmallow smushed between graham crackers. It’s made with chocolate cream liqueur and Kahlua, then garnished with marshmallows covered in crumbled graham crackers. Oh, and you’ll need a blow torch to brown the marshmallows. (What’s next – the ‘Toasted Wienertini’?)
• ‘Grilled Out’ – Having an entire row of teeth covered with gold caps or rims. A new fashion statement derived from hip-hop culture. (And guaranteed to really enhance your chances in that next job interview!)
• ‘Refrigerator Rights’ – A friendship so close that each feels free to help themselves to anything in the other’s house without having to consult about it – hunting for a snack in the fridge, for instance.
• ‘DRIB’ – An acronym for ‘Don’t Read If Busy’, it’s used in the subject line of e-mails by thoughtful and courteous senders who realize you don’t always have time to read 300 messages a day. (You can bet ‘DRIB’ mail rarely gets opened.)

Advocacy group ‘World Against Toys Causing Harm’ (WATCH) has just published its 29th annual list of toys that could be dangerous to kids. Some lowlights from 2002’s ‘10 Worst Toys’ –
• Bull’s Eye Mini Pellet Shot – Pellet guns with BB-like ammunition made of hard plastic. Safety rules are included such as “do not point at people or animals” and “always have adult supervision while shooting”. (Pretty much guaranteeing junior will be torturing the cat whenever mom and dad aren’t looking.)
• The Snoopy & Friends Sno-Cone Machine – Even though its recommended for kids as young as 4, it features an ‘ice shaver’ with sharp metal edges similar to graters commonly used in kitchens. (Wow, do they have an optional butcher knife?)
• Brio’s Curious George – Was actually recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission LAST YEAR due to a choking hazard. Now it’s back and offers the same hazards – mobile phone, a pair of small gloves and a bright red button, all easily swallowed.
• Bob The Builder Counting Hammer – Encourages 2-year-olds to grasp a weighted hammer and hit a surface with it in order to learn to count. (Keep that in mind when checking into the ER.)

A survey for “Ladies’ Home Journal” on obsessive-compulsive behavior asked women what they worry about on a daily basis. Top answers included leaving the iron, oven or coffee maker on and leaving the alarm clock off. (So what’s YOUR biggest daily worry? We know what you’re saying to yourself – Did I send a cheque to my show prep service?)

“Self” magazine says the most popular salad in Canada is also the worst for you. The average Caesar salad contains 500 calories and 40 grams of fat! (Toss the salad, have a nice lean steak!)

EDK Forecast finds the most popular bra among women of all ages is a simple white cotton model, preferred by 36%. (So ask men what their favorite is – for women that is.)

Medical experts quoted in “Glamour” mag say bad breath may be worst first thing in the morning, but also peaks in late afternoon. (After lunch at Mama Rosa’s Garlic Buffet.)

A study in “Woman’s Own” magazine reveals that we’re more likely to be turned on by movie sex scenes if the characters involved are strangers rather than married. (You know I find that’s also true in real life . . . er, I mean someone told me . . . oh, never mind.)

A study by Britain’s Manchester University rates the stress factor of various professions on a scale of 1 to10. The most stressful occupations – Miner (8.3) and Police Officer (7.5). The least stressful jobs are Astronomer (3.4) and Librarian (2.0). Other low-stress gigs – Sleeper (people who nap while researchers study sleep patterns), Lotion Tester (tests sunscreens by lying in the sun), and Toy Enjoyment Controller (hired by toy-makers to play with toys all day and figure out which are likely to become popular with children).

• 13% of us would rather go to the dentist than clean the house.
• 14% say there’s no point in cleaning since things just get dirty again anyway.
• 25% say cleaning just isn’t high on their priority list.
• 41% of us admit we don’t clean as well as we used to, and MUCH less than our mothers.
• 45% say there’s more to life than cleaning.
• 51% blame lack of time for lack of cleanliness.
• 54% of women say men are messier. And 48% of men agree!
Source: Opinion Research International

• One-fourth of the body’s 206 bones are located in the feet. (Almost as many as you find in a can of salmon.)
• If you walk twice as fast, you’ll burn more than twice as many calories. (But your dog will strangle!)

• The largest pumpkin pie ever baked was 350 pounds and 5 feet in diameter.
• Of all pies, apple pie contains the most fat and the most calories. (This message brought to you by the American Association of Pumpkin Growers.)


1940 [D-1973] Bruce Lee (Li Jun Fan), San Francisco CA, martial artist/chop-socky actor (“Fists of Fury”, “Enter the Dragon”)  FACTOID: According to ”Variety” magazine, a new Bruce Lee film is being made using computer generated images (thanks to the new technology, for the first time Bruce’s dialogue will actually match the movement of his lips)

1942 [D-1970] Jimi (James Marshall) Hendrix, Seattle WA, rock guitar legend (“Purple Haze”, “All Along the Watchtower”) who’s made far more money since he died than he did while living (can you picture him being 60-years-old?)

1955 [47] Bill Nye, Washington DC, wacky TV scientist (‘technical expert’ on ”BattleBots”, “Bill Nye the Science Guy”)

1964 [38] Robin Givens, NYC, movie actress (“A Rage in Harlem”) most famous for briefly wedding boxer Mike Tyson (1988)

TODAY the world’s top competitive eaters are in NYC for the International Federation of Competitive Eating’s “2002 Thanksgiving Invitational Contest”. Competitors will attempt to down 1-lb platefuls of turkey with all the trimmings – up to a total of 12 plate-loads! Leftovers, if there are any, will be served up at local soup kitchens.

• The original Thanksgiving festivities date back 2,000 years to Celtic priests, the Druids, who celebrated a harvest festival.
• “Thanksgiving” was declared a US national holiday in 1863, following an intense campaign by Sarah Josepha Hale, editor of a women’s magazine. President Abraham Lincoln officially set the date as the last Thursday of November. The date was moved up a week by President Franklin D Roosevelt in 1939, to stimulate the Depression economy. 2 years of public protest followed. Congress then passed a law establishing the 4th Thursday in November as the official holiday.
• The term ‘turkey’ was used by New England pilgrims to mean any sort of wild fowl. It could actually have been seagull. (Yum!)

TOMORROW’S 76th annual “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” in NYC features performances by hip-hop queen Ashanti, “American Idol’s” Justin Guarini, country stars Alan Jackson & Lee Ann Womack, plus WWE wrestling stars.

2 YEARS AGO . . .
2000 Jean Chrétien easily wins 3rd mandate as PM as Liberals win re-election

2000 Magician David Blaine begins 58-hour ‘endurance experience’ in 6-ton block of ice in NYC’s Times Square (culminates in ABC-TV special “David Blaine: Frozen in Time”)

1952 [50] 1st ‘3-D movie’ premieres (“Bwana Devil”, starring Robert Stack)

1952 [50] Swanson sells its 1st ‘TV dinner’, turkey with all the (frozen) trimmings

1960 [42] 1st NHL player to score 1,000 points (Gordie Howe, who a year later to the day becomes 1st to play in 1,000 NHL games)

1983 [19] 1st ‘indoor Grey Cup’ (Toronto 18, BC 17 at BC Place)

1994 [08] 1st US-based team to appear in a Grey Cup (Baltimore loses 26-23 to BC)

1826 [176] 1st ‘friction match’ developed by John Walker of England (leads to that favorite set-up line – “You got a match?”)

1955 [47] 1st edition of the “Guinness Book of World Records” (which promptly sets a record for sales of record books)

1966 [36] Highest-scoring NFL game (113 points – Washington Redskins 72, NY Giants 41)

[Thurs] American Thanksgiving Day (are you ready for some football?!?!?)
[Fri] Buy Nothing Day
[Fri] Square Dance Day
[Fri] Electronic Greetings Day
[Fri] Chanukah (begins at sundown)
[Fri] International Computer Security Day
This Week Is . . . National Cookie Week / Game & Puzzle Week
This Month Is . . . Christmas Seal Month / Pepper Month


• A Canadian is someone who thinks an income tax refund is a ‘gift’ from the government.
• On seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, a Canadian assumes it is a train.
• Your average Canadian doesn’t know anyone who owns a flag.
• A Canadian finds Kentucky Fried Chicken ‘a bit too spicy’.
• A Canadian will drive to an unemployment protest meeting in his Toyota.
• A Canadian is convinced that democracy involves keeping your opinions to yourself.
• In a restaurant, a Canadian apologizes for not being ready to order at the waiter’s convenience.
• A Canadian will travel across the border to buy cheap cigarettes and then return home for subsidized cancer therapy.       

Q: When are your feet largest?
a) First thing in the morning.
b) Last thing at night.
c) After falling off a 20-story building.
A: They’re largest after they’ve taken a pounding all day. So to avoid buying shoes that are too tight, shop late in the day.
Source: Podiatric Medical Association

Q: How many countries in the world do NOT use the metric system of measurement?
a) 3
b) 14
c) 87
A: Just 3 – Myanmar, Liberia and the USA.
Source: “Slate” magazine

• ‘Dumbwaiter’ . . . one who asks if the children would care to order dessert.
• ‘Feedback’ . . . what happens when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
• ‘Full Name’ . . . what you call your child when you’re mad at him/her.
• ‘Show-Off’ . . . any child who is more talented than yours.
• ‘Weaker Sex’ . . . the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

Today’s Question: Cowboys must love ‘em because there are more of these in Alberta than any other province in Canada.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Personal computers.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.


• After Thanksgiving dinner, sharpens knife and says, “Okay, now it’s time to carve Uncle Leo!”
• Loudly gives thanks for ‘wonderful music of Justin Timberlake’.
• Insists on wearing a homemade ‘Turkey Giblet Facial Mask’ to reduce unsightly wrinkles.
• Insists on leaving an extra glass of wine on the Thanksgiving table for Miles Standish.
• Can tolerate large family gatherings without complaint.

I am thankful for the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV
Because that means he is at home and not on the streets.
For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been
Surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that
Need fixing, because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we
Have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I
Am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with a car.
For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.
For my cohost who sings off key, because it means that I can hear.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.

Q: You sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and pops carves up the bird, giving your siblings the drumsticks, mom the wings, himself the breast and you the ‘snood’. What the heck are you getting?
A: The snood is that fleshy projection just above the bill on a turkey. Bon appetit!

Today’s Question: In a recent survey, 67% of people said they could take up to a week to do this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eat Thanksgiving leftovers.

At the dinner table, the only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

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