Wednesday, November 28, 2001        Edition: #2185
The human race has only one effective weapon, and that is laughter.

WORLD SEX SURVEY HIGHLIGHTS:
A just-released poll conducted in 28 countries for condom maker Durex International finds . . .
• The average person has sex 97 times a year. [Often with a partner.]
• 60% have sex at least once a week, 4% claim to do it daily. [All of them named ‘Gwyneth’.]
• 10% of respondents say they have NEVER had sex. [But have seen EVERY “Star Trek” movie.]
• Sex frequency by gender – men (102 times/yr), women (91). [What about ‘others’?]
• Most frequent sex by lifestyle – living together (145 times/yr), married (100), single (86). [‘Divorced’ frequency was slightly less than ‘the pope’.]
• Sex frequency by country – USA (124 times/yr), Greece (117). [Japan trails all others with an average of just 36.]
• Most partners by country – USA (average of 14 different partners), France (13). [Canadians asked “Do you only count humans?”]
• Earliest sex by country — USA (average age of 16), Germany (16.6). [International average is 18.]
• Favorite sites for sex – beach, hot tub. [Least favorite – (your co-host’s) apartment.]
OTHER BS SHOCKING SURPRISES IN THE SURVEY:

• When reaching sexual climax, 45% of women shout the word, “Brad!”.
• 75% of all edible underwear is purchased by the Portuguese.
• A woman somewhere in the world has an orgasm every 3.4 seconds — and that woman never gets any housework done!
• 65 million times a day someone says, “I’ll call you”.
• 98% prefer condoms to Isotoner gloves.
• ‘Pam’ no-stick spray is no longer just for cooking.
• That Daniel Radcliffe guy’s already banged half of Hollywood.
• Fat guys have a lot of trouble getting laid.
• Men finished the survey much quicker than women.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
By THIS WEEKEND, both “Harry Potter” and “Monsters Inc” will have crossed the $200 million mark, making 2001 a record year with 5 movies hitting that level (the others are “Shrek”, “Rush Hour 2″ & “The Mummy Returns”) . . . “Harry Potter” actor Tom Felton, who plays ‘Draco Malfoy’, claims the 2nd film will be even better, saying “There’ll be more comedy, more action and it’ll be scarier” (Warner Bros has told him to shut up because it’s not finished hyping the first film yet) . . . Director Chris Columbus has apologized for saying he would not allow ‘Harry Potter’ star Daniel Radcliffe to take any phone calls from Michael Jackson (apologized? He should be nominated for sainthood!) . . . 3 months after splitting with his wife, 59-year-old Harrison Ford is reportedly hot ‘n heavy with 20-years-younger actress-turned-lawyer Robin Evans (adding more ammo to estranged wife Melissa Mathison’s battle to grab a large chunk of his $300-million fortune) . . . Dinosaur KISS rocker Gene Simmons says he’s planning to launch a new men’s magazine called “Gene Simmons’ Tongue” which will feature a starlet with her tongue out on each cover (we’re hoping this is all tongue-in-cheek).

“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Health Secrets of the World’s Oldest Monkey!”
• “You Gotta Be an Idiot to Put Pineapple on Your Pizza!”
• “The Right Way to Act When You Meet Jesus – And Stay on His Good Side!”
• “Why Some Gals Attract Geeks Like A Magnet”
• “Lovely Little Lady I Married Keeps Burping in Her Sleep!”
• “Whistling Fish Serenade Fishermen!”
• “Gals — Here’s How to Tell If You’re Descended From Amazons!”

ANOTHER TRASH TOY LIST:
A Connecticut priest is out with his 15th annual list of the season’s most ‘warped’ toys. Father Christopher Rose calls the toys on his list ‘awful’ and says they’re the antithesis of the holiday season. Among the ‘warped’ gear on his no-no list for 2001 — a wrestling figure with his head between a woman’s thighs, a defecating reindeer, a sadomasochistic action figure compete with bullwhip, and the ‘Mummy King’ play set (“Press the bone in his elbow and his fist shoots off!”). Get the complete list at the Rev’s Website.
NET: http://www.gracehartford.org

I’M STICKING WITH MY 8 HOLES:
A 21-year-old college student in Omaha NE has broken the ”Guinness Book” record for most body piercings in a single day. Matt Brown eclipsed the previous mark of 102 by having a total of 171 PIERCINGS performed. His girlfriend, 19-year-old Amanda Jardine, says she’s “proud of him”. (But tired of cleaning up the floor when he leaks all over.)

SEND IN THE CLONES:
Québec-based UFO cult the ‘Raelists’ claims it, not Massachusetts company ACT, cloned the first human embryos — and they’ve been doing it for a long time. Cult member Brigitte Boisselier, a 44-year-old French biochemist, heads up ‘Clonaid’, a bio-engineering company that’s purportedly established a secret research lab in an undisclosed country. The company promises to soon produce the world’s first cloned baby.
PHONER: 702-497-9186 (Nadine Gary, Public Relations)
NET: http://www.clonaid.com

POOR SELF-IMAGE:
A new University of Michigan survey indicates fully half of teenage girls think they’re overweight. Only 14% of survey respondents say they’re happy with their body size and shape. (Remember girls, when you graduate from Barbie to Britney, you’re still looking at plastic parts.)

SHAVING ACCIDENTS:
If men nick themselves while shaving, they tend to blame the blade, according to razor-maker Gillette. But if women suffer a nick, they blame themselves. (Robin Williams blames the Weedwacker.)

CASES OF SNIFFLES:
About 50% of us will be infected with a common cold this winter. That’s one reason we’re expected to buy about 200 billion facial tissues this year — or about 750 tissues for every man, woman, and child! (It’d be a lot more if your kid would quit using her sleeve.)

THE BULL SHEET 11.28.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [72] Berry Gordy Jr, Detroit MI, Motown Records founder

1949 [52] Paul Shaffer, Thunder Bay ON, CBS Orchestra leader (“Late Show With David Letterman”)/Letterman’s sidekick since 1982

1950 [51] Ed Harris, Englewood NJ, movie actor (“The Truman Show”, “The Rock”)/movie director (“Pollock”)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Russell Crowe in the drama “A Beautiful Mind”, opening JANUARY

1952 [49] S Epatha Merkerson, Saginaw MI, TV actress you probably don’t know by name, but she’s played detective boss Lt Anita Van Buren on “Law & Order” since 1993

1962 [39] Jon Stewart (Leibowitz), NYC, TV host/comedian (“The Daily Show”)/film actor (“Big Daddy”)/2001 Grammy Awards host  NEXT FILM: The Robin Williams/Danny DeVito comedy “Death to Smoochy”, opening in MARCH  NOTE: When asked why he dropped the name ‘Leibowitz’, he explained: “Sounded too Hollywood”

1965 [36] Matt Williams, Bishop CA, MLB 3rd baseman (2001 World Series champ Arizona Diamondbacks)

1967 [34] Anna Nicole Smith (Vickie Lynn Hogan), Mexia TX, gold digger who wed Texas billionaire J Howard Marshall in 1994 and has been fighting for her cut of his fortune ever since he died a year later/former stripper who was 1993 “Playboy” Playmate of the Year

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS MONTH is “National Healthy Skin Month”. Ask female listeners the strangest concoctions they’ve heard of as beauty treatments. (The Internet ‘Womens Forum’ lists formulas involving oatmeal, honey, avocado, bananas, yogurt, cucumber, strawberries, cornmeal and apricots among others.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1895 [106] 1st North American auto race begins in Chicago (J Frank Duryea’s winning car averages 7.5 mph, using 3.5 gallons of gasoline and 19 gallons of water!)

1925 [76] 1st radio broadcast of ‘Grand Ole Opry’ (WSM-Nashville)

1948 [53] 1st ‘Polaroid camera’ marketed

1979 [22] 1st NHL goaltender to score a goal (Billy Smith-NY Islanders)

1999 [02] After 7 seasons, agents ‘Mulder’ and ‘Scully’ finally kiss on “Millennium” episode of “The X-Files”
 
TODAY’S RECORD . . .

2000 [01] Largest audience to date for an Internet concert as some 9 million watch online while Madonna performs at London’s Brixton Academy in front of about 2,800

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Electronic Greetings Day
[Thurs] Square Dance Day
[Fri] Computer Security Day
[Fri] Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day
[Sat] World AIDS Day
[Sun] Britney Spears turns 20
[Tues] 2001 Billboard Music Awards (Las Vegas)
[Dec 7] World premiere of “Ocean’s Eleven” (Las Vegas)
[Dec 10] Finance Minister Paul Martin announces Federal Budget
[Dec 10] World premiere of ”Lord of the Rings” movie (London)
AIDS Awareness Week
National Stamp Collecting Month
Rotary Foundation Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• People from Iceland like to Christmas shop in Newfoundland. (TRUTH. The appearance of Icelanders on the streets of St John’s is a sure sign the Christmas season has arrived.)
• Until 1937, referees in basketball had to throw a jump ball after every basket. (TRUTH, but games featured far less scoring.)
• The theme song for the TV show “Friends” was supposed to be The Beatles’ “All You Need is Love”, but producers decided the price was too high. (Total out and out BS.)
• The average refrigerator is opened 22 times per day. (TRUTH, according to an energy conservation study.)
• Coffee beans aren’t really beans. (TRUTH. They are actually the seeds, or pits, of a red berry.)
• Women are more prone to accidents than men. (BS. In any category of accident you can think of — falls, fires, car wrecks, chokings, poisonings, even drownings – more men die each year than women. In fact, 70% of all accident victims are male!)
• In 1920, the US Post Office ruled that children could not be sent by parcel post. (TRUTH. Kind of makes you wonder what was going on before that!)

BS TAG LINE: I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”


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