Friday, November 23, 2001 Edition: #2182
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
BS MALE BASHING:
• What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? [Shoot him again.]
• How can you tell when a man is well-hung? [When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.]
• Why do little boys whine? [Because they’re practising to be men.]
• How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? [Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.]
• What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? [You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.]
• Why do men name their penises? [Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.]
• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? [Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’.]
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS-TV airs the concert special “N Sync Live! The Atlantis Concert”, which was TAPED at the Atlantis Hotel on Paradise Island in the Bahamas (Tim McGraw guest stars live — on tape) . . . Madonna’s underwear can now be purchased on eBay and sent to your home. (advice to postal workers – hang onto those masks and rubber gloves!) . . . Andre Agassi & Steffi Graf’s 3-week-old son has so far received several baby-sized tennis rackets as gifts — 21 of them in fact . . . The world’s least-talented and most-pampered actress, Tori Spelling, now has a Website where you can get advice from her — for a buck (no matter the question, her advice is always the same — ‘Get daddy to pay for it!’) . . . Vanilla Ice is attempting to make a comeback as a rapper (in fact, starting next week he’ll be wrapping all kinds of things at Wal-Mart) . . . Monica Lewinsky tells “Cosmopolitan” that if it wasn’t for the Oval Office scandal, she’d be married with two kids (uh, not the way she’s doing it!) . . . Gwyneth Paltrow tells the latest issue of “YM” magazine she used to be an ‘ugly duckling’ with braces and a bad haircut, and so skinny & clumsy that boys didn’t like her (things have changed — she has a better haircut).
Excerpts from “The Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar 2002″, by Environment Canada’s ‘Senior Climatologist‘ David Phillips —
• Walking 1 km through 15 cm of snow takes as much effort as walking 2 km on bare ground. (The only Canadians who’ve actually ever done this had run out of snowmobile gas.)
• ‘Weather’ is the 18th-most-popular search term on the Internet, ranking ahead of ‘football’, ‘weight loss’ and — ‘sex’. (Yeah, right. “Brad, what are you doing in there on the computer?” “Um, just checking the weather, mom.”)
• The louder the crunch of snow, the colder the temperature. At -15C, snow underfoot squeaks. Below -18C it makes a hollow sound. (This is the reason many Edmontonians have gone deaf.)
“Playboy” has reportedly alerted customers that a hacker has broken into its Website and obtained some customer information, including credit card numbers. (Most customers responded: “Hey, let ‘em take the money, just don’t let ‘em tell my wife!”)
NEW BARLEY SANDWICH:
Worried about the long-term impact of silicone implants? No lie – there’s a company that’s planning to make breast implants out of barley and hops. (And you think guys are attracted to fake boobs now!)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A Japanese woman has been sentenced to 4 years in prison for beating her husband to death with a — frying pan. (The sentence was reduced from life because she used no-stick Teflon.)
• A Catholic priest in Switzerland has released a CD of advice on — sex. (Kind of like Anne Robinson putting out a CD on how to win over people with your warmth and charm.)
• Leeds, England dog owner Richard Hainsworth is planning take his dog on a tour of UK pubs to show off the pooch’s skills playing — billiards. ‘Mucky’, an Alsatian/Labrador cross, can reportedly clear an entire pool table in 22 seconds using his paws and nose. (He then ‘autographs’ a table leg.)
• The Czech Republic will host its first ”Dog Dancing Championships” THIS WEEKEND. The pooches are required to dance for 3 minutes, either by themselves or with their owner, and are judged on their leaps and pirouettes. (The secret to teaching a dog to dance is said to be keeping it away from trees for 12 hours before the contest.)
• The world’s first ‘contraceptive patch’ went on sale THIS WEEK. (After sex, you can put a matching nicotine patch right next to it.)
THE BULL SHEET 11.23.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954  Bruce Hornsby, Williamsburg VA, classic rock singer (& the Range-“The Way It Is”)
1966  Ken Block, Gainesville FL, rock singer/guitarist (Sister Hazel-“All For You”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1978  Katherine Heigl, New Canaan CT, TV actress (Isabel Evans-“Roswell”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] Your Welcome Giving Day (tongue-in-cheek excuse for longer holiday weekend)
[Zodiac] Sign of ‘Sagittarius the Archer’ begins
TODAY is “Black Friday”, the traditional beginning of the Christmas shopping season. It’s also “Buy Nothing Day”, a 24-hour moratorium on consumer spending called by The Media Foundation.
TODAY is officially the day when procrastinators can cross off ‘Take down the Christmas lights’ from their to-do lists and add on ‘Plug in the Christmas lights’.
TODAY is the 10th annual “Sinkie Day”, declared by the ‘International Association of People Who Dine Over the Kitchen Sink’. Veterans (known as ‘Sinkies’) and rookies alike are encouraged to participate in this time-honored method of casual dining.
TODAY Aitken MN hosts the 11th annual “Fish House Parade”, a chance to show off their fancy decorated fish huts used for ice fishing during the winter. (Almost as smelly as the Yukon’s ‘Outhouse Parade’.)
TODAY in Japan is the national holiday “Labor Thanksgiving Day”. (And we’re guessing next Tuesday is “Halloween Easter”.)
SUNDAY is “Shopping Reminder Day”, marking 1 month until Christmas. Just what you wanted to hear!
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1991  Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury dies of AIDS at 46 NOTE: The new book ”Blood & Glitter” reveals that he had 4 extra front teeth which he didn’t have removed because he thought it would ruin his vocal range.
WRONG NOV 24TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1170 BC  1st recorded ‘strike’ as workers on Egyptian pyramids stage work stoppage (just before being stoned to death)
1889  1st ‘jukebox’ is placed in service at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco (at the time, ‘juke’ is a slang word for a house of ill repute)
1897  1st ‘pencil sharpener’ (next day, some kid gums it up with a crayon)
1936  1st edition of the “Globe & Mail” newspaper (“The Globe” part dates from 1844)
1948  1st ‘zoom lens’ (and the paparazzi profession is born)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1986  Vincent Paxton sets a new world record by playing his guitar for 300 continuous hours
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] 89th Grey Cup (Calgary vs Winnipeg kicks off 6 pm ET at Montréal’s Olympic Stadium)
National Farm/City Week
Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
GREY CUP QUICK PICKS:
• Which team was formed in 1869 in a room over George Lee’s Fruit Store and adopted the
colors black and orange?
c) Moose Jaw
[The Hamilton Foot Ball Club]
• Which is the only American CFL team to win the Grey Cup?
a) Baltimore Stallions
b) Baltimore Colts
c) Baltimore Ravens
[Stallions, in 1995]
• Which was the first ‘western team’ to win the Grey Cup?
[Winnipeg, vs Hamilton Tigers in 1935. This year Winnipeg could win it as an ‘eastern team’.]
• The 1957 Grey Cup game was the first to —
a) Be called on account of snow.
b) Be telecast live from coast-to-coast.
c) End in a tie.
[It was the first to receive national TV coverage.]
• What former Toronto Maple Leafs owner also owned the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger-Cats?
a) Harold Ballard
b) Conn Smythe
c) Punch Imlach
[Harold Ballard, who sold the Ti-Cats in 1989.]
• Which team played its first game at Empire Games Stadium in 1954?
[BC played its first game and lost 22-0 to the Montréal Alouettes.]
(Sources: “The 55 Yard Line”, CFL.ca, Slam! Sports)
WHAT BANDS CHARGE:
3 Doors Down — $60k+
Barebacked Ladies – $100k+
Blink 182 — $100k
Bob Dylan — $75k
Cranberries — $35k – 50k
Creed — $200k+
Eminem – $100k
Goo Goo Dolls — $65k – $70k
Hootie & The Blowfish — $50k – $60k
Lifehouse – $25k – $30k
Macy Gray — $40k
Sheryl Crow — $50k +
Staind – $25k
Sugar Ray — $50k – $60k
Third Eye Blind — $40k – $50k
Tom Petty — $100k – $150k
Train — $25k
Vanilla Ice — $6k – $10k
Village People — $30k + travel expenses
Vonda Shepherd (from Ally McBeal) – $20k – $25k
BS TAG LINE: Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.