Tuesday, November 20, 2001        Edition: #2179
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

After 10 years without TV, here is this week’s . . .
TOP TV SHOWS IN AFGHANISTAN:

• “Mad About Everything”
• “Monday Night Stoning”
• “Win Bin Laden’s Money”
• “Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
• “Beat The Press”
• ”Whose Jihad Is It Anyway?”
• “Married, With 142 Children”
• “Just Shoot Everything”
• “Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?”
• “Judge Omar”
• “Allah McBeal”
• “Everybody Loves Ramadan”
• “No-Witness News”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
YESTERDAY ‘Harry Potter’ became the 1st movie to top $100-million in box office in less than 5 days . . . Mick Jagger tells German magazine “Prisma” he can’t listen to rock music in the morning anymore, he barely touches alcohol and no longer smokes cannabis at all (but he still considers himself a hep cat) . . . Meantime, word is Jagger’s live performance at an LA club to promote his new solo album was stocked with dozens of pretty young models who were paid to stand near the stage and scream (likely just so Mick wouldn’t nod off) . . . Rumor has it that another aging rocker, Prince (the artist formerly known as popular), is quietly negotiating to help save the cash-strapped Minnesota Twins baseball team (well he once got to first base with Kim Bassinger) . . . 35-year-old billionaire Steve Bing is reportedly skeptical he’s the one who knocked up actress Liz Hurley and is demanding a paternity test because he’s worried about shelling out hundreds of millions in child support (we sense this guy’s gonna win ‘Sleazeball of the Year’ by acclamation) . . . Reports say sparks are flying between Eminem and actress Brittany Murphy, who plays his girlfriend in his now-shooting bio-flick (you divorce Kim, then fall for the actress playing Kim?).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
After raking in $265 million at the box office, “Dr Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, starring Jim Carrey, in several VHS and DVD packages offering features ranging from plush toys to deleted footage (expected to be one of the top-selling DVDs ever) . . . Tim Burton’s remake of “Planet Of The Apes”, starring Mark Wahlberg & Helena Bonham Carter, on VHS and a special edition DVD packed with 13 hours extras . . . And collectible DVDs of vintage films include Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rebecca”, and Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 Vietnam war epic “Apocalypse Now” (in a re-cut version called “Apocalypse Now Redux” which includes 49 minutes of extra footage).

HE AM CANADIAN:
YESTERDAY Nelson Mandela became the 1st living person to be conferred with honorary Canadian citizenship. (If you exclude half the world’s terrorists who carry Canadian passports.)
This is the most exciting event since Jackie Chan became an honorary citizen of Toronto on the weekend. (And the Canadiens being named an honorary professional hockey team.)

TURKEY DAY TRAVEL:
Americans are tending to either stay home this Thanksgiving or drive to their celebrations, according to the AAA. The auto club predicts total holiday travel will drop 6% from LAST YEAR thanks to the 9/11 attacks. A poll finds 34.6 million will travel at least 50 miles from home, 87% by car. The good news is – gas prices are at least 30 cents per gallon lower than LAST YEAR.

THE COST OF PIGGING OUT:
Thanksgiving is now the 2nd-most expensive grocery shopping holiday, just behind Christmas/Hanukkah, according to a new Supermarket Spending & Savings survey. Consumers estimate they’ll spend an average of $118 at the supermarket for Thanksgiving.

HOME BLOOPERS:
According to the National Safety Council, the leading causes of fatal accidents in the home are, in order, ‘falls’ (increasing due to the aging population), ‘poisonings’, ‘fires’, and ‘suffocation’ from swallowing foreign objects. But non-fatal accidents are more interesting – 25% of blinding injuries are ironically caused by people poking themselves with eyeglasses, and 15% of ALL home accidents involve impact with a door.

WHAT THE CAR YOU DRIVE SAYS ABOUT YOU:
• Acura Legend (“I’m too bland for German cars.”)
• Acura NSX (“I am impotent.”)
• Audi 90 (“I enjoy putting out engine fires.”)
• Buick Park Avenue (“I am older than 34 of the 50 US states.”)
• Cadillac Seville (“I am a pimp.”)
• Chevrolet Camaro (“I enjoy beating up people.”)
• Chevrolet Corvette (“I’m in a mid-life crisis.”)
• Datsun 280Z (“I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.”)
• Geo Storm (“I just started the 11th grade this fall.”)
• Honda Civic (“I have just graduated and have no credit.”)
• Jaguar XJ6 (“I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.”)
• Mercedes 560SEL (“I have a daughter named ‘Bitsy’ and a son named ‘Cole’.”)
• Mazda Miata (“I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.”)
• MGB (“I am dating a mechanic.”)
• Porsche 944 (“I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.”)
• Volkswagen Beetle (“I still watch ‘Partridge Family’ reruns.”)
• Volvo 740 Wagon (“I am frightened of my wife.”)

WORKING WASPS:
Wasps are being trained by Dutch scientists to detect drugs and explosives. Biologists from the Institute of Ecology in Maarssen say they’ve found a way of using the insects to detect drugs and bombs more cheaply and effectively than sniffer dogs. The wasps have been conditioned in lab tests to give a response after detecting substances with their antennae. (How do they communicate with you — one sting for ‘yes’, two for ‘no’?)

SURVIVING A CENTURY:
If you’d like to live past the age of 100, here are some tips culled from 25 men and women between the ages of 101 and 120 . . .
• Never go to bed angry at anyone, especially yourself or your mate.
• Try to do something nice for someone everyday.
• Don’t worry about money.
• Take time to relax.
• Never second-guess yourself. When you make a decision, act on it, and forget it.
• Don’t let people get under your skin.
• Never get on an airplane.
• Don’t drive at night.

THE BULL SHEET 11.20.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [54] Joe Walsh, Cleveland OH, classic rock guitarist (“Life’s Been Good”, Eagles-“Hotel California”)

1956 [45] Bo Derek (Mary Cathleen Collins), Long Beach CA, worst movie actress of the ‘80s  (“10″, “Bolero”)

1959 [42] Sean Young, Louisville KY, movie actress (“Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”, “No Way Out”)

1965 [36] Mike D (Diamond), NYC, rock/rap artist (Beastie Boys-“Hello Nasty”, “You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Party”)

1967 [34] Ming-Na (Wen), Macau CHI, TV actress (Dr Jing-Mei ‘Deb’ Chen-“ER”)/movie actress (“Mulan”, “Joy Luck Club”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Mexico] “Revolution Day” (1910)

TODAY is “Name Your PC Day”. Ask listeners what pet names they’ve bestowed on theirs. (Mine’s called ‘!*#*?&!**!’)

THIS WEEK is “Cold & Cough Awareness Week”. The average adult gets 2 colds a year, while the average child has 10. (Meaning the average parent suffers the sniffles about 12 times.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1947 [54] Britain’s Princess Elizabeth marries Duke Philip Mountbatten, later to become Queen Elizabeth II & Prince Philip (according to “Wedding Tips”, next year will be their ‘Emerald Anniversary’, but there is NO traditional 54th wedding anniversary gift. Suggestions?)

1998 [03] Afghanistan’s Taliban offers Osama bin Laden safe haven (they’re currently rethinking the idea)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1866 [135] Pierre Lalemont of Paris FRA patents ‘rotary crank bicycle’ (the original bicycle was nicknamed the ‘bone shaker’)

1923 [78] 1st ‘traffic signal’ (Garrett Morgan designates red for ‘stop’, green for ‘go’, and yellow for ‘go like hell!’)

1980 [21] 1st successful ‘solar-powered flight’ (Steve Ptacek-’Solar Challenger’)

1982 [19] Drew Barrymore 1st hosts “Saturday Night Live” — at age 7

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994 [07] New England Patriots QB Drew Bledsoe sets NFL record for pass attempts (70) and completions (45) vs Minnesota Vikings

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] World Hello Day
[Thurs] US Thanksgiving Day
[Fri] National Buy Nothing Day
[Fri] Sinkie Day
[Sun] 89th Grey Cup (Montréal)
National American Indian Month
National Hospice Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONER:

The Parkside Pub in Huntley IL serves up an odd pre-holiday dinner that’s become a 20-year American Thanksgiving tradition with patrons – turkey testicles. Over 800 lbs (about 30,000) of the high-fat gobbler nuggets will be deep fried in a secret batter created by owner Mark McDonald and sold by the dozen TOMORROW. Afionados say they taste something like a mushroom (well finally, something that doesn’t taste like chicken!).
PHONER: 847-669-8496

BS 3-WORD TEST:
You ask 4 questions, and have your guest or listener answer each with 3 words. Write down the answers for review afterward.
1. What is your favorite color? Give 3 words that describe what you like about this color.
2. What is your favorite animal? Give 3 words that describe what you like about this animal.
3. Picture the color white. Give the first 3 words that come to mind.
4. Imagine a waterfall. Give the first 3 words that come to mind.
What the answers mean . . .
1. The words you use to describe your favorite color reflect the way you see yourself.
2. The words you use to describe your favorite animal reflect how others see you.
3. The words you use to describe the color white reflect your feelings about death.
4. The words you use to describe the waterfall reflect your feelings about sex.

BS TAG LINE: Never confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.


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