Tuesday, November 13, 2001        Edition: #2174
In a World Full of Woe The BS Must Go On

THIS WEEK is “Shallow Persons Awareness Week”, so here’s some . . .
BS INDICATIONS YOU’RE A ‘SHALLOW HAL’:
• You believe beauty is only hair deep.
• Your handshake’s been described as ‘al dente’.
• You are the first person to ever wear out a mirror.
• You read “Cosmo” for any reason other than to make fun of it.
• You refuse to take money out of your plastic surgery account to buy food.
• You call out your own name during sex.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Paul McCartney is releasing a 2nd single to benefit 9/11 charities, this one called “Freedom” . . .TONIGHT CBS-TV airs “Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Special”, edited from the two ‘comeback concerts’ he staged in NYC (we thought  “Freaks & Geeks” was canceled) . . . TONIGHT ‘Dr Frasier Crane’ celebrates his 2,000th radio show as the sitcom “Frasier” celebrates its 200th episode with guest star Bill Gates (you know the economy is sinking when Bill Gates has to look for a 2nd job) . . . TODAY Garth Brooks releases his 1st recording of new country songs in 4 years, “Scarecrow”, featuring duets with George Jones & Trisha Yearwood . . . The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance is calling for a boycott of the movie “Shallow Hal” . . . Ozzy Osbourne has been forced to cancel 10 dates on his current “Merry Mayhem Tour” after breaking a leg stepping out of the shower (his fans are reportedly upset, many of them asking, “What’s a shower?”) . . . Word is Sylvester Stallone is working on a script for a 4th “Rambo” film in which the aging action hero would parachute into Afghanistan to battle the Taliban and just might capture Osama bin Laden alive . . . Jack Nicholson is reportedly upset that 11 of his missing teeth are set to be auctioned off and says he wants them back (afterwhich he’ll start looking for his missing hair) . . . An upcoming online auction of celebrity clothing will feature stage duds worn by Britney Spears and Destiny’s Child singer Beyonce Knowles (both outfits come with tweezers).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Angelina Jolie pumped up (and padded up) to play the femme fatale of video games in the action-adventure “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” in which she races against time and villains to recover powerful ancient artifacts . . . The romantic comedy “America’s Sweethearts”, starring Julia Roberts, Billy Crystal, Catherine Zeta-Jones & John Cusack, is a movie about the pitfalls of trying to make a movie . . . New collectible DVD special editions include “The X Files: The Complete 4th Season”, and a “30th Anniversary Widescreen Version of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”, the kid classic starring Gene Wilder.

MAN TRAP:
Some hints to help get your man to pop the question, according to a recent UCLA study . . .
• Be nice to his friends.
• Once you’re sure of his commitment, spend time away from him. The study shows that over 60% of men surveyed asked their wives to marry them immediately after spending a week or more away from each other.
• Listen to him as enthusiastically as you listen to your female friends.
• Don’t drink too much.
• Wear the color green often, it seems to incline men toward matrimony. Women who wore green clothing twice a week or more were proposed to 3 times more often than those who didn’t. (It’s the color that says ‘she goes’?)

EXTREME STEAM:
Britain has fought off tough competition from Germany to win the “World Extreme Ironing Championships” in the French Alps. The spoof sport combines the dangers of ‘adrenaline competition’ with the ‘satisfaction of pressed linen’. Britain’s intrepid team of 4 scaled 5,500 feet to the summit of the Aiguillette d’Argentiere in Chamonix FRA, where ‘Iron Man’ Stumpy proudly unfolded his ironing board and began ironing the team’s towels. (What next? ‘Ironing Downhill’?)
NET: http://www.extremeironing.com
 
WORSE THAN SPAM:

A Brazilian Website promises to send poop to any person you pick. Anonymous senders pay the equivalent of $2.50 and give details of the unfortunate recipient. In Portuguese, the site urges, “Don’t let your favourite politician, your teacher or that girl who despised you wait. Send them true ‘merda’ [crap] — the ideal gift for your worst enemy!”. The site also offers ‘e-MERDA’ — a poopy picture sent via e-mail. (You know, we have enough crap in the mail these days.)
NET: http://Cocadaboa.com.br

SWISS ARMY PHONE:
A Swedish high-tech newsletter has polled mobile phone users asking what other functions they’d like their handsets to perform. Some of the results – a fire alarm for execs staying in hotels, a built-in flashlight, a small stick to insert in food to measure calories, and a flip-open makeup mirror. (Apparently just talking while driving isn’t enough distraction.)

HAIR-TRIGGER SECURITY:
Italian police detained a German truck driver for more than 10 hours because his documentation contained the word ‘Laden’, as in Osama Bin Laden. Authorities finally let the man proceed into Switzerland after it was determined the word in question is German for – ‘load’.

IN TOUCH:
You can learn a lot about people by paying attention to how they touch you. Here’s how Pace University anthropologist Dr Val Winsey characterizes various touchers . . .
• ‘The Gentle Tapper’ – A tentative friend who’s trying to reach out but doesn’t want to intrude. This person is often kind, but may be timid.
• ‘The Hand Holder’ – Someone who’s telling you that he or she can be trusted, that you can share your secrets.
• ‘The Hugger’ — A sensuous, affectionate and outgoing cuddler. Huggers enjoy being hugged and love life in general.
• ‘The Back Slapper’ – A person attempting to exhibit friendliness, but often is too shy.
• ‘The Heavy Rubber’ – Someone who rubs your shoulders or back freely and warmly is generous, warm, outgoing, forthright and honest. (Or perhaps just a perv?)

THE BULL SHEET 11.13.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [47] Chris Noth, Madison WI, TV actor (Mr Big-“Sex and the City”, “Law & Order” [1990-95])

1955 [46] Whoopi Goldberg (Caryn Johnson), NYC, TV exec producer/panelist (“Hollywood Squares”, since 1998)/movie actress (“Sister Act”, Academy Award-“Ghost”)

1963 [38] Vinny Testaverde, Floral Park NY, NFL QB (NY Jets)

1968 [33] Steve Zahn, Marshall MN, movie actor (“Riding in Cars with Boys”, “Dr Dolittle 2″, “You’ve Got Mail”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International World Kindness Day”. (Sponsored by the ‘Global Society of Eternally Hopeless Optimists’.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
2000 [01] Beatles release “1″, a 27-song compilation CD of #1 hits

1993 [08] Actress Michelle Pfeiffer weds producer David E Kelley (“Ally McBeal”, “The Practice”, “Boston Public”)

1997 [04] Colorado Rockies’ Larry Walker (Maple Ridge BC) wins National League MVP

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1875 [126] 1st football teams to wear uniforms (Harvard vs Yale)

1946 [55] 1st ‘artificial snow’ for skiing (Vincent Schaeffer-Mt Greylock MA)

1952 [49] 1st ‘press-on nails’ (and 1st man admitted to ER with gaping back wounds)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Thurs] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Thurs] America Recycles Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Fri] ‘Harry Potter’ movie opens
[Nov 22] Thanksgiving Day
[Nov 25] 89th Grey Cup (Montréal)
Hug A Veteran Week
National E-Commerce Week
Alzheimer’s Disease Month
Family Caregivers Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS RADIO CROSSWORD:

We’re working on a crossword puzzle, and we’re stuck on some of the clues. Maybe you can help?
• A 3 letter word for MORNING MOISTURE. [‘Dew’. But we also would have accepted ‘drool’.]
• A 5 letter word for SKIN OPENINGS. [‘Pores’. But we also would have accepted ‘job opportunities at Hooters’.]
• A 6 letter word for LEND AN EAR. [‘Listen’. But we also would have accepted ‘what you wouldn’t expect Van Gogh to do.’]
• An 8 letter word for BONEY FRAMEWORK. [‘Skeleton’. But we also would have accepted ‘supermodel’.]
• A 4 letter word for SNAKE’S COMMENT. [‘Hiss’. But we also would have accepted ‘If we don’t win the case, you don’t pay a fee’.]
• A 5 letter word for GIVE TEN PERCENT. [‘Tithe’. But we also would have accepted ‘advice from a really bad football coach’.]

PAIRS OF WORDS YOU DON’T WANNA HEAR IN THE SAME SENTENCE:
• Porcupine & Naked
• Liver & Dinner
• Shakespeare & Stallone
• Daughter & Bikers
• Just & Friends
(Ask listeners to contribute more!)

COMEDY SPLITTERS:
Add some mirth in the morning by dropping 10-15 second clips from comedy albums in between spots or out of sets, followed by a station ID. No need to set ‘em up, just slip them in to catch listeners off-guard. Look for topical material and be sure to use fresh clips each day.

BS BUCK-A-SECOND:
Let listeners find out how tough talking in the morning can be by playing “Dollar-a-Second”.  Give a phone contestant a topic, then clock ‘em to see how long they can speak fluently on the subject (no ‘ums’ or pauses allowed). Pay a buck a second for as long as they last. Avoid bankruptcy by establishing a maximum time. (Most won’t make it to 10 secs.)

BS TAG LINE: If you think you have no faults — that makes one.


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