Friday, November 9, 2001        Edition: #2172
It’s Another Running of the Bull!

A British soccer team has had its stadium exorcised by a bishop in an attempt to lift an old gypsy curse on the grounds. Oxford United had won only 2 of 10 games since moving into its new stadium.
BS SIGNS YOUR TEAM’S STADIUM IS POSSESSED BY EVIL SPIRITS:

• How else can you explain the smell in the washrooms?
• How else can you explain the smell from the food concession?
• Your favorite team is [your loser here -- the Toronto Argos, Montréal Expos, etc].
• It’s located in [your loser team’s stadium here -- Pontiac MI, Orchard Park NY, etc.]
• No matter what the score, the scoreboard always reads ‘666′.
• Who else but Satan would set ticket prices so high?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
LAST NIGHT Frankfurt, Germany hosted the “MTV Europe Music Awards” and for the occasion the city has temporarily named streets after pop stars — there’s Janet Jackson Ave, Madonna Ave, and streets named after Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake (they’re very close but don’t actually merge) . . . SUNDAY top Hollywood executives will huddle with White House officials to determine how the entertainment industry can aid the war against terrorism (how about picking up everyone’s morale by cutting movie ticket prices in half?) . . . SUNDAY ‘N Sync performs a free concert (except for 2,000 ‘VIP tickets’ that were sold) on Miami’s South Beach to benefit 9/11 families . . . Also SUNDAY there’s another ”Veteran’s Day” 9/11 benefit at Nashville’s old Ryman Auditorium that’ll feature Mary Stuart, Vince Gill & Steve Wariner . . . Paul McCartney tells a Brit paper that he cried every day for the first 6 months he went out with Heather Mills (god, she must be good!) . . . Stupormodel Naomi Campbell says she’s taken up boxing to control her temper (she got the idea after seeing how it worked for Mike Tyson) . . . George Harrison has been hospitalized again, this time in NYC to undergo more cancer treatment (let’s see, that’s cancer, brain tumor, stabbing — this cat’s used up about 7 of his lives now!) . . . After numerous complaints about bad taste, Chicago’s KISS-FM has yanked a contest offering a $5,000 prize to get ‘Boobies like Britney’ in which contestants were asked to submit a photo and 50-word explanation why they deserved implants . . . And a NYC plastic surgeon says Jennifer Lopez’s bottom is influencing women to have buttock implants (taking advantage of the trend, J-Lo will be releasing a new exercise video called ‘Buns of Silicone’).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Gene Hackman & Danny DeVito star in the crime drama “Heist”, about a jewel thief who sends his nephew along on a job to keep things honest . . . The Farrelly Bros comedy “Shallow Hal” is about a formerly shallow guy who’s hypnotized by self-help guru Tony Robbins to see only people’s ‘inner beauty’, so he falls for a hideous 300-lb woman played by Gwyneth Paltrow in a prosthetic ‘fat suit’  QUOTE: “It was a very intense experience. It was very emotional. Nobody would make eye contact with me. People were just very, very different. I got really freaked out at one point it was so awful!” (ohmygawd, how traumatic — they should have called this ‘Shallow Gwyneth’.)

BULL ROAR:
You know what bothers me?
• TV GRAPHICS — You spend a couple grand on a large-screen TV, then all through sports games the networks junk up the screen with graphics, promos and ad logos. Sometimes they even shrink the game down so they can put crap in the margins – reducing your 36-inch picture back to 24! Producers are now so enamored with computer technology, they’re junking up games with bell-and-whistle graphics simply because – well, because they can.
• COLOR COMMENTATORS — While we’re talking sports, why is it so many color commentators feel the need to blather on about when THEY played the game and other extraneous info that has nothing whatsoever to do with the game in progress. Hey lip-flappers, the game is the star, not you!
• PRICE OF PRINTER INK: For no apparent reason, the makers of computer printers have ALL jacked the price of replacement ink cartridges to ridiculous amounts. This at the same time as the price of printers has plummeted. One retailer tells me that, for the price of replacing your black ink and color cartridges, it’s now just as cheap to buy a new printer!
• OVERPACKAGING – We’ve ranted before about the frustration of trying to open a package of painkillers. Box, plastic seal, safety cap, cotton – it’s enough to give you a headache! And how about garbage bags? The first thing you put in a Glad bag – the bag it came in!

TOP WEB SEARCH TERMS IN THE PAST WEEK:
1. Osama bin Laden
2. Halloween
3. Dragonball
4. Pumpkins
5. Anthrax
(Source: “Lycos 50”)

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
In their book “The Last Word on First Names”, authors Linda Rosenkrantz & Pamela Redmond Satran advise that, if you don’t want your kid to hate you someday, you should forego trendy names (‘Britney’, ‘Justin’, ‘Brianna’, ‘Kaitlyn’) in favor of simple and unpretentious names (‘Katherine’, ‘Laura’, ‘John’, ‘Daniel’). Worst trend of the past decade? According to the authors, it was naming kids after geographic placenames like ‘Dakota’, ‘Madison’, ‘Cody’, ‘Savannah’ and ‘Chelsea’. (Well I know my niece ‘Moose Jaw’ is really pissed off.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Best-selling French author Michel Houellebecq says Islamic extremism can be better beaten by corrupting its followers rather than bombing. To that end he thinks that instead of bombs and missiles, the US should be dropping mini-skirts and earrings on Afghanistan. (Or how about Britney Spears’ new video – make the Taliban go blind!)
• A soccer team in Brazil has hired a coach who is almost completely blind. The coach says he can barely make out the shape of players on the field and can just tell the difference between his team and the opponents. (It’s rare for a nearly-blind person to go into coaching. Usually they become referees.)
• A grieving Australian widow has had her husband’s ashes injected into her breast implants. 26-year-old Sandi Canesco of Sydney took the bizarre step after her husband Dustin was killed in a car accident. (“Ashes to ashes, dust to bust . . .”)

THE BULL SHEET 11.09.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1969 [32] Pepa (Sandra Denton), Queens NY, hip-hop artist (Salt-N-Pepa-“ “Push It”, “Shoop”)

1970 [31] Chris Jericho, Winnipeg MB, WWF wrestler  QUOTE: “Shut the hell up!”

1973 [28] Nick Lachey, Cincinnati OH, pop singer (98 Degrees-“Give Me Just One Night [Una Noche]”, “I Do Cherish You”)

1978 [23] Sisqo (Mark Andrews), Baltimore MD, hip-hop artist (“Thong Song”, Dru Hill w/Will Smith-“Wild Wild West”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [77] Russell Johnson, Ashley PA, ex-TV actor (The Professor-”Gilligan’s Island”)  NOTE: He’s now the PA announcer for the Seattle Supersonics of the NBA

1944 [57] Sir Tim Rice, Amersham ENG, lyricist who’s worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber (”Jesus Christ Superstar”, “Evita”) and Elton John (“The Lion King”, “Aida”)

1977 [24] Brittany Murphy, Atlanta GA, movie actress (“Riding in Cars with Boys”, “Don’t Say a Word”)

SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1962 [39] Demi Moore (Demetria Guynes), Roswell NM, movie actress (“GI Jane”, “Ghost”)/ex-Mrs Bruce Willis

1964 [37] Calista Flockhart, Freeport IL, emaciated TV actress (Ally-“Ally McBeal”)

1974 [27] Leonardo DiCaprio, Hollywood CA, film actor (“Titanic” and, most recently, “Titanic”)/party boy  NEXT FILM: Martin Scorsese’s “Gangs of New York”, delayed until NEXT YEAR

BS OBSERVANCES . . .
TODAY is “Chaos Never Dies Day”, the reason there’s a CNN.

SUNDAY is “Remembrance Day”, commemorating the end of WWI at 11am on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. It’s observed in Canada, Britain, the USA (renamed “Veterans Day” in 1954), Belgium & France (“Armistice Day”). The Remembrance Day poppy program run by the Canadian Legion raises over $5 million dollars each year for veterans’ programs. In 1999, a return to the original tradition of TWO minutes silence at 11am was encouraged.

SUNDAY is the 82nd annual observance of “Veterans’ Day”. Originally called Armistice Day, then renamed in 1954, it commemorates the end of WWI at 11 am on the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918. The day now honors all military veterans. President Harding dedicated the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier” at Arlington National Cemetery 80 years ago (1921).

SUNDAY is the Christian observance “Martinmas”, when they’ll stage the annual “Martinmas Goose Celebration” in front of the town hall of Sursee, Switzerland. Blindfolded participants try to cut down a suspended goose with a single sword stroke.

ON THIS DAY . . .
1993 [08] Crayola announces new crayon colors ‘Granny Smith Apple’, ‘Asparagus’ and ‘Macaroni & Cheese’ (kids begin eating their art)

1993 [08] Former PM Pierre Trudeau releases autobiography titled “Memoirs”

1998 [03] Canadian filmmaker Norman Jewison receives ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ from the Canadian Film Centre — which he founded

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1907 [94] 1st game for ‘Edmonton Rugby Foot-ball Club’ (forerunner of Eskimos) as team loses to ‘Calgary City Rugby Foot-ball Club’ (forerunner of Stampeders) 26-5

1911 [90] Frenchman Georges Claude patents the ‘neon sign’ after experimenting with passing an electrical charge through gas (Las Vegas is glad he did!)

1938 [63] 1st ‘Sadie Hawkins Day’ created by “Lil’ Abner” cartoonist Al Capp (when girls ask guys out)

1967 [34] 1st issue of “Rolling Stone” mag comes with free ‘roach clip’ (John Lennon on cover)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [05] Evander Holyfield joins Muhammad Ali as the 2nd boxer to become a 3-time World Heavyweight Champion, by beating Mike Tyson in Las Vegas

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Lung Cancer Awareness Day (have smokers call in and cough, vote on the best)
[Sat] Hug A Veteran Week begins
[Mon] National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day
[Wed] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Thurs] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
Canadian Career Week
National Kids Goal Education Week
Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month (‘Jiffy Karaoke’ — have callers try to sing with a mouthful)

[Sat] Lung Cancer Awareness Day (have smokers call in and cough, vote on the best)
[Sat] Hug A Veteran Week begins
[Sun] Veterans Day (federal holiday is Monday)
[Mon] National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day
[Wed] Operation Room Nurse Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout Day
[Thurs] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Thurs] America Recycles Day

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• 68% of shoplifted clothing is stolen by women. (TRUTH, but 68% of shoplifted TOYS are taken by men!)
• Most of what we see of each other is dead. (TRUTH – hair, skin, etc.)
• If you’re a guy and your father wore boxers, odds are you do too. (BS. Actually the opposite is true — if dad wore boxers, odds are you wear briefs. A recent study shows just 24% of men wear the same style of underwear as their pops.)
• Lions often mate up to 50 times a day.(TRUTH. No wonder Detroit keeps losing!)
• 8 out of 10 newlywed wives admit they’ve cooked and served dinner in the nude at least once during their first year of marriage. (TRUTH. Nice hors d’oeuvres!)
• PMS causes women to lose their memory. (BS. University of Texas research shows that women suffering PMS actually experience BETTER brain activity, with greater memory and awareness of their surroundings.)
• The health club fad of the ‘90s is over. (BS. The number of health clubs is at a record high of 16,983 with nearly 33 million members, far more than a decade ago, according to the International Health, Racquet & Sportsclub Association.)
• Only 1 in 5,000 gamblers regularly turns a profit. (TRUTH, says the book “What Are The Chances?”. But gimme da Bears over the Pack with the spread anyway.)
• Elevators in Singapore are equipped with ‘urine detectors’. (TRUTH. And when they detect it, they automatically lock the elevator doors and initiate a recording by a hidden video camera for  evidence in court. The fine? $75.)

BS TAG LINE:
Judge people by WHAT they are, not WHERE they are.


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