Thursday, November 8, 2001 Edition: #2171
Thanks For Being a Bull Market!
HOW A WOMAN KNOWS SHE’S REACHED MIDDLE AGE:
• Mid-life is when the growth of leg hair slows down, giving you plenty of time to care for your newly-acquired mustache.
• Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and see your rear end without turning around.
• Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize it’s the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
• Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young thing in a tube top and scream at them, “Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!”
• Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
• Mid-life is when your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing you can still retain is water.
• Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the ‘big’ questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much ‘Healthy Choice’ ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
A teaser at the end of last week’s episode of “Survivor: Africa” promised that in the first 15
minutes of TONIGHT’S show “every friendship and every alliance will be shattered” by an anomaly in the game (they all realize what jerks they are and commit mass suicide?) . . . Weirder and weirder — interviewed by his pal, paranormalist Uri Gellar for the tabloid “News of the World”, Michael Jackson claims he and Princess Diana once discussed marriage, and says he’s currently ‘very, very sick’ and is going to be tested for anthrax (yeah buddy, you’re sick alright) . . . ‘Harry Potter’ has been picked the ‘Most Famous Character in English Literature’ in a new poll by marketing research group NOP World, beating out both ‘Winnie the Pooh’ and+ ‘Sherlock Holmes’ . . . Here’s a unique piece of marketing — if you buy the DVD of “Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace”, you get exclusive access to an Internet preview of the next installment “Episode II–Attack of the Clones” through an embedded DVD-ROM link . . . And Brad Pitt tells “Vanity Fair” mag, “I’m completely bored with myself in films” (hey dude, ,join the club).
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Nicole Kidman flatly refused to strip for a naked underwater swimming scene in the upcoming flick “The Hours”, so producers convinced her to wear a ‘nude suit’, a skin-tight, skin-colored suit custom-made by a wetsuit manufacturer . . . Meantime, ex-hubby Tom Cruise will narrate the first-ever IMAX 3D space film, “Space Station”, which will document the construction of the International Space Station (finally, a film where he won’t marry his co-star) . . . Kevin Spacey had to pack on 26 lbs for his role in the recently completed “The Shipping News” (shot in Newfoundland), and now the studio is paying for him to lose it, hiring a chef to prepare all his meals, even when he dines in restaurants (sort of like a ‘reverse doggie bag’) . . . And producer/director George Lucas says the next “Star Wars” movie will feature less creatures & war and more romance (less Wookie, more nookie).
TODAY Microsoft releases its new game console ‘Xbox’ to directly compete with Nintendo’s new ‘GameCube’. The $299 system features a DVD tray, online gaming capability and the ability to use voice-activated headsets. And, most importantly, with a 9.5-foot cord, you can even take a bathroom break without stopping your game (making you a total whiz). By the way, a recent University of British Columbia study shows that interactive video games teach math more effectively than traditional exercises. (“OK, how many bad guys have you killed now, Bradley?”)
WOULD IT BE CALLED THE ‘NORTHO’?
According to the new ‘Portraits of Canada’ poll released by the Centre for Research & Information on Canada, about 55% of Canadians are now in favor of having the same currency as Americans. (That number drops drastically, however, when respondents are told they won’t be able to exchange dollars at one-for-one.)
THE SILVER LINING:
While many businesses have experienced a downturn since 9/11, here’s some that are experiencing sales spikes . . .
• Executivechute Corp of Three Rivers MI, which makes parachutes designed for use from
buildings of 10 stories or more, has received new orders for over 100 of its $795 chutes.
• CTI Paper of Sun Prairie WI has experienced a 25% boost in orders for ‘see-through envelopes’ since the anthrax scare began.
• Georgia-Pacific Corp predicts the anthrax attacks will be a boon for paper towel makers as people have become more intent on washing their hands.
IN A NAME:
A Brazilian man attempting to name his new son ‘Osama bin Laden’ has been temporarily stopped by a law banning names that might cause a child to be mocked. A decade ago, the same man was stopped from naming another son ‘Saddam Hussein’. (In rejecting the ruling, Adolf Hitler says he should be allowed to call his kid whatever he wants.)
SEAL OF APPROVAL?
A Norwegian government minister is promoting the idea of seal hunting as a tourist attraction. The minister defends the idea by saying the country needs to control its seal population and also needs to develop new attractions for tourists. (Now that they’ve just about run out of sacks of kittens to drown.)
FOR THE RECORD:
• Ballet dancer Leigh Zimmerman has set a new “Guinness World Record” by completing 38 consecutive ‘fouettes’ — a spin move similar to a ‘pirouette’. (She says she was hoping to do 50, but had to stop after she drilled straight through the floor.)
• The world’s largest ‘Monopoly’ game is being constructed in a park in San Jose CA, the heart of the Silicon Valley. (Soon you’ll be able to buy entire dot-coms for under $400.)
• Gary Duschl of Waterdown ON is the current world record holder in the category of ‘longest gum wrapper chain’. His current chain contains more than 903,000 wrappers measuring over 38,000 ft, the equivalent of 7 miles, 122 football fields, 183 hockey rinks, 25 Empire State buildings or 7 minutes by car at 60 mph. Now he wants contributions to make the chain even longer. So how did he get into this? And where the hell does he keep it?
THE BULL SHEET 11.08.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931  Morley Safer, Toronto ON, TV journalist (“60 Minutes”, since 1970)
19?? [she won’t say] Luba Goy, GER, CBC-TV/radio comedian (“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1949  Bonnie Raitt, Burbank CA, rock/blues singer/songwriter (“Something to Talk About”)
1951  Mary Hart, Madison SD, TV host (“Entertainment Tonight”, since 1982)/former high school English teacher in Sioux Falls SD and ’Miss South Dakota’ 1970
1952  Christie Hefner, Chicago IL, Playboy Enterprises CEO/Hugh’s daughter
1953  Alfre Woodard, Tulsa OK, actress (“K-Pax”, “Star Trek: First Contact”)
1967  Courtney Thorne-Smith, San Francisco CA, TV actress (Cheryl-“According to Jim”, formerly Georgia Thomas-“Ally McBeal”)
1968  Parker Posey, Baltimore MD, movie actress (“Scream 3″, “You’ve Got Mail”)
1975  Tara Reid, Wyckoff NJ, movie actress (“American Pie 1 & 2”, “Cruel Intentions”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Return It! Day”, a day to take back all the stuff you’ve borrowed from others. According to a survey, 65% of us have borrowed something from a neighbor. Top loaners for men — tools, borrowed by 37%. Most borrowed item by women — sugar, which 25% say they’ve trotted next door for.
TODAY is “Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day”, in order to offset the coming chills of winter. What stinks up a kitchen the worst — boiled cabbage? lamb? garlic? onion?
TODAY is “Dunce Day”, commemorating the 1308 death of Duns Scotus. He wasn’t what we now refer to as a ‘dunce’, he was actually a bookworm!
TODAY is “Abet & Aid Punsters Day”, a day to make up incredibly bad puns, proclaimed by Punsters Unlimited who say the all-time best triple pun is ‘Though he’s not very humble, there’s no police like Holmes’.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1993  Celine Dion announces plans to marry manager Réné Angelil at launch of her mega-selling album “The Color of My Love” (when she’s 25 and he’s 51)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1895  1st ‘X-ray’ by German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen, who saw the bones of his hand as he waved it between a radiation source and a fluorescent screen (he named the rays ‘X’ for unknown) NOTE: X-ray use was originally banned in opera glasses so men couldn’t see through women’s clothing
1910  1st ‘insect electrocutor’, invented by William Frost of Spokane WA (aka the ‘bug zapper’)
1975  The ‘tube top’ is invented (and 1st ‘puppy noses’ detected)
1789  1st ‘bourbon whiskey’ distilled from corn (Elijah Craig-Bourbon KY)
1960  1st Catholic and youngest US President elected (JFK)
1965  1st episode of daytime TV soap “Days Of Our Lives”
1988  1rst incumbent US Vice President to win Presidential election since Martin Van Buren in 1836 (George Bush Sr whips Michael Dukakis)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1970  New Orleans Saints Tom Dempsey (born without a right hand and only half his kicking foot) boots NFL-record 63-yard field goal vs Detroit (record tied in 1998 by Denver’s Jason Elam)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Chaos Never Dies Day
[Sun] Remembrance Day
[Nov 25] 89th Grey Cup (Montréal)
[Sun] Veterans Day
[Nov 22] Thanksgiving Day
Key Club International Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
• A Website called ‘The Dismal Scientist’ features a ‘Layoff Calculator’ that calculates the odds of you being laid off from your job within the next year. What a fine service to provide listeners!
• ‘The Dessert Wizard’ calculates how long it will take to wear off your favorite dessert. Just plug in the dessert, how much you ate, the type of exercise you do, and the wiz tells you how long you’ll be sweatin’ to burn it off.
• The ‘Emode’ Website gives you the chance to find out ‘what your coffee says about you’ by taking a 17-question online test. Click in the answers and voila! – an instant personality profile.
BS QUICK PICKS:
Q: What famous fictional character attends ‘Birchwood Elementary School’?
a) ‘Charlie Brown’
b) ‘Bart Simpson’
c) ‘Harry Potter’
A: ‘Charlie’, ‘Lucy’, ‘Linus’ and the whole gang in the comic strip “Peanuts”.
Q: What is ‘philematology’?
a) Belief in brotherly love.
b) The science of kissing.
c) The study of postage stamps.
A: It’s the ‘smooch science’.
Q: What do half the women polled by “Harper’s Index” say is ‘more reliable’ than a man?
a) A car.
b) Another women.
c) A vibrator.
A: 49% of women believe their car is more reliable than most men they know (and can exert itself longer than 5 minutes).
BS TAG LINE:
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.