November 15, 2000                                       Edition:  #1933

BS WAYS TO GET CANADIANS MORE EXCITED ABOUT FEDERAL ELECTION:
• Prime Minister picked in double-elimination ‘Whack-a-Mole’ tournament.
• Make voting ballots scratch-n-sniff.
• Hottest daughter contest. (Oh oh, Joe Clark wins!)
• Every 10th voter gets a free car wash.
• Get to donate sperm while voting.
• ‘Little Mr PM’ Speedo swimsuit competition.
• Voting conducted at strip clubs instead of smelly elementary schools.
• Candidates take lie detector test wired up to cattle prod.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY a Christie’s auction of Hollywood memorabilia in LA includes 2 Energizer bunny robots, 2 sets of rubber ears and the original mold used to create ‘Mr Spock’‘ on “Star Trek”, and a life mask of ‘Captain Kirk’ (made during one of William Shatner’s infamous dramatic pauses) . . . Ellen DeGeneres is reportedly so eager to make new girlfriend Alexandra Hedison a major star she’s strong-armed pal Jodie Foster to cast her in an upcoming movie (Hedison’s big role so far was in the short-lived TV series:”LA Firefighters”) . . . ‘Mr Madonna’ Guy Ritchie has reportedly received an earful from the wife for buying his ‘n’ hers Harleys, but not because of the expense — mommy’s against parents riding hogs because they’re too dangerous.

NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Chef It Up’ — The new version of “let’s do lunch”. (“What do you say we chef it up while we discuss this deal?”)
• ‘Napsterize’ – To take something without permission. (“The entire joke file on my PC has been Napsterized!”)
• ‘Mousetrapping’ — A technique used by Internet companies that disables your ‘back’ button and keeps sending you to another ad page each time you click on it. (Something easily defeated by turning off your ‘java’.)

SEX MACHINE:
Japanese engineers have developed the world’s first ‘full emersion virtual reality sex machine’. The device, which looks like a giant hair-dryer, uses electronic pulses to stimulate brain cells directly and make you feel like you’re actually participating in sex acts even though you’re actually immobile. The cost is projected to be about $10,000. (Or 1000 lap dances.)

I’LL BE IN THE WAITING ROOM:
A noted psychiatrist claims that up to 30% of husbands who are with their wives during childbirth are so severely traumatized that they’re unable to perform sexually for weeks, sometimes months afterwards. Over 2% remain impotent for as long as 3 years. (Wusses.)

BS JUDGEMENTS:
• A Malaysian woman who works in construction clearing vegetation from job sites won’t face charges for lopping off her husband’s family jewels because the judge ruled she had a good excuse — she was sleepwalking and dreaming of hacking weeds. (You’d think the chainsaw would have woken him.)
• 6 chimpanzees at the Copenhagen Zoo have inherited $60,000 from an 83-year-old widow who had no family. (The judge who read the will says the heirs behaved better than most humans during will-readings.)

THE BULL SHEET 11.15.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1919    [81] Judge Joseph Wapner, LA CA, retried cranky TV judge (he’ll return as guest judge for the 3,000th edition of “The People’s Court” TOMORROW)
1929    [71] Ed Asner, Kansas City MO, former TV actor (“Mary Tyler Moore”)/punch line for any joke about back hair
1940     [60] Sam Waterston, Cambridge MA, TV actor (Ass’t DA Jack McKoy-“Law & Order”)
1945    [55] Frida Lyngstad, Narvik NOR, pop singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen)/after selling over 350 million records worldwide group is enjoying a revival thanks to the nostalgic stage musical “Mamma Mia”
1951    [49] Beverly D’Angelo, Columbus OH, movie actress (“Vacation” series)/engaged to Al Pacino
1957    [43] Kevin Eubanks, Philadelphia PA, guitarist/bandleader (“Tonight Show With Jay Leno”, since 1995)
1967    [33] E-40 (Earl Stevens), Vallejo CA, rap artist (“Things’ll Never Change”)
1968    [32] ODB [Ol’ Dirty Bastard] (Russell Jones), Staten Island NY, rap artist (Wu Tang Clan-“Reunited”) who knows most law officers by name

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day”, time to hunt down and throw out that green-crusted pork chop from September, the moldy mayonnaise jar, and any other ‘mystery items’ you find.

TODAY is “George Spelvin Day” (female variation ‘Georgette’ or ‘Georgina’), commemorating the 1886 invention of the name used on Broadway for actors who have more than one role in a play. The fictitious name has appeared in over 10,000 Broadway programs. (The name “Walter Plinge” is similarly used on the British stage.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1969    [31] 1st Wendy’s fast-food restaurants open (“Hey look, them burgers is square!”)
1981    [19] 1st CFL team to advance to Grey Cup with a losing record (Ottawa 5W-11L)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1974    [26] Rock group Faces releases tune with longest title — “You Can Make Me Dance, Sing or Anything (Even Take the Dog for a Walk, Mend a Fuse, Fold Away the Ironing Board, Or Any Other Domestic Shortcomings)”

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Beaujolais Nouveau Day (worldwide release of France’s new crop wines)
[Fri] National Farm Joke Day
[Sat] Occult Day
[Nov 26] Grey Cup (Calgary)
[Nov 27] Canadian Election Day
National Children’s Book Week
National Family Caregivers Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:

Q:Canada’s longest-serving Prime Minister retired 52 years ago TODAY (1948). Who was it?
A: William Lyon Mackenzie King, who was PM 3 times for a total of 22 years.

BS TAG LINE: A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.


Printer Friendly Version