November 1, 2000                                          Edition:  #1923

Polls show Americans are apathetic about the upcoming election, bored with both the candidates and the so-called ‘issues’. So here’s a look at . . .
BS WAYS TO GET MORE PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT THE ELECTION:
• Institute a ‘Loser Dies’ policy.
• New rule — you get to donate sperm while voting.
• Remind voters that even though it’s never come close to happening in 200 years, your one vote could make the difference!
• Make voting ballots scratch-n-sniff.
• Big red lever in Texas voting booths also connected to electric chair.
• Vote at strip clubs instead of smelly primary schools.
• And here’s a real radical idea — nominate candidates who are worthy of office!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Geena Davis has reportedly been encouraging her sitcom co-star Peter Horton to watch “Three Stooges” videos to learn comedic timing (this week’s episode is entitled “Pie Fight!”) . . . ABC-TV news anchor Peter Jennings is working on a new book called “America” which will purportedly answer the question ‘who are the people who call themselves Americans?’ (they’re all like you Pete — ex-Canadians) . . . Are Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow on or off? One report has he buying she an 18-carat diamond bracelet in Paris, another has them in a very public fight in London over his lack of commitment (hmm, could it be that the diamonds were paste?).

DEGREES OF SEX:
After surveying 10,000 adults, Penn State University researchers have found that college grads only make love an average of 52 times a year, compared to 61 bedroom romps a year for non-college grads. (And 52 times A WEEK for college students.)

GONE BUGGY:
The newest pet craze in the UK is the Cetonia bug. The bright green creepy crawlers imported from Israel, Malaysia and Africa live off the juices of soft fruit and get plastered when the sugary fruit juice turns to alcohol in their bodies. Then the boozy bugs spend their time rolling over drunk, falling down, and crashing into things. Some even get desperate for sex. (We’ve had these in America for years — they’re called husbands.)

WHO’S RUNNING THE ASYLUM?
• More than a third of the psychiatrists attending a conference in Brussels, Belgium who took a sanity test ordinarily given to inmates in mental institutions — flunked.
• Psychologists say best friends are the best medicine for getting rid of stress, and people with close friends are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. (Who do we go out drinking with — our enemies?)

IT’S A DOG’S LIFE:
Dogs get more leg room on airplanes than we do. Strict international guidelines stipulate dogs must be transported in containers twice their width, enabling them to stretch, turn around and ensure circulation. By contrast, the minimum space required for humans is 26 ins from the back of the seat cushion to the seat in front — BEFORE the person ahead reclines the seat. (We hear dogs get better meals, too.)

THE BULL SHEET 11.01.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942    [58] Larry Flynt, Magoffin County KY, sleazy magazine publisher (“Hustler”)
1957    [43] Lyle Lovett, Klein TX, weirdo singer (“Dr T & the Women”)/ex-Mr Julia Roberts
1962    [38] Anthony Kiedes, MI, rock singer (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Californication”)
1963    [37] Rick Allen (Richard Cyril), Sheffield ENG, one-armed rock drummer [as in ‘busier than a  . . .’] (Def Leppard-“Euphoria”)
1972    [28] Toni Collette, Sydney AUS, movie actress (“The Sixth Sense”, “Diana & Me”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] National Authors Day (1929), National Family Literacy Day

TODAY is “All Hallows” or “All Saints’ Day” (835 AD), a Roman Catholic ‘Holy Day of Obligation’.

In Mexico, TODAY is the “Day of the Dead”, when departed souls are remembered with ‘Dead Men’s Bread’ which is decorated with sugar skulls. (“Please Mom, may I have the eye socket?”)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    All-time NFL great, Hall of Fame Chicago Bear RB Walter Payton, dies at 45

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1896    [104] 1st bare-breasted women appear in “National Geographic”
1914      [86] 1st modern ‘bra’ invented by Mary Jacob of NYC
1924     [76] 1st US-based NHL franchise founded (Boston Bruins)
1939     [61] “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” 1st appears in Chicago store pamphlet

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Men Make Dinner Day (where there’s smoke, there’s your father cooking)
[Thurs] All Souls’ Day
[Sat] Sadie Hawkins Day
[Sun] 25th NYC Marathon (http://www.nyrrc.org/nyrrc/marathon/home.html)
[Tues] US Election Day
National Fig Week
Aviation History Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS RADIO JEOPARDY:

(Contestants must answer in the form of a question. When they can’t, you provide the zinger.)
• The answer is ‘Pok-e-mon’. (The correct question is ‘What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?’)
• High on crack. (Where do you wear your thong?)
• Briefcase. (What you get when “Judge Judy” is in a bad mood?)
• Goatee. (What you get when you dip a goat into hot water?)
• The Anna Nicole Smith trial and geography class. (Name two places where you can study globes.)
• O’Hare. (How does Charlton Heston call his toupee? “Oh, hair . . .”)
• Bush and Gore. (Name 2 things that will guarantee a movie gets an ‘R’ rating.)

Q: What did the famous ‘Hollywood’ sign advertise when it was erected in 1923?
A: The sign originally said ‘Hollywoodland’, plugging a real estate development.

BS TAG LINE:
A verbal agreement isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.


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