Monday, November 17, 2008 Edition: #3902
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!
WEEKEND BLOG BS:
• Canadian journalist Arthur Kent (former Gulf War ‘Scud Stud’) has filed a libel lawsuit against CanWest Global over a profile of him that ran in a couple of its newspapers during his unsuccessful run for office in Alberta’s provincial elections earlier this year. The suit has been filed in (huh?) the New York State Supreme Court. (Seems somewhat suit-happy – he just settled another against Universal Studios for using his voice & video recordings in the movie “Charlie Wilson’s War”.)
– CBC Arts & Entertainment
• Adele, Estelle, Leona Lewis, and Duffy were among those nominated for honors at Britain’s 6th annual “Urban Music Awards” on the weekend but nobody won anything because … the show was cancelled due to violence. Fans in attendance say chairs and champagne bottles began flying after a brawl broke out during Saturday’s festivities at London’s O2 arena. One man has been arrested; another is in critical condition after being stabbed; and at least 2 others are being treated for wounds. (This wins ‘Best Awards Brawl’ since the 2004 “Vibe Awards” in LA).
• The dogs saved from former Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick’s kennel of horrors are getting their own shot at fame as … stars of red wine. The ‘Vicktory Dogs Wine Collection’ features portraits of the 22 dogs confiscated from Vick which are now housed in a Utah sanctuary. California’s Carivintas Winery says sales of the signature collection are ‘through the roof’. Each bottle includes a portrait of one of the dogs and a brief story about the rescued animal. (Almost as appealing as the Hungarian wine, ‘Bull’s Blood’.)
• President George W Bush’s dog Barney has reportedly bitten at least 2 people during the administration’s final weeks. Reuters reporter Heather Walker says the Scottish terrier attacked both her and the Boston Celtics PR Director. Walker claims she walked into the White House and noticed Miss Beazley (the First Lady’s Scottish terrier) and Barney sitting on an Oriental rug. When she reached down to pet the pooch, she says, he attacked and bit her. (Reports about a disgruntled Dick Cheney also biting visitors have not been confirmed.)
– “Daily Telegraph”
• Saturday actress Lindsay Lohan & DJ galpal Samantha Ronson were making their way into Paris, France nightclub VIP Room when an anti-fur activist heaved a bag of flour over Lohan, who was wrapped in a mink stole, then yelled, “Lindsay Lohan – fur hag!”. It’s believed the flour-tosser is connected to PETA, which has blasted Lohan in recent days for wearing fur. An infuriated Ronson has since taken to her MySpace blog to hit out at the unnamed female attacker, labeling her ‘an animal’. (Now hon’, that’s further mistreatment of animals.)
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Charlize Theron – The 33-year-old Oscar-winning actress is officially appointed the UN’s 10th ‘Peace Envoy’ at a ceremony in NYC. She joins fellow actors George Clooney and Michael Douglas among others. Her honorary service will focus on ending violence against women. At 15, she witnessed the death of her father when her mother shot him in self-defence.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – Maurice Greene is out of the race as the final four head into the semifinals.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Kanye West is scheduled as the musical guest. He was arrested after an alleged assault involving a paparazzo outside a Newcastle UK nightclub Friday but was later released without charge. His new album “808s & Heartbreak” is out November 24th.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Botox-filled crooner Barry Manilow performs.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Britney Spears – She’s reportedly dumped plans to play the ‘Virgin Mary’ in the upcoming film comedy “Sweet Baby Jesus” after a disagreement with family members about the role. (For once, mom was right.)
• Guns N’ Roses – The lawyer for Kevin Cogill, the LA blogger charged with uploading 9 tracks from the upcoming “Chinese Democracy” album, says his client’s plea bargain with prosecutors will not require any prison time, likely just a year’s probation.
• Justin Timberlake – He’s putting down stakes in NYC, buying up a new $5.5-million loft in Tribeca which he’s said to be moving into within a week.
• Led Zeppelin – A rep for Jimmy Page’s management company tells “Rolling Stone” the classic rock band’s name will not be used if and when Page, John Paul Jones, and Jason Bonham tour and/or record together. Frontman Robert Plant has refused to participate … so far.
• Paul McCartney – He says it’s time an experimental Beatles track saw the light of day. “Carnival of Light”, a 14-minute experimental track, was recorded in 1967 but never released.
• Rod Stewart – He was the headliner at a private 60th birthday bash for Britain’s Prince Charles Saturday. The party was thrown by Charles’ wife Camilla at their Highgrove Estate in the English countryside.
• Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They’ve just listed their 10,500-sq-ft, 6 bedroom, 7.5 bath Beverly Park Mediterranean Village home in California for a mere $14.8 million. For that you get a gym, pool, and 4 acres of land.
• Tokyo Police Club – Thanks to having a writer friend in Hollywood, they got a cameo on “Desperate Housewives” (ABC/CTV), performing on last night’s episode as a garage band called ‘Cold Splash’.
BS LAW & DISORDER:
• In Lynchburg VA, a 33-year-old man has been convicted of burglary and grand larceny after prosecutors linked him to the crime scene through …. a greasy fingerprint. It seems the perp noshed on chicken during the break-in, then left his prints all over a juice bottle. (The judge says … he’s finger-licking guilty!)
• In River Falls WI, a 24-year-old club patron apparently became so incensed by a lackluster karaoke performance that he assaulted both the singer and his friend. According to the police report, the patron attempted to throttle the 28-year old singer when he launched into a heavy metal tune, then turned on the crooner’s wingman for defending his wannabe rock star pal. (So what’s the problem? This should be justifiable homicide!)
• In Willich, Germany an inmate has escaped by sending himself out of prison in a giant FedEx box. The 42-year-old convicted drug dealer hid in the laundry room after work was completed, was then loaded into a courier van in a container of laundry and driven through the prison gates. At the next stop he exited the box, picked the lock on the back of the van and ran off into nearby woods. Police are still hunting the fugitive. (“When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight … relax, it’s FedEx.”)
• In Fort Pierce FL, an 11-year-old boy has been arrested for aggravated battery after he whacked his mother on the head with a saw …. then offered her $5 not to call cops. Apparently It wasn’t enough, because the woman – who suffered a minor laceration – called it in immediately. (A lousy 5 bucks? You are so grounded, dude.)
ALL-TIME ‘JAMES BOND’ THEMES:
A new ranking of the best ‘Bond’ spy songs ever …
5. “The Living Daylights” … A-ha.
4. “The Spy Who Loved Me” … Carly Simon.
3. “A View To A Kill” … Duran Duran.
2. “Goldfinger” … Shirley Bassey.
1. “Goldeneye” … Tina Turner.
How does “Quantum Of Solace” by Jack White & Alicia Keys rate? This ranking puts them at #7.
– “Blender Magazine.
TOURISM’S DOWN; SO ARE PANTS:
An Australian resort is holding a month-long, ‘anything goes’ party in March in an attempt to combat the current economic downturn. The controversial clothes-optional resort made headlines 3 years ago when cops were called in to end partner-swapping parties after a rash of public complaints. But Tony Fox, owner of the White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, Queensland, defends the planned free-for-all as the travel industry is expecting vacation bookings to drop by up to a third in early 2009. Fox says difficult economic times call for … ‘stiff measures’. (When the going gets tough, the tough get naked.)
– “Brisbane Courier-Mail“
SPAM IS UP:
One factory in America that’s been busy as the rest of the economy slows down is the Hormel Foods plant in Austin MN that makes … Spam. It’s been operating 2 shifts-a-day, 7 days-a-week in order to fill orders for the canned lunch meat. Workers, with all the overtime they can handle, have been told the long hours are likely to continue indefinitely. An official notes that Spam sales seem to do well whenever hard times hit. The stuff is reasonably priced protein, if not gourmet food. (It’s main competitor, Alpo, is also experiencing brisk sales.)
– “New York Times”
STREAMING NEW AUDIENCE:
Online listenership to terrestrial stations that also stream online is growing. A number of Internet stations are pulling back on programming due to increased royalty rates, which are still being debated in the legal system. But according to new data from Arbitron ComScore, traditional terrestrial broadcasting stations are experiencing significant online audience increases and are offsetting costs by selling integrated online and off-line advertising packages to sponsors. (In case you’re wondering why you should bother offering online listening.)
– “Friday Morning Quarterback”
FOR THE RECORD:
• 20-year-old Brazilian babe Melanie Nunez Fronckowiak has backed into a world beauty title. She’s just been declared the winner of the ‘World’s Most Beautiful Bottom’ contest by shaking her underwear-clad booty before a panel of judges in Paris, France. (Now she’s the butt of jokes.)
• 16-year-old British teen Michael Perham has set off from Portsmouth UK on a voyage that could make him the ‘Youngest to Sail Solo Around-the-World’. He’s aiming to guide his 50-foot racing yacht on a 21,000-mile trip along the coast of Africa, around the Cape of Good Hope and then east across the Indian Ocean and the Pacific into the South Atlantic. In order to survive the trek, he’s loaded several thousand songs on his iPod. (And brought a stack of “Playboy” mags.)
– “The Telegraph”
DID YOU KNOW?
• The world’s population is, on average, less than 65% happy.
• A man’s sex drive is lowered whenever his favorite sports team loses?
– “Fun Facts”
AND WE QUOTE:
“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice.”
– Kanye West, telling the UK media how he humbly accepts his lot in life.
BS CHRONOMETER 11.17.08
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938  Gordon Lightfoot, Orillia ON, Canadian icon/pop/folk singer (“Wreck Of the Edmund Fitzgerald”, “If You Could Read My Mind”)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1986)/Canada’s Walk Of Fame (1998)/CCMA Hall Of Fame (2001)/Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame (2003)/Companion of the Order of Canada (2003)
1942  Martin Scorsese, Queens NY, movie director (“Shine a Light”, “GoodFellas”)/2007 Academy Award for ‘Best Director’ (“The Departed”)
1944  Danny DeVito, Asbury Park NJ, 5′-1” movie actor (“Get Shorty”, “Batman Returns”)/movie producer (“Erin Brockovich”, “Pulp Fiction”)/TV actor (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia“ since 2006, “Taxi” 1978-83)
1944  Lorne Michaels (Lipowitz), Toronto ON, TV producer (“30 Rock”, “Saturday Night Live” since 1975, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” since 1993, “The Kids in the Hall”)/movie producer (“Baby Mama”, “Mean Girls”)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)
1963  Dylan Walsh, LA CA, TV actor (‘Sean McNamara’ on “Nip/Tuck” since 2003)
1966  Richard Fortus, St Louis MO, rock guitarist (Guns N’ Roses-“Chinese Democracy”)
1977  Aaron Lines, Fort McMurray AB, country singer (“When We Make Love”, “Cheaper to Keep Her”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Farm Joke Day”, a day to have a chuckle about the rural lifestyle. You can have a cow here …
BS DOWN-ON-THE-FARM COMPUTER TERMS:
• Log On … Makin’ the wood stove hotter.
• Download … Getting the firewood off the pickup.
• Hard Drive … Getting home during a winter storm.
• Windows … What you shut when it’s -30.
• Modem … What you did to the hay fields.
• Lap Top … Where little kids feel comfy.
• Keyboard … Where you hang the tractor keys.
• Mouse … What eats the horses’ grain in the barn.
• “Homemade Bread Day”, when we’re all encouraged to bake a loaf from scratch. These days that means emptying an envelope into your automatic breadmaker and pushing the little red button. It’s a good day to get a bun in the oven!
• “International Students’ Day”, an annual international observance saluting student activism.
• “Leonid Meteor Shower”, the annual sky show when you can see ‘shooting stars’. This year’s show is expected to peak early this morning.
• “Take A Hike Day”, which is either a day to enjoy the outdoors or to get out of someone’s face.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2006  Sony’s ‘PlayStation 3′ game console has its North American release
2006  21st ‘James Bond’ film, “Casino Royale”, opens in movie theaters
2003  Arnold Schwarzenegger is sworn in as the 38th Governor of California
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1958  13-year-old Brenda Lee releases “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, which goes on to become a holiday season classic
2002  Michael Jackson briefly dangles baby son Prince Michael II (aka ‘Blanket’) over a Berlin, Germany hotel balcony for fans waiting outside (the world quivers)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Married To A Scorpio Support Day
[Wed] Have A Bad Day Day
[Wed] World Toilet Day
[Thurs] Name Your PC Day
[Thurs] National Child Day in Canada
[Thurs] 2008 Billboard Touring Awards (NYC)
[Thurs] Universal Children’s Day
[Thurs] 32nd Great American Smokeout
[Fri] World Television Day
This Week Is … Culinary Week
This Month Is … Healthy Skin Month
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Ask a phone contestant (kids are great) or studio guest to finish these famous movie quotes …
• “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she … [walks into mine.”]
– Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca”.
• “Well, it’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the … [life in your men.”]
– Mae West in “I’m No Angel”.
• “Would you be shocked if I put on something … [more comfortable?”]
– Jean Harlow in “Hell’s Angels”.
• “The name is Bond … [James Bond.”]
– Every ‘James Bond’ actor in every ‘007′ movie … until “Quantum of Solace”.
• “My Mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know … [what you’re gonna get.’”]
– Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump”
• “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give … [a damn!”]
– Clark Gable in “Gone With the Wind”.
Get the actual sound clips here …
BS RANDOM JOKE:
I thought I made a mistake once … but I was wrong.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Having 3 or more of THESE a day can shrink a woman’s breasts.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cups of coffee.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Handle yourself with your head, handle others with your heart.