Monday, November 3, 2008        Edition: #3892
Wow, You Really Know Your Sheet!

• Simon Cowell’s mother is blaming her son for the breakdown of his relationship with 6-year GF Terri Seymour and is urging the pair to give it one more try. Seymour reportedly dumped Cowell 2 months ago over his refusal to marry and settle down. Cowell’s rep has confirmed the couple has split, but insists they parted amicably. (BS translation: The live-in pre-nup was so iron-clad, she can’t sue.)
• 32-year-old “Canadian Idol” and “eTalk Daily” host Ben Mulroney has wed 29-year-old fashion designer Jessica Brownstein in a mixed Catholic-Jewish ceremony at St Patrick’s Basilica in Montréal. About 75 guests attended the private ceremony THURSDAY and around 350 showed for the reception SATURDAY. The pair, who both grew up in the Westmount area, have known each other since childhood. (They were born with matching silver spoons.)
• FOX-TV is canceling its long-running animated comedy “King Of the Hill”, now in its 13th season. It’s been announced the final episodes of the half-hour series will air during the 2009-10 season. (This is shocking! That lame show’s still on?)
• Montréal pranksters Sébastien Trudel & Marc-Antoine Audette, who call themselves ‘The Masked Avengers’, punk’d Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin SATURDAY by making her believe she was on the phone with French president Nicolas Sarkozy. The fake Sarkozy asked if ‘Joe the Plumber’ was her husband; invited her to hunt baby seals by helicopter; bragged that from his house he can see Belgium; and told her she would make a good president. (He was kidding about all of that.)
– CP
• In a bid to break into the country music biz, the infamous ‘Joe the Plumber’ (Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher) has signed with a Nashville publicist and management group on the advice of country star Aaron Tippin. A book is also in the works, and speaking appearances are planned. (So much to do in only 15 minutes!)
• The new ‘James Bond’ film, “Quantum of Solace”, has broken the box office record on its opening day in Britain by taking in £4.9 million ($9.6 million CDN/$7.9 million) FRIDAY, shredding the mark set by “Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire”. However, unlike the previous ‘007′ film, “Casino Royale”, this one is getting mixed reviews. (The last really good one was in 1967.)
– “Daily Telegraph”
• Famous person Paris Hilton is laughing off claims she’s struggling with an eating disorder, insisting she’s in the best shape of her life. Several bloggers and online gossips have recently suggested the bone-rack is looking even skinnier since her recent trek to the UK to film a British version of her reality show “My BFF”. But Hilton denies there’s any problem, attributing her new look to … Pilates. (The brand name of a British vomit inducer?)
– “In Touch”
• And 22-year-old Ashley Olsen is reportedly planning to marry 30-year-old movie actor Justin Bartha (“National Treasure”) in a secret $1-million ceremony NEXT SUMMER on the French Riviera. The wedding party will allegedly include twin sister Mary-Kate; and word has it A-O will ask her favorite designer, Karl Lagerfeld, to create a custom-made gown. She also wants photographer Annie Leibovitz to capture the entire extravaganza. (And likely the pope to perform the ceremony!)
– “National Enquirer”

• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – Cloris Leachman has been eliminated, so 6 couples remain to participate in the first-ever ‘2-team’ dances.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Rapper Young Jeezy is a guest.
• “Saturday Night Live Presidential Bash 2008“ (NBC/Global) – A compilation of “SNL” satire of the 2008 presidential election.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Country duo Sugarland (“Already Gone”) performs.

• Amy Winehouse – She’s been released from a London hospital after a one-week stay for treatment of a ‘chest infection’.
• Beyoncé Knowles – She says she piled on 20 lbs to play R&B legend Etta James in the new movie “Cadillac Records” by inhaling cartons of … butter pecan ice-cream.
• Fall Out Boy – Their guitar cases are often showered onstage with fireworks and the residue leaves airport security uneasy. The group most recently hit problems during a stopover in Canada when the pyrotechnic residue showed up on X-ray … as an explosive.
• Rolling Stones – 61-year-old guitarist Ronnie Wood has reportedly offered his estranged wife Jo £3 million ($5.9 million CDN/$4.9 million) a year in a divorce deal. He walked out on his partner of 23 years after his affair with 20-year-old Ekaterina Ivanova was exposed in the media. He says he doesn’t care about money … Jo can have what she wants.
• U2 – Plans to build the tallest building in Ireland, the ‘U2 Tower’, topped off with new recording studios for the group, have been suspended because of Dublin’s slumping property market. The Dublin Docklands Development Authority says it remains committed to erecting the building … just not at the moment. (BS translation: The $2-million apartments aren’t selling.)
• Wynonna – Her 51-year-old estranged husband and former bodyguard, Dan Roach, has pleaded guilty to 2 felony counts of attempted aggravated sexual battery on a minor and is now heading to jail. He was arrested in March 2007 … 5 days before she filed for a divorce.

John McCain supporters who believe they haven’t gotten a fair shake from the media during the Republican’s candidacy against Barack Obama have a new study to back them up. According to the Center for Media & Public Affairs, comments made by anchors, reporters, sources, and voters that aired on ABC, CBS and NBC evening newscasts over the past 2 months reflected positively on Obama 65% of the time, compared to 31% of the time for McCain. ABC’s “World News” had more balance than either NBC’s “Nightly News” or the “CBS Evening News”. Interestingly, the first half of Fox News Channel’s “Special Report” with Brit Hume showed more balance than any of the big 3 networks … it was dominated by negative evaluations of both campaigns. (He’s just plain ornery!)
– AP

• A 34-year-old woman has been charged with impaired driving … on a Zamboni … while cleaning the ice at the Kingsville Arena in Ontario. The driver was pulled over by an off-duty Ontario Provincial Police sergeant who was told by a number of people the ice resurfacing machine was weaving all over the rink, missing huge sections of ice and constantly running into the boards. When she was finally stopped, the driver was found to have a mickey of vodka in her front pants pocket. (Goes to show ya … beware of vodka on ice!)
– “Windsor Star”
• ‘Superman’ has taken part in a New York home invasion! Nassau police say 3 men dressed in Halloween costumes, one as the ‘Man of Steal’, showed up at a home about 7 pm, rang the doorbell and announced ‘trick or treat’. They then assaulted the man who answered the door, put a pillowcase over his head, taped his hands, and robbed him of cash and other belongings. The victim wasn’t able to identify the other robbers’ costumes. (However, police are on the lookout for Sarah Palin and Marilyn Manson.)
– “NY Daily News“
• A road sign in Wales has been ordered taken down by an embarrassed Swansea Council. It admits the error occurred after a translation service was emailed for help in translating a sign into Welsh that reads: ‘No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only.’ Apparently, the lame-brained office workers in charge failed to realize the email reply they received was an automatic out-of-office response. So they used it as a literal translation. Thus, the sign reads in Welsh: ‘I am out of the office at the moment’. (Nice to see the civil service is equally competent around-the-world!)
– Sky News

1. Young Jeezy, “The Recession”
2. Cindy Lauper, “Money Changes Everything”
3. Bon Jovi, “Livin’ On A Prayer”
4. DRI, “Bailout”
5. Tony, Tone, Toni, “If I Had No Loot”
6. Nappy Roots, “Po Folks”
7. Radiohead, “House of Cards”
8. Heaven 17, “Crushed By the Wheels of Industry”
9. Alex Chilton, “Lost My Job”
10. Yo La Tengo, “Be Thankful For What You Got”
– “Blender Magazine”

Experts note that observation of Daylight Saving Time differs from country-to-country. Japan hasn’t participate in time changes, except for a brief period from 1948-to-1952 when it was enforced by occupying US troops who thought Japanese clocks should match American clocks … 13 time zones away. China also avoids time changes. In fact, the entire country is set to Beijing time, meaning that in different regions 9 am can range from pre-dawn darkness to mid-afternoon sun. Nepal, meanwhile, uses time changes as a political statement. To assert its independence, the country put itself on the quarter-hour. That means that if it’s noon in Ottawa or Washington, it’s 9:45 pm in Nepal. (But still 7:30 in Newfoundland.)
– “Washington Post“

Vocal coach Caroline Goyder has written the new book, “The Star Qualities”, which includes a review of actors’ methods for combating nerves and stage fright. A few of the tips …
• Never stand with your arms folded. It looks defensive.
• Make fear your friend. Channel the adrenalin it produces to sharpen your performance.
• To ooze charisma, imagine you have a wonderful secret you are keeping to yourself.
• In shy moments, stand tall and relax your knees to raise your confidence.
– “Sunday Times of London”

Some of the new terms added to the 2008 edition of the “Collegiate Dictionary” …
• Air Quotes – Making the sign of quotation marks with finger gestures.
• Fanboy – A boy who is an enthusiastic devotee (of comics, gaming, movies, etc).
• Infinity Pool – An outdoor swimming pool having an edge over which water flows into a trough but seems to flow into the horizon.
• Mondegreen – A word or phrase that results from a mishearing of something said or sung.
• Pescatarian – A vegetarian whose diet includes fish.
• Racino – A racetrack at which slot machines are also available for gamblers.

NOVEMBER is the month when the most hair falls out.

1953 [55] Dennis Miller, Pittsburgh PA, TV personality (“Dennis Miller” 2004-05, “NFL Monday Night Football” 2000-02; “Saturday Night Live” 1985-91)/syndicated radio host (“The Dennis Miller Show” on Westwood One)/occasional movie actor (“What Happens in Vegas”, “Joe Dirt”)

1955 [53] Phil Simms, Lebanon KY, yacky & whiney-voiced NFL analyst (CBS-TV)/ex-NFL QB (2 Super Bowls-NY Giants 1979-93)

1979 [29] Tim McIlrath, Indianapolis IN, rock vocalist/guitarist (Rise Against-“Re-Education [Through Labor]”, “The Good Left Undone”)

• “Cliché Day”. It’s amazing how they infiltrate our daily conversations. Try to make it through an entire show without anyone uttering a cliché. Hit the buzzer every time one pops up!

• “Digital Scrapbooking Day”, because if there’s anything that will make decorating family mementoes nobody cares about with frilly bows & crazy captions more exciting it’s … doing it online!

• “Gambling Addiction Awareness Day”. Hey, bet you didn’t know that!

• “Housewives’ Day”. Whoa, is that a PC term anymore? How about ‘homemaker’?

• “Sandwich Day”, celebrating the 1718 birth of John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A compulsive gambler, he wanted something that could be eaten at gaming tables and earned immortality when he began eating beef between slices of toast in 1792. Nowadays, we eat an average of 193 sandwiches apiece annually. (Dissenters say Montagu stole the idea from a guest – the Earl of Shrewsbury. So it SHOULD be a peanut butter shrewsbury, a grilled cheese shrewsbury, a knuckle shrewsbury …)

2006 [02] “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” opens in movie theaters, starring British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen

1990 [18] “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice hits #1, the first rap tune to top pop charts
1817 [191] Canada’s 1st bank opens (Bank of Montréal)

1900 [108] 1st ‘Auto Show’ in America (Madison Square Garden)

1930 [78] 1st ‘International Vehicle Tunnel’ in the world opens (Detroit MI-Windsor ON)

1995 [13] 1st regular season game for NBA’s Toronto Raptors (a win over NJ Nets)

1998 [10] Minnesota elects former pro wrestler Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura as Governor

1982 [26] Dow Jones Industrial Average surges 43.41 points, marking the greatest single day gain in the history of the NYSE (these days, fluctuations of several hundred points are not uncommon)

1996 [12] Youngest-ever NBA player, LA Laker Kobe Bryant, takes the floor at the tender age of 18 years, 2 months and 11 days

2004 [04] “Jeopardy!” contestant Ken Jennings shatters the record for TV game show earnings, amassing $45,099 to bring his total take to $2,197,000

[Tues] US Election Day
[Tues] Brad Paisley releases “Play”
[Tues] Use Your Common Sense Day
[Wed] Take Our Kids to Work Day
[Wed] Guy Fawkes Day (UK)
[Thurs] Saxophone Day
[Thurs] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Thurs] MTV Europe Music Awards (Liverpool)
[Sat] 2008 Directors Guild of Canada Awards (Toronto)

Animal Shelter Appreciation Week / Canadian Children’s Book Week / French Conversation Week / Patient Accessibility Week / World Communication Week

A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …

• You went as actor Colin Farrell and your entire costume involved Magic-Markering your eyebrows together.
• Your Sarah Palin costume was ruined when the shoes kept falling out of your mouth.
• Your prison uniform ripped every time you bent over.
• Thanks to the sliding humps, no one could tell whether you came as a camel or Dolly Parton.
• Your ‘Keira Knightley’ kept barfing in the judge’s trick-or-treat bag.
• You couldn’t get the zipper on your John Mayer costume to stay up.
• Even though your ‘Viagra Man’ outfit was clever, people just mistook you for a lawyer.
• Your ‘80s wardrobe just didn’t go over, especially after you revealed you forgot there even WAS a costume contest.
• After your roommate insisted on being ‘the front legs’, you discovered that a burrito dinner wasn’t such a good idea.
Today’s Question: If you make $75K or more a year, chances are you have 4 or more of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Watches.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

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