Wednesday, November 5, 2008        Edition: #3894
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

NBC-TV has asked actor/rapper Ice Cube (“Are We There Yet?”, “Barbershop”) to write and produce a new buddy-cop comedy (“Boyz n the Box”?) . . . Personal trainer Anthony Badalamenti, who has helped hefty reality-show contestants shed pounds on “The Biggest Loser” (NBC) has been arrested on suspicion of beating his girlfriend’s 6-year-old son with a weight-lifting belt (biggest loser, indeed) . . . The lame “World Music Awards” has yet to confirm this but Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been dumped from hosting NEXT WEEK’s ceremony in favor of Denise Richards (ow, could there be a bigger burn?) . . . ‘Dr Erica Hahn’ is scrubbing out of “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC/CTV) as actress Brooke Smith is leaving after the burgeoning romance of ‘Callie and Erica’ comes to an abrupt end THIS WEEK . . . Meantime, actress Jessica Capshaw (Steven Spielberg’s stepdaughter) is joining the cast to play ‘Dr Arizona Robbins’, an adorable, blond, confident-but-not-intimidating pediatrician (a 3-episode story arc that may be extended) . . . Movie actor/producer Tim Allen is being sued for allegedly ripping off the idea for his 2007 geezer-biker movie “Wild Hogs”, a production company asking for a measly $25,000 (come to think of it, that’s more than that crap movie was worth) . . . And for the 3 people who actually care, Deanna Pappas, the most recent “Bachelorette” star (ABC) has called off her engagement (whatever happened to good old fashioned reality show marriages like Trista & Ryan’s?).

• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The election-delayed results show features Lionel Richie performing his 1986 hit “Dancing On the Ceiling” and the new song “Good Morning” from his upcoming album “Just Go”. Akon and Ne-Yo share writing credits on the new album, due in FEBRUARY.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – John Legend is onstage.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Brad Paisley promotes his new album “Play”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tracy Chapman performs.

• Death Cab For Cutie – Bassist Nick Harmer writes on his blog that frontman Ben Gibbard was stung by a scorpion just as he was about to go on stage in San Diego CA last week … twice. Yes, the show went on.
• Fall Out Boy – It’s now official. They’ve broken the “Guinness World Record” for ‘Most Interviews on Radio in a 24-hour Period’ … speaking to 72 radio stations on FRIDAY.
• Pink – According to UK paper “The Sun”, she got into an argument with John Mayer at a recent party after he told her he only sleeps with ‘really stupid women’ and she responded ‘I guess they would have to be’. Let’s see: Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston … at least the guy’s honest!

•  A 19-year-old Englishman from Glastonbury has legally changed his name from George Garret to ‘Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spider-Man Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined’, after paying a $16 fee. Why? He says he wanted to be ‘unique’.
– “NY Post”
• A soup kitchen solely for dogs of the homeless and unemployed has opened in Berlin, Germany. Making sure dogs don’t go hungry is just as important as making sure people don’t starve, claims director Claudi Hollm. Brother, can you spare some Puppy Chow?
– Reuters
• New Zealand’s Hell’s Pizza chain has apologized for a Halloween ad campaign featuring late Everest conqueror Sir Edmund Hillary, late movie star Heath Ledger, and Britain’s late Queen Mother. The ads featured skeleton animations of them dancing on graves to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. The company says it didn’t mean to cause offence. LAST YEAR, the chain ran ads showing Hitler in a Nazi salute with a pizza in his hand. It seems taste may be a problem?
– “Dominion Post”
• A 62-year-old bowler from Ravenna MI has died of a heart attack. He collapsed on the floor while high-fiving his teammates after rolling a 300 … his first-ever perfect game. Life’s like that.
– Associated Press.

Some of the worst-ever disasters and their financial cost, translated to today’s dollars …
5. Piper Alpha Oil Rig, off Scotland in the North Sea (1988) … $3.4 billion.
4. Space shuttle ‘Challenger’ explosion (1986) … $5.5 billion.
3. Prestige Oil Spill off Galicia, Spain (2002) … $12 billion.
2. Space Shuttle ‘Columbia’ disaster (2003) … $13 billion.
1. Chernobyl nuclear accident in Ukraine (1986) … $200 billion.
These all make the “Titanic” sinking seem tame at just $150 million.

• In Britain, a 35-year-old West Midlands man has been rescued after becoming … super-glued to a toilet seat. Firefighters who were called in to free the man from a public washroom cubicle were forced to remove the stainless steel toilet with the poor guy still attached. He was taken to hospital where doctors managed to separate his assets using chemicals. No one’s yet been arrested for the prank.
– BBC News
•  A 16-year-old Australian boy has been busted after cops caught him … breaking into an  Adelaide police station. The intruder, who cops say ‘might have had a bit too much to drink’, was discovered when officers heard a window being smashed in. The lad’s been charged with breaking & entering and causing more than $1,500 damage. He’s awaiting trial in a cell … at the scene of the crime.
– “Daily Telegraph”
• A 33-year-old Polish driver has lost his licence after driving to a police station to ask … if he was too drunk to drive. It seems he’d been out drinking with friends and wasn’t sure if he was over the limit and wanted to find a police officer to find out. Unfortunately he decided the nearest station was too far to walk, so he drove there. After the Bialystok cops did a breath test, they arrested him on the spot.
– Ananova News Service

Computer science students at the University of California at San Diego have written a program that can duplicate keys from security camera photos. The team demonstrated the software at the “Conference on Communications & Computer Security”. First, they took close-up shots of keys using a cellphone camera. Then, using a 5-inch telephoto lens, they stood on top of a building and took photos of keys sitting on a table 200 feet away. In both cases, they were able to capture sufficient data to create duplicate keys.

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ . . .
• Scientists say . . . the happiest demographic of people are those who have a few drinks a day. Those who consume more than 3 drinks a day don’t do quite as well, but those who never drink at all are the least happy of all. Researchers think that may be because total teetotalers are more likely to be isolated from social activities.
• Scientists say . . . people who use alcohol and/or drugs before the age of 15 are 2- to 3-times more likely to develop addictions, contract STDs, drop out of school, and become criminals. This obvious-as-the-nose-on-your-face research also concludes that the younger you are when you start drinking or doing drugs, the more likely you are to have drug and alcohol-related issues as an adult. If you make it that far.
• Scientists say . . . men don’t like to admit that they are depressed, so they are more likely than depressed women to withdraw into silent misery or hide depression under anger, irritability, alcoholism, or drug abuse. But if a guy catches a common cold, you’re gonna hear all about it … constantly.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Fakeout’ (or ‘Fakeaway’) – A homemade meal that mimics a takeout meal purchased from a restaurant. (“Tonight we’re having fakeout for dinner … I’m frying burgers in lard.”)
• ‘Liquor-cycle’ – A moped or scooter that does not require the rider to have a driver’s license, and so can be used by someone with a licence suspended due to a DUI conviction.
• ‘Hasbian’ – A former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship. (“Anne Heche had no luck with Ellen DeGeneres and no luck as a hasbian either – now she’s divorcing Coley Laffoon.”)

• The oldest baby boomers enter retirement beginning in 2011.
– “Social Studies”
• The average number of calories burned off each year by doing household chores is 50,261. That’s roughly equivalent to 603 glasses of wine or 192 chocolate bars.
– “Daily Mail”

1941 [67] Art Garfunkel, Forest Hills NY, oldies singer (Simon & Garfunkel-“Bridge Over Troubled Water”, “I Am a Rock”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1990)

1959 [49] Bryan Adams, Kingston ON, oldies singer (Grammy Award-“[Everything I Do] I Do It For You”, “Cuts Like a Knife”)

1960 [48] Tilda Swinton, London UK, movie actress (“Burn After Reading”, 2007 Oscar-“Michael Clayton”)

1961 [47] David Bryson, San Francisco CA, alt-rock guitarist (Counting Crows-“Accidentally in Love”, “Mr Jones”)

1971 [37] Jonny Greenwood, Oxford UK, rock musician (Radiohead-“Bodysnatchers”, “Creep”)

1987 [21] Kevin Jonas, Teaneck NJ, boy-band singer/guitarist (Jonas Brothers-“Burnin’ Up”)/TV personality (“Camp Rock”, “Jonas Brothers: Living the Dream”)

• “Guy Fawkes Day” in England, a traditional celebration since 1752. It commemorates the 1605 ‘Gunpowder Plot’ when Fawkes-led Catholics attempted to blow up the Parliament Buildings. One of the day’s traditions gives it its nickname … ‘Bonfire Night’.

• “Take Our Kids to Work Day”, the 14th annual national program instigated by The Learning Partnership where hundreds-of-thousands of Grade 9 students spend the day at workplaces experiencing a wide variety of career options. More than 1.5 million young Canadians and tens-of-thousands of workplaces nationwide have participated in the program since 1994.

2003 [05] “The Matrix Revolutions” (3rd in the trilogy) opens at the exact same moment worldwide, the first-ever simultaneous global movie release

1988 [20] Beach Boys hit #1 with the single “Kokomo”, the longest gap between #1 hits by a recording artist (21 years, 10 months since “Good Vibrations”)

1923 [85] 1st ‘Electric Shaver’ patented (and 1st guy suffers severe pain when his nose hair gets caught)

1995 [13] 1st NBA game at Vancouver’s GM Place (Grizzlies beat Timberwolves in OT, but the team’s history is all downhill from there until it moves to Memphis)

2007 [01] China’s 1st lunar satellite, ‘Chang’e 1′, goes into orbit around the Moon

1994 [14] 45-year-old George Foreman becomes ‘Oldest Heavyweight Boxing Champion’ by KO-ing Michael Moorer (who will never live it down)

[Thurs] MTV Europe Music Awards (Liverpool)
[Thurs] Saxophone Day
[Thurs] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Fri] World Community Day
[Sat] 2008 Directors Guild of Canada Awards (Toronto)
[Sat] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
[Sat] Parents As Teachers Day
[Sat] International Tongue Twister Day
This Week Is … Animal Shelter Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Lung Cancer Awareness Month

Microsoft has announced the next version of its Windows operating system is simply being called ‘7′. Here’s perhaps why …
• It’s the number of years before it’ll be released.
• Proves that Windows is only 3 versions behind Apple.
• Product naming team wanted to leave early to beat rush-hour.
• Because, as they say at Microsoft, 7th time’s a charm.
• New editions will now be named according to the number of years until the robot uprising.
• Signifies the number of billions Bill Gates lost in the stock market last week.

Who’s the all-time ‘ultimate hottie’? (Either gender.)

These are not trick questions, just straight questions with straight answers …
• There are 14 common punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half? (Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.)
• Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. (Boxing.)
• In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? (It grew there. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stem.)

You run down the list while your guest/phone caller/crew member decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Try and take a banana from a large monkey OR try and take an egg from a mother goose on her nest?
• Cut your own hair OR have it cut by an expert hairdresser who is blindfolded?
• Be able to talk with all animals OR be able to understand all foreign languages?
• Lick the spit off of a dog’s mouth after it returns from a run OR try to steal a bone from a pit bull?
• Drink a glass of really spicy mustard OR eat a super-sized bag of fries found in a sidewalk trash can?
• Be able to sleep upside down like a bat OR be able to sleep standing up like a cow?
• Eat a hair sandwich OR an earwax omelette?
• Have to always wear 3-D glasses OR have to wear a milk mustache at all times?
• Go back in time 1 million years OR go into the future 1 million years?
• Be really smart but really boring OR be really dumb but funny and entertaining?

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with slab after slab of juicy bacon. “Hey Pepe”, says the first guy. “Ees a bacon tree, we’re saved!” Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets. “What happened?” shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend warns “Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush!”

Today’s Question: You can tell THIS about a person by the size of their ring finger.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The larger the finger, the more testosterone.

Unwritten laws can not be erased.

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