Monday, November 2, 2009          Edition: #4134
Don’t Forget to Renew or It’s No Sheet, Sherlock!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• A French lawyer for 76-year-old filmmaker Roman Polanski, currently imprisoned in Switzerland, says a new bail offer will be filed today and it will be a ‘very, very significant’ cash amount. Swiss authorities rejected an offer Friday because it was not in cash and they consider the director a high flight-risk. Polanski, arrested September 26th on a 1977 charge of relations with a 13-year-old girl, is awaiting a decision on extradition to the US. (Maybe his pal Jack Nicholson got tapped for a loan?)
– StarPulse.com
• Karen McNeil, the woman accused of stalking Justin Timberlake, has responded in writing to a restraining order recently issued by a Los Angeles judge, claiming ‘Babylon witches are casting evil’ on her; and that she is a ‘god’ whom Timberlake has been following so they can ‘rule’ together. She was previously issued a restraining order to stay away from Guns ‘N Roses rocker Axl Rose. (Watch, some cash-starved network will give this whack job a reality show.)
– TMZ.com
• 42-year-old British director Sam Taylor-Wood is engaged to Aaron Johnson, the 19-year-old actor she cast to star in her new movie about John Lennon’s youth, titled “Nowhere Boy”. Rumors began circulating about the duo dating after they showed up together on the red carpet at the “Cannes Film Festival” in May. Now a spokesperson has confirmed they are ‘very happy’ about their engagement. Taylor-Wood split from her art dealer-husband last year. (A 23-year age difference …. is she ‘Queen Of the Cougars’?)
– Times Online
• Sorta singer and sometime actress Jessica Simpson says she’s tired of dating jocks and musicians and she’s now ready for … an academic. Her string of failed relationships has included singers Nick Lachey and John Mayer, and NFL star Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys). In a TV interview, Simpson says she’s still single because she gets bored easily and ‘craves intellectual stimulation’, so now she’s seeking someone that will always ‘keep her intrigued’. (This girl couldn’t even spell ‘intrigued’.)
– “Extra”
• Friday’s 2nd night of the “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 25th Anniversary” concerts in NYC opened with Jerry Lee Lewis singing “Great Balls of Fire” and continued with collaborations from Aretha Franklin w/Annie Lennox, Metallica w/Lou Reed & Ozzy Osbourne, and U2 w/Black Eyed Peas. The climatic finalé saw Mick Jagger, Fergie, and will.I.am join U2 to sing “Gimme Shelter”, then Jagger stayed onstage to help U2 perform “Stuck In a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”. U2 closed the show with “Beautiful Day”.
– ContactMusic.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Faith Hill (“Joy To the World”).
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Mariah Carey (“Memoirs Of an Imperfect Angel”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Cobra Starship (“¡Viva la Cobra!”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Arctic Monkeys (“Favourite Worst Nightmare”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Jack Ingram (“Big Dreams & High Hopes”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Taylor Swift (“Fearless”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Carrie Underwood (“Play On”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Tegan & Sara (“Sainthood”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:

• Alan Jackson – Today the ‘Alan Jackson Collection’ goes on sale exclusively at the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store chain, which includes clothing (jewelry, shirts, hats) and collectibles (mugs, candles, signature rocking chair).
• Elton John – The 62-year-old is said to be seriously ill in a London hospital after being diagnosed with an E coli bacterial infection alongside influenza. His schedule has been cleared for the next week.
• Cobra Starship – Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz has lost a bet with frontman Gabe Saporta and now has a large tattoo of the singer’s face on his leg. Wentz agreed to get inked if the Cobra Starship track “Good Girls Go Bad” sold more than a million copies.
• Lady Gaga – A ‘collector’s edition’ of her upcoming album re-release, “The Fame Monster” (out December 15th), will feature an individually numbered art book that includes … a lock of her (fake) hair.
• Michael Jackson – “This Is It” director Kenny Ortega says MJ was planning to make a feature-length bigscreen version of his hit video “Thriller” before he died. (Or likely anyhting else that might generate some much-needed cash.)
• Ozzy Osbourne – Tonight he & his manager-wife Sharon Osbourne guest-host this week’s edition of the wrestling show “WWE Raw” (USA Network).
• Rolling Stones – In her new book, “My Hard Days & Long Nights with The Beatles, The Stones, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, and the Women They Loved”, former ‘personal assistant’  Chris O’Dell claims sleeping with Mick Jagger was part of her job during the 1970s. (Her job was ‘slut’.)
• Snow Patrol – The “Chasing Cars” rockers say they can still walk around unrecognized despite selling millions of records worldwide. (See Hollywood whiners, it is possible to be famous yet anonymous.)
• Spice Girls – According to UK reports, they’re set to regroup for a performance at the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics in London. (By that time, they’ll need a day pass from the seniors home.)

RACING RECLINER:

This week an impounded La-Z-Boy chair is going up for auction on eBay. Not just any recliner, but a specially modified and motorized lounger whose owner pleaded guilty to ‘driving’ while drunk last year. The chair was impounded by local police after he smashed into a parked car as he left a bar in Proctor, Minnesota. The souped-up chaise has a dragster steering wheel, headlights, stereo sound system, nitrous oxide booster, parachute, and a ‘Hell Yeah It’s Fast’ bumper sticker. It’s said to be capable of speeds up to 20 mph (32 km/h).
NET: http://tinyurl.com/ygpv2j6
– “Proctor Journal”

SERVING SIZE:
Many diets suggest a number of ‘servings’ of various food groups per day. But just how big is a ‘serving’? According to dieticians quoted in a research study …
• A ‘half-cup serving’ of ice cream is about the size of a tennis ball.
• A serving of nuts should fit comfortably in the cupped palm of your hand.
• A ‘medium baked potato’ is about the size of a computer mouse.
• Bend your thumb and measure from the bend to the tip to get an idea of what a teaspoon of peanut butter looks like.
– “Globe & Mail”

IMMORTAL INK:

This Wednesday a 39-year-old grieving British father is set to have a portrait of his dead son tattooed on his chest using … the child’s ashes. Mark Richmond & his wife Lisa decided they wanted to do something as a lasting tribute to their son, Ayden, who died of a rare condition at age 2-and-a-half. The couple, who own a tattoo parlour in Greater Manchester, plan to mix some of Ayden’s ashes in the ink for a 7-inch black & white portrait of him. While the idea may have previously been untried, Richmond notes that ashes contain carbon, which is what tattoo ink is usually made from. (Is this sentimental or just creepy?)
– BBC News

TOO MUCH SLEEP MAKES YOU TIRED?

Daylight Saving Time ended Sunday, giving us a potential bonus hour of sleep. But instead of feeling better, sometimes we feel worse after long hours asleep. That’s because we often sleep more to make up for poor quality, light sleep. Grogginess after waking is known as ‘sleep drunkenness’. Sleep experts warn that habitually sleeping more than 10 hours, which is known as ‘hypersomnia’, can be indicative of other medical problems such as sleep apnea, narcolepsy, or Restless Legs Syndrome. (Here on the morning crew, we all suffer from ‘micro-somnia’.)
– CNN.com

THE BEAR FACTS:

Minnesota wildlife biologist Lynn Rogers (subject of the documentary “Bearwalker Of the Northwoods”) has logged thousands of hours studying North America’s black bears. Among his more recent discoveries: Bears don’t like honey, and aren’t all that keen on berries and nuts. They’d rather dig into a yummy rich stash of ant larvae. (Let’s see you try to work that into your next saccharine ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’ cartoon, Disney.)
– Guardian.co.uk

FOR THE RECORD:

• A UK dog has been recognized as ‘Oldest Living Dog’ by “Guinness World Records”. The Dachshund-terrier cross named ‘Otto’ from Reabrook, England is 20 years, 8-months-old. Owners Lynn & Peter Jones say he still enjoys playing ball with children despite his age. He’s a bit deaf, but apart from that and a touch of arthritis the geriatric pooch remains fit and healthy.
– “Magazine Monitor”
• Oasis Of the Seas, ‘World’s Largest Cruise Ship’, cleared a crucial obstacle Sunday as it lowered its stacks to squeeze under a bridge in Denmark with a slim 2-foot clearance during its maiden voyage from Finland to Florida. The $1.5-billion ship, which rises about 20 stories, features 7 ‘neighborhoods’, 4 swimming pools, theme parks, basketball courts, an ice rink, a golf course, and a 750-seat amphitheater. At nearly 40% larger than the next-biggest cruise ship, it can accommodate 6,300 passengers. It will be operated by Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines from its home port of Port Everglades, Florida. Get updates from the monster ship’s captain here …
NET: http://www.oasisoftheseas.com
– AP

DID YOU KNOW?
• About 3 million cellphones are sold every day.
• Since 2008, videogames have outsold movie DVDs.
• People view 15 billion videos online every month.
• About 1.6 billion people connect to the Internet, but only 450 million of them speak English.
– DidYouKnow.org

BS CHRONOMETER 11.02.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [52] Carter Beauford, Charlottesville VA, rock drummer (Dave Matthews Band-“American Baby”, “Where Are You Going”)

1961 [48] kd (Katherine Dawn) lang, Consort AB, pop singer (“Constant Craving”, “Crying”)

1966 [43] David Schwimmer, Astoria NY, movie actor (“Madagascar”)/ex-TV actor (“Friends” 1994-2004)

1969 [40] Reginald ‘Fieldy’ Arvizu, Bakersfield CA, rock bassist (Korn-“Hold On”, Did My Time”)

1969 [40] Cookie Monster, Sesame Street NY, cookie fanatic/fuzzy TV personality who styles his hair with a blue-rinse/movie actor (“The Muppets Take Manhattan”)

1974 [35] Nelly (Cornell Haynes Jr), Austin TX, rapper (“Grillz”, w/Janet Jackson-“Call On Me”)

1975 [34] Chris Walla, Bothell WA, rock guitarist (Death Cab For Cutie-“I Will Possess Your Heart”, “Soul Meets Body”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .

• “All Souls’ Day”, the excuse for an annual tradition in Santiago, Guatemala – the “Kite Festival”, when natives send massive, extremely colorful kites up to the heavens in an effort to communicate with the dead. Hello, anybody home?

• “Deviled Egg Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Watch Dad Evacuate an Entire Convenience Store in 10 Seconds Day’.)

• “Full ‘Hunters’ Moon”, so-named because it allowed hunters of old to stalk the woods after dark. It’s also been called the ‘Beaver Moon’ as well as the ‘Frosty Moon’.

• “Plan Your Epitaph Day”, dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death.
ACTUAL EPITAPHS FROM GRAVESTONES:
• “I told you I was sick!”
• “Harry Smith looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.”
• “I made an ash of myself.”
• “Here lies an atheist. All dressed up and no place to go.”
• “Here lies Sir John Strange, an honest lawyer. And that IS strange.”
• “Here lies the father of 29, he would have had more but he didn’t have time “

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1936 [73] ‘Canadian Broadcasting Act’ creates the CBC

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .

2004 [05] Shania Twain attends “Shania Twain Day” in Timmins ON as the ribbon is cut on the new ‘Shania Twain Centre’, a museum of her life and career

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1878 [131] World record 55-foot-long giant squid is captured off Newfoundland (calamaries for everyone on the bay, b’y!)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Cliché Day
[Tues] Sandwich Day
[Wed] Take Our Kids to Work Day
[Wed] Use Your Common Sense Day
[Thurs] 2009 MTV Europe Music Awards
[Thurs] Men Make Dinner Day
[Thurs] Billboard Touring Awards (NYC)

THIS WEEK IS . . .

Animal Shelter Appreciation Week / Intimate Apparel Week / National Truck Driver Appreciation Week / Patient Accessibility Week / World Communication Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS WOMEN’S GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY:
• Do not say what you mean. Ever.
• Cry. Cry often. Tell him it’s his fault.
• Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago.
• Discuss your period in front of him. Watch him squirm.
• Be late for everything. Yell if he’s late.
• Make him guess what you want and then get mad when he’s wrong.
• Plan little relationship anniversaries, like the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for 5 minutes.
• Constantly claim you’re fat. Ask him. Then cry, regardless of his answer.
• Whenever there is silence ask him, “What are you thinking?”
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS RANDOM JOKES:
November is “International Drum Month”. So to honor drummers everywhere …
• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? [Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.]
• How can you tell when the stage riser is level? [The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.]
• What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend? [Homeless.]
• What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? [“Hey, let’s try one of my songs.”]
• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? [A drummer.]

BS PHONE STARTER:

Are intelligence, looks, or humor most important in a date? And in a mate?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:

Today’s Question: Over the next 20 years, the average person will change THIS about 5 times.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their job.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.


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