Tuesday, November 3, 2009        Edition: #4135
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!


56-year-old former WWE star Hulk Hogan is going to wrestle again, signing a deal to collaborate with Total Nonstop Action (TNA) and saying he ‘can’t wait to get back into action’ (BS translation: I’ve used up every cheesy reality show idea I can think of to make a buck) . . . There have been absolutely no bids during the 2nd auction of the marble mausoleum crypt above screen legend Marilyn Monroe in a Hollywood cemetery, so the widow of the man currently interred there is now ‘weighing her options’ (a trapdoor?) . . . The new off-Broadway play “The Starry Messenger” will now open November 23rd instead of November 16th because actor Matthew Broderick has yet to learn his lines, calling out nearly a dozen times to a front row prompter for ‘line!’ during last week’s preview (what a pro) . . . As predicted, Sony Pictures has decided to extend the 2-week ‘limited run’ of the Michael Jackson doc “This Is It” to at least the end of November (as long as they’re selling duckets, they’ll continue screening) . . . And the family of late reggae legend Bob Marley has hired a marketing firm to help protect the ‘Marley’ trademark and expand it to new products that may include headphones, musical instruments, restaurants, and (huh?) snowboards (well, there was a Jamaican bobsled team once).

• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – On this week’s results show Rod Stewart performs “It’s The Same Old Song”; Colbie Caillat performs “Fallin’ For You”; 2 more couples are eliminated.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Brad Paisley (“American Saturday Night”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Reba McEntire (“Keep On Loving You”); and tonight she does “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel).
• “NCIS: The Official TV Soundtrack – Vol 2″ – The popular TV drama’s 2nd soundtrack album is out, featuring previously unreleased tracks by Bob Dylan, John Mellencamp, Joss Stone, Norah Jones, and Sheryl Crow.
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – Martina McBride (Shine”).
• “90210” (CW) – Lindsay Lohan’s DJ girlfriend Samantha Ronson does a cameo in tonight’s episode, playing – what else? – a DJ in a club, where hip-hop star Pharrell & NERD perform.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Creed (“Full Circle”).


• Carrie Underwood – Today she releases her 3rd studio album, “Play On”. Her 2 previous albums, “Some Hearts” and “Carnival Ride”, have sold a combined 10 million copies.
• Foo Fighters – They’re commemorating the group’s 15th anniversary with the release of “Foo Fighters Greatest Hits” today. The collection includes 2 new songs . (How can they be ‘hits’?)
• Lady Gaga – She says she’d prefer to look ‘interesting’ rather than pretty. (You’ve succeeded, dear.)
• Madonna –Her plan to hire Bikram Yoga inventor Bikram Choudhury for private lessons has been foiled as the Indian multi-millionaire has turned her down, saying she’d have to come to classes like everyone else. (Everyone else includes the likes of George Clooney, Jessica Simpson, and Jim Carrey.)
• Nirvana – Their classic debut album “Bleach” is being re-issued today in a remastered ‘Deluxe 20th Anniversary Edition’. The package includes a live concert CD and a 48-page booklet.
• Rolling Stones – The “Get Yer Ya-Ya’s Out! The Rolling Stones In Concert 40th Anniversary Deluxe Box Set” is released today. (The “Super Deluxe Box Set” is out November 17th.)
• Tracy Lawrence – The “Somebody Who Would Die for You” singer is finally back in action after suffering both H1N1 swine flu and pneumonia for 5 or 6 weeks.


• “Aliens In the Attic” ( Fantasy Adventure ): A bunch of kids have to save their vacation home from an invasion of aliens. Cast includes Ashley Tisdale (“High School Musical”), Doris Roberts (“Everybody Loves Raymond”), and Andy Richter (“Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien”). Shot entirely in New Zealand. Originally titled “They Came From Upstairs”.
• “GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra” ( Action Adventure ): An elite military unit comprised of operatives known as the ‘Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity’ look to dismantle ‘Cobra’, an organization headed by a Scottish arms dealer. Cast includes Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller.
• “I Love You, Beth Cooper ( Comedy ): A nerdy valedictorian proclaims his love for the hottest and most popular girl in school during his graduation speech. Much to his surprise, ‘Beth’ shows up at his door that very evening and decides to show him the best night of his life. Stars Hayden Panettiere and Paul Rust.
• “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3” ( Crime Thriller ): Denzel Washington plays a public transit dispatcher who goes up against the mastermind of a subway hijacking (John Travolta) who’s holding passengers hostage. A remake of a 1998 TV movie that, in turn, was a remake of a 1974 feature film. Shot entirely in NYC.
• Also released today: “Columbia Pictures Film Noir Classics”; “Dora the Explorer: Dora’s Christmas Carol Adventure” (animation); “Food, Inc” (documentary); “Mummies: Secrets Of the Pharaohs” (documentary); “North by Northwest – 50th Anniversary Edition”; “The Shield: The Complete Series” (TV); “Six Feet Under: The Complete Series” (TV); and “Will Ferrell: You’re Welcome America – A Final Night with George W Bush” (comedy).


Some examples of bad legislation from “The Worst-Case Scenario Almanac: Politics” by David Borgenicht & Turk Regan …
• China (enacted in 2007): Dead Buddhist monks must get permission from the government before being reincarnated.
• West Bengal, India (2006): Cows are required to carry photo ID cards.
• Singapore (2003): It is illegal to chew gum without a doctor’s prescription.
• England (1872): Herding cows while intoxicated is punishable by up to 51 weeks in prison.
– “Globe & Mail”

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 89% of men say curvy women are more appealing than thin ones.
• 64% of us wrote a cheque 20 times or less in the past year.
• 60% of female teachers average less than 6 hours sleep & admit to being drowsy on the job.
• 59% of cat owners & 36% of dog owners share their bed with their pet.
• 36% of us have slept overnight in a car.
• 10% of us have a phobia about balloons.

Fitness fanatics at a spa in Starkenberg, Austria are being given the chance to take the plunge in a pool filled with … beer. 42,000 pints of lager to be precise. It’s being touted as a balm for skin conditions, an aid to blood circulation, and can even purportedly help cure wounds. The spa has seven 4-meter (13-ft) pools filled with beer which clients can ask to have either chilled or heated. And there’s no need to drink the bathwater – cold beer is kept on tap next to the pools. (Are you gonna jump in a pool used by people with skin conditions and/or wounds?)
– Ananova.com

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ . . .
• Scientists say . . . When it comes to the arrangement of the genes on our chromosomes, we’re closer to cats than any other animal group studied so far, except for primates. (No wonder I like to lick my hands!)
• Scientists say . . . It’s a bad idea to give ice cream to a woman going through PMS. (But it’s a worse idea to try taking it away from her!)
• Scientists say . . . People who smoke cannabis seem to recover any short-term loss of brain function. (However, they never recover the millions they’ve spent on munchies.)
• Scientists say . . . Birds actually fly better after they’ve fattened up. (At least that’s what they’re telling the turkeys this year.)

• New Delhi, India – A man who’s been unlucky at love is suing Axe after failing to land a single girlfriend during 7 years of using their products. The 26-year-old is seeking more than $40,000
from parent company Unilever for ‘depression & psychological damage’ caused by the lack of any ‘Axe effect’. Court officials have agreed to order forensic lab tests on dozens of his half-used Axe body washes, shampoos, antiperspirants, and hair gels. Like elsewhere, Axe is marketed in India with ads showing barely clothed women throwing themselves at men. (Next he’ll be suing the national lottery for showing winners in ads.)
– Reuters
• Lublin, Poland – Baffled bank staff refused to fork out cash when a would-be bank robber threatened them … with a spoon. Employees say the crook burst in, brandishing the cutlery while shouting: “This is a stick up.” Staff and customers threw themselves on the floor until they realized the ‘gun’ was simply a stainless steel spoon. The would-be robber fled empty-handed with the laughter of his ‘victims’ ringing in his ears. (“Quit laughing or I’ll get my ladle out of the car!”)
– ThatsWeirdNews.com
• Carroll, Iowa – A pair of burglary suspects who drew ‘masks’ on their faces with a marker pen have been arrested after their attempted apartment break-in was spotted by a witness who called the cops. Even though the pair managed to escape in a vehicle, authorities easily identified them when they were later pulled over because … they’d used a permanent marker. (At least they have a head start on prison tattoos.)
– “Daily Times Herald”


• You blink every 2-to-10 seconds, so you have your eyes shut about 30 minutes every waking day. (More if you’re a civil servant.)
• In NYC, people bite other people more often than rats bite people. (And rats don’t insult you first.)
• Most of what we see of each other – hair and skin – is dead (and in [co-host’s] case, everything else).
• The average person walks 65,000 miles in a lifetime. (Most of it to the refrigerator.)


1953 [56] Dennis Miller, Pittsburgh PA, TV personality (“Dennis Miller” 2004-05, “NFL Monday Night Football” 2000-02; “Saturday Night Live” 1985-91)/syndicated radio host (“The Dennis Miller Show”)/occasional movie actor (“What Happens in Vegas”, “Joe Dirt”)

1955 [54] Phil Simms, Lebanon KY, NFL analyst (CBS-TV)/former NFL quarterback (2 Super Bowls with NY Giants 1979-93)

1979 [30] Tim McIlrath, Indianapolis IN, rock vocalist/guitarist (Rise Against-“Re-Education [Through Labor]”, “The Good Left Undone”)


• “Cliché Day”. It’s amazing how they infiltrate our daily conversations. Try to make it through an entire show without anyone uttering a cliché. Hit the buzzer every time one pops up!

• “Gambling Addiction Awareness Day”. Hey, bet you didn’t know that!

• “Sandwich Day”, celebrating the 1718 birth of John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A compulsive gambler, he wanted something that could be eaten at gaming tables and earned immortality when he began eating beef between slices of toast in 1792. Nowadays, we eat an average of 193 sandwiches apiece annually. What’s the oddest sandwich you’ve ever concocted? Here are a few posted on an online forum about the topic …
– Grilled cheese with anchovies.
– Chocolate spread & pickled onion.
– Fritos & baloney.
– Peanut butter & sardine.
– White bread with vanilla ice cream.


2006 [03] “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” opens in movie theaters, starring British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen


1990 [19] “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice hits #1, the first rap tune to top pop charts

1817 [192] Canada’s 1st bank opens (Bank of Montréal)

1930 [79] 1st ‘International Vehicle Tunnel’ in the world opens (Detroit MI-Windsor ON)

1995 [14] 1st regular season game for NBA’s Toronto Raptors (a win over NJ Nets)

1996 [13] Youngest-ever NBA player, LA Laker Kobe Bryant, takes the floor at the tender age of 18 years, 2 months, and 11 days

2004 [05] “Jeopardy!” contestant Ken Jennings shatters the record for TV game show earnings, amassing $45,099 to bring his total take to $2,197,000


[Wed] Use Your Common Sense Day
[Wed] New York Comedy Festival begins
[Thurs] 2009 MTV Europe Music Awards
[Thurs] Men Make Dinner Day
[Thurs] International Day for Preventing the Exploitation Of the Environment in War & Armed Conflict
[Thurs] Billboard Touring Awards (NYC)
This Week Is … Animal Shelter Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Aviation History Month


Like Costco before it, Walmart has now begun selling low-cost caskets online and at select locations. These models aren’t among them …
• ‘The Slim Reaper’
• ‘The Dirt-Master’
• ‘The 19th Hole’
• ‘The Comfort King Velvetliner’
• ‘Cap’n Crypt’
• ‘La-Z-Boy Etern-a-lounger’
The real ones are pretty funny too …
NET: http://tinyurl.com/yklevfu


Which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?


• According to color consultants, what’s the worst color to paint your baby’s nursery?
a. Pink.
b. Yellow. [CORRECT. It supposedly makes babies cry more.]
c. Black.

• What’s are ‘zarfs’?
a. Plastic holders for coffee cups without handles. [CORRECT]
b. Tiny meteorites under 6 inches in diameter.
c. The male version of ‘zirfs’.

• What’s the proper term for a baby pigeon?
a. A chick.
b. A pidge.
c. A squeaker. [CORRECT]


I’m multitasking this morning … screwing up several things at once.


Today’s Question: More than any other disease, characters on soap operas have most often been afflicted with THIS malady.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Amnesia.


Unwritten laws can not be erased.

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