November 29, 2007

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Thursday, November 29, 2007        Edition: #3666
Can You Believe This Sheet?

New Nielsen figures indicate that the total number of viewers recorded by each of the major US networks at their websites for the past month was about the same as what a single network program averages on any given night (but just wait till a year from now) . . . Lindsay Lohan is in talks with Universal Music about resurrecting her music career by recording a 3rd album (uh, what music career?) . . . A reported rift caused by actress Courtney Cox not visiting her BFF Jennifer Aniston on the Oregon set of the upcoming movie “Management” has apparently been reconciled by Cox’s husband David Arquette with help from – Jen’s ex-, Brad Pitt (word is he can’t stand to think of her lonely) . . . Though their relationship allegedly ended amicably, Jennifer Aniston reportedly wants actor and former bf Vince Vaughn to hand over the house keys, apparently deciding to end the open-door policy . . . 39-year-old actor Owen Wilson is said to be seeing 23-year-old “Bionic Woman” actress Michelle Ryan regularly, recently spotted dining out in a restaurant and bodyboarding at the beach (aw shucks, there’s still hope for you, buddy) . . . Here’s an interesting spin – Hulk Hogan & his wife Linda are faking their much publicized divorce in order to protect their assets from a huge payout to the traveling companion critically injured in their son Nick’s car accident (the thinking is a payout would be limited to Hulk as the registered owner of the car, while Linda’s half of the fortune would be protected) . . . And 35-year-old sometime actress Carmen Electra has come up with another revenue scheme, planning to market a line of stripper poles for home use – for fitness purposes, of course.

• Alicia Keys – With “As I Am” at #1, she’s become the 2nd female artist ever to have her first 4 albums top the “Billboard” chart. The first to do it: Britney Spears.
• Amy Winehouse – She’s now canceled all appearances for the rest of the year on orders from her doctor. Seems she just can’t cope with husband Blake Fielder-Civil is in jail through the holiday season at least.
• Elton John – His partner David Furnish has pledged to support to a new bill aiming to make homophobic jokes illegal in the UK. The new legislation would provide a maximum penalty of 7 years in the slammer for anyone found guilty of promoting hatred against the gay community.
• Keyshia Cole – The R&B singer bares all for the cover of the new edition of “Vibe” magazine, to hype her new “Just Like You” CD.
• Spice Girls – They say they’ll never make a sequel to their critically-mauled 1997 movie “Spiceworld” because they wouldn’t be able to ‘top’ the first film. Uh, can we get that in writing?
• Taylor Swift – The rising country star is profiled in “Seventeen” magazine’s DECEMBER-JANUARY double issue.
• Usher – Reports say his new baby with Tameka Foster is a boy who’ll likely be named Usher Raymond V.
• Vanessa Carlton – She’s being accompanied on her current tour by her best friend … her dachshund, Victor. His picture is on her new CD, “Heroes and Thieves”.

• Anita Baker/James Ingram – They’re on a rerun of the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Ernest Hemingway – A signed proof copy of his 1940 novel “For Whom the Bell Tolls”, complete with his handwritten corrections, goes up for bid at a Swann Galleries auction in NYC. It’s expected to go for upwards of $125,000.
• Gloria Estefan – The Miami-based Latin/AC singer is on “The View” (ABC).
• Jordin Sparks – The latest “American Idol” does the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Sean Kingston – The “Beautiful Girls” hitmaker is on “Live With Regis & Kelly (syndicated/CTV).

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Planet 51” – This CGI animation movie, penned by “Shrek”/“Shrek 2” screenwriter Joe Stillman, is about a US astronaut who touches down on a planet inhabited by a civilization that lives a 1950s lifestyle. The Spanish/British production is hoping to attract A-list Hollywood talent as voices. A companion video game is already in the planning.
• “Revolver” – Madonna is attempting to turn husband Guy Ritchie’s latest movie from a flop into a hit by hosting a star-studded American launch party. Despite a cast that includes Jason Statham, Ray Liotta and Vincent Pastore, the crime thriller failed to cause much of a stir in the UK when it was released in 2005. After criticism it was too difficult to follow, Ritchie has re-edited the film and it will screen SUNDAY at a VIP preview in NYC, hosted by the Mrs.
• “Shanghai” – John Cusack is being wooed to star in this period drama about an American who returns to corrupt, Japanese-occupied Shanghai 4 months before Pearl Harbor and discovers his friend has been killed. Chinese actress Gong Li is set to co-star when shooting begins in China NEXT YEAR.

Australian Dave Downey has emerged from the chimney as the #1 jolly old elf at the 5th annual “International Santa Games” in Gallivare, Sweden. He’s been awarded a gold medal and a hand-crafted Santa sculpture. It was the 3rd try for Downey in the Santa Claus pentathlon, which consists of chimney climbing, reindeer racing, kick sled, porridge eating, and ‘Santa’s Christmas Eve’, presumably a run-through of the actual toy drop-off. (What other events should be included? Eye twinkling? Belly shaking? Ho-ho-ho-ing?)

Who knew that the comb-over has actually been patented? Indeed, way back in 1975 Frank & Donald Smith of Orlando FL filed a patent for, quote: ‘a method for styling hair to cover bald areas using only the individual’s own hair, comprising separating the hair on the head into several substantially equal sections, taking the hair on one section and placing it over the bald area, then taking the hair on another section and placing it over the first section, and finally taking the hair on the remaining sections and placing it over the other sections whereby the bald area will be completely covered’. (Apparently there’s a lot of guys having a bad-hair life who owe money to the Smiths.)
– “Curious Times”

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … women sleep less soundly when they share a bed with a romantic partner, according to a study published in the journal “Sleep & Biological Rhythms”. Men, on the other hand, actually sleep better when they’re next to someone. (Especially 18 seconds after making love.)
• Scientists say … most of the cells in our bodies are not our own. Scientists at London’s Imperial College have found that more than 500 different species of bacteria exist in our bodies, making up more than 100 trillion cells. Because our bodies are only made of some several trillion cells, we are outnumbered by … the aliens. (Agh! What’s that head popping out of your stomach?)
• Scientists say … toads are actually frogs. In fact, in some languages just one word is used for both, such as ‘boto’ in the Fiji Islands and ‘padda’ in Afrikaans. (In some languages there’s only one word for men and pigs.)

There are slightly more than 45,820 malls and shopping centers in Canada. Here are the largest malls, ranked by total retail floor space …
5. Square One, Mississauga ON
4. Eaton Centre, Toronto ON
3. Place Laurier, Québec City QC
2. Metrotown, Burnaby BC
1. West Edmonton Mall, Edmonton AB
– Wikipedia

‘President Marshall’, the Harrison Ford role in the film “Air Force One”, has been selected the greatest movie president of all-time. ‘Marshall’ defeated such chief executives as ‘Thomas Whitmore’ (“Independence Day”), ‘Mays Gilliam’ (“Head of State”), and ‘Dave Kovic’ (“Dave”). In fact, the final battle was between ‘Marshall’ and ‘Merkin Muffley’, the Adlai Stevenson-inspired president in “Dr Strangelove”. (‘Marshall’ won but ‘Muffley’ has funnier phone calls.)
– “Maxim”

Researchers developing smart fabrics and intelligent textiles are already working with the fashion industry to bring us color-changing jeans, evening wear that emits different scents as the mood alters, undergarments that monitor our vital signs, and clothing with built-in communications networks that could keep us safer. ([Co-host] has those color-changing jeans … actually he just hasn’t washed his Levi’s in 5 years.) 
– “The Futurist“

Looking for the perfect gift for that someone special? How about a 2-night stay in a penthouse suite at NYC’s Buckingham Hotel, replete with holiday decorations, including a Swarovski crystal star atop the tree; a private dinner at Rockefeller Center; and a guided $50,000 shopping spree at the FAO Schwarz toy store. You also get a personalized electronic card flashing on the bigscreen in Times Square. Not enough for ya? Well, the gift actually starts with a trip to NYC aboard a private car on an Amtrak train from wherever the recipient lives. Once at Penn Station, guests are whisked to the accommodations in a Rolls Royce. Bottom line for all this – $150,000. (For an extra 700 bucks, they throw in a tall latte from any Manhattan Starbucks.)
– “Daily News“

• About 31% of consumers plan to primarily use debit cards for purchases this holiday season.
• The average Canadian credit card user takes about 5 months to pay off their balance after the holiday season.
• The average wage for a mall Santa is circa $11-an-hour but for a Santa with a real beard, $20-an-hour.
• 75% of consumers say they are planning to shop at discount stores this holiday season.
– / National Retail Federation

“I’ve loved every moment of pregnancy! Morning sickness, hot sweats, whoopsing, everything.”
— Actress Halle Berry,  who is 6 months pregnant with Canadian model Gabriel Aubry’s baby.


1954 [53] Joel Coen, Minneapolis MN, movie director/screenwriter (“No Country for Old Men”, “Fargo”)/brother of filmmaking partner Ethan Coen/married to actress Frances McDormand since 1984

1955 [52] Howie Mandel, Toronto ON, TV game show host (“Deal or No Deal”)/stand-up comedian/sometime movie & TV actor

1958 [49] Kim Delaney, Philadelphia PA, TV actress (‘Claudia Joy Holden’ on “Army Wives”, “CSI: Miami“ 2002, “NYPD Blue” 1995-2003)

1961 [46] Tom Sizemore, Detroit MI, movie actor (“Black Hawk Down”, “Saving Private Ryan”)/drug rehab vet/convicted of domestic violence against Heidi Fleiss (1993)

1964 [43] Don Cheadle, Kansas City MO, movie actor (“Hotel Rwanda”, “Ocean’s Eleven”)

1972 [35] Brian Baumgartner, Atlanta GA, TV actor (‘Kevin Malone’ on “The Office” since 2005)

1979 [28] The Game (Jayceon Terrell Taylor), LA CA, rapper (“How We Do”, “Hate It or Love It”)

1981 [26] Ringo Garza, San Angelo TX, pop drummer (Los Lonely Boys-“My Way”, “Heaven”)

• “Electronic Greetings Day”, another excuse to junk up other people’s e-mail, text messaging, voicemail, etc with useless chaff you’d never think of writing down on a piece of paper and buying a stamp to send. Great idea though!

• “Square Dance Day”, a chance to get out and ‘dosey-doe’ with your partner. So swing your partner ‘round and ‘round, pick ‘em on up and throw ‘em on the ground. Yee haw!

2001 [06] George Harrison of The Beatles dies  in LA of cancer at age 58

1775 [232] 1st ‘Invisible Ink’ invented by Sir James Jay (but how can we be sure?)

1924 [83] 1st NHL game at the old Montréal Forum (Canadiens 7, Leafs 1)

1934 [73] 1st traditional ‘Thanksgiving Day NFL Game’ in Detroit (and the tradition of losing begins as Chicago Bears beat Lions 19-16)

1975 [32] The name ‘Micro-soft’ (for ‘microcomputer software’) is 1st used in a letter from Bill Gates to Paul Allen

1936 [71] An Iowa father and son marry sisters, making the son his father’s brother-in-law; he also becomes brother-in-law and step-son to his father’s wife; his father’s wife becomes both her sister’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law; his own wife is his step-mother’s sister, sister-in-law, and daughter-in-law

[Fri] International Computer Security Day
[Fri] Stay Home Because You Are Well Day
[Fri] “Awake” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] Day Without Art
[Sat] World AIDS Day
[Sat] World Aids Day Concert (Johannesburg)
This Week Is … Travelers with Disabilities Week
This Month Is … Stamp Collecting Month


• Boss buys a new boat; names it “Employee Bonuses ’07”.
• You walk into boss’ office with your hand out and yell, “Grease time!”
• Boss sticks her head in your office door and asks, “You like Doritos, don’t you?”
• Just as the bonuses are handed out, you’re shoved into a closet and left there well into the New Year.
• Your boss catches you licking a photo of her husband.

Did you know there’s a ‘Do Not Contact’ list in Canada to block telemarketers from dialing your number? Get on the list by visiting the Canadian Marketing Association online. Although not all telemarketers are CMA members, those who aren’t are required to keep their own list which you can request to be placed on next time you get an annoying telemarketing call. For the CMA list, enter ‘Do Not Contact Service’ in the search box …

You run down the list while your guest or phone caller decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Be able be able to bring about a lasting world peace OR eliminate all hunger and disease?
• Have a Texas accent and live in NYC OR have a NYC accent and live in Texas?
• Have 5 bottles stuck on the fingers of one hand for a year OR a bucket stuck on your foot for a year?
• Always have to wear wet socks OR always have to wear wet underwear?
• Have to run 5 miles as fast as you can on a trail covered with a 1-inch layer of maple syrup
OR on a trail covered with popcorn up to your knees?
• Spend the rest of your life in a submarine OR in a spaceship?
• Choose to see your future (without being able to change it) OR know everyone else’s future and not be able to tell them?
• Suck clean an unknown person’s set of dentures OR eat peanuts that have been blown out of an elephant’s trunk?
• Be on vacation with your 60-year-old parents and have your mom insist on wearing a thong bikini OR have your dad insist on wearing a tiny Speedo?
• Develop the worst case of acne ever recorded OR have your spouse suffer with it?

If you had the power, which 5 minutes in history would you change?

You’ll never be the man your mother was.

Today’s Question: The average woman spends a total of 6 days of her life doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shaving her legs.

That old saying is true: Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

“BS” Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition!

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