Wednesday, November 22, 2006        Edition: #3414
Thanks a Sheetload for Choosing “BS”!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Microsoft opens its ‘Xbox Live Marketplace’ online, directly challenging Apple’s iTunes Music Store by offering movies & TV shows that can be played on any TV screen using an Xbox 360 video game console (TV shows can be permanently retained, but movies are only available to ‘rent’) . . . TODAY a Bonhams auction of music memorabilia in London UK includes the hat John Lennon wore for the last Beatles photoshoot, Phil Collins’ handwritten lyrics for the Genesis song “That’s All”, an autographed Christmas card sent by Elvis Presley in 1965, and a Who set list written on the underside of a drum skin for Keith Moon’s benefit . . . TONIGHT the 18th season of “The Real World” debuts (MTV), this time situated in Denver where, according to “Entertainment Weekly”, ‘at higher altitudes they get drunk and slutty even faster’ . . . A News Corp spokesman has confirmed that before the planned OJ Simpson pseudo-confessional FOX-TV special “If I Did It” (scheduled for NOVEMBER 27 & 29) and ensuing book (NOVEMBER 30) were cancelled THIS WEEK, the Brown & Goldman families were offered all the profits if they agreed not to protest (OJ’s former sister-in-law Denise Brown calls the attempted payoff ‘hush money’) . . . Meantime, News Corp’s Fox News Channel is considering a conservative-leaning satirical news program to air SATURDAY nights as a sort of weekly half-hour antidote to the “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” that would target ‘the sacred cows of the left’ (it’ll never work – ultra-conservatives have no sense of humor) . . . 20-year-old movie actress Lindsay Lohan’s weekend car accident in London was her 4th at the wheel of a vehicle in 18 months (isn’t it time to take her license away?) . . . “Lord of the Rings” director Peter Jackson has announced he will no longer be at the helm of “The Hobbit”, a planned bigscreen version of JRR Tolkien’s prequel to the trilogy, due to an ongoing financial dispute with New Line Cinema (they just couldn’t afford his demands – ‘the world’) . . . And might this be the tackiest reality TV show idea yet? Lifetime is planning to air a dating show called “Gay, Straight or Taken?” in which a single woman is introduced to 3 men (1 gay,  1 single, 1 in a relationship); if she selects the available guy, she wins an exotic trip for 2 (if she fails, the 3 guys go?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Billy Talent – TONIGHT the boys from Mississauga ON are on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Carrie Underwood – TOMORROW she performs during the halftime show at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers/Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving Day football game in Irving TX (FOX).
• Chris Daughtry – TODAY he flogs his self-titled debut album on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• Green Day – Hoping to break our ‘dangerous dependence on oil’, they’ve teamed up with the Natural Resources Defense Council to urge us to demand clean, renewable energy solutions.
NET: http://greendaynrdc.com/
• Jay-Z – TONIGHT he does “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Madonna – TONIGHT her “Confessions Tour Live” special airs (NBC/MuchMoreMusic), minus any of the controversial stuff.
• Nelly Furtado – TONIGHT she performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel)

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Deck the Halls” ( PG Family Comedy ): Matthew Broderick stars as a friendly neighborhood dad who goes berserk after the new guy on the block (Danny DeVito) decorates his family’s house so outrageously for the holiday season that it can be seen from space. Co-stars Kristin Davis (“Sex & the City”) and Kristin Chenoweth (“The West Wing”). Shot in greater Vancouver. Theme & trailer here …
NET: http://www.deckthehallsmovie.com/
• “Deja Vu” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Thriller ): Denzel Washington stars as an ATF agent who travels back in time to save a woman from being murdered in an explosion aboard a New Orleans ferry. Surprise! He falls in love with her during the process. Co-stars Paula Patton, Val Kilmer, and James Caviezel. Production in New Orleans was delayed by Hurricane Katrina. Clips & trailer here …
NET: http://dejavu.movies.go.com/
• “The Fountain” ( PG-13 Romantic Drama ): Hugh Jackman portrays a 16th-century conquistador who discovers the ‘Tree of Life’ and spends the next 1,000 years searching for a way to save his love (Rachel Weisz). Along the way he develops an understanding of the mysteries that have plagued him for centuries. Partially shot in Montréal. Theme music & clips …
NET: http://thefountainmovie.warnerbros.com/
• “Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny” ( R-Rated Musical Comedy ): Jack Black & Kyle Gass star as a naive Midwesterner & a California slacker who form the rock band ‘Tenacious D’, then scheme to steal a magical guitar pick housed in a rock & roll museum. One indication of the level of humor: Led Zeppelin granted permission for use of their song title “Stairway to Heaven”, but after they saw the scene … they retracted it. Cameos by Tim Robbins, David Grohl (Foo Fighters), Ben Stiller, and Meat Loaf. Annoying silliness and music clips here …
NET: http://tenaciousdmovie.com/

CANINES & CLASSICS:
According to researchers at Queen’s University in Belfast, dogs are quieter and better behaved when listening to classical music than any other kind. But it seems variety is crucial. If classical music is played all day, they begin to ignore it and its pacifying qualities wear off. (Start ‘em off with some headbanging’ Metallica, then try Mozart.)
– PA News

PENGUIN PARDNERS:
New University of Wales research has discovered that penguins work in teams to herd fish in the same way that sheepdogs round up woolies. Tracking devices attached to penguins reveal that they swim in ever-decreasing circles to herd schools of fish into tight balls. The penguins then target any fish that stray and snatch a meal. Sensors also reveal that penguins are among the world’s most gluttonous creatures, stuffing themselves so full that a grown human would have to consume about 600 quarter-pounders in 8 hours to match them. (They may have “Happy Feet” … but the little porkers can’t see them.)
– “Times of London”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 62% of kids say the most embarrassing thing their dad has ever done is walk around in his underwear in front of their friends.
• 45% of men admit to wearing women’s jeans at one time or another.
• 40% of people in a romantic relationship end their phone calls with ‘I love you’.
• 35% of young adults the key attraction in their search for love is the opposite person’s hair.
• 26% of people say that if they could change 1 thing about themselves it would be their name.
• 25% of people say they don’t have a close friend to confide in.
• 14% of people report having a piercing somewhere other than their ears.
• 4% of parents keep their child’s bedroom exactly the same when the kid moves out.

GREY POWER:
Gregg Lewandowski, a colorist for Clairol Professional, says grey hair needs special care. Among his recommendations …
• Condition, condition, condition. Grey hair tends to be dry, so this is key.
• Shampoo with a purple-hued shampoo specifically designed to keep grey hair looking bright and radiant.
• Always rinse your hair immediately after getting out of a pool. It prevents grey hair from turning a greenish shade.
• Wear a hat. The sun dries out grey hair very easily.
– “Milwaukee Journal Sentinel”

ANOTHER EXCUSE FOR TIME OFF:
In her book “Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight”, psychologist Dr Sharon Heller claims up to 15% of us suffer from ‘sensory defensiveness’, a syndrome which causes sufferers to panic when exposed to flashing lights, traffic noise and crowded areas – like a mall during holiday shopping season, for instance. Heller claims many sensory sufferers are unaware of their condition and try to deal with it by drinking, overeating or disassociation. Her advice? Don’t always follow the flow, ie: shop at odd hours when others aren’t. (But be careful not to trip the burglar alarms.)
– UPI

HOW TO SURVIVE A PLANE CRASH:
A few tips from the BBC special, “The Survivor’s Guide to Plane Crashes” …
• Sit within 7 rows of an exit and hope a plane crash does not disable it.
• Study the safety card so you can brace yourself properly. It could save your life.
• Don’t take a sleeping pill or drink too much. You may have only 90 seconds to get out.
• Don’t try to find all your friends or family. Leave the plane with those nearest to you.
• Practice undoing your seat belt.
– “The Independent”

BS AMAZING FACT:
Bees travel as far as 55,000 miles, the equivalent of flying about 15 times across Canada, and visit more than 2 million flowers in order to gather enough nectar to make just 1 pound of honey. (No wonder the stuff costs an arm and a leg!)

AND WE QUOTE:
“I’m sensing a real, clear-eyed desire to record again … I’m extremely excited by the material we have.”
– Music mogul Clive Davis saying he has high expectations for Whitney Houston’s comeback.

THE BULL SHEET 11.22.06

1940 [66] Terry Gilliam, Minneapolis MN, movie director (“The Brothers Grimm”)/screenwriter (“Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”)/former TV animator (“Monty Python’s Flying Circus”)

1950 [56] ‘Little Steven’ Van Zandt, Winthrop MA, TV actor (‘Silvio Dante’ on “The Sopranos” since 1999)/rock guitarist (Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band)

1958 [48] Jamie Lee Curtis, LA CA, movie actress (“Freaky Friday”, “True Lies”)/daughter of actors Janet Leigh & Tony Curtis

1984 [22] Scarlett Johannson, NYC, movie star (“The Prestige”, “Lost in Translation”)/”Esquire” magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive 2006”

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “St Cecilia’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of music.

• “Start Your Own Country Day”, a good excuse to ask listeners what 3 things would be different if they ran their own nation. How about no taxes, no taxes, and no taxes?

• “Stop The Violence Day”, observed annually on the anniversary of the assassination of US President John F Kennedy (1963).

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1996 [10] “Star Trek: First Contact”, reuniting the cast members of the TV series “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, opens in movie theaters

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1934 [72] 1st performance of the holiday classic “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” (Eddie Cantor’s radio show)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917 [89] ‘National Hockey League’ 1st organized by Board of Governors meeting at Montréal’s Windsor Hotel (Montréal Canadiens, Montréal Wanderers, Toronto Arenas, and Ottawa Senators begin play December 19, 1917, then Wanderers drop out after Westmount Arena burns down)

1981 [25] 1st team to win 4 consecutive Grey Cups (Edmonton Eskimos, who go on to win a 5th in 1982)

1999 [07] ‘The Great One’, Wayne Gretzky, is inducted into the “Hockey Hall of Fame” as the 10th and last player to have the 3-year waiting period waived by the selection committee due to ‘outstanding pre-eminence and skill’ (such as 61 NHL records)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1950 [56] Lowest-ever NBA score (Ft Wayne Pistons 19, Minneapolis Lakers 18)

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] US Thanksgiving Day
[Fri] Buy Nothing Day
[Fri] Sinkie Day
[Sat] Shopping Reminder Day
[Sat] International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women
[Sat] Vanier Cup (Saskatoon)
This Week Is … Adoption Week
This Month Is … Military Family Appreciation Month

BULL’S BITS

ODD BS LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• In the UK, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless in public except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
• In Canada, if you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5 am.
• Since 1313, British MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament.
• It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona.
• A license is required to keep a lunatic in Britain.
• It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license in California.
• Canadian citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
• You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the cathedral close.
• By Canadian law, it is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.
• In Singapore it is illegal to pee in an elevator.

BS WAYS TO DRIVE A MAN CRAZY:
• Invite your mother to come for a visit … unannounced … for a month.
• Replace the fresh batteries in the TV remote with dead ones … each day.
• Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
• Organize his workshop, bedroom, garage or other special place.
• ‘Accidentally’ fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
• Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.

BS TABLOID TEASERS:
2 of the headlines are taken word-for-word from tabloids. Your contestant has to find the fake …
GAME 1 –
• “Labor Activists Protest Outsourcing to Planet with 40-Hour Day, 940-Day Year!”
• “Jealous Cow Kills Farmer’s New Bride!”
• “Your Nose Can Talk!” [FAKE]

GAME 2 –
• “Sex Researcher Discovers the Cheating Gene” [FAKE]
• “Boy Shoots Grandpa Back to Life with Stun Gun!”
• “Tot Vanishes as Psychic Mom Tries to Teleport Her to Japan!”

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Give a wife an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.

I AM THANKFUL FOR …
• The partner who hogs the covers every night, because he/she is not out with someone else.
• The teenager who isn’t doing dishes but is watching TV because that means he/she is at home and not on the street.
• The taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
• The mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
• The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
• The parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
• My huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
• The pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
• Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
• The alarm that goes of in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.
• Too much e-mail because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

TURKEY TRUTH OR BS?
• The turkey traditionally ‘pardoned’ by the US President on the eve of “Thanksgiving” is later raffled off to the White House staff. [BS. The lucky gobbler is given to Kidwell Farm, a petting zoo at Frying Pan Park in Herndon VA. The traditional White House ceremony dates back 60-plus years to Harry Truman.]
• As well as the bald eagle, the turkey was also considered to become a national symbol of America. [TRUTH. Think we’d be eating them if they’d become the national bird?]
• More than 45 million turkeys are cooked and eaten in the US at Thanksgiving. [TRUTH, according to the US Department of Agriculture.]
• A turkey under 16 weeks of age is called a ‘turklet’. [BS. It’s called a ‘fryer’. And a baby turkey is called a ‘poult’.]
• Last year, some 2.7 billion lbs of turkey was processed in the USA. [TRUTH]
• Turkeys are the only breed of poultry native to the Western Hemisphere. [TRUTH]
• Turkeys can drown if they look up when it’s raining. [TRUTH. No one said they were smart.]
• The term ‘turkey’ was used by New England pilgrims to mean any sort of wild fowl. [TRUTH. Just think, you could be sitting down to a big meal of seagull!]
• That flesh-like appendage that hangs over a turkey’s beak is called the ‘wattle’. [BS. It’s the ‘snood’. The ‘wattle’ is the bright red appendage on the neck. We wonder, can you batter-fry them?]

BS SFX THEATER:
You tell the story, a studio guest or listener on the phone provides the SFX. Today’s story is called “A Family Thanksgiving” …
It’s Thanksgiving morning and mom’s alarm clock goes off (SFX). She sits up in bed, stretches and yawns (SFX). She goes downstairs to the kitchen and plops the turkey onto the counter (SFX), then fills it with stuffing (SFX), jams it in the oven and closes the door (SFX). A few hours later, the first guests arrive and ring the doorbell (SFX). It’s your Aunt Martha who gives you a huge wet kiss (SFX), and rude Uncle Bill, who follows her in and immediately invites you to pull his finger (SFX). As the family sits down to dinner, the football game can be heard in the background from the living room TV (SFX). Your dad mumbles grace (SFX), then the whole family enthusiastically devours the feast (SFX). As the last piece of pumpkin pie is inhaled, rude Uncle Bill undoes his belt buckle to get comfortable (SFX), then let’s out his famous post-dinner belch (SFX).

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, 11% of Americans do THIS after Thanksgiving dinner.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Unbutton their pants.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most Canadian parents surveyed (59%) say their son or daughter should not do THIS when they grow up.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Become prime minister.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Truth IS stranger than fiction. Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

WHAT DO ALL THESE CMW HONOREES HAVE IN COMMON?
• 2006 On-Air Talent of the Year – Roger, Rick & Marilyn, CHUM-FM Toronto
• 2005 Rock Station of the Year Nominee – Power 97 Winnipeg
• 2005 AC Station of the Year – CHUM-FM Toronto
• 2005 CHR Station of the Year Nominee – 94.5 The Beat, Vancouver
• 2005 On-Air Talent of the Year Nominee – BJ & The Q Morning Crew, Q104 Halifax
• 2004 Rock Station of the Year Nominee – 106.9 The Bear, Ottawa
• 2004 On-Air Talent of the Year – Gerry Forbes ‚ CJAY92 Calgary
They’re all a bunch of “BS”ers!


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