Tuesday, November 7, 2006        Edition: #3403
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!  

TONIGHT TV chef Mario Batali gets flamed by the likes of James Gandolfini and Emeril Lagasse at the celebrity roast, “Roasted, Battered & Fried”, part of the 3rd annual” New York Comedy Festival”, which runs through SUNDAY . . . Who knows why, but he keeps getting work – David Hasselhoff will hit the stage in the Las Vegas production of “The Producers”, playing ‘Roger DeBris’, the outrageous director who wears a dress that makes him look like NYC’s Chrysler Building (opens JANUARY 31st at Paris Las Vegas) . . . MTV is waving millions plus a producer’s cut at Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey in an attempt to coax them into co-hosting “Ex’s!”, a proposed new show about celeb couples who’ve split . . . Infamous spoon-bending mentalist Uri Geller will seek an up-and-coming ‘paranormal protege’ to follow in his footsteps as a world-famous celebrity psychic in a new reality TV show to be produced in his home country of Israel . . . Former “American Idol” contestant Constantine Maroulis is finishing up his run on Broadway in the “The Wedding Singer” DECEMBER 3rd, then moving to off-Broadway to appear in “Jacques Brel is Alive and Well & Living in Paris” beginning JANUARY 7th (who woulda thought a long-haired rocker would end up pounding the boards on Broadway?) . . . FOX-TV has axed the game show “The Rich List” and the comedy “Happy Hour” after just 1 episode of each (“The Rich List” was touted as the biggest new quiz show since “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” – oops!).

• Bee Gees – TODAY they release “The Bee Gees’ The Studio Albums 1967-1968” box set, the definitive collection of their early material. Suggested price for CDs or downloads – circa $75.
• Christina Aguilera – Her likeness in wax is being added to the famed Madame Tussauds museum in London later THIS MONTH. Her likeness will be exhibited in a 1920s-style powder room.
• Doors – TODAY their authorized autobiography, “The Doors by the Doors”, is being published.
• 50 Cent – He’ll co-star with Robert De Niro in a gritty cop thriller called “New Orleans” that’s set in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The film is scheduled to shoot NEXT YEAR.
• JoJo – TODAY she does “The View” (ABC).
• The Killers – TONIGHT they perform on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• KISS – The dinosaur rockers now clean up by marketing official KISS products. The latest is the KISS Electronic Toothbrush which actually plays music through vibrations onto your teeth, so you can hear 2 full minutes of their hit “Rock & Roll All Night” through the bristles. It’s now available in New York state and will be sold nationwide beginning early NEXT YEAR.
• Rod Stewart – TONIGHT he’s on “ Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Keith Urban – TODAY his 4th studio album “Love, Pain & The Whole Crazy Thing” is out, even though he’s cancelled all upcoming appearances after checking himself into a Nashville rehab center.
• Madonna – Adopted son David (age 1) is apparently already a Kabbalah devotee, he’s wearing the red ribbon.
• Panic At The Disco – Guitarist Ryan Ross says their fans like to take care of them, baking them cookies or brownies or giving them stuffed animals. Singer Brenden Urie (‘YER-ee’) says one fan made them an elaborate scrapbook, with space to write new song ideas in it.
• Also released TODAY: Dionne Warwick’s “My Friends & Me”; JJ Cale & Eric Clapton’s “The Road to Escondido”; Josh Groban’s “Awake”; The Magic Numbers’ “Those the Brokes”; and Sugarland’s “Enjoy the Ride”.

• “Cars” ( Animated Family ): In this inventive film in which the characters are all cars, Owen Wilson provides the voice of ‘Lightning McQueen’, a hotshot rookie race car en route to the ‘Piston Cup Championship’ in California who gets unexpectedly detoured in the sleepy Route 66 town of Radiator Springs. Co-stars Paul Newman (‘Doc Hudson‘), Bonnie Hunt (‘Sally Carrera’), and Larry the Cable Guy (‘Mater’ the tow truck). Other voices include Tony Shalhoub, Jay Leno, George Carlin,  Bob Costas, Michael Keaton, and race car legends Richard Petty, Darrell Waltrip, Dale Earnhardt Jr, and Michael Schumacher. The 5th-biggest movie of the year with a worldwide gross over $450 million.
• “Little Man” ( Comedy ): Keenen Ivory Wayans directs brothers Shawn & Marlon as a wannabe father and the short, baby-faced thief he mistakes for an abandoned toddler. After the ‘baby’ is adopted into the family home, the mini-thief and his partner (Tracy Morgan) try to recover a stolen diamond. The DVD also comes in a special “Little Man: Loaded with Extra Crap Edition”.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “The Sopranos – Season 6, Part 1”; “The James Bond Ultimate Collection – Volumes 1 & 2”; “Christmas Classics Collection” box set (includes “Miracle on 34th Street”, “Jingle All the Way”, “Home Alone” and “A Christmas Carol”); “The West Wing: The Complete Series”; and “The King and I: 50th Anniversary Edition”.

According to a Chinese study in the “Journal of the National Cancer Institute”, a diet rich in garlic, shallots, leeks and onions may dramatically cut the risk of prostate cancer. The study shows that those who regularly consume items from the allium food group are about 50% less likely to suffer from prostate cancer. (Great, you save your prostate but no one will come within 100 yards of you!)

There are certain topics that weird-out dudes, or bore them silly, or simply annoy them, according to Maddox (pen name of George Ouzounian), author of “The Alphabet of Manliness”. Amongst the stuff men simply don’t wanna know about you …
• Your weaknesses.
• How tired you are.
• That your hairdo is different.
• Your choice of feminine hygiene product.
• That you read the latest mind-blowing love making tips in a magazine.
• The fact that you think another guy is good-looking.
• Your diet strategy.
• How smart you are.
– “Cosmopolitan”

Here’s a real eye opener: A survey of personal trainers finds that women working out in a gym tend to ogle men’s bodies … especially buns. Men, on the other hand, spend more time checking out their OWN bodies in mirrors! (No way. They’re looking at the reflection of that hottie back there on the thigh machine.)
– “Fitness Magazine”

Well, here’s a new wrinkle – a new poll that ranks the hotness of senior celebrity sirens (kinda creepy, ain’t it?) …
5. Former ‘Bond girl’ Honor Blackman (78).
4. Movie actress Susan Sarandon (60).
3. 1970s movie actress Charlotte Rampling (60).
2. Movie actress Goldie Hawn (soon to be 61).
1. Helen Mirren, the 61-year-old star of the currently screening movie “The Queen”.
Others on the list: Italian screen star Sophia Loren, model Lauren Hutton, and Blondie singer Debbie Harry.
– “Contact Music”

• Genuine emotion is always expressed with the entire body. When uncertain of a person’s sincerity, watch their shoulders. You should doubt anyone who is speaking with strong emotion and relaxed shoulders. (For instance, a used car salesman.)
• It takes about an hour for the human eye to become adjusted for good night vision. (Meaning you can get in 60 minutes of whoopee before your partner sees your flabby thighs.)
• You blink every 2-to-10 seconds, so you have your eyes shut about 30 minutes every waking day. (More if you’re a civil servant.)
• A resting human gives off as much heat as a 150-watt light bulb. (A PO-ed wife: 4,000 watts.)
– “Freaky Facts About the Human Body”

In his book “The Nine Emotional Lives Of Cats”, New Zealand author Jeffrey Masson claims the majority of people who don’t like cats are male. Why are so many men cat-haters? Masson says there are couple key reasons – men don’t like to be judged but cats judge them anyway, and some men are jealous because women like cats more than them. (And unlike ‘man’s best friend’, cats don’t jump up and down and run around in circles every time ‘daddy’ walks in the door.)
– Reuters

In England during the 1880s, ‘pants’ was considered a dirty word. (“Son of a pants, you’ve really pantsed me off this time, you pantser! Now take your pantsy face and get the pants outta here!”)


1918 [88] (William Franklin) Billy Graham, Charlotte NC, evangelist who’s preached to more people in live audiences than anyone else in history – over 210 million in more than 185 countries & territories (and so far has avoided drugs & gay hookers)

1942 [64] Johnny Rivers (John Ramistella), NYC, oldies singer (“Poor Side of Town”, “Baby I Need Your Lovin”)

1943 [63] Joni Mitchell (Roberta Anderson), Fort McLeod AB, pop/folk singer/songwriter (“Big Yellow Taxi”, “Both Sides Now”)/ Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1981)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1997)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2000)/Companion of the Order of Canada (2002)/Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award (2002)

• “Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day”. Hey, chocolate with whatever is a good excuse to celebrate. A new Oxford University study finds that when chocoholics eat chocolate or even just look at pictures of it, it turns on pleasure centers in their brains. It’s a feeling that’s apparently not experienced by those who don’t crave chocolate.

• “Notary Public Day”, honoring the officers who administer oaths and statutory declarations, witness and authenticate documents, and perform certain other acts varying from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Almost as exciting as “Accountant’s Day”!

• “PMS Stress Day”, originally founded in 1995. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. If not, get the hell out of the way!

• “US Election Day”, always the Tuesday after the first Monday in November. Involved in  this mid-term election: all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, 33 of the 100 seats in the Senate, as well as many state and local elections, including those for 36 state governors.

• “World Community Day”, celebrating the diversity of world cultures and religions. Not a good day to hold a debate on the topic … it’ll likely break out into a war.

1965 [41] The ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ (aka Poppin’ Fresh) is unveiled, popping out of a can of Pillsbury refrigerated dough in a TV commercial for crescent rolls (within 3 years, 87% of the population recognizes his name & likeness)
NET: http://www.uspto.gov/go/kids/kidsound.html (Giggle sound effect under ‘Pillsbury’)

1981 [25] Hall & John Oates’ “Private Eyes” hits #1

1991 [15] Michael Jackson’s controversial “Black & White” video debuts on TV worldwide

1885 [121] Canadian Pacific Railway, Canada’s first transcontinental railroad, is completed as the ‘Last Spike’ is driven at Craigellachie BC

2000 [06] Hillary Rodham Clinton is elected Senator for NY, the 1st wife of a US President to be elected to public office

1944 [62] Franklin Delano Roosevelt is elected to an unprecedented 4th term as US President

1975 [31] John Anderson of Los Angeles plays guitar non-stop for record 114 hours, 17 minutes

1982 [24] 1st pro QB to pass for 5,000 yds in a single football season (Warren Moon-Edmonton Eskimos)

[Wed] Dunce Day
[Wed] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
[Wed] Parents As Teachers Day
[Thurs] Tony Bennett’s 80th Birthday Gala (Hollywood CA)
[Sat] Remembrance Day
[Sat] 2006 International World Rock, Paper, Scissors Championships (Toronto)
This Week Is … World Kindness Week
This Month Is … Alzheimer’s Disease Month


According to Dr Karl Greeves’ book, “Who Am I? Everyman’s Guide to Personality”, the word you most often use when cussing tells a lot of about your personality. For instance …
• The ‘S-Word’ (an acronym for ‘So Happy It’s Tuesday’) – People who use this word the most don’t put on airs, they are down to earth, honest in their relationships and business dealings and know how to get things done. They tend to be perfectionists and are often excessively  self-critical. They make good friends and are loyal to a fault. They are better followers than leaders, have a can-do attitude, and make great employees.
• ‘Damn’ – These folks are very conservative and often prudish. They are open and loving and more religious than most. Calm and collected on the outside, they are a cauldron of thought and emotion on the inside. They can be quite volatile if provoked. Open-minded and artistic, they make fine painters and poets. They are the truest, bluest of friends.
• ‘Hell’ – These people are fiercely independent and tend to use others to further their own ends. Passionate and sexy, they make fantastic lovers. They adore money and material things. They make good mates and are somewhat family oriented, although they don’t express affection as well as other cussing types.
• ‘Bull’/’Beans’/’Shucks’ – People who can’t bring themselves to curse and use softer words are often practical jokers. Extremely creative, they make fine employees and wonderful bosses. They’re family oriented and can often go overboard with things. Of all the personality types, they are the most misunderstood.
• The ‘F-Word’ – People who use the F-word and its conjugations as a verb tend to be hostile and unreliable. They view life as a joke. Even though they like the company of others, they are loners at heart. They are hard workers and are extremely productive when motivated by personal gain. They can accomplish seemingly impossible tasks if something is in it for them. Or . . . they could be just a bunch of guys drinking together.

Do you think “Lost” is better or worse this season?

In case you’re just dying to see it, the “2007 Men of Mortuaries Calendar” is now available. That’s right … an undertaker a month for an entire year. Hard to decide which is the best looking … it’s stiff competition.
NET: http://www.menofmortuaries.com/

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Today’s Question: Having THIS increases the likelihood of marriage for a man, but decreases it for a woman.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A high IQ.

Laughter is a smile with the volume turned up.

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