Friday, November 3, 2006        Edition: #3401
Wow, You Really Know Your Sheet!

TONIGHT “Law & Order” (NBC/CTV) rips another page from the headlines, with Chevy Chase playing an actor pulled over for DUI who unleashes an anti-Semitic rant on the arresting officers (why not get Mel to play himself?) . . . SATURDAY country music legend Merle Haggard is honored as a ‘BMI Icon’ at the performing-rights organization’s 54th annual “BMI Country Awards” in Nashville TN . . . SATURDAY is the 21st “Gemini Awards Gala” in Richmond BC (Global), the annual ‘celebration of excellence in English Canadian television’, including shows that have been cancelled (like CBC’s “This is Wonderland” and the infamously inaccurate mini-series “Prairie Giant: The Tommy Douglas Story” which will never air on TV again NET: . . . SUNDAY Reba McEntire, Ronnie Milsap & Roy Orbison are among the first group of inductees to the “Music City Walk of Fame” in Nashville TN’s Hall of Fame Park, located near the Country Music Hall of Fame . . . Movie director Oliver Stone is lending his expertise to “2008 Olympics” host China by agreeing to shoot a 5-minute promo film  in Beijing encouraging ‘cultural exchange’ (as opposed to ‘cultural revolution’) . . . NBC-TV has canceled low-rated drama “Kidnapped” but will make the 8 remaining episodes available for free at the network website (the new purgatory) . . . 65-year-old media maven Martha Stewart is apparently set to wed to 58-year-old Hungarian-born billionaire Charles Simonyi after he gave her a stunning engagement gift – $200,000 diamond earrings hidden inside a box of Fauchon chocolates (ouch, that’s gotta be tough on the old colon, no?) . . . And buzz has it the reason actress Reese Witherspoon has dumped her hubby, actor Ryan Phillippe, is that she found secret messages he sent to another woman – on his BlackBerry (dude, if you’re gonna have a cyber affair, you gotta remember to delete your PDA messages PDQ!).

• Bowling For Soup – TONIGHT they perform on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Kellie Pickler – TONIGHT she performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel)
• Nelly Furtado – SATURDAY she’s a guest on “Mad TV” (FOX).
• Paul McCartney – TONIGHT his 4th collection of classical compositions, “Ecce Cor Meum” (Behold My Heart), is performed live at London’s Royal Albert Hall … before making its way to Virgin’s bargain bins.
• Prince – He’s opening a nightclub named ‘3121′ (after his latest album) at the Rio Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. He’ll perform Friday and Saturday nights beginning NOVEMBER 10th.
• Reba McEntire – Starting SUNDAY, she’s helping Habitat for Humanity build 10 homes in Nashville TN’s Providence Park in just 1 week. She says her job is ‘encouragement’.
• Tim McGraw – TONIGHT he hosts a charity poker tournament in Philadelphia PA with proceeds benefitting the Tug McGraw Foundation for brain tumor research. McGraw and his band the Dancehall Doctors will also perform at the event.

• “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” ( R-Rated Comedy ):  Sacha Baron Cohen stars as Kazakhstani TV personality ‘Borat’, who is dispatched by his country’s Ministry of Information to make a documentary about the greatest country in the world, the ‘U S and A’. Cohen first created his Kazakh TV journalist character on his “Da Ali G Show” on UK’s Channel 4 TV. Here’s the trailer …
• “Flushed Away” ( PG Animated Comedy ): Hugh Jackman voices the lead role of a dashing rat that is flushed down the toilet of his penthouse apartment and winds up in the sewers of London, where he has to learn a whole new way of life. Other voices provided by Kate Winslet, Ian McKellen & French actor Jean Reno (“Mission: Impossible”). Made by Britain’s Aardman Animations, the studio behind “Wallace & Grommit”. Fabulous flushing SFX and music here …
• “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause” ( G-Rated Family Comedy ): In this (hopefully final) sequel to the 1994 blockbuster, ‘Santa’ (Tim Allen) faces 2 big problems: how to keep his new family happy, and how to stop ‘Jack Frost’ (Martin Short) from taking over Christmas. As in the previous 2 pics, Tim Allen had to don 75 lbs of costuming and makeup to play the role. Shot in Vancouver and Calgary. Various themes from the soundtrack here …

TODAY the town of Blaenau Ffestiniog [‘BLYE-na fess-TIN-yog’] in Wales hopes to set a new world record for the largest-ever gathering of people with the same surname (the current “Guinness Book of World Records” record is a gathering of 583 ‘Norbergs’ in Sweden). A worldwide invitation for people named ‘Jones’ has been issued to attend the televised reunion and the plan is to fill all 1,600 seats at the Wales Millennium Center with Joneses. They’ll watch a show called “Jones! Jones! Jones!” which traces the roots of the name through music, comedy and dance. The Welsh town has the highest proportion of residents named Jones in the UK. (There’s no word on whether famous Welshman Tom ‘Jones’ will show up to sing.)
– “Times of London”

• A former clandestine CIA case officer is claiming that the CIA is in partnership with … Google. But what about Google’s fight with the US Department of Justice over the privacy of its users? Former agent David Steele claims that was just an elaborate ruse to throw the public off. One thing for sure: CIA is attempting to find recruits using Google ads for ‘Clandestine Careers’. (Oops, we have to end this story now … someone’s knocking on the studio door. It’s a guy dressed in a dark suit and wearing shades …)
– “Daily Tech”
• They didn’t even know each other when they were alive but that didn’t stop them from … getting married. It’s been over 20 years since engineer Zhong Jie Neng died of colon cancer at age 29 and Lin Xiu Lan succumbed to heart problems at age 18 and they were buried at the same cemetery in Pontian, Malaysia. Their families have since come to ‘know’ of their intention to wed in the afterlife when they had dreams about it. So both families agreed to the ‘marriage’ and a lavish ceremony has been held THIS WEEK, complete with dowries, gold rings and traditional wedding biscuits. (Word is Zhong was stiff for the entire honeymoon.)
– “China Press”
• A new 5,000-sq-ft exhibit now on display at the Miami FL Metrozoo explores … the science of scat. ‘The Scoop on Poop’ exhibit features photos of animals in their most indelicate moments and models of stool samples, from the hay-like football-sized balls of elephants, to the kidney-bean-looking pellets of porcupines and the coal-like lumps of black bears that are coated with fur. The exhibit’s slogan? “You have to go! “ (And that my friends is no “BS”.) Hilarious audio report here …
– Yahoo! News
• And talk about creepy! A 65-year-old woman, who was visiting the family grave in the Netherlands where she buried her husband LAST YEAR, has suffered a heart attack and died … in front of her own burial plot. The gravestone had already been inscribed with her name, but no date. She was carrying a bag containing her will and details of her funeral wishes. (Well, it certainly saves on transportation costs anyway.)
– “De Telegraaf”

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ . . .
• Scientists say . . . female brown trout sometimes fake orgasms. It’s apparently to encourage a male partner to ‘finish’ prematurely so they can ditch him and swim on to find a hotter male for some real action. (What kind of weirdo would actually wanna monitor this for a living?)
• Scientists say . . . men don’t like to admit that they are depressed, so they are more likely than depressed women to withdraw into silent misery or hide depression under anger, irritability, alcoholism, or drug abuse. (But if a guy catches a common cold, you’re gonna hear all about it … constantly.)
• Scientists say . . . breastfeeding boosts kids’ mental health. Researcher Dr Wendy Oddy cites growing evidence that breast milk plays an important role in the brain development that occurs in the first year of life. So she recommends babies be breastfed for at least 6 months. (So how come we refer to a stupid person as ‘a real boob’?)

‘Crackberry’ is the winner of the 2006 ‘Word-of-the-Year’ contest as selected by the “Webster’s New World College Dictionary” staff. It’s a pun on the popular Blackberry PDA, coined due to its addictive constant-flow-of-communication quality. Among other contenders: ‘neuroeconomics‘ (an emerging field that studies emotions activated in financial decisions); and ‘carbon footprint’ (the effect one’s daily activities, such as washing clothes or driving to work, have on the environment). (And this year’s word that’s most likely to be forgotten by next year – ‘K-Fed’.)
– “USA Today”

NOVEMBER is the month when the most hair falls out. That’s why THIS MONTH has been declared “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Month”.

“We are very disappointed that ‘Vanity Fair’ has chosen to put an unauthorized cover on their magazine.”
– Actor Brad Pitt’s rep over the cover shot for the DECEMBER issue of “Vanity Fair” showing him wearing white socks and boxers, standing silently as he gets soaked by water. It’s taken from a ‘video art installation’ by artist Robert Wilson which will be exhibited in NYC early NEXT YEAR. (Why do stars pose in embarrassing pics then whine when they get used?)


1952 [54] Roseanne (Barr-Arnold-Thomas), Salt Lake City UT, TV personality (“Roseanne Barr: Blonde & Bitchin’” airing SATURDAY on HBO; “The Roseanne Show” 1998-2000; “Roseanne” 1988-97)

1953 [53] Dennis Miller, Pittsburgh PA, TV personality (“Dennis Miller” 2004-05, “NFL Monday Night Football” 2000-02; “Saturday Night Live” 1985-91)/occasional movie actor (“Joe Dirt”)

1953 [53] Kate Capshaw (Kathleen Nail), Fort Worth TX, Mrs Steven Spielberg since 1991 (5 children)/sometime movie actress (“Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom”)

1955 [51] Phil Simms, Lebanon KY, yacky & whiney-voiced NFL analyst (CBS-TV)/ex-NFL QB (2 Super Bowls-NY Giants 1979-93)

Retired TV news anchor Walter Cronkite (“CBS Evening News”) is 90; US First Lady Laura Bush is 60; TV reality show host Jeff Probst (“Survivor”) is 44; Movie actor Matthew McConaughey (“Sahara”) is 37; Rapper/music mogul Sean Combs (Diddy) is 37.

Oldies singer Art Garfunkel (Simon & Garfunkel) is 65; Movie actor/playwright Sam Shepard (“The Notebook”) is 63; Oldies singer Peter Noone (Herman’s Hermits) is 59; Classic rocker Bryan Adams (“Cuts Like a Knife”) is 47; Rock musician David Bryson (Counting Crows) is 45; Rocker Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead) is 35; Alt-country singer Ryan Adams (“Answering Bell”) is 32.

• “Cliché Day”. It’s amazing how they infiltrate our daily conversations. Try to make it through an entire show without anyone uttering a cliché. Hit the buzzer every time one pops up!
• “Gambling Addiction Awareness Day”. Hey, bet you didn’t know that!
• “Housewives’ Day”. Whoa, is that a PC term anymore? How about ‘homemaker’?
• “Royal Winter Fair” through NOVEMBER 12th, the 84th annual indoor agricultural, horticultural, canine and equestrian exhibition at Toronto’s Exhibition Place.
• “Sandwich Day”, celebrating the 1718 birth of John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A compulsive gambler, he wanted something that could be eaten at gaming tables and earned immortality when he began eating beef between slices of toast as a time-saving nourishment in 1792. Nowadays, we eat an average of 193 sandwiches apiece annually. (Some dissenters say Montagu stole the idea from a guest – the Earl of Shrewsbury. So it SHOULD be a peanut butter shrewsbury, a grilled cheese shrewsbury, a knuckle shrewsbury …)

• “Children’s Goal-Setting Day”, to encourage parents to foster goal-setting habits in their children’s lives. Children need goals, because they spend altogether too much time goofin’ around – you know – acting like kids.
• “Governor-General’s Performing Arts Awards Gala & Tribute Performance”, the 15th annual hosted by G-G Micaelle Jean in Ottawa. This year’s ‘Lifetime Artistic Achievement Award’ winners include “Saturday Night Live” creator Lorne Michaels, and singer/songwriter Robbie Robertson (The Band).

• “Beaver Moon”, aka “Frosty Moon”, “Hunters Moon” and “Snow Moon”, the Full Moon of November.
• “Guy Fawkes Day” in England, a traditional celebration since 1752. It commemorates the 1605 ‘Gunpowder Plot’ when Fawkes-led Catholics attempted to blow up the Parliament Buildings. One of the day’s traditions gives it its nickname – ‘Bonfire Night’.
• “NYC Marathon”, the 37th running of what’s billed as ‘the world’s most celebrated road race’. The most famous participant will likely be former cycling champ Lance Armstrong, who’s been training for months.

2000 [06] “Charlie’s Angels” opens in movie theaters, starring Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Liu

1961 [45] 1st inductees into the “Country Music Hall of Fame” (Jimmie Rodgers, Hank Williams and Fred Rose)

1990 [16] “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice hits #1, the first rap tune to top pop charts

1817 [189] Canada’s 1st bank opens (Bank of Montréal)

1900 [106] 1st ‘Auto Show’ in USA (Madison Square Garden)

1930 [76] 1st ‘International Vehicle Tunnel’ in the world opens (Detroit MI-Windsor ON)

1995 [11] 1st regular season game for NBA’s Toronto Raptors (a win over NJ Nets)

1996 [10] Youngest-ever NBA player, LA Laker Kobe Bryant, takes the floor at the tender age of 18 years, 2 months and 11 days

2004 [02] “Jeopardy!” contestant Ken Jennings shatters the record for TV game show earnings, amassing $45,099 to bring his total take to $2,197,000

[Mon] Saxophone Day
[Mon] Halfway Point of Autumn
[Mon] 40th CMA Awards (Nashville TN)
[Tues] US Election Day
[Wed] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
[Thurs] Tony Bennett’s 80th Birthday Gala (Hollywood CA)
This Week Is … Canadian Children’s Book Week / French Conversation Week
This Week Is … Military Family Appreciation Month


• “Untimely Stigmata Injures Gymnast!”
• “Infant Accidentally Packaged as Doll!”
• “Cash-Strapped NASA Readies Space Needle For Launch!”
• “Portable Toilet in China Found To Have Extraterrestrial Origins!”
• “Bigfoot Tracks Indicate Salsa Lessons!”

The week’s most requested music files online …
5. Pussycat Dolls – “Buttons”
4. The Game – “It’s Okay (One Blood)”
3. Jibbs – “Chain Hang Low”
2. Akon – “Smack That”
1. Justin Timberlake – “My Love”
– Big Champagne online music measurement

Today’s Question: You are 9 times more likely to do THIS when you are far away from home.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Have an affair.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

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