Wednesday, November 2, 2011          Edition: #4621
Sheet for Brains!

Today Lindsay Lohan’s due in court to hear the sentence LA District Judge Stephanie Sautner has decided to mete out for parole violation (a year-and-a-half in prison is possible but unlikely) . . . TMZ reports that Lindsay pleaded with a supervisor at the LA County Coroner’s Office to write a letter on her behalf, touting that she’s been doing yeoman’s work at the morgue but her request got shut down (she was stiffed!) . . . After being dissed for helping celebrate the Chechen dictator’s birthday last month, actress Hilary Swank has now fired Jason Weinberg, her friend & manager for the last 8 years, as well as her CAA talent agency reps (now you seem like a self-centered actress who makes bad decisions AND is vindictive!) . . . Less than 24 hours after filing for divorce, a ringless Kim Kardashian has made a mad dash out of the USA, heading for Australia (an untapped market for selling her soul) . . . Don’t believe statements about either party being ‘devastated’, insiders say the Kardashian wedding was nothing but a ‘hoax & publicity stunt’ (estimates are she made $17 million from it) . . . The Kim-Kris split might just mean the end of those interminable repeats of “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event” on E! (but what are the odds they’ll sell off divorce proceedings too?) . . . Actress Scarlett Johansson tells “Vanity Fair” that batch of self-shot nude pics that surfaced online earlier this year were intended for her then-husband, actor Ryan Reynolds (quote: “I know my best angles”) . . . Though just a few episodes have aired, “American Horror Story” has already been renewed for a 2nd season by FX (likely because it’s on track to become the most watched debut season in the network’s history) . . . And it’s been announced that Queen Latifah is getting a new syndicated talk show in 2013, joining an already overcrowded landscape that is likely to include Jeff Probst, Katie Couric, and Steve Harvey (because there’s just not enough mindless chit-chat on daytime TV).


• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Paul Simon (“Songwriter”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Jann Arden (“Uncover Me 2”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Manchester Orchestra (“Simple Math”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Dave Stewart (“The Blackbird Diaries”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Miranda Lambert (“Four The Record”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Susan Boyle (“Someone To Watch Over Me”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Daughtry (“Break The Spell”, out November 21st).
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Tyrese (“Open Invitation”).
• “The X Factor” (FOX) – The finalists perform. (Doesn’t it seem like this is taking forever?)

• Adele – It’s been announced that she’s forced to cancel the rest of her 2011 tour dates in order to undergo throat surgery to alleviate the vocal chord hemorrhage that’s been plaguing her for months. Her reps fervently deny rumors suggesting it’s throat cancer. A full recovery is expected. (But what if they wreck that distinctive ‘smoky’ sound?)
• Amy Winehouse – A posthumous album entitled “Lioness: Hidden Treasures” will be released December 5th. The 12-track collection will include previously unreleased songs, alternate versions of existing classics, and a few brand new tunes.
• Brad Paisley – His biography co-written with David Wild, “Diary of a Player: How My Musical Heroes Made a Guitar Man Out of Me”, is out this week, documenting his trek from small-town West Virginia to big-time Nashville. Paisley says one of the best things about it is he can now answer questions by saying, “It’s in the book.”
• Lady Gaga – She’s made her solo directorial debut with the upcoming video for “Marry The Night”. She’s co-directed previous videos but this is her first directing credit by herself.
• Lonestar – They’re welcoming back original lead singer Richie McDonald. The multi-platinum country act will celebrate its 20th anniversary in 2012 with a new album and a world tour that kicks off in England on February 26th.
• Michael Jackson – Tonight David Gest’s documentary “Michael Jackson: The Life Of An Icon” gets a special screening in Britain. Gest, Katherine Jackson, and son Tito will stage a Q&A session ahead of the premiere in London’s West End. An after-party features performances by ‘soul legends’ Deniece Williams, Jimmy Ruffin, Martha Reeves, and Stylistics singer Russell Thompkins Jr. The film was released on Blu-ray yesterday.
• Rascal Flatts – Tonight in Nashville, they host an intimate fundraising concert for just 100 people. Proceeds go to the local Monroe Carell Jr Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt University.
• Rihanna – Her Monday night show in Malmo, Sweden was scrapped after she came down with a nasty bout of the flu. She was taken to a medical center and hooked up to an intravenous drip.
• Rush – They’re predicting they’ll have a new album by Spring. Frontman Geddy Lee says the band is almost finished writing its next record, which is due in 2012.

About 40% of 2- to 4-year-olds (and 10% of younger kids) have used a smart phone, tablet, or video iPod, according to a new study by the non-profit group Common Sense Media. There are thousands of apps targeted specifically to babies and toddlers – interactive games that name body parts, for example, or sing nursery rhymes. It has become commonplace to see little ones flicking through photos on their parents’ phones or playing games on a tablet. In fact, Fisher-Price has just released a new hard case for the iPhone and iPod Touch, framed by a colorful rattle, which allows babies to play while protecting the device from ‘dribbles, drool and unwanted call-making’. (Just what we need, another reason for kids to get even fatter.)
– AP


You may not realize it, but these everyday activities can cause back pain …
• Your Shoes: The discs in your lower back are filled with cushiony fluid, but walking in flimsy shoes all day wrings them out like a sponge. Use an insert for support.
• Your Kids:  When you carry them, the extra weight can overload back muscles, which tighten up to keep you standing straight. The best way to tote a tot? On one hip, switching sides often.
• Your Phone: When you pin it between your ear and shoulder you’re forcing your spine to stretch to its limits. If you need your hands to be free when on the phone, switch to a headset.
• Your Posture: Staying in the same desk-bound position can stress your back. Adjust yourself periodically to allow alternate muscles to take over, so the same ones don’t contract all day.
– Adapted from “Redbook”

According to the National Retail Federation, roughly 39% of us have already started our holiday shopping. That’s almost 2 percentage points more than last year, which is a big jump for a statistic that usually shifts a few tenths-of-a-point a year. But this year, with no must-have new toy or gadget on the December horizon, frugal consumers are looking to save money by shopping early. They are finding plenty of deals on Fall clearance racks and at pre-holiday sales events. (We started last December 26th … by accumulating all the re-gift items in a closet.)
– “Wall Street Journal”


A new poll of guys reveals a few of their pet peeves in relationships …
• Telling him he said something that he didn’t say.
• Choosing to spend the night on the Internet rather than talking to him.
• Not paying him back after you borrow money.
• Leaving your trash in his car.
• Inviting him out somewhere, then making him pay for both of you.
• Going through his phone and asking who is who.
• Replaying with a 1-word response like ‘k’, ‘sure’, ‘yep’, ‘lmao’, or ‘lol’ after he writes a long text.
– Condensed from “Cosmopolitan”

• At face value, the McDonald’s McRib sandwich contains just pork, onions, and pickle slices slathered in BBQ sauce and laid out on a bun. But the truth is, there are roughly 70 ingredients. The bun alone contains 34. (What’s wrong with making food out of … actual food?)
– “TIME”
• Using a stainless steel spoon in place of a plastic one gives you the impression that your food is more flavorful, according to a new Oxford University study. So if you find healthy foods taste bland, try using a heavy, high-quality spoon or fork to boost the flavor. (Liver on a silver ladle …. mmm!)
– “Men’s Health”


1957 [54] Carter Beauford, Charlottesville VA, rock drummer (Dave Matthews Band-“American Baby”, “Where Are You Going”)

1961 [50] kd (Katherine Dawn) lang, Consort AB, pop singer (“Constant Craving”, “Crying”)
BS FACTOID: Today is the tongue-in-cheek celebration, “Refuse to Capitalize the First Letters in Your Name Day”, in honor of her birthday.

1969 [42] Reginald ‘Fieldy’ Arvizu, Bakersfield CA, rock bassist (Korn-“Hold On”, Did My Time”)

1969 [42] Cookie Monster, Sesame Street NY, cookie fanatic/fuzzy TV personality who styles his hair with a blue-rinse/movie actor (“The Muppets Take Manhattan”)
– His real name is ‘Sid’.
– His dad once appeared in a “Monsterpiece Theater” sketch promoting energy conservation, water conservation, and environmentalism.
– His original incarnation was created by Jim Henson for a General Foods commercial.
– An early version appeared in a Frito-Lay potato chips ad and was named ‘Arnold, the Munching Monster’.
– On a 2008 episode of “The Colbert Report”, he tried to eat Stephen Colbert’s Peabody Award.

1974 [37] Nelly (Cornell Haynes Jr), Austin TX, rapper (“Grillz”, w/Janet Jackson-“Call On Me”)

1975 [36] Chris Walla, Bothell WA, rock guitarist (Death Cab For Cutie-“I Will Possess Your Heart”, “Soul Meets Body”)

1989 [22] Luke Schenn, Saskatoon SK, NHL defenceman (Toronto Maple Leafs)


• “All Souls’ Day”, the excuse for an annual tradition in Santiago, Guatemala – the “Kite Festival”, when natives send massive, extremely colorful kites up to the heavens in an effort to communicate with the dead.

• “Deviled Egg Day”, saluting the dish that entails hard-boiled eggs cut in half and filled with the egg’s yolk mixed with mayonnaise & mustard.

• “Plan Your Epitaph Day”, dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death.
– “I told you I was sick!”
– “Harry Smith, died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.”
– “I made an ash of myself.”
– “Here lies an atheist. All dressed up, and no place to go.”
– “Here lies Sir John Strange, an honest lawyer. And that IS Strange.”
– “Here lies the father of 29, he would have had more but he didn’t have time.”

• “Take Our Kids to Work Day”, the 17th annual when some 200,000 Grade 9 students across Canada will participate in workplaces, with a parent or volunteer host showing them what it’s really like on-the-job. About 2 million young Canadians and tens-of-thousands of workplaces nationwide have participated in the program since 1994.

1936 [75] ‘Canadian Broadcasting Act’ creates the CBC (because then 2-year-old Don Cherry needed a place to spout off)

2004 [07] Shania Twain attends “Shania Twain Day” in Timmins, Ontario as the ribbon is cut on the new ‘Shania Twain Centre’, a museum of her life & career

1993 [18] Innovative new product ‘The Sports Diaper’ goes on the market, designed for couch potatoes too involved in TV sports to leave

1999 [12] 1st sports league to create its own 24-hour TV network ( TV)

[Thurs] Sandwich Day
[Thurs] “Bones” season debut (FOX/Global)
[Fri] “A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas”; “The Son of No One”; “Tower Heist” open in movie theaters
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time ends
[Sun] “2011 MTV European Music Awards” (Belfast, Northern Ireland)
This Week Is … Animal Shelter Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month


• My iPhone battery life.
• Snape’s nose.
• Rebecca Black’s singing career.
• My last drinking binge.
• “The Playboy Club” TV series.
• This list of ‘Things Longer Than Kim’s Marriage’.
– Adapted from

Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – We know you made that kitten cry and we’ve posted your address on Facebook. This is going to be the worst week of your life.
• Taurus – Remember that ‘slow & steady wins the race’. Unless you’re in an actual race.
• Gemini – You get a blinding headache and wake up with a French accent. Girls finally show interest.
• Cancer – Many of the problems you encounter in life make you feel like there’s no hope. This is true.
• Leo – You tuck a 5-spot under your child’s pillow when he loses another tooth. This would be heartwarming if he wasn’t 28 with a raging crack habit.
• Virgo – Laugh and the world laughs with you. Go on “X-Factor” and the world laughs at you.
• Libra – Someone has the audacity to call you unhinged. The nerve. So you rip the wire from your bra and stab them repeatedly.
• Scorpio – You realize that after 3 years of dating,  your horse will never love you as much as you love him.
• Sagittarius – It takes a certain kind of person to admit when they were wrong. This person is not you. Stubborn prick.
• Capricorn – You finally convince that guy-you-like to sleep with you. Suddenly being in prison doesn’t seem so bad.
• Aquarius – People love you! Adore you. Well, your mom does anyway. Oh wait. No. She doesn’t either.
• Pisces – Your week shows real promise, like it could be the best one EVER! But it isn’t. You’ll drop your iPhone into a volcano by accident.


I hate graffiti. In fact, I hate all Italian food.


Should junk food be ‘fat taxed’?

Question: A recent employer poll reveals THIS is the best way to become your boss’s favorite employee.
Answer: By having a good sense of humor.

It is right to be content with what you have, never with what you are.

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