Monday, November 21, 2011        Edition: #4634
Another Sheetload of Bull!

• 8 months after ending “The Oprah Winfrey Show” after 25 years, Winfrey will launch “Oprah’s Next Chapter” on her fledgling cable TV channel OWN. Rather than bring guests into a studio, the new show will have Oprah meet celebs on their own turf. The 2-hour debut on January 1st will feature Winfrey talking with Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler at his family home in New Hampshire. (You know your network’s tanking when you have to come back from retirement.)
• It’s been confirmed 53-year-old actress Marg Helgenberger is leaving CBS-TV’s “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” after playing CSI analyst ‘Catherine Willows’ for 12 seasons. She’ll be replaced by Oscar-nominated actress Elisabeth Shue (“Leaving Las Vegas”) who’ll make her first appearance February 15th. Shue will be playing the newest CSI, who’s fresh off an anger management course. (This once-blockbuster is slowly but surely leaking down the lab drain.)
– Jam! Showbiz
• Despite the fact his wrecked marriage is seemingly in ruins, 33-year-old actor Ashton Kutcher is still dishing out relationship advice. He’s on the cover of the December issue of “Men’s Health” (out Tuesday) and inside says he doesn’t see failure ‘as something that’s inevitable’. Sadly, failing is something he has to get used to since wife Demi Moore filed for divorce on Thursday. (Dude, bad timing … again.)
• Contrary to speculation, police investigating the drowning death of actress Natalie Wood on November 29, 1981 say her then-husband, actor Robert Wagner (now 81), is NOT a suspect. Lt John Corina has confirmed the case has been ‘officially reopened’ due to new info but will not comment about any possible arrests. The others aboard the yacht ‘Splendour’ on that fateful night were its captain, Dennis Davern … and scary actor Christopher Walken. (Aha!)
• Showtime announced Friday that it has renewed its Emmy-nominated series “Dexter” for 2 more seasons (the 7th & 8th), thanks to a new deal with star Michael C Hall. This begs the question of when, if ever, crack investigator ‘Deborah Morgan’ (Jennifer Carpenter) will figure out her blood spatter-expert brother ‘Dexter’ is a murderer. (We’re guessing not soon?)
• And likely the most anticipated scene in “Breaking Dawn – Part 1” was the ‘honeymoon sex scene’, which stars Robert Pattinson & Kirsten Stewart have been talking up for weeks. But movie critic Robert Ebert is asking, “What happened? We have no idea. The movie doesn’t show us! Yes, the most eagerly awaited deflowering in recent movie history takes place entirely off-screen.” (Well, as the vampires say … that bites.)
– “Chicago Sun-Times”

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Rihanna (her 6th album, “Talk That Talk”, is out today, featuring guest appearances from Calvin Harris and Jay-Z among others).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Joy Formidable (“The Big Roar”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – M83 (“Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Needtobreathe (“The Reckoning”).
• “Today” (NBC) – Rascal Flatts (“Nothing Like This”) kick-off a Thanksgiving-week all-star line-up of concerts at NYC’s Rockefeller Center Plaza, with special guest Natasha Bedingfield.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Javier Colon (“Come Through For You”).

• Beyoncé – Today she releases the DVD, “Live At Roseland”, exclusively via Walmart and online. A ‘Deluxe Version’, featuring bonus footage and 7 music videos is out November 29th.
• Daughtry – Their 3rd album, “Break The Spell”, is out today. Chris Daughtry describes it as ‘full-on rock’. A ‘Deluxe Edition’ includes 4 bonus tracks.
• Justin Bieber – He took a paternity test Friday, his manager Scooter Braun telling “Extra” the idea is to ‘get ahead of this thing and go right after it’. The 17-year-old has vehemently denied being the father of fan Mariah Yeater’s 4-month-old son.
• Lady Gaga – “Born This Way: The Remix” is out today, featuring 14 re-mixes of songs from her mega-hit album by the likes of Foster The People, Goldfrapp, and Two Door Cinema Club.
Also out today, an expanded, 17-track version of the “Born This Way” album; the DVD “Lady Gaga Presents The Monster’s Ball Tour at Madison Square Garden”; and the new book “Lady Gaga X Terry Richardson”. Have we reached saturation yet?
• Michael Jackson – Today “Immortal”, the soundtrack for Cirque du Soleil’s “Michael Jackson The Immortal World Tour” is released in both single-disc and deluxe double-disc versions. It includes a re-imagining of over 40 of Jackson’s recordings. The North American leg of the tour includes an extended stay in Las Vegas throughout December.
• Nickelback – Today the band it’s become popular to loathe releases their 7th album, “Here & Now”, which was recorded at Mountain View Studios in Vancouver, British Columbia. An online petition suggests their halftime performance during Thursday’s NFL game in Detroit is ‘a ploy to get people to leave their seats and spend money at concessions’.
• Sting – He’s taken to describing his new iPad app, “Sting 25”, as an ‘app-umentary’.
• Talking Heads – The new DVD “Chronology”, out today, looks at the influential band’s career, with classic performances and interviews, as well as a 1979 British documentary.
• Taylor Swift – Last night on “60 Minutes”, she confirmed that her squeaky clean ‘good-girl image’ is mostly true. Her quote on why she doesn’t smoke pot: “I just don’t feel like it.”
• Willie Nelson – Today he releases “Remember Me, Volume 1”, a collection of cover songs mainly from the 1950s.

Some of the following pairs are different names for the same item; some are two different foods altogether, despite conventional thinking. So what’s the preference at your house?
• ‘Turkey Stuffing’ or ‘Turkey Dressing’?
• ‘Yams’ or ‘Sweet Potatoes’?
• ‘Cranberry Sauce’ or ‘Cranberry Jelly’?
• ‘Whipped Potatoes’ or ‘Mashed Potatoes’?
• ‘Tart’ or ‘Pie’?
– Condensed from

According to NYC matchmaker Lisa Ronis, pickup lines aren’t just for guys. She suggests women try these lines next time they’re waiting for service at a bar …
• “Takes forever to get a glass of wine around here.”
• “Wow, somebody smells so good.”
• “You live around here?”
• “So what do you do?”
• “You guys on business?”
(Another line a woman can use that always seems to work is … “Hi.”)


The 17th-century frescoes in the Church of Santos Juanes in Valencia, Spain have been damaged by fire, glue, and salt blooms. To rejuvenate the priceless works, the Polytechnic University of Valencia’s Institute of Heritage Restoration and Center for Advanced Food Microbiology have joined forces and their tool of choice is … bacteria. Trained to eat salt and glue, the bacteria are brushed onto the frescoes and covered with a gel that, when heated with lights, creates humid conditions … perfect for nibbling! Just 90 minutes later, the surface is rinsed with water and dried, killing the bacteria. (Is that any way to say thanks?)


• Almost 90% of the world’s flowering plants are pollinated by animals.
• The brains of people who regularly play computer games differ from those who don’t.
• Use of the word ‘disgusted’ in English peaked in 1800.
• Many Afghans associate the number 39 with pimps.
• People can spot whether a complete stranger has a certain ‘social gene’ in just 20 seconds.
– BBC News


1945 [66] Goldie Hawn (Btudlendgehawn), Washington DC, movie actress (“Private Benjamin”, Oscar-“Cactus Flower”)/Kurt Russell’s longtime partner/actress Kate Hudson’s mom

1963 [48] Nicollette Sheridan, Worthing UK, TV actress (“Desperate Housewives” 2004-09, “Knots Landing” 1986-93)

1965 [46] Bjork (Gudmundsdottir), Reykjavik, Iceland, weird rock singer (“The Dull Flame of Desire”, “I Miss You”)/weirder film actress (“Dancer In the Dark”)

1966 [45] Troy Aikman, West Covina CA, TV football game analyst (FOX-TV since 2001, teamed with play-by-play man Joe Buck since 2002)/former NFL QB (3 Super Bowls-Dallas Cowboys 1989-2000)/Pro Football Hall of Fame (2006)

1971 [40] Michael Strahan, Houston TX, TV football analyst (“FOX NFL Sunday” since 2008)/former NFL player (1 Super Bowl-NY Giants 1993-2007)

1979 [32] Alex Tanguay, Sainte-Justine QC, NHL winger (Calgary Flames)

• “False Confessions Day”, highlighting the problem of innocent people being coerced into admitting guilt. (The antithesis of Ashton Kutcher.)

• “Pumpkin Pie Day”, celebrating a truly North American food phenomenon. What’s your secret ingredient? And your favorite topping?

• “World Hello Day”, the 39th annual observance that now takes place in some 180 countries. Participants are asked to spread goodwill by saying ‘hello’ to at least 10 people.
Here’s how to say ‘hello’ in over 800 languages …

• “World Television Day”, established in 1996 by the UN General Assembly to encourage nations to exchange cultural programming focusing on peace, security, economic & social development. (Instead of laugh tracks.)


1976 [35] The movie “Rocky”, starring Sylvester Stallone as the underdog prizefighter ‘Rocky Balboa’, premieres in NYC

1990 [21] Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger weds model and now ex-wife Jerry Hall in Bali, Indonesia (annulled 8 years later after Hall learns Jagger is father of someone else’s child and a judge rules the marriage has never been registered)


1983 [28] Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video premieres in Los Angeles movie theaters

2003 [08] The acoustic guitar on which The Beatles’ George Harrison learned how to play is sold at a London auction for £276,000 (original cost £3.50)

2003 [08] “Los Angeles Times” reports that a chauffeur for record producer Phil Spector heard him say, “I think I killed somebody” after the shooting death of B-movie actress Lana Clarkson in his Alhambra, California home


1983 [28] ‘Hooters’ restaurant chain is launched

1977 [34] 5 ski patrol members set a record in British Columbia by giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for 60 hours to a mannequin (“C’mon Chad, lighten up on the tongue!”)

1991 [20] Frenchman Gerard d’Aboville completes 4-month solo Pacific crossing … in a rowboat

[Tues] Humane Society Day
[Tues] Go For a Ride Day
[Tues] Start Your Own Country Day
[Tues] Stop the Violence Day
[Wed] Cashew Day
[Thurs] Thanksgiving Day (USA)

Better Conversation Week / Cold & Cough Awareness Week / Family Week / Farm-City Week / Game & Puzzle Week


A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
“Weekly World News” UFO ‘experts’ offer the following tips that you’ve been taken aboard an alien spacecraft and examined …
• You’re drunk a lot. Aliens pick up a lot of people stumbling out of bars because they’re used to forgetting huge blocks of time and really embarrassing stuff.
• You find a lot of puncture marks in your arms and can’t remember injecting yourself. These are from routine alien blood tests.
• During an X-ray, your doctor discovers you are missing an internal organ. A lot of times aliens take a spleen, lung, kidney, or appendix so they can examine them closely.
• You wake up and can’t remember everyday things like your name, the year, your address, your spouse’s name, etc. That shows alien scientists have sliced out a vital part of your brain.
• You cut yourself and your blood is green. This occurs if they accidentally sucked out too much of your blood and had to give you a blood transfusion from their own blood bank.
• You suddenly find yourself in a foreign country thousands of miles from where you live. Aliens have a bad sense of direction and can’t read maps worth a damn.
• You look in the mirror and see that your nose is suddenly smaller. Many extraterrestrials are interested in plastic surgery techniques and will try them out on their captives.
• You develop an irrational fear of going to the doctor when it’s never bothered you before. It’s your subconscious telling you that you’ve been poked, prodded, injected and probed enough.
• You suddenly discover you are missing a limb. This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes.
– First published in “BS” 2005.


What’s your favorite family tradition?

• ‘10 Stylish Ways to Wear a Ponytail’ (“Woman’s Day”)
• ‘The Muffin-Top Workout’ (“Glamour”)
• ‘Secrets of Super-Happy Couples’ (“Ladies’ Home Journal”)
• ‘25 Sex Tips in 140 Characters or Less’ (“Cosmopolitan”)
• ‘What Men Really Think About in Bed’ (“Redbook”)

• ‘10 Dumbest Dumb-Asses in Sports’ (“Maxim”)
• ‘Are You Allergic to Your Bathroom?’ (“Men’s Health”)
• ‘The Most Fun You Can Have Below the Equator’ (“Details”)
• ‘William Shatner Fries a Turkey’ (“Esquire”)
• ‘Guys You’re Allowed To Have a Man-Crush On’ (

What’s the capital of Greece? About a dollar-98.


Question: Most of us do THIS more than 18 thousand times in a lifetime.
Answer: Break the speed limit.


All of us are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.

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