Tuesday, November 23, 2010        Edition: #4392
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Buzz out of Britain has the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton planned for the Spring with the ‘first-choice’ date being a weekday between April 26th and 29th, and the preferred venue being Westminster Abbey (if true, this means we only have to hear about this daily for 5 months instead of 8 or 9!) . . . 19-year-old British model Sophia Egeler claims Eva Longoria’s estranged NBA player-husband Tony Parker has been sexting her ever since he met her (aha, the smoking gun?) . . . Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham is reportedly trying to cheer up pal Eva Longoria after her split by organizing a girls’ night out for the “Desperate Housewives” actress (Chippendales!) . . . Meantime, actress Teri Hatcher calls reports that she’s quitting “Desperate Housewives” untrue, insisting she’ll remain on the show ‘until it’s canceled’ (BS translation: My movie deal fell through) . . . Former “American Idol” Judge Paula Abdul has launched the new website ‘Audition Booth’, designed to link wannabe stars with casting directors, producers, and managers (NET: http://www.auditionbooth.com) . . . Former “Cheers” star George Wendt (‘Norm’) tells “NY Post” he still misses working on the hit TV show even though 17 years have passed since it ended (since then he’s done … um …) . . .  “Mad Men” actress January Jones (‘Betty Draper’) has become the new face of Versace and will front the Italian fashion house’s Spring campaign next year . . . Fashion house Dolce & Gabbana, begun in 1985 by Domenico Dolce & Stefano Gabbana, is being investigated for allegedly dodging $1.4 billion in taxes by setting up a sham holding company in Luxembourg, and may face a trial in Italy (makes tax-dodger Wesley Snipe look like a piker!) . . . And “Glee” star Lea Michele (‘Rachel’) says she & co-star Cory Monteith (‘Finn’) have become such close friends that – he now farts in front of her (wow, that’s … um .. sweet?).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Cee-Lo Green (“The Lady Killer”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Maroon 5 (“Hands All Over”).
• “Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Jay-Z (“The Hits Collection, Vol 1”).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – Christina Aguilera (“Burlesque”) performs; finalists perform their favorite dances; the winner is announced.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Bon Jovi (“Greatest Hits – The Ultimate Collection”).
• “Glee” (FOX/Global) – Cheerios coach ‘Sue Sylvester’s mother comes to town to visit her daughters; Bruno Mars tunes “Marry You” and “Just The Way You Are” are featured.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Ke$ha (“Cannibal”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Off! (“First Four EPs”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Jessica Simpson (“Happy Christmas”); Regina Spektor (“Live In London”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Susan Boyle (“The Gift”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Former bandleader Kevin Eubanks.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Big Boi/Cee Lo Green – They’re planning to hit the road together for the “Georgia Power Tour” in 2011. Specific dates are yet to be announced.
• Black Eyed Peas – It’s reported they’ll be the halftime entertainment for February’s “Super Bowl”, however will I am is neither confirming nor denying the rumor.
• Chris Brown – During a progress report hearing in the Rihanna beating case, the judge said she was blown away by his work ethic, commenting, “No one has ever done a better or more consistent job than you have.”
• Duffy – The Welsh singer says she considered quitting the music biz after her 2008 debut album “Rockferry” because her life became complicated and she ‘missed the simple things’.
• Jay-Z/Kanye West – While the collaboration between them “Watch the Throne” was not originally planned as a full album, Jay-Z says they work so well together that they recently completely 7 songs during 3 days in the South of France. They’ll now fly to Australia to finish the project.
• Julianne Hough – Her 35-year-old radio/TV personality-boyfriend Ryan Seacrest reportedly recently flew in to Nashville where he met Hough’s parents and family.
• Lady Antebellum – 24-year-old Hillary Scott tells “Access Hollywood” she’s just signed the papers to buy her first-ever house. Quote: “Oh my gosh, now I have a mortgage. This is scary.” • Michael Jackson – Today Ubisoft releases the videogame “Michael Jackson: The Experience” for Nintendo Wii and DS and Sony PSP.
• Montgomery Gentry – Eddie Montgomery has revealed he has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and will be undergoing surgery to remove the cancerous tumor in December.
• The Strokes – Frontman Julian Casablancas says recording of their long-awaited 4th album is complete but it’s still not going to be out for a few months due to mixing, etc.
• Taylor Swift – She’s on the December/January cover of “Seventeen” magazine as its ‘Style Star Of the Year’.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Eat Pray Love” ( PG-13 Drama ): Julia Roberts stars as a writer who embarks on a round-the-world journey of self-enlightenment and fulfillment in the wake of a painful divorce. She ends up finding solace in new love … and some excellent pizza. Based on the best-selling Elizabeth Gilbert memoir. Co-stars Javier Bardem, Billy Crudup.
• “The Expendables” ( R-Rated Action ): Sylvester Stallone wrote, directed, and stars in this story about a ragtag team of mercenaries that causes fiery mayhem in a South American country. The all-star action movie cast includes Arnold Schwarzenegger (cameo), Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
• “I’m Still Here” ( R-Rated Mocumentary ) – Actor-turned-director Casey Affleck documents Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acclaimed actor to aspiring rapper, which for some reason included growing a scraggly beard and always wearing sunglasses. Since the release it’s been admitted that the film was a tongue-in-cheek stunt. Shot in Las Vegas.
• Also released today: “Batman Beyond: The Complete Series” (Animation); “Beyond the Prairie: The True Story of Laura Ingalls Wilder” (Bio); “Lennon Naked” (Music Bio); “Murder, She Wrote: The Complete 12th Season” (Vintage TV); “The Search for Santa Paws” (Family); “7th Heaven: Complete Series Pack” (TV); and “The Tudors: The Complete Series” (TV).

BRUISED APPLE:
Today at a Christie’s auction in London a 1976 Apple-1 computer originally sold by Apple co-founders Steve Jobs & Steve Wozniak goes under the hammer and is expected to fetch upwards of $240,000. It’s one of only 200 produced before they moved onto the next model, the Apple II. Considered the first personal computer, the Apple-1 featured just 3 capacitors and 8 kilobytes of RAM and originally sold for $666.66 (about $2,500 in today’s dollars). It was hand-built by Steve Wozniak and shipped from the garage of Steve Jobs’ parents’ house. It includes original packaging, manuals, and cassette interface, as well as a rare letter from Steve Jobs.
– NYTimes.com

WHAT, ME WORRY?
“A Paranoid’s Handbook” by Vancouver author Christopher Hyde offers paranoiacs all kinds of everyday things to worry about including …
• 15% of all accidents in British homes involve impact with a door.
• 25% of blinding injuries are caused by people poking themselves in the eye with their glasses.
• 35% of all marriage failures are partially blamed on a mother-in-law.
• There are 50 times more fatalities per mile traveled on elevators than in commercial aircraft.
– BN

NOW ON THE MENU:
• A Brooklyn NY coffee shop is serving up a cup of coffee that contains … 10 shots of espresso. It’s called ‘Dieci’ (Italian for ‘10’) but its local nickname is ‘porn in a cup’. The coffee shop owner says he created it for those who want to experience ‘the limits of where coffee can go’. Due to the effect of such a large dose of caffeine on heart rate and blood pressure, no one over 40 is allowed to buy one.
– “Globe & Mail”
• If you’ve got money to burn, Mélisse restaurant in Santa Monica CA is serving up a mac & cheese dish that costs … $95. As you’d expect for that kind of money, the dish is a tad more elaborate than Kraft dinner in a box. It’s concocted with uber-expensive white truffles, fresh tagliatelle pasta, and brown butter truffle froth. It’s offered only during truffle season, from October through December.
– MSNBC.com

WHAT’S YOUR SKIN TYPE?
Are you oily, dry, or combination? Here’s how to find out: Cut out 3 thin strips of tissue. In the morning, before washing your face, put one strip on your nose and chin, one on your forehead, and the third on one cheek. The results …
• If all 3 strips remain opaque, you have dry skin.
• If they become translucent and stick to your skin, you have oily skin.
• If the strips on your forehead, nose, and chin (the T zone) become translucent and the 3rd remains opaque, you have combination skin.
– Condensed from “Best Health Magazine”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 80% of pet owners believe that their pets understand human language.
• 40% of employees who are the most confident of their abilities are, in fact, hopelessly inept.
• 35% of us call a wrong number at least once a week.
• 32% of married women say the food that reminds them most of their husband is the ‘potato’.
• 25% of us say we’ve seen, heard, or felt a ghost.
• 20% of guys claims they’ve had some form of sex while driving, but only 2% of women. (So either a lot of guys are lying or some girl is really getting around!)

BS AMAZING FACT:
In 2009, Britain’s 84-year-old Queen Elizabeth II undertook 409 official engagements, more than one a day. Except for Christmas and Easter, she never has a day away from official duties.
– TheDailyBeast.com

BS CHRONOMETER 11.23.10

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1960 [50] Robin Roberts, Tuskeegee AL, TV co-host (“Good Morning America” since 2005)

1979 [31] Kelly Brook (Parsons), Rochester UK, model/movie actress (“Piranha 3-D”, “The Italian Job”)

1987 [23] Nicole (‘Snooki’) Polizzi, Santiago, Chile, reality TV personality (“Jersey Shore” since 2009)

1992 [18] (Destiny Hope) Miley Cyrus, Nashville TN, pop singer (“Party In the USA”, “The Climb”)/movie actress (“The Last Song”)/TV actress (“Hannah Montana” 2006-10)  UP NEXT: “LOL: Laughing Out Loud” (April 2011).

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Cashew Day”, celebrating the yummy nut that sounds like a sneeze.

• “Labor Thanksgiving Day” in Japan (“Kinro Kansha no Hi”), a national holiday since 1948 to express gratitude to one another for work done throughout the year and for the fruits of those labors.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1990 [20] MTV bans Madonna’s “Justify My Love” video (back when it featured actual music)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [113] 1st ‘Pencil Sharpener’ (next day, some lady gums it up with an eyebrow pencil)

1948 [62] 1st ‘Zoom Lens’ (and the paparazzi profession is born)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2000 [10] While driving a Ferrari in Helsinki, 27-year-old dot-com millionaire Jaakko Rytsola sets a world record for ‘Largest Speeding Ticket’ … $71,400 (traffic fines in Finland are linked to the offender’s income)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day
[Wed] “Burlesque”; “Faster”; “Love & Other Drugs”; “Tangled” open in movie theaters
[Thurs] Thanksgiving Day (USA)
[Thurs] “Taylor Swift – Speak Now” (NBC)
[Fri] Black Friday
[Fri] International Day For the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day
This Week Is … Better Conversation Week
This Month Is … Home Care & Hospice Month

BULL’S BITS

YO MOMMA INSULTS FOR HOGWARTS:
• “Yo momma’s so slutty, you don’t need to use Parseltongue to open her Chamber of Secrets.”
• “Yo momma’s so ugly, not even the Dementors want to kiss her.”
• “Yo momma’s so poor, she has to get her clothes from house elves.”
• “Yo momma’s so fat, her swish and flick is more of a wobble and jiggle.”
• “Yo momma’s so ugly, Hagrid keeps her as a pet.”
• “Yo momma’s so stupid, she made a Horcrux out of a muffin.  And then she ate it.”
• “Yo momma’s so fat, her broom cries itself to sleep every night.”
• “Yo momma’s so stupid, the Sorting Hat put her in Morongoof house.”
• “Yo momma’s so hairy, even werewolves are envious of her chest hair.”
– Adapted from BBSpot.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
How long do you hold a grudge? (Until you get an apology? Until you miss the other
person? Forever?)

IT PAYS TO BE IGERNANT:
Listener must answer rapid-fire, and must get all 10 questions wrong to win. The secret is to answer with something so outlandish it couldn’t possibly be right.
• This is the largest object currently orbiting Earth.
• What’s the best pickup line?
• This is the affectionate nickname for [co-host].
• He’s the most macho guy in show biz.
• What’s the appropriate attire for a groom at a wedding?
• This is what pillows are commonly stuffed with.
• What’s the most effective form of foreplay?
• This is the most common name for dogs.
• What’s the most useful thing your mommy ever taught you?
• Name the most popular breakfast food.

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Where is two-thirds of the world’s eggplant grown?
a. Turkey
b. New Jersey [CORRECT, believe it or not!]
c. Uruguay
d. Mexico

• What do male turkeys do to attract female turkeys?
a. Stretch their necks out to their full length.
b. Run around them in a circle.
c. Gobble. [CORRECT. Only male turkeys (toms) do it; hens are attracted for mating when they hear it.]
d. Peck at their tail feathers.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Love is grand; divorce is 50 grand.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A new survey of guys suggests a woman can pretty much guarantee there will be no second date if she does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Complains about her ex-boyfriend.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.


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